Scared to get out there again

[Lambert]

Hi momto2

 

Glad you joined us and posted. As a long time poster, I can tell you it helps to help others and learn their stories... You'll start to realize... Dag! I'm not alone. Also you'll get a lot of opinions. Take what helps and leave the rest...

 

I've read through this thread and lots to think about here...

 

Your friends probably mean well. But being jaded is within your control whether you choose to date or not. And it's been my experience, if I expect more jerks, that's just what I find. And there's a big difference between expecting and not accepting. If you are at a place where you are capable of givng a person a chance, then you probably could meet for a coffee or a drink. If you aren't save both of your time.

 

It's not on the other person to prove they aren't a frog out the gate. Sure there are people in every walk of life that have ill intent. But you must go into it thinking

positive of the person. A good person deserves that and if they are a good person,with healthy self esteem, they aren't going to deal with a head case. It's a huge red flag to be early into dating and to have to be someone's therapist.

 

Recognize that grown ups, have all been through bad things. It's life. No one gets out alive[emoji1] but! There is hope. Can you separate yourself from what you've been through? Can you look back and say, yeah that is / was jacked up, but I have my whole life ahead of me and I'm going to be happy ANYWAY because that's the life I choose for myself?

 

If you can't say that right now. It's ok. You probably need to look internally for answers to how you get there. How can you forgive YOURSELF for what you've been through? How can you not blame yourself for whatever? But also own your willing participation in the situation? (don't allow yourself to be a victim. yes he was wrong but he obviously has issues of his own that have nothing to do with you. ) And how can you accept what happened but not attach it to your self worth?

 

I'll tell you, I went thru all that. You gotta get real with yourself and feel those feelings. Then you can't set camp there. You gotta pick your butt up and say yep, that happened and I love me anyway! I love my kids! I love that I can choose to say forget that! That might have been me then, but this me now witches! And I'm going to do better and better things are coming my way.

 

Don't let life make you hard or jaded to others. Be better than that. Keep posting and talking to us. It helps. You can and will get through this.You can be happy again [emoji173]

[pippy longstocking]

I think pretty much everything has been said ....

 

I agree with sherry , he was another frog !

 

And something jibs said about the red flags.....

 

In time you will see it all so clearly and realise there were actually a few signs that gave it away ....just give it time . It took a long time for me to see the reality of one of my exes , but in time little things I had seemingly pushed out of my mind where so blatantly obvious !!

 

Anyway ....don't let this ruin *men* for you ... I have met loads of sh1theads in my time ..drunks , abusers , basic @rseholes, but you have to chalk it down to experience and use that knowledge to spot signs next time . Remember there are also a lot of men who are jaded and tainted and angry and bitter at us women as well ....we all get hurt , both sexes .

 

There is someone fabulous out there for you ....you'll see .

[LaHermes]

Your therapist was totally correct:

 

"My therapist told me ........ He lied. She said after learning that he had so many girlfriends, he learned what works and what doesn't and did a great job of masquerading who he really is."

 

Who he really was? An empty shell housing a shattered self living in a fantasy world where he was unable to distinguish between fact and fiction. As for "match.com" people can say ANYTHING they like, mainly lies.

[catfeeder]

You're a very good writer. As a writer myself, I've discovered the value of self-teaching through my own words. I explored ways to carefully scrutinize the stories I've written about myself in order to grasp the value of what I've learned from those--and how to frame my experiences more carefully in my own favor going forward.

 

The stories we tell ourselves are what make or break our confidence as we navigate. If I cast myself as a victim while I villainize the people in my past, I've learned that while I can do that, it won't buy me any self sufficiency, confidence, or anything of value.

 

So consider reading your story through the eyes of a coach or a counsellor, and then be honest with your Self. Credit yourself with an ability to identify any red flags that you could have recognized earlier, and you'll be more apt to credit yourself for identifying those going forward.

 

It's not about blame, it's about learning. It's not about being harsh with yourself, it's about being self-loving enough to give yourself the skills of foresight that can be learned.

 

Head high, we all learn by living--unless we cast ourselves as powerless to do that and view ourselves instead as being at the mercy of the next person's lousy judgment.

[lostandhurt]

Horrible life changing story and I am sorry you are going through this.

 

You will heal and you will trust again but next time look deeper. People like your ex fiancé are skilled lairs and can deceive many with their ways so don't feel bad that you were duped by him and his friends.

 

He is in his fifties and never married. That in itself is reason to pause and see if his life lived so far lines up with his words. Next he lived in a one bedroom place. To me that doesn't fit his words.

 

What were his friends like? All married with kids, mature people with good character? OR were they around his age, single, never married and all about having fun?

 

I guess what I am saying is look at actions and life lived as well as hearing the words.

 

You opened your heart and you will do it again one day I am sure.

 

Lost