Anxiety Help - Journal

[Batya33]

I'm so glad you went for a walk!

[boltnrun]

I decided I needed to order a few items of smaller-size clothing since everything I own is falling down. Two pair of leggings and two pair of joggers. I'm hoping I won't need to buy anymore.

 

I was planning to go to Sprouts, but it's in the next county over and they have removed the mask requirements for retail establishments including grocery stores. My previous city also did not have a mask requirement, it is just "recommended". If the store is not implementing social distancing protocols I am not going to shop there. Too bad, I really wanted to go buy some of their pie and they carry a larger selection of dairy-free frozen dessert. I was counting on those things to help me gain weight, but I guess I'll try another grocery store. ETA: I just checked their website and their company policy is to have social distancing protocols. So I will go check it out and if it looks good I will shop.

[Batya33]

I decided I needed to order a few items of smaller-size clothing since everything I own is falling down. Two pair of leggings and two pair of joggers. I'm hoping I won't need to buy anymore.

 

I was planning to go to Sprouts, but it's in the next county over and they have removed the mask requirements for retail establishments including grocery stores. My previous city also did not have a mask requirement, it is just "recommended". If the store is not implementing social distancing protocols I am not going to shop there. Too bad, I really wanted to go buy some of their pie and they carry a larger selection of dairy-free frozen dessert. I was counting on those things to help me gain weight, but I guess I'll try another grocery store. ETA: I just checked their website and their company policy is to have social distancing protocols. So I will go check it out and if it looks good I will shop.

 

Can you just go in for that one item - or two items, really fast and wear a mask?

[boltnrun]

Can you just go in for that one item - or two items, really fast and wear a mask?

 

I need a few things (and I have become very good at "speed shopping" lol) but I am comforted knowing that even though the idiots who run the county government think masks aren't needed any longer the store ownership seems to care. So although they cannot require that customers wear masks they ARE implementing social distancing and are having their employees wear masks. I have had to dodge people at my local grocery store so I will just have to do it there.

 

Another option is going to a different grocery store in my county. I believe I can get everything I need there AND masks are still required for shoppers. I may not have as good a selection of dairy-free frozen dessert but I am sure I can get pies. I love pie and I'm desperate to regain some of this weight. I've lost 18 pounds! I also had a "duh" moment where I bought turkey burgers last week but didn't buy buns. Silly me.

 

And to add to my list of woes, my bed seems to have picked up bedbugs during the move. I am getting bitten up like you wouldn't believe. Some of the bites are in some very "uncomfortable" areas. I've removed the bedding and washed it in hot water, I've changed pajamas, I've sprayed the mattress bottom and boxspring with Lysol spray and nothing has helped. I guess I'll have to have the property managers bring in a professional. Pest control means people inside my apartment walking around tracking in who knows what, but it's either that or get eaten alive every night. Maybe the pest control chemicals would also kill any virus that might be brought in by the workers. I really hope I don't have to stay in a hotel overnight because I am NOT comfortable with that idea at all.

 

I hate to think what the next problem will be. Seems like it's one thing after another.

[Batya33]

Oh I'm so sorry about the bedbugs!!! Shouldn't the landlord pay for any removal services?? I hate when I forget an essential at the store but I have my list on my iphone and try not to check it more than once or twice.

[boltnrun]

I'm not so much worried about the cost. It's more the idea of dirty workers with their dirty hands and dirty shoes coming into my apartment potentially tracking something in. And I don't mean dirty as in they are unclean people. I mean they often are not mindful or diligent about walking on carpet with dirty shoes or touching my belongings with dirty hands. It's funny, last fall I had a mattress set delivered and the headboard and frame installed. All I did was wipe down the headboard with furniture spray, vacuum my carpet and then just slapped some sheets on the mattress! I didn't worry one bit about germs or viruses. Now it's a huge concern.

 

At least I'm not getting as many bites. The past two nights I only got one bite each night. I'm going to ask my son to help me put my bed back on the frame. Right now it's just sitting on the carpet because the movers didn't bother setting it up.

 

I did get some good news today. I was scheduled to work onsite Friday but the training coordinators decided to have us wait until next week. They seem to not be sure where to place all of us, so they decided to hold off. That gives me another week to get used to the idea.

 

Also, the psychologist told me he has no appointments available for a few weeks so I got referred to someone else (she has the same last name so I presume she is the first doctor's wife or sister which is interesting). I hope she can see me soon.

 

I bought a peach pie yesterday. Once it's out of "quarantine" tomorrow I will be enjoying it!

[boltnrun]

So one of the businesses I follow on Facebook has been basically bragging about reopening and how they are so happy to be able to have customers inside just posted that one of their employees tested positive for Covid. I am sorry for that employee, of course, but to me that is a prime example of why reopening with little to no restrictions is a bad idea! They were temperature checking their employees and having them wear masks and still an infected person was serving food and drinks to customers. This is why I have not and will not eat from or at a restaurant or fast food place. Asymptomatic is a thing! Who knows how many people this employee potentially exposed.

 

And some people wonder why I'm so anxious!

[Batya33]

So one of the businesses I follow on Facebook has been basically bragging about reopening and how they are so happy to be able to have customers inside just posted that one of their employees tested positive for Covid. I am sorry for that employee, of course, but to me that is a prime example of why reopening with little to no restrictions is a bad idea! They were temperature checking their employees and having them wear masks and still an infected person was serving food and drinks to customers. This is why I have not and will not eat from or at a restaurant or fast food place. Asymptomatic is a thing! Who knows how many people this employee potentially exposed.

 

And some people wonder why I'm so anxious!

 

Yes that can happen!! We all have different risk levels. I take the food home and repackage it and wash my hands before I touch my face. Mostly I heat up the food. There is one place I do buy cold foodfrom -our regular sandwich place-I know the employees -they are masked and gloved. And I totally get why you won't -did you hear about the hair stylist who tested positive -but none of the 140 or so people in contact with her did because they think of the masks.

[Seraphim]

Yes, if I lived where you are I would be terrified. I hope you get the bed bug situation sorted out.

[Batya33]

I have a friend who went back to her "socially distanced" gym some weeks ago. Now she is worried because she has a bad headache, sore throat and fatigue. Doc thinks it's probably strep but tested her for covid which would take a week. So it occurred to me that the related issue to going back to gyms too fast is you have more stress once you feel any kind of respiratory symptoms. So I get it. Of course I would still feel worried even if I hadn't gone anywhere but - less so.

[Seraphim]

Here we are starting to calm down a bit . We have about 385 new cases country wide. While still bad it is not heart stopping atrocious. We only have two little parcels left not open to second stage opening in the country, Toronto and Windsor where many health professionals cross the boarder on a daily basis.

[boltnrun]

My friend who is traveling told me he went and got a massage at a spa. When I expressed concern he said "it's ok, I wore a mask!" He seems to think (like so many others) that wearing a mask protects him. It doesn't! It's to protect others from you in case you have the virus and are pre- or asymptomatic.

 

Sigh...

[Batya33]

My friend who is traveling told me he went and got a massage at a spa. When I expressed concern he said "it's ok, I wore a mask!" He seems to think (like so many others) that wearing a mask protects him. It doesn't! It's to protect others from you in case you have the virus and are pre- or asymptomatic.

 

Sigh...

 

My close friend is a massage therapist and won't go back to work or do private clients at this time. I agree -way too risky.

[boltnrun]

So, I finally got an appointment with a clinical psychologist!

 

One thing about me...anytime I need to or try to do ANYTHING, there are always complications. Nothing is ever simple. I always say, if there are wide double doors at the entrance I will be forced to go in through a louvered bathroom window. So without going into all the details, it took over a week for me to finally be able to get a referral and set up the appointment. We are doing a tele-health appointment next Tuesday. Which is perfect for me because I prefer not to have to go into an office. On Monday I had to see my new regular doctor and I had to go into his office. Of course there were a zillion forms to fill out because his office hasn't entered the 21st century yet so no way to complete the info online. Then I had to sit in a waiting room and when they finally brought me back they didn't take my temp until I'd already been there for 30 minutes. So, obviously they are not worried about letting someone in who might be sick! Anyway...I'm not wanting to repeat that experience so tele-health is perfect. I am looking forward to working on getting better.

 

Now, on another topic...I love my friend dearly, I really do, but he messaged me today telling me about his trip, how he's visiting friends and they're going out and how it was crazy that one store they went to was limiting the number of people in the store to 600 and isn't that crazy! And I'm thinking, not any crazier than traveling two states away and going out with friends and not wearing masks! I said something about him going out and he said, well, he hasn't seen his friends in a long time! Well, neither has anyone else! He seems not at all concerned about traveling or what he might be exposing himself to. It doesn't seem like his spouse went with him but I guess he doesn't think he could possibly be bringing the virus home with him. I had to just stop replying because I just couldn't believe his total lack of concern and I was afraid I'd say something that would end our friendship.

 

I'm thinking about taking a drive tomorrow. I now live very close to where I grew up and there are many lovely drives I could take where I'd have a view of the ocean. There might be some places I could pull over and get out without being near other people. I hope I can bring myself to do that since I haven't been able to go on any more walks since that one time.

[Jibralta]

Glad you're finally able to move forward with the psychologist.

[Batya33]

So glad you got an appointment and I hear you about the complications. Yes, I am not a fan of using "need" in that context -need to see my friends, etc.

[Seraphim]

So glad you got an appointment!!

[boltnrun]

I'm glad about the appointment too. I feel like professional help is absolutely necessary for me.

 

My friend told me her husband was just notified that someone at his workplace tested positive for Covid. She hasn't been working but he has, in a manufacturing type environment. She hadn't been worrying because she said the workplace is required by law to be extremely sanitary. But there's no way to keep the actual workers from being exposed outside of work and then coming to work infected. She is very worried and that upsets me because she has been such a good friend to me. She came with me to help me move DURING THIS PANDEMIC, so obviously she is a person who helps others. I really hope her husband was not infected.

 

Another friend who works for the same company I work for works at a location that has had something like 6-8 cases of Covid. I worry about her too because she is a single mother and she's been dropping her one year old child off at daycare while she works and then has to go work at a place where there have been multiple cases. I would be frantic if I were her but she seems to be dealing with everything OK.

[boltnrun]

So, apparently the pandemic is over! Yay!

 

One friend went to a party at some underground club last night. She posted pics of people grinding on one another, no masks and obviously no social distancing. The single mother I mentioned in my previous post decided to travel and visit restaurants with friends. Another friend got a tattoo.

 

I am going to continue to attempt to protect myself. But I guess no one else is concerned. I feel like I'm sheltering myself while the rest of the world falls apart from sickness.

[boltnrun]

I went for a walk with my son this morning. It was really nice to see him. We walked the neighborhood and down to the bluff overlooking the ocean. Very nice although it's been very overcast in the mornings.

 

We saw a poor man sleeping in the bluff park. He had no shoes and one of his feet had a huge, painful looking blister on the bottom. I'm sure he either can't walk or it's very painful. I felt so bad for him. I didn't have any cash to leave him. I wish I did so he could find it when he woke up and maybe be able to at least buy some food. Now I want to try to find him a used wheelchair but I don't know how to do that, plus I don't know if he'd even still be there when I find one. When I'm sitting at home feeling sorry for myself for being depressed and anxious and then I see someone like him, someone who has no home and no job and is out on the streets during a pandemic, it makes me feel selfish and somewhat ridiculous for my fears. My life is paradise compared to people like that poor man.

 

All I have been doing is donating to a charity that provides free food for people in need. It's not much but I hope a few more people were able to eat as a result of my small donation. I'm going to look into some charities in my area that help the homeless. I have to do something.

[Seraphim]

So, apparently the pandemic is over! Yay!

 

One friend went to a party at some underground club last night. She posted pics of people grinding on one another, no masks and obviously no social distancing. The single mother I mentioned in my previous post decided to travel and visit restaurants with friends. Another friend got a tattoo.

 

I am going to continue to attempt to protect myself. But I guess no one else is concerned. I feel like I'm sheltering myself while the rest of the world falls apart from sickness.

 

I think you are very prudent to be concerned maybe not to the extreme that you are but to have a healthy respect for what’s happening. You’re certainly not alone in that.

[Seraphim]

I went for a walk with my son this morning. It was really nice to see him. We walked the neighborhood and down to the bluff overlooking the ocean. Very nice although it's been very overcast in the mornings.

 

We saw a poor man sleeping in the bluff park. He had no shoes and one of his feet had a huge, painful looking blister on the bottom. I'm sure he either can't walk or it's very painful. I felt so bad for him. I didn't have any cash to leave him. I wish I did so he could find it when he woke up and maybe be able to at least buy some food. Now I want to try to find him a used wheelchair but I don't know how to do that, plus I don't know if he'd even still be there when I find one. When I'm sitting at home feeling sorry for myself for being depressed and anxious and then I see someone like him, someone who has no home and no job and is out on the streets during a pandemic, it makes me feel selfish and somewhat ridiculous for my fears. My life is paradise compared to people like that poor man.

 

All I have been doing is donating to a charity that provides free food for people in need. It's not much but I hope a few more people were able to eat as a result of my small donation. I'm going to look into some charities in my area that help the homeless. I have to do something.

 

I feel so bad for that poor human being. :( Life can be so cruel. Homelessness literally crushes my heart but if I’m serious many things crush my heart.

[boltnrun]

I think you are very prudent to be concerned maybe not to the extreme that you are but to have a healthy respect for what’s happening. You’re certainly not alone in that.

 

I found out my former husband's brother is as worried or possibly more than I am. He too won't eat takeout and is adhering to "safer at home". I think he won't even go for walks. I get where he's coming from!

 

I am getting less fanatical about some things. I used to melt down if a grocery item rubbed up against my clothing. Now I use my body to secure things I'm carrying, realizing that I can change my clothes and wash up after. I wipe down my purchases in my kitchen instead of outside. So I am getting a tiny bit more relaxed about some things.

[Batya33]

I found out my former husband's brother is as worried or possibly more than I am. He too won't eat takeout and is adhering to "safer at home". I think he won't even go for walks. I get where he's coming from!

 

I am getting less fanatical about some things. I used to melt down if a grocery item rubbed up against my clothing. Now I use my body to secure things I'm carrying, realizing that I can change my clothes and wash up after. I wipe down my purchases in my kitchen instead of outside. So I am getting a tiny bit more relaxed about some things.

 

Yes, I change my clothing immediately too. I can't imagine it's healthier for someone to stay inside all the time unless there's an extreme circumstance. Even at the height of our shut down we were encouraged to be outdoors and socially distanced.

[boltnrun]

Yes, I change my clothing immediately too. I can't imagine it's healthier for someone to stay inside all the time unless there's an extreme circumstance. Even at the height of our shut down we were encouraged to be outdoors and socially distanced.

 

I don't change immediately. I wipe down my groceries and then get undressed and then shower. After my walk yesterday I had to go out again later in tbe day and it seemed ridiculous to shower and shampoo twice, plus I was outside and passed by some people but was not inside a building with a lot of other people. One jogger huffed and puffed right on my arm. I didn't like that but I used a disinfecting wipe on my arm when I got home. Then I took off my pants and changed my shirt. I went to the grocery store later in the day and showered after that. It's exhausting to go through all that but it's what I need to do.

 

Virtual training continues today and per usual I was unable to sleep. I can't even explain why. I wanted to skip or go late but I don't think I can. So tired...