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Relationship advice - My SO asked what I would do if she died


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1 minute ago, Jon Blankenship said:

My SO asked what I would do if she died. I said I would eventually move on to not be lonely. I meant I would have someone to keep me company, but would not love them. I realize now this wasn’t the response she was looking for. How do I correct this?

How old is she? How long have you been together? What prompted this question?  Is she dramatic or suicidal? 

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is she? How long have you been together? What prompted this question?  Is she dramatic or suicidal? 

We are 20. We have been together a couple years, we are very close and are planning a future together. I suppose she just asked to see what I would say. She is not dramatic or suicidal. It’s also worth saying if she died, I would not be able to move on, I just said that because I wasn’t thinking about the question. 

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You should have told her, that you would never think about that, and the correct answer would have been...I really don't know, and I hope I never have to know. It's a trap or a S^&% testing...I suspect she is being insecure, or you are not paying enough romantic attention to her. This needs a discussion as to why is she asking. Then you can turn it around and ask her, what would she do if you died.

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4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You should have told her, that you would never think about that, and the correct answer would have been...I really don't know, and I hope I never have to know. It's a trap or a S^&% testing...I suspect she is being insecure, or you are not paying enough romantic attention to her. This needs a discussion as to why is she asking. Then you can turn it around and ask her, what would she do if you died.

I know that’s what I should have said. But it is too late for that, I need to fix it and show her that. 

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OK what was her response? and you do have time to ask her what would she do if you died...and if she said she would be alone forever, you call that bs. Fact: everyone moves on because it would be selfish to think that it's wrong not to...and she's being absolutely ridiculous. Would she want you to find happiness again with someone else? That would be the truest expression of love..letting your partner meet someone else when you are gone. It's not a "replacement...it's called moving on with your life.

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7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

OK what was her response? and you do have time to ask her what would she do if you died...and if she said she would be alone forever, you call that bs. Fact: everyone moves on because it would be selfish to think that it's wrong not to...and she's being absolutely ridiculous. Would she want you to find happiness again with someone else? That would be the truest expression of love..letting your partner meet someone else when you are gone. It's not a "replacement...it's called moving on with your life.

That’s the thing. We are extremely close. I don’t actually believe I would try to find someone else. The better response I could have given is true. I don’t know why I responded the way I did, because I didn’t comprehend the question I guess. 

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That's the thing....know body really knows unless you have a crystal ball. The big question is why did this come up...that's what you need to to talk about because there is a underlying issue...her question is a symptom of something else. Did someone die recently? Maybe she has been diangosed with a health issue?

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8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

That's the thing....know body really knows unless you have a crystal ball. The big question is why did this come up...that's what you need to to talk about because there is a underlying issue...her question is a symptom of something else. Did someone die recently? Maybe she has been diangosed with a health issue?

No I know it’s not that. I think she just asked because she wanted a certain response 

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11 minutes ago, Jon Blankenship said:

No I know it’s not that. I think she just asked because she wanted a certain response 

No no one just wakes up in the morning and asks their partner something like out of the blue. This is a very serious question to be asking. Something has triggered it. The question is, why did she needed to know? Insecurity about something is your clue.

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OK this is what you say: "Right now it pains me to even think about you dying...you bringing this up has been very hurtful to me, I found it to be quite cruel". "Honestly I wouldn't be thinking about anything but my loss. How dare you put me on the spot like that. I really don't know what I would do...it hasn't ever cross my mind, and TBH I don't want to think about it...it's too painful at the thought of losing you."

How about that...make her feel bad for asking, and give her the right response without giving her anything definitive.

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1 hour ago, Jon Blankenship said:

We are 20. We have been together a couple years, we are very close and are planning a future together. I suppose she just asked to see what I would say. She is not dramatic or suicidal. It’s also worth saying if she died, I would not be able to move on, I just said that because I wasn’t thinking about the question. 

Ok, when you get rhetorical questions like this, they may not make sense, but they're certainly not looking for a point blank logical answer. basically these types of questions are usually to hear reassurances that you're in love etc.

This and "does this make look fat?", etc.  are rhetorical questions you'll have to learn to see through and cut to the chase and go straight to the reassurances part of it.

It's kind of like asking "was it good for you too?", you wouldn't expect them to say "well on a scale of 1-10...blah blah"

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1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

OK this is what you say: "Right now it pains me to even think about you dying...you bringing this up has been very hurtful to me, I found it to be quite cruel". "Honestly I wouldn't be thinking about anything but my loss. How dare you put me on the spot like that. I really don't know what I would do...it hasn't ever cross my mind, and TBH I don't want to think about it...it's too painful at the thought of losing you."

I wish I would have said that. But she asked me this a while back. 

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1 minute ago, Jon Blankenship said:

I wish I would have said that. But she asked me this a while back. 

So what's going on now? Why are you here? I can't help you unless you give me details of the problem behavior from her.

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9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

So what's going on now? Why are you here? I can't help you unless you give me details of the problem behavior from her.

I’m here because I recently realized that that was not what she wanted to hear. I want advice on how to show or tell her other than what I answered her originally

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2 minutes ago, Jon Blankenship said:

I’m here because I recently realized that that was not what she wanted to hear. I want advice on how to show or tell her other than what I answered her originally

Tell her exactly what you've stated here. You were caught off guard can't imagine it so haven't thought about it much. And that of course you wouldn't know what to do. Keep it simple don't backpedal too much.

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5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If this conversation hasn't affected your relationship in a negative way, she's moved on from it and it's long forgotten, then there is no reason to be discussing it again.

I believe it upset her though. I want her to know how I really feel about it. 

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  • kamurj changed the title to Relationship advice - My SO asked what I would do if she died
On 1/17/2021 at 12:32 PM, Jon Blankenship said:

She is not dramatic

Not true. That's a helluva question to ask someone.

I'd ask her why she asked that, and what she wants the answer to be.

Put that thing back on her shoulders and quit catering to manipulation.

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