Am I overthinking this or was I holding back wrongly?

[bluecastle]

I battle a lot with self esteem and feeling inadequate.

 

This insecurity sounds like a preexisting condition of sorts. Sadly, it also sounds like one that is being inflamed by this relationship, so to speak, with the inflammation being classified by you as treatment, rather than what it is: pain spreading. Seems your feeling of closeness to him is directly proportional to how negatively you can judge yourself—kind of like, well, being most drawn to the confessional inside the church rather than the coir.

 

Does this instinct—this insecurity—go both ways? I wonder. I can't understand, for instance, why someone secure and sincere in their religious beliefs would want to spend time judging someone for things like piercings, tattoos, and finding ways to let another person know that their family considers them "not spiritually strong." Remove the holy trappings from all that, and what you have is baseline playground cruelty: putting someone down, finding their soft spots and exploiting them, weaponizing insecurity and rationalizing it through scripture.

 

Healthy stuff to "run" from, in short, even if said running required a salt shake of S to get the feet moving. Really bums me out, honestly, that you're more inclined to crucify yourself for that part, and seek penance in him, than celebrate yourself for walking away from someone who you didn't feel good being with.

 

You know how part of the fun of getting a tattoo is the hurt, the dash of debasement? Well, I think you need to make sure that part of the fun of being with him, and romance in general, isn't the feeling of being poked by needle, seeing the spot of blood bloom on the skin, and wondering if you just did something you'll regret. There are very real limitations to relationships that thrive only when you feel terrible about who you are, in your own skin. A pinch of hurt can be delicious—be it in a tattoo parlor, the gym, or eating something very spicy—but human to human? It does for the spirt what lack of sunlight does to a plant: wilts it.

 

Ultimately, it really doesn't matter if this guy or any guy is "amazing" or "awful," so much as the fact that it just doesn't seem like you're able to feel genuinely good, and accepted, in being with him. You've given it another go—which is great and human—and you can keep giving it that go for as long as you see fit. But don't lose track of your own humanity here in making him into some haloed ideal that you aspire to. He's just a dude, a person, not the gatekeeper who will anoint you entry to the clouds or toss you back in the brimstone.

[DancingFool]

I definitely dropped S already, J wouldnt be comfortable with that again and I dont think its smart, as I dont keep in touch with any of my other ex's.

& Wise, yes You are right but I essentially left J due to not just compatibility but because of those feelings for S, like I feel like I left him for someone else, and realized it was awful. Does he not need to know that? I mean I have proved my love over this last year for sure but I feel undeserving, maybe thats because of how I felt before though

 

....One does not prove love....or anything for that matter. Also, TMI is not healthy in any relationship. You told him you hooked up - going into details is cruel on your part and self sabotaging. What's really going on with you?

[Rose Mosse]

I think both of them are going to get very tired of you quickly if you continue to keep going back and forth. You're hurting yourself.

 

I'd question the intentions of a man who keeps putting up with you if you're not sure if you want to be with him.

 

That feeling of being undeserving probably goes back further than dating J or seeing S. Keep working on yourself. I think you're very vulnerable right now.

[Lizafrog]

I do feel like its cruel which is why I havent said anything but I also feel like I held back by not disclosing these feelings, Like I had decieved him into being with me again ? I guess I just feel like leaving him due to feelings for someone else is important.

[LaHermes]

Yes, Liza. DancingF is very right.

 

You don't have to "prove" love or prove anything. You say you battle a lot with self-esteem and feeling inadequate.

 

A true christian would lift you up not tear you down.

 

Get away from and stay away from this individual, Liza.

[Lizafrog]

Rose, I know I love J not S, I no longer speak to S or feel anything towards him. I dont believe I ever did.

[Rose Mosse]

I do feel like its cruel which is why I havent said anything but I also feel like I held back by not disclosing these feelings, Like I had decieved him into being with me again ? I guess I just feel like leaving him due to feelings for someone else is important.

 

This seems more like guilt and a lot of self-sabotage. Don't do anything for the time being and give yourself time to clear your head and feel better about your relationship with J if you are still dating. The duality and guilt-tripping should stop. Focus on your relationship and yourself then and lose all the distractions.

 

You're self-sabotaging by guilting yourself for things that have no bearing on the present. Why keep holding yourself back from enjoying this relationship for what it is?