My boyfriend didnt cheat, but definitely crossed a line.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this.

 

I hope that this immediate ugliness—his social media habits, your snooping—is all enough for you to walk away, heal, and find a better match. Perhaps that's with someone where the thought of looking through their phone doesn't even surface, because you both trust him and yourself enough to handle nerves and disconnect differently. Or maybe it's with someone who shares the view, as Sherry outlined, that the occasional sleuthing is acceptable inside the relationship, which is good stuff to talk about early and make sure you're on the same page.

 

What seems pretty undeniable here is that this is not a man you trusted before this, and have no way of trusting in the wake of this.

[SherrySher]

Those that say you were right to not waste years of your life by snooping , are those that are not strong enough to trust their own instincts and walk away without evidence.

 

Thanks for the judging, but not everyone lives their life according to others. It has nothing at all to do with not being strong enough and everything to do with being smart.

I don't go snooping every single day, but if I had not trusted my instincts, I would have lived a hell of a life with men who lied and were doing very bad things behind my back.

 

I HAVE blindly trusted and it wasn't correct. It's called being naive and I now know that it's not smart to live that way. Wisdom teaches a person that if something feels off, it very well could be. And if I have access to finding out whether I am being played or not, you're darn right I am going to make sure!

 

If you choose to not live this way, so be it. But don't condemn those who make different decisions than you.

[SherrySher]

For instance, I met a man on a dating site many years ago. We got on well, had a few dates. After a while, we both decided to go off the dating site and be exclusive. And I did delete my account.

 

But I had a feeling something was up (and not because he did something wrong), but something in me wanted to make sure I was trusting the right person and not wasting my time.

 

So I checked up on him on the dating site. And low and behold, he was still on there. Nevermind that he was telling everyone he was single (though he was telling me we were exclusive). He was going on about a sob story of not meeting the right person and to my face, he was saying I was the best woman he had ever met!

 

You cannot take people for their word nowadays. If you have a way to make sure you're not being played...CHECK! No one is going to take care of you, but yourself.

So many women and men being played and lied to. It really is a shame. The best we have, is to look out for ourselves and to make sure we aren't being lied to.

 

Checking someones phone, meh..it's not the worst thing in the world. The worst thing in the world, is giving your heart to someone, blindly trusting them and being played a fool for years.

 

Not everyone has the same opinion, and you know what? That's cool. We are all different. I respect that. But I don't trust blindly anymore. And it's guided me well.

[DwindlingQw]

The fact that you snooped showed that you didn’t trust him. Not saying what he is doing is right. I would end it

[SherrySher]

Apologies for my rambling, but I wanted to mention a couple of last points.

 

I am now married and my husband has like, 4 devices, (he's a techie junkie). I do not have the energy nor inclination to go through his devices every few weeks or every few months. And thank goodness, I do trust him completely.

BUT, that came with experience and knowing that he is someone I can totally trust. (I would not have married him otherwise).

 

Should the day ever come that something doesn't feel right, I would talk to him first. Tell him my worries and take that route first.

If things still continued on being sketchy, I might take a gander, yes.

But my point is, things would have to reach a point before I ever felt the need to look. And would really have to be pushed.

But on a day to day basis, even week to week or month to month...you should be with someone you trust.

 

If you do feel the need to keep looking, then he's not the right guy for you. You should never remain in a relationship that makes you feel insecure or where you are somewhat policing. That truly would be a miserable way to live.

 

But to check on someone you just met or if down the line something feels really off? Then I don't see a problem.

Just don't make it a habit.

[Jibralta]

Wisdom teaches a person that if something feels off, it very well could be. And if I have access to finding out whether I am being played or not, you're darn right I am going to make sure!

 

Exactly. Don't be a sucker.

 

I mean, you can be if you want. But I'd advise against it every time.

[Wiseman2]

You seem too young and kind to be putting up with all this crap from anyone. Break up and start fresh with someone more trustworthy.

[Jibralta]

I regards to what i meant by "i let a lot slide" i didnt mean it as i let him blatantly disrespect me. i just meant i gave him his freedoms, like if he wants to have friends of the opposite gender thats okay. of course it made me a bit jealous sometimes but he let me have my guy friends and i know he got a little jealous too. so it went both ways. basically, i meant i just didnt police him because i was his girlfriend not his mom.

 

I see.

 

Well, you didn't do yourself any favors by putting yourself in an uncomfortable position where you had to stifle jealousy.

 

That in itself probably made you more prone to snooping.

 

You know, you have feelings for a reason. They give you hints. They aren't a sign of defect.

 

It sounds like there were at least some friendships and/or some circumstances with his female friends that bothered you.

 

I think it probably would have been better for you if you had spoken up then, instead of bottling it up. NOT that this has anything to do with your boyfriend's transgression.

 

I'm just saying that it's up to you and you alone to determine your standards and to uphold them.

 

I'm sure you had reasons for not doing so, including a fear of being perceived as "policing" or "mothering" your boyfriend.

 

Things aren't always black and white, and lots of times, you have to have a discussion to clarify what is and isn't ok.

 

You may have found out early on that your values didn't quite align.... not the most desirable outcome, I know.

 

If you try to stifle your feelings, it's only going to lead to anxiety and/or less than desirable behavior on your part. And probably some ugly surprises.

[EBlankenship]

Treat people EXACTLY how they treat you. I suggest u start telling your boyfriend that you're not in the mood. Then u should start hassling some hot guys online for nudes and sex. Maybe even offer them money, and send them some sexy pictures. Then leave your phone out to let your boyfriend "accidently" find it. Then insist you did nothing wrong. And get mad at him and leave.

[Wiseman2]

Do not do this unless you are a hooker...or have zero self respect.

Then u should start hassling some hot guys online for nudes and sex. Maybe even offer them money, and send them some sexy pictures.

[HeartGoesOn]

Treat people EXACTLY how they treat you. I suggest u start telling your boyfriend that you're not in the mood. Then u should start hassling some hot guys online for nudes and sex. Maybe even offer them money, and send them some sexy pictures. Then leave your phone out to let your boyfriend "accidently" find it. Then insist you did nothing wrong. And get mad at him and leave.

 

Or....You can choose to be the bigger person by refusing to stoop to his level, walk away and maintain your self-respect.

[TulipTrees]

OK, I've been lied to and cheated on, in both a marriage and in a couple relationships. It's pretty common, unfortunately, but I learned a lot from it.

 

Trust needs to be perceived like money in the bank. It can go up and down, as in grow in trust based on your positive experiences with someone, or go down when you encounter a breech in trust. People often make the mistake of thinking it is all or nothing and that you grant a new boyfriend a huge sum of trust 'just because you should trust your partner.' The reality is there are lots of people you shouldn't trust at all, or should only trust under certain circumstances, and it takes time and experience with that particular person to develop the appropriate level of trust with them.

 

So you need to start out with a neutral level of trust because you don't know whether you can trust the person or not. You don't suspect them, but you don't assume you should trust them 100% either. You take your time getting to know them, and you observe their behavior to see whether they are engaging in trustworthy behavior, or doing things that show they might be less than trustworthy.

 

For example, you shouldn't trust your partner if they are disappearing for long periods of time with no explanation, hiding their phone, engaging in a constellation of behavior that is associated with cheating. Or they seem to lie a lot about various things and show moral lapses. In that case, you'd be perfectly justified in trying to figure out if they're cheating on you, to protect yourself.

 

But if your partner is behaving well, has done nothing that indicates a propensity to cheat or be involved in shady behavior, has been building good trust creds with you over time, then it makes no sense to distrust them.

 

I've developed my own litmus test in relationships. If I'm going to get serious with someone, then all devices must be totally open for the other person to view should they choose to. If they have nothing to hide, they won't care about whether you look at their phone or not. They will be perfectly willing to invite you along on any activities they engage in with their opposite sex friends and won't try to isolate you from each other. You will have discussed what behavior is OK or not and agreed to it (e.g., is it OK to look at garden variety porn, but not OK to engage in live interactions with sex workers, either verbally or in person). So you define what your relationship rules are, agree to them, and stick to them. If the person violates them, then you have your answer, they are not trustworthy, and you should not be in a relationship with them.

 

So I ask the poster this question: What are your relationship rules and have you discussed them with him? Did you never discuss them so he didn't know, or did he know and violate them? How do you feel about him having interactions with live sex workers? He has clearly said he did nothing wrong, so he is fine with this and you are not. And he tried to bully you when you tried to talk to him about it. So to me, I'd think this is someone who you can't trust, and someone who wants to have different relationship rules than you do. So I wouldn't stay with them.

 

Take your time getting to know your next boyfriend, and make it clear that you believe in an open book policy in terms of trust once you get serious with each other. If you have one, you can't be accused of snooping, and the person is showing you they have nothing to hide. I wouldn't ask for open book immediately, but before you get serious with someone, you should have that privilege and make it clear you expect it. If he won't agree, then he's not the person for you.