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My ex and i have been broken up for 8 months but still sort of date??


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Him - 32

me (woman) 35



We met 2 years ago on tinder... hit it off and started dating and began a relationship. We fell in love although we didnt say it at for a very long time and never officially asked to be bf/gf (one drunk night about 4,5 months later i asked are you my bf- he said ...uhhh yeah" things were so nice on all levels


About 8 months into our relationship- i found out i would eventually have to go to another city to do a thesis within a year or so for about 4 months...he kind of got freaked out and said he couldn't do it...also he caught me in a white lie that same weekend, when we first met he asked if i used instagram- i said no- bc i dont really use it to follow people i know and have zero followers (hate social media)- i use it to follow fashion trends, photography, food etc- he saw the app on my mobile and was angry- rightfully so- i just thought i would never see him again after our first date and didnt want to explain why i had instagram but did not use it - and i just never told him i had it. I offered to show it to him because i wasn't hiding anything at the end but he said it wasn't important. So- with me going away eventually for a few months plus the silly insta thing he ended it right then and there. I cried and apologized and left.


2 weeks later he contacted me and we started speaking again and dating. We really loved eachother and being together


Things were going very good- until then he got called away from a work trip in another country (usa- we are based in europe) which was supposed to be for 2 weeks that turned into over 2 months.... we skyped everyweekend and texted daily. He came back and we were good again- he got called back to the usa a few weeks after arriving for another month...again we kept in contact as much as we could.


During all this i found out I would have to go away for about 7 weeks then come back for 6 then leave again. for another 7 weeks.


He arrived back October 2019- i was due to leave the end of november...we had spent so much time apart already- we both agreed to end our relationship once i left and maybe one day we could work it out again once our lives were more stable in a permanent after my next two long trips/thesis. We continued to be a couple until I left- with some fights in between that were caused by frustration of the breakup.


I leave- sad, we stayed in contact a little bit- everyfew weeks- neither dating others or interested really.


I came back home at the end of. January- we didnt rush to see eachother- mainly because i was too proud to and pushed the idea of it away... eventually that changed- we began calling- he would ask if i met someone- i dated but didnt meet anyone special as i still wasnt over him, he said he also spoke to a couple girls but wasn't into it. We eventually ended up meeting my final 2 weeks in town before leaving again...we spent nearly every other day together, with friends , in the city, together... but we still werent together as i was leaving again.... he took me to the airport and i left once more..


Corona happened- and i got stuck in the USA for 3 months when it was supposed to be only 7 weeks.... We spoke and skyped alot...even did zoom with our friend groups... He was back home in Spain where there was an extreme quarantine-so i sent him delivery from our friends restaraunt so he could enjoy a nice meal - and see a friend...he was so surprised and thankful. we chatted and chatted all the time but never about where this was going


I finally come home in june but had to quarantine 14 days- as soon as i got out- we met. Walked around, talked, went to our friends restaraunt and to no surprise went home together- i didnt leave all weekend. We continued this weekly- meeting a few times a week then i asked "what is this?" he replied "i dont know but you just got back and have to leave again eventually for your thesis - so you aren't here full time YET" He has abandoment issues and doesn't do well with distance it seems.He said wants to continue this and its up to me- that there are no other girls in his life and there wont be - just me- but he doesn't want a serious thing. oh and he also mentioned the whole instagram thing from over a year ago- which yes it was a white lie but nothing serious - and sooooo long ago- its like it still bothers him although there has been nothing else like this since...


I still love him so i agreed for the time being... made me feel weird though. A week later it was somehow brought up by me.. he said he couldn't so i left- he texted me 5 min later to come back and i foolishly did. That weekend he treated me even more sweet- and after that talk he made more efforts to see me more- went from 2. times per week to maybe 3-4 (and not just hookups- we would actually do things out of the house and with friends)


a week later I hung out with a guy friend of his for a project (photography) and had joked before that the guy before he knew about the situation with us- flirted with me.. he became a bit jealous and actually called himself my boyfriend..I said "what- you're my bf- you have made it VERY clear that you are not my bf" he was flustered and said "no"...30 minutes later i replied "if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck- its a duck...and i am saying you're my boyfriend" he didnt say anything...


The next couple of weeks continued like normal, and making plans - even up until the fall....fun you easy you know? Until last. weekend...he is going on a cycle tour with his best guy friend I spoke about introducing him to a friend on mine who livers where they are going, for local tips and such.. he said "yeah! that would be great- just tell him your friend is coming" ....i replied... "my friend...you mean my boyfriend" he shrugged and the rest of the night went on....it stayed with me...the word friend...


I slept at his and the next day we went cycling for a few hours and i was really quiet- he kept asking whats wrong- "nothing" i would say....the next day i left and was supposed to go back to his as we were going to go camping one night in the mountains the following day...he called me to ask when he could expect me and again he heard the sadness in my voice..i told him the word friend bothered me because i thought we were together...and i started crying... he told me to tell him what i wanted and it was my choice- I said i wanted more him to acknowledge that this has been basically a relationship all summer... he suggested we shouldnt speak until september- as we have always been in contact. I said ok- but i had to meet him to get my things i left.



We met in a public place - and it was weird- we did some shopping around the city and actually were laughing and having a great time like we always do- one thing we have both admitted- is that we both really love how we have always been very good friends, not just a couple- then came the time to part....



we sat at a fountain and he said he was sad and would be sadder in a few days- we just needed time apart- in which i replied "there has been months where we havent seen eachother and we always have a spark and start things" he said "you're right" we have never not spoken so i guess this is the only different thing. He says he hopes with time we can be friends because i am one of his best friends (yet he is still so attracted to me) i dont see how it will work since we always try to be just friends when we meet- then we start again.... He said we could message in September to check in on eachother. Which i honestly dont get... he said he loved me , he would miss me alot and for me to enjoy the rest of the summer...


I have never dealt with this before- we both clearly love eachother and keep coming back- i wouldnt say on and off because we have never officially gotten back together since November 2019...we have just remained constants..



He is an extreme commitement phobe...I am a little but not like this- we both want the same kind of future- no kids etc/dont believe in marriage- so its not like we want diff things... so its not like i am asking much - you know?




Has anyone had a similar story to this??


I really miss him alot and i feel like this will keep happening....we will keep doing this as we have the same friends and live 12 minutes from eachother... its such a weird story....our relationship actually has no other problems. except this... we genuinely get along very well and the sex is still very good...our lives this past year has been crazy and when we meet we always end up connecting.. it makes me sad because we really do have a spark.



Now that I know he still feels this way...



Will it be easier to accept- meaning should i continue enjoying the thing we have (exclusive but not official- pretty much a couple without the title) until i leave for my thesis (which he says no matter what he will support me through and can visit)- which won't be until maybe March- who knows - things could change or not? Or just lose one of my closest friends





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He's just not that into you. He likes regular sex without putting in the effort it takes to be in a serious relationship. Do not invest any more of your emotions and life into someone who delivers only excuses to not be in an exclusive long term relationship with you. In essence, do you think it makes sense for someone who saw you as a potential lifetime partner to think: I'd rather not have you at all in my life than to miss your company for 120 days.


I mean, you were willing to be away from him and still wished to see him as your everything, and someone you wanted to continue dating.


When you're in the right relationship, you're not regularly stressed and upset and clinging for straws (saying you do other things other than sex with him).


I'd go no contact and attempt to date someone who is not a commitment phobe--lacks barriers of any kind. You might guess you can be that "special" person who magically changes his mindset, but it's not going to happen. And it's not because you're not wonderful. It's because he wants to live a casual life--some people would call it a shallow life--so leave him to it.


As for you, you say you possess issues yourself, so take a break from dating until you get that sorted. Most people who have their sh%$ together won't bother with someone who isn't emotionally ready to be in a full-fledged relationship. Take care.

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He is an extreme commitement phobe...I am a little but not like this- we both want the same kind of future- no kids etc/dont believe in marriage- so its not like we want diff things... so its not like i am asking much - you know?


You're not asking for much - for someone who's not an extreme commitment phobe.


If that's genuinely true about him, you're not going to have the happy ending together you would like. He's going to continually look for an escape hatch every time you get closer (reference: him referring to himself as your boyfriend, and then changing his mind and later calling himself your friend)


I think it's time you really let him go. You have a good time together in the moment, but he's not working toward the same future as you. It's going to break your heart every time.

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He seems very immature and the communication is sparse, left to a lot of personal interpretation and misunderstandings.


If you're looking for something a bit more solid in terms of a relationship, you'll have to face your own fears about relationships and commitment or a future with someone. We all have them. There's no short cut.


I'd reflect on why this type of person, this situation or this kind of communication with someone, seems appealing at all. If it's painful asking yourself this question and questioning this reality, it's normal. We have to break a few bones to reset and straighten things out sometimes. What we want isn't always what's good for us.

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