Anxiety Help - Journal

[Seraphim]

Sorry, I didn’t mean to be harsh. 

[boltnrun]

29 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Sorry, I didn’t mean to be harsh. 

I appreciate that. I always appreciate when people apologize because not everyone likes to do it for some reason. I always feel people who apologize are more mature, empathetic and self aware than those who say they "hate" to apologize. It means a lot to me.

[boltnrun]

Anyway...wow, there are a lot of testy people these days. I really dislike how the holiday season has become a time of stress, anxiety and pressure instead of a joyous time of celebration and family love. It's not about gifts or fancy or elaborate dinners or who is going to who's home and who is feeling guilty because this aunt or that parent doesn't feel like they're getting enough time and attention. Or who spent how much.

And I really, really despise those tacky commercials that insist you suck as a husband or boyfriend if you don't buy your wife or girlfriend a shiny rock that costs several thousands. "Every kiss begins with Kay" is ridiculous. The subtext is, you won't get any booty from your lady unless you buy her a giant, expensive rock. So stupid.

Relax! Enjoy the pretty decorations, enjoy family time. And for those who believe, I recommend remembering why this holiday season even exists. It's not about a jolly guy in a red suit who brings piles of expensive gifts if you're allegedly "good". It's about celebrating whatever your faith believes, or if you're not a person of faith, celebrating the season with family and friends.

I remember years ago my mom and I were watching some TV program where the children sang "Happy Birthday" to Jesus during their holiday pageant. We thought that was adorable.

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

"Every kiss begins with Kay" is ridiculous.

I agree.

I also can't stand those commercials where they tie a big bow around a car and give it as a gift.

[boltnrun]

15 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I agree.

I also can't stand those commercials where they tie a big bow around a car and give it as a gift.

Yeah, who does that lol!!!

I shot myself in the foot last night. It's chilly here (well, chilly for where I live!) so I wanted a nice mug of hot cocoa before bed. I realized it might not be a great idea because of the caffeine but I wanted a hot, chocolatey drink. So yeah, I was awake most of the night. I think I got three hours of sleep total. Hopefully the engineering department doesn't have anything complex for me to work on today.

[boltnrun]

The baby next door is starting to talk. I can hear him saying "Ma Ma" instead of just crying when he wants something.

I love babies. I don't need one around all the time, but I do love them.

[boltnrun]

I gained back all the anxiety weight I'd lost with a vengeance. I had gotten rid of all my "fat" clothes because I have no space and I was skinny for over a year and a half. Well, now my "skinny" clothes are far too small. I'm having to rebuild my wardrobe. Which is OK because I have very few nice clothes (my previous long term job required me to wear sweat pants, leggings, shorts, t-shirts and sweatshirts) but I surely can't afford to replace everything all at once. I think I'll store my "skinny" clothes at my son's home since for sure there will be another health crisis that will cause me to lose a lot of weight. This has happened probably four times over the past 12 years.

And I know with my hypothyroidism I am unable to lose weight unless I'm very ill or extremely anxious. I want to lose 7 pounds but I know I won't be able to.

[boltnrun]

Crazy weather today. Pouring rain with 30 mph winds. Gusts to 50 mph. The front door to my apartment complex has been broken the entire time I've lived here and it's slamming repeatedly due to the wind. Woke me up several times during the night. At least I'm upstairs from it. The people in apartments 1 and 2 must be going nuts.

I charged my lamp and phone and portable battery source just in case. 

Super grateful to be working from home although I'm worried about my son, his spouse and my nephew and niece. They all have to drive to work or school. Maybe they stayed home today. 

[boltnrun]

My family Christmas gathering is this weekend. I've pretty much resigned myself to being exposed at the gathering. My cousin's husband refuses to get vaccinated and he just posted on Facebook he's "feeling sick" but is going to work anyway 🙄 so he's a likely source. And while I believe most of my extended family is vaccinated, they also persist in traveling, gathering in various groups, attending events like concerts and not wearing masks. 

I think with my previous bout with Covid and being vaccinated and boosted, I should have a good amount of protection. And if I do get sick I have enough time before I'm meeting my friends at the end of the month to recover and no longer be infectious. Also, very fortunate to be able to work remotely.

[Seraphim]

36 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My family Christmas gathering is this weekend. I've pretty much resigned myself to being exposed at the gathering. My cousin's husband refuses to get vaccinated and he just posted on Facebook he's "feeling sick" but is going to work anyway 🙄 so he's a likely source. And while I believe most of my extended family is vaccinated, they also persist in traveling, gathering in various groups, attending events like concerts and not wearing masks. 

I think with my previous bout with Covid and being vaccinated and boosted, I should have a good amount of protection. And if I do get sick I have enough time before I'm meeting my friends at the end of the month to recover and no longer be infectious. Also, very fortunate to be able to work remotely.

You should be ok. ❤️

[boltnrun]

I think I can fight it off if I'm exposed. It's really just speculation now, but with my cousin's husband unvaccinated and saying he's sick, and with the party only a couple of days away, I feel it could happen. But I'm not going to go into hysterics of anxiety. I'll either get sick or I won't.

I dined indoors a couple of weeks ago. Everyone in the restaurant was unmasked and I'm fine. 

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I think I can fight it off if I'm exposed. It's really just speculation now, but with my cousin's husband unvaccinated and saying he's sick, and with the party only a couple of days away, I feel it could happen. But I'm not going to go into hysterics of anxiety. I'll either get sick or I won't.

I dined indoors a couple of weeks ago. Everyone in the restaurant was unmasked and I'm fine. 

I think you have so many antibodies now you will be just fine. Great job with not worrying !! Since I have lost so many family members within a year not Covid but other things we are seeing everybody we just don’t care because as my mother said you never know who is missing from next Christmas. My province just hit 2400 cases today. In three months we’ve gone from 300 to 2400. So we are in wave number five. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️😞😞 but I get my booster in a few days my husband gets his in January and my son has refused his. I am thankful he has two shots anyway. 

[boltnrun]

I just decided I'm not going to get upset about it. I'll still wear my mask in public (indoors, not outdoors) and I won't hug anyone but other than that, I will just plug along.

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I just decided I'm not going to get upset about it. I'll still wear my mask in public (indoors, not outdoors) and I won't hug anyone but other than that, I will just plug along.

It is all we can do. Eventually we have to get back to a regular life . 

[boltnrun]

Grr... everyone at work is in such a rush to try to cram stuff in before the end of the year they're making a TON of mistakes. And I can't fix these mistakes. The engineers need to fix them.

Instead of trying to hurry so they can go on their holiday vacations, how about taking just a few extra minutes to do it right so I don't end up having to kick it back which results in delays? Makes no sense to me.

[boltnrun]

And another rant...I gained back all the weight so I am having to buy new pants. I am about 5'3" ( about 160 cm) and weigh about 132 pounds (approximately just under 60 kg). According to most places I've been shopping I am a size Large. Really??? No wonder people have self image issues. The sizing in the US is ridiculous.

They say Marilyn Monroe would have been about a size 14 in today's sizing, which would put her in the "Plus size" category. This is insane.

[Jibralta]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

According to most places I've been shopping I am a size Large. Really??? No wonder people have self image issues. The sizing in the US is ridiculous.

For women it sure is. Men's sizing makes a lot more sense. They also pay less for haircuts, pedicures, and manicures 😂

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

For women it sure is. Men's sizing makes a lot more sense. They also pay less for haircuts, pedicures, and manicures 😂

Haircuts I can see because generally speaking men have less or shorter hair than women and don't have as many services done (complex color, perms or straightening, styling, etc.).

I've never had a manicure or a pedicure. I always just did that myself. Perhaps those cost more for women because men generally don't get their nails painted, have gemstones inserted, don't get gels (is that the right term?) or false nails, etc. 

I just hate that because of societal conditioning I feel like I'm a bigger person because I apparently wear a size large. Intellectually I know it's totally unimportant, but it's been ingrained that if you wear a large you're FAT and FAT is bad!

I actually like having curves, so I need to have a sit down talk with myself lol!

[Seraphim]

Eh,I am a size 14 and considered “ obese “ My doctor says I should weigh no more than I20 pounds for my bone structure and height , but that is never in this life time going to happen . I would be a size 4 then . I was a size 4 but after having kids and menopause etc , nope. 

[boltnrun]

Apparently, my BMI is 23.4 which is considered "normal and healthy" for a middle-aged woman.  So WHY THE H*LL do I wear a size Large???

In number sizes I can be either a six or an eight, depending on the store.  At JC Penney I am a consistent size six.  But at other stores I'm an eight.  And forget H & M, there I'm a 12 or 14.  I'm not sure who the models are who they use to size but they must be teeny tiny.

I would honestly like to lose 7 pounds.  I like the way I look and feel at 125 pounds.  I like the curves but I don't like the belly.  And the hips!  Thanks, kids lol!  

I'm walking consistently 3 or 4 times a week except for this week.  I was running around like a maniac Monday running errands, Tuesday it poured, Wednesday it was too cold, Thursday it rained again.  I did go for an hour walk on Saturday.  And finally today after work I went for a 30 minute walk and it felt really good.  And all I've eaten today is a bowl of Cheerios and a container of yogurt.  I feel the hunger and I think, that's my body eating itself!  Yay!

Tomorrow is the family Christmas gathering.  Lots of food and desserts will be present.  I'm not going to feel guilty about indulging, but Sunday it's back to walking and eating small meals.

[SherrySher]

The fashion industry have been known to make normal sized clothing size like a 6-8, be tagged as 12-14.

They do it to try and force women to lose weight, be smaller, think they are too big, etc.

It's awful.

But they have been doing underhanded practices like this for a long time now.

It's a very messed up concept that women should be stick thin and that's the only acceptable size.

It's not healthy, and it's not okay.

Curves are normal, a bit of body fat is normal..in fact it's very healthy. 

Women have literally died trying to fit some kind of standard that is forced on us, or shamed into losing more and more weight.

It sincerely upsets me, greatly.

If you feel healthy and you have some curves, don't let the fashion industry, or tv, or movies or anyone else make you feel that you need to lose weight or that you're not the right size/shape.

It's not true.

The human body comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes and each one is beautiful and unique.

This idea that we all need to be some kind of tiny size standard is outdated and barbaric.

I will also tell you that there are people on the other side of the coin who are so ill and look like cancer patients due to their illness, and desperately wish they could gain weight, or have curves again, and be a more healthier weight.

So be proud of your body if you're healthy and have a bit of weight on you! There are people out there who are envious of that.

Focus more on healthy and not numbers or shapes. ❤️

 

[SherrySher]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I am about 5'3" ( about 160 cm) and weigh about 132 pounds (approximately just under 60 kg).

That's a great weight! Healthy, and also quite normal.

[boltnrun]

Thank you, Sherry.

I am not particularly healthy. I have three health conditions I'm currently being treated for (not including anxiety). I have hypothyroidism which you probably know makes it difficult if not impossible to lose weight. I get stuck at 132-136 and can't get below that.

The only reason I lost 26 pounds last year was because my anxiety was so severe it caused a disruption of my metabolism. I was in constant fight or flight mode which is terribly unhealthy. It took me over a year to gain it back. And I looked awful at 106 pounds. I looked malnourished and unwell. My boobs, hips and butt completely disappeared. It was really bad. 

I was hoping to get back to between 120 and 125 but with my thyroid condition I jumped right back to 132. 

I'm still going to eat less, eat healthier foods, and walk more. Those are healthy things to do. I got into the bad habit of eating a lot of sweets and fatty foods in my attempt to gain the weight back but that needs to stop.

[SherrySher]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Thank you, Sherry.

I am not particularly healthy. I have three health conditions I'm currently being treated for (not including anxiety). I have hypothyroidism which you probably know makes it difficult if not impossible to lose weight. I get stuck at 132-136 and can't get below that.

The only reason I lost 26 pounds last year was because my anxiety was so severe it caused a disruption of my metabolism. I was in constant fight or flight mode which is terribly unhealthy. It took me over a year to gain it back. And I looked awful at 106 pounds. I looked malnourished and unwell. My boobs, hips and butt completely disappeared. It was really bad. 

I was hoping to get back to between 120 and 125 but with my thyroid condition I jumped right back to 132. 

I'm still going to eat less, eat healthier foods, and walk more. Those are healthy things to do. I got into the bad habit of eating a lot of sweets and fatty foods in my attempt to gain the weight back but that needs to stop.

I'm so sorry to hear. Anxiety can be very difficult to cope with. I've been dealing with it too for a long time now and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

 

[Jibralta]

12 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Haircuts I can see because generally speaking men have less or shorter hair than women and don't have as many services done (complex color, perms or straightening, styling, etc.).

I've never had a manicure or a pedicure. I always just did that myself. Perhaps those cost more for women because men generally don't get their nails painted, have gemstones inserted, don't get gels (is that the right term?) or false nails, etc. 

Even a 'women's' cut for short hair is way more than a man's. For example, around here:

And similar with a pedicure. They have a "Men's" manicure and pedicure, which is priced less than what they charge for women. And yes, it's because men don't get paint or any of those extras. But neither do I! When I get a pedicure, I rarely get polish. I pretty much get a men's pedicure. But they don't give me the men's rate!!

Yeah, I could haggle.... But I'd be the only one! Everyone else shuts up and dishes out the dough. And I don't want to look like a crazy asshle so I just keep my mouth shut and quietly simmer.

Really pisses me off lol. 

12 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I just hate that because of societal conditioning I feel like I'm a bigger person because I apparently wear a size large. Intellectually I know it's totally unimportant, but it's been ingrained that if you wear a large you're FAT and FAT is bad!

I actually like having curves, so I need to have a sit down talk with myself lol!

Yes, but where would the beauty industry be if you didn't feel you were defective in some way?