Jump to content

Relationship advice - My SO asked what I would do if she died


Recommended Posts

I must say I find it a bit unusual that a 20-year-old woman would ask that. Are you sure nothing prompted it? She's definitely not feeling depressed or suicidal or anything? In all honesty though, you gave an answer that most people would be thinking. Of course if someone's partner dies, they don't have to find anyone else if they don't want to. But most people would find someone else because we move on in life. We move on from all kinds of tragedies we go through. When I was 19 my boyfriend at the time actually committed suicide. He was only 18 😢 It was so heartbreaking but I did move on because I just had to. I think especially as a young person it wouldn't be fair to never experience love again. But if someone is older and has been married with kids and things like that then yeah maybe they won't necessarily need to find anyone else.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/17/2021 at 12:33 PM, Jon Blankenship said:

She was looking for me to either say I would never move on from her or to just avoid the question because I don’t want to think about it. 

It is unrealistic at 20 to think you would never move on if your partner died. 
I have been with my husband 31 years I would expect him to move on the only stipulation I would have is she treats my disabled son with respect and kindness. 
 

My grandparents were married 63 years when my grandmother died and my grandfather still had girlfriends before he died. You can’t expect to be a celibate monk for the rest of your life. Anyone who expects you to has symptoms of grandiosity of their own importance and really doesn’t want you can have a good life. In other words they’re lacking a lot of maturity. 

Edited by Seraphim
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Dude really?

What are you supposed to do if she dies?  Become a monk?  She sounds like an immature selfish little girl that is trying to manipulate you into throwing yourself onto the flames for her.

When she asks if her butt looks big in these pants?  What do you answer?

Sure you could have humored her and told her that you would never recover from her death and be heartbroken for the rest of your life but that is a lie.  You would heal and move on as I am sure you would want her to do. She is being extremely selfish if she is holding your answer over your head.  Think about it.  If she dies today she wants you to spend over 60 years mourning her and never loving again.  Kind of a sick type of selfishness in my opinion. 

Don't try to fix this, instead call her out on it. 

  Lost 

Edited by lostandhurt
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I thought everybody had these kinds of discussions. 😮 

I'm sure many would rather hear "I'd spend my entire life missing you and never even look at anyone else" instead of "I'd step over you and register on the dating sites within the hour" but the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.  No one really wants to think of their significant other with someone else, that's probably where this is coming from, but deep down I don't think they REALLY want you to be alone forever.  If someone is asking a hypothetical question like this, there is a specific answer they want to hear and it's up to you if you want to give the desired answer, or lie to keep the peace.

If it actually happens is another matter.  It did happen to me, someone I was seeing seriously had a sudden heart attack on his way to see me 4 1/2 years ago.  He was older (60s, but still too young to die) and had health issues so we always knew it was a possibility.  He always said he expected me to find someone else, and fairly quickly.  Yet when the time came I didn't really care to, and it took a long while (still not completely there yet, but there are extenuating circumstances and other things to capture my attention).  Bottom line is you don't know how you'll feel or what you'll do until it happens.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

You know as I’m witnessing a dear friend of mine come to terms daily as a new widow this hits home. I hope my friend will find love again but right now she’s in despair. I think the question is a manipulative trap your girlfriend set for you, it’s not a really fair question either. 
  
 

You’re only 20 so the fact she’s so co dependent is really unhealthy. I get planning a future and that person being the love of your life while their still alive but honestly her asking that shows there’s more going on with her insecurity. I would ask her why she feels the need to ask that.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/17/2021 at 12:37 PM, smackie9 said:

It's a trap or a S^&% testing..

Yes, LOL... the entire question just seems very immature.  

I'm weird... I'd probably come back with some kind of joke the next day, carrying a halloween decorative RIP headstone or something LOL

 

  • Haha 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

At 20, it's immaturity and insecurity talking.

Come back in 10 years and your partner will have the maturity to want what's best for you and no one really wants their partner to go through life lonely and alone.  Not if you really love them.

And at 20, you will move on.  I see you trying to take back your truth, but trust me, if she died tomorrow you will move on.  Eventually.

I don't know how to make this better than to rephrase your truth.  That you'd be devastated for quite sometime and you do not know what the future holds.   

If you are mature enough you might acknowledge that if you left this earth you wouldn't want her life to stop in that moment.  That at some point you naturally move forward.  You never forget and your love for someone else doesn't take anything away from the love you have for each other.  They are two entirely different things.

But I do agree, she's sh*t testing you here.  Lying isn't the right way out of this.  Maturing is.

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

This sounds like a loaded question, with her intention being for you to roll out the red carpet while you profess your love and make it clear that you can't live without her.

It's just a silly immature set up.

That's exactly what I was thinking.  She's young and showing her immaturity.  It's kind of the way teenagers think.  She expected you to say something dramatic like "I can't live without you.  I'll stay single for the rest of my life because no-one can ever match you.  EVERRRR!!"   I can guarantee you that if you asked her that same question, that is exactly what she would have answered.   Totally unrealistic.  People can be married for over 30-40 years and when their partner dies (or they divorce), they still somehow find another.  It's not uncommon.

Just tell her that it's impossible to answer because no-one knows what the future holds.  Problem is, no matter what you say now it's too late.  She's too immature to "get it" and understand it. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't give that much credence to teenage like parlor-game style questions. 

She's simply too immature and inarticulate to have an appropriate conversation about whatever it is.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...