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Momto2

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  1. Wiseman2. I did get an attorney and we had an 18 month battle with my ex. He did not want to pay for anything and he was an high executive and made a lot of money. Despite the settlement, he violated just about every part of it. My concern was the kids. They were not his at all. When he left, he left them too and was very resentful to have to do anything for them. I was divorced for two years before I met this other man. I was never swept me off my feet. I had on my "red flag" hat. I had my own money, my own business and was not needy at all. This man turned out to be a liar. He finally fessed up that he had a generalized anxiety disorder and other relationship issues. THAT should have been something to share with me and not when he did. In response to your comments: 1. Yes I felt betrayed by the other people at first. Then I learned that they were all so happy and really hoped that he had changed. I could see why they would not say anything. Its an awkward place. 2. It is not an excuse for dishonesty. He could have told me at any stage PRIOR to proposing that he just is not the marrying kind. Fair enough. His match.com profiled read -- "looking for a serious long term relationship that could lead to marriage." After two and a half years of dating, the proposal seemed in line with the rest of the relationship. 3. I look back and really there were no signs and believe me I have scoured my history with him with such laser precision, to come up dry. My therapist told me not to do that because the issue is his. He lied. She said after learning that he had so many girlfriends, he learned what works and what doesn't and did a great job of masquerading who he really is. I don't think he is a bad guy. I think he is not self aware. He wants one thing and gets it but he cannot give it back. As for the lease, maybe i did not make myself clear. We found the place and he jumped all over it. He was going to put his house on the market. The plans were in place. He bailed on the day of the signing. He had a two month window to bail out. The day of? Come on. That is almost as bad at leaving someone at the altar. As an FYI -- He came back to me begging me to marry him. This was like six months later. My answer was --- NADA. That was two years ago. I really don't feel as thought I have to date but my friends are encouraging me. They think (and they may be correct) that the longer I don't get out there the more jaded I am becoming.
  2. Yes I did. The therapist said that there are some men who find children as their competition. She said to believe him when he said he found that raising kids was boring and not what he wanted. He has not talked to our daughter in twelve years. He does have a relationship with our son. I made sure I let him know about every school play, every teacher conference, sports events, whatever --- no commentary - just a quick email with whatever notice came from the school, invitation or whatever other event announcement there was. What he did with it was his choice. He came to nothing. I put the children into therapy when he left.
  3. There is a difference between going along with the flow and proposing to someone. He proposed to me completely unsolicited by me. He orchestrated it by having my children there. This was not some knee jerk action. He bought me an engagement ring and flew us to St. John. By the time we signed the lease, which by the way was his idea! I sold my home and we were planning on getting married in a few months, so it would not have been at all unreasonable for me to think he would sign it too. To bail on the day of the signing is pretty lame. We decided on it two months prior and he talked incessantly about how excited he was -- until the day of. That DOES make him a frog. The heresy and goes is not simply that. He admitted that he made a pack with his mother that he would not marry me. Although she liked me, as I learned she liked his other girlfriends, he told her that he would not marry while she was still alive. I never convinced myself that he was Prince Charming. I do know that he showed one side to me while the other side was pulling all the levers in the background.
  4. I could pick a place to afford on my own. We were engaged at the time and had many conversations about us selling our homes and buying one together. His home was a small one bedroom cottage so it could not accommodate my kids and me. We wanted to wait for two years because my children were graduating high school in succession and "I" was the one who wanted to wait.
  5. I agree with you on many different points. When we met he told me that he was really looking for someone who would commit to him. He was looking for a long term serious relationship that would lead to marriage. I don't expect any one to seal the deal. What I do expect is to not be lied to and for us to be on the same page. You are right, we have to have different expectations at our ages than when younger. I would have had no problem living in separate homes with an understanding that we were exclusive. That is not what happened at all. HE is the one who proposed and nothing would lead me to believe after two years of dating that this was all an experiment on his part; to see if he could do it. You are correct when you said if only he could have been more honest. I would have been very accepting of that. I don't have to be married or even live with someone. I want honesty so that I can make the right decisions for me.
  6. I think you are being very harsh and while you do not believe in commitment phones, they ARE out there. In fact, my "fiance" told me that he was a life long commitment phobic. They problem is he finally fessed up as I was breaking up with him. He said he really wanted was to get married but he just couldn't do it, not with me or anyone. However, after I broke up with him I learned that had about 30 girlfriends in his past, not three as he told me. I also learned that was on match.com for ten years before he met me, using the line "looking for a long term serious relationship that will lead to marriage." After dating 20 women on that site alone, none fit the bill. In other words, he wanted a girlfriend who could commit to him he just was not going to reciprocate -- in the long term. Why would I sell my house you ask? I had no choice. It was in the divorce decree. My ex husband did abandon the the kids and me. We came home to find his things and him gone. Although we had been married a long time before we had out kids, he said he found raising kids boring and "not his thing." Nothing I can do about that.
  7. Hi Everyone --- I am getting out in the dating world again and am paralyzed with fear. My ex husband abandoned my kids and me ten years ago. After two years, post divorce, I go back out there and dated. I went on a few awful dates and felt like I had nailed down being about to pick the bad guys. Then, I met a really nice guy in a coffee shop one day. He was in line behind me and we ended up talking for two hours. He asked for my email and from there we started a nice relationship. We did not rush into anything. He was always on time for our dates, did not cheat, was attentive and caring. I met his family who is lovely and they loved me. I met his friends who embraced me. He loved me and loved showing me off. After two and a half years, he proposed to me in the Caribbean and had my children with us to celebrate. We decided on a wedding date in two years and I began the plans to sell my house. He owned a home also but it is a one bedroom bungalow so there was no room for the kids and me. So we decided to rent a place to until we found the ideal house for us. We found a beautiful stone country home and set up the date to sign the lease. We talked about if for the two months prior to our move in date. My house was sold and I have packed up everything and was ready to move. The day of the lease signing he bailed on me. He said he couldn't afford to make the move, to pay rent and to still pay his mortgage. I was like ?!?!?!? I was so hurt. He called me a few days later and said he would still move in and pay half the rent but he could not sign a lease. So I agreed. I needed the rent because I could not afford it on my own. We had also agreed to split the utilities, Internet, etc. He half-assed moved in. I felt as though he was one foot in and one foot out. (No he did not have another girlfriend.) After 18 months, I asked about the wedding and he skirted around the issue. By this point we had been together for 6 years. I broke up with him and I wanted someone who could seal the deal. I learned six months later that he had promised his mother, three months after our engagement, that he would not marry me. (His mother is a widow and his three siblings have been in long marriages.) I forgot to mention that he is in his fifties. I was in my 40's. I also found out that he told all of his friends that he was not going to marry me . So, here I was around all of these people who were amazing to me, knew what was going on and said nothing to me. He had told me about four relationships in his life. Turns out he was a serial dater and had about 30 girlfriends in his life. Finally, he admitted to me that he is a commitment phobic and after he proposed he realized he could not go through with a marriage. Yet, he was able to be completely duplicitous and I never saw this coming. This experience has turned me off to dating. It's been two years and I can intellectualize that not all men are liars but I am so scared.
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