Ex contacted me

[ninjabib]

You just need to block him OP. You know it as well. What good comes from NOT blocking him?

[bluecastle]

Yeah I feel each time he messages out the blue it sets me back and each time he messages I always say we cant be friends and it's as if he is not respecting that?

 

And I really dont know what he expected me to say when he said it would be amazing to go.

 

Well, if he's not respecting you why would you keep a door open? Serious question to reflect on. If you told me you were allergic to peanuts, but every time we met for lunch I insisted on going to the peanut-only restaurant, would you keep risking your health to have lunch with me? Would you think of me as a good friend, someone to keep in your life? Or would you think of me as someone incapable of seeing past my own nose and tastebuds—past my own immediate needs?

 

Personal story: my last ex and I had a pretty awful breakup—infidelity, confusion, big ol' mess. Eventually it would all settle into a simple story—two people who didn't work—but in the immediate aftermath I was thinking and feeling a zillion things, including very much wanting to see if we could get back together, a crazy truth that was also my genuine truth. And I was explicit about this: the only contact I could have was about that, nothing more. She didn't respect that, didn't have that in her mental-emotional toolbox. In the very early days (like the first 2-3 weeks) I responded to a few vague, emotional texts reiterating that: that I hoped she was doing well, genuinely, but that I only had bandwidth for talks of reconciliation.

 

Still, no respect. About once a month she'd shoot me some kind of emotionally-tinged note, which I ignored. I'd stated my position, I've got a thick skin, whatever. Eventually her notes got hostile, which wasn't easy for me, though by then I was moving on, largely, and was no longer thinking reconciliation. The hostility bothered me, though, because I'm a human with feelings, and feelings for that other human. Wrote a post about it. Probably blocked her that same day, not out of malice or weakness, but just self-respect and, more so, respect for reality. We didn't serve each other. That was the biggest truth that demanded respect. Sad, but something I just had to accept.

 

I don't think she meant to mess with me, as I don't think he means to mess with you. Breakups are messy, people are messy. And fragile. And, all in all, prone to act in self-interest and self-preservation, sometimes (during messy moments) at the expense of other selves. So why is he saying it would be amazing to go to that place? Because he's a mess—and, also, because the two of you had a messy dynamic. Maybe you're starting to see that more, with time and therapy, because that's really the key here—the doorway toward strength and repossessing yourself and positioning yourself for a better dynamic down the line.

 

Point being, a messy dynamic transcends labels. You're here, in the shoes you're wearing, because you two did not function well. Didn't function well together, don't function well apart. This is just more of that, but more corrosive and jolting because you don't have the comfort of a label. Dig deep, and it all points to the same place: a combination of two people that does not work. There is comfort to be found there, bitter at first, but only at first.

[boltnrun]

Why again won't you block him?

[LSL]

Well, if he's not respecting you why would you keep a door open? Serious question to reflect on. If you told me you were allergic to peanuts, but every time we met for lunch I insisted on going to the peanut-only restaurant, would you keep risking your health to have lunch with me? Would you think of me as a good friend, someone to keep in your life? Or would you think of me as someone incapable of seeing past my own nose and tastebuds—past my own immediate needs?

 

Personal story: my last ex and I had a pretty awful breakup—infidelity, confusion, big ol' mess. Eventually it would all settle into a simple story—two people who didn't work—but in the immediate aftermath I was thinking and feeling a zillion things, including very much wanting to see if we could get back together, a crazy truth that was also my genuine truth. And I was explicit about this: the only contact I could have was about that, nothing more. She didn't respect that, didn't have that in her mental-emotional toolbox. In the very early days (like the first 2-3 weeks) I responded to a few vague, emotional texts reiterating that: that I hoped she was doing well, genuinely, but that I only had bandwidth for talks of reconciliation.

 

Still, no respect. About once a month she'd shoot me some kind of emotionally-tinged note, which I ignored. I'd stated my position, I've got a thick skin, whatever. Eventually her notes got hostile, which wasn't easy for me, though by then I was moving on, largely, and was no longer thinking reconciliation. The hostility bothered me, though, because I'm a human with feelings, and feelings for that other human. Wrote a post about it. Probably blocked her that same day, not out of malice or weakness, but just self-respect and, more so, respect for reality. We didn't serve each other. That was the biggest truth that demanded respect. Sad, but something I just had to accept.

 

I don't think she meant to mess with me, as I don't think he means to mess with you. Breakups are messy, people are messy. And fragile. And, all in all, prone to act in self-interest and self-preservation, sometimes (during messy moments) at the expense of other selves. So why is he saying it would be amazing to go to that place? Because he's a mess—and, also, because the two of you had a messy dynamic. Maybe you're starting to see that more, with time and therapy, because that's really the key here—the doorway toward strength and repossessing yourself and positioning yourself for a better dynamic down the line.

 

Point being, a messy dynamic transcends labels. You're here, in the shoes you're wearing, because you two did not function well. Didn't function well together, don't function well apart. This is just more of that, but more corrosive and jolting because you don't have the comfort of a label. Dig deep, and it all points to the same place: a combination of two people that does not work. There is comfort to be found there, bitter at first, but only at first.

 

Yes your right I told my therapist about it and she said that was very selfish of him to say to me and she said surely this shows you that the relationship wasnt right because hes not respecting when you say it's too difficult to be friends

[LSL]

Why again won't you block him?

 

I really dont know just because he said he was really down a few weeks ago when he last messaged, I just wouldn't want anything to happen to him but I need to be strong and know hes not my responsibility anymore

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like your therapist is a good advocate and she is onto his motives.

I told my therapist about it and she said that was very selfish of him to say to me and she said surely this shows you that the relationship wasnt right because hes not respecting when you say it's too difficult to be friends

[bluecastle]

I really dont know just because he said he was really down a few weeks ago when he last messaged, I just wouldn't want anything to happen to him but I need to be strong and know hes not my responsibility anymore

 

Something to maybe explore in therapy:

 

He was never your responsibility—that's not what romance means but a destroyer of romance. We don't exist to serve the feelings of others, but to find people with whom we can feel like ourselves, cherished for who we are, and vise versa. This mode of thinking—he's hurting, don't want anything to happen—is a cornerstone of co-dependence, also known as black hole in which we lose sight of the precious thing that is us.

 

He is just fine, no different than you. If not getting a text back from you would be so cataclysmic to him that something would happen—well, that would have nothing to do with you at all but would be a symptom of some very serious mental health issues that he does not suffer from. He's just used to having you at his beck and call, as you're kind of used to being there—an unhealthy habit that didn't work inside the relationship and, now that the relationship is over, is really worth focusing on breaking.

 

You've got this. The moment you close this door is the moment a new door will open. Might take a minute or two to see what's on the other side, but I assure you it's better than where you've been.

[boltnrun]

So he disregards your feelings but you believe you have to keep yourself available to him so as to not possibly hurt his feelings.

 

Does that even make sense?

 

Do you want him back?

[LSL]

So he disregards your feelings but you believe you have to keep yourself available to him so as to not possibly hurt his feelings.

 

Does that even make sense?

 

Do you want him back?

 

No it would never work between us I would always be on edge hoping he wouldn't spring something on me like this again in years to come and I cant live a life with someone that is unsure of me after 6 years together

[LSL]

Something to maybe explore in therapy:

 

He was never your responsibility—that's not what romance means but a destroyer of romance. We don't exist to serve the feelings of others, but to find people with whom we can feel like ourselves, cherished for who we are, and vise versa. This mode of thinking—he's hurting, don't want anything to happen—is a cornerstone of co-dependence, also known as black hole in which we lose sight of the precious thing that is us.

 

He is just fine, no different than you. If not getting a text back from you would be so cataclysmic to him that something would happen—well, that would have nothing to do with you at all but would be a symptom of some very serious mental health issues that he does not suffer from. He's just used to having you at his beck and call, as you're kind of used to being there—an unhealthy habit that didn't work inside the relationship and, now that the relationship is over, is really worth focusing on breaking.

 

You've got this. The moment you close this door is the moment a new door will open. Might take a minute or two to see what's on the other side, but I assure you it's better than where you've been.

 

Yes I think your right it's as if I was his comfort blanket and he doesnt have that anymore and only reaches out when he feels like it. And I think I have done so well getting to where I am now from a couple of months ago, but I think you were right in your previous posts that I'm not strong enough for contact just now it's still very raw.

[bluecastle]

Yes I think your right it's as if I was his comfort blanket and he doesnt have that anymore and only reaches out when he feels like it. And I think I have done so well getting to where I am now from a couple of months ago, but I think you were right in your previous posts that I'm not strong enough for contact just now it's still very raw.

 

Being in contact—or being able to handle contact—isn't about strength. Respecting yourself and your health? That is, and that's what this time is all about, not building the strength to be able to have contact but to inhabit yourself, fully, tending to some spots that were neglected inside this relationship. The irony is that as that happens you'll find two things: you won't be so thrown by the idea of some light contact, but nor will you really have much interest in it. You'll have outgrown your weaknesses and, with them, your interest in him.

[boltnrun]

No it would never work between us I would always be on edge hoping he wouldn't spring something on me like this again in years to come and I cant live a life with someone that is unsure of me after 6 years together

 

So why do you feel obligated to "help" him?

 

What has he done since the breakup to "help" you?

[LSL]

I havent posted on here in quite a while, I have been doing really well and trying to get on with life and the other day I bumped into my ex and he said to me he has noticed I go out alot More and do more things then he said he could be wrong and it doesn't seem like the real me and that it doesnt help me, ? He was the one that broke my heart and I'm trying my hardest to get on with life but it has really got to me him saying that, why do you think he has said this?

[LSL]

Being in contact—or being able to handle contact—isn't about strength. Respecting yourself and your health? That is, and that's what this time is all about, not building the strength to be able to have contact but to inhabit yourself, fully, tending to some spots that were neglected inside this relationship. The irony is that as that happens you'll find two things: you won't be so thrown by the idea of some light contact, but nor will you really have much interest in it. You'll have outgrown your weaknesses and, with them, your interest in him.

 

havent posted on here in quite a while, I have been doing really well and trying to get on with life and the other day I bumped into my ex and he said to me he has noticed I go out alot More and do more things then he said he could be wrong and it doesn't seem like the real me and that it doesnt help me, ? He was the one that broke my heart and I'm trying my hardest to get on with life but it has really got to me him saying that, why do you think he has said this?

[Wiseman2]

How did you bump into him? Do you attend the same school or work at a the same place? Whats does he mean "he noticed"? Hopefully you have blocked and deleted him and all his people from all your social media. It sounds like chitchat small talk.

the other day I bumped into my ex and he said to me he has noticed I go out alot More and do more things

[LSL]

How did you bump into him? Do you attend the same school or work at a the same place? Whats does he mean "he noticed"? Hopefully you have blocked and deleted him and all his people from all your social media. It sounds like chitchat small talk.

 

We work In the same building, I'm not sure how he found it but it annoyed me a bit that he said it because he made a point of saying he hasnt been doing anything at the weekends so do you think its been a dig at me?

[Wiseman2]

Well he's always been manipulative so the poor sad puppy act is just part of this type of self pity to elicit a raise out of you that worked for so many years before. As your therapist astutely points out, don't bite and fall into the same old trap. Smile, be professional, curb chitchat and most of all, block him and all his people from all your social media.

he made a point of saying he hasnt been doing anything at the weekends

[LSL]

Well he's always been manipulative so the poor sad puppy act is just part of this type of self pity to elicit a raise out of you that worked for so many years before. As your therapist astutely points out, don't bite and fall into the same old trap. Smile, be professional, curb chitchat and most of all, block him and all his people from all your social media.

 

Yeah your right I felt as if he was trying to make me feel bad for trying to get on with life and for him to say that's not the real me and doesnt help me hurt my feelings

[bluecastle]

Honestly? I would thank him, in the confines of your head, for reminding you, yet again, that he is a manipulative bozo who is no longer worth your time or energy.

 

Once upon a time, when your identity was all caught up in what he thought of you, this sort of charade worked. That time has passed, is passing. You know the "real you" far better than he does, and that should always be the case, with anyone in your life. Your relationship may have been built around you forgetting that hard fact—around "losing yourself," as your friend put it—but don't let the breakup be built around it.

 

This man has never known more than a sliver of the real you. So thank him for reminding you of that, and keep doing you, for real.

[LSL]

Honestly? I would thank him, in the confines of your head, for reminding you, yet again, that he is a manipulative bozo who is no longer worth your time or energy.

 

Once upon a time, when your identity was all caught up in what he thought of you, this sort of charade worked. That time has passed, is passing. You know the "real you" far better than he does, and that should always be the case, with anyone in your life. Your relationship may have been built around you forgetting that hard fact—around "losing yourself," as your friend put it—but don't let the breakup be built around it.

 

This man has never known more than a sliver of the real you. So thank him for reminding you of that, and keep doing you, for real.

 

Thankyou that means alot, he genuinely made me feel as if I was doing something wrong with doing things and socializing, I felt like saying you told me you would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me. And there is actually people that want to spend time with me which has been nice, do you think it is because he expected me to crumble and sit in and cry over him and I havent done that?

[bluecastle]

I really, really don't think it does you any favors to try to understand why he said what he said, or what he expected. In a word? It's just ego.

 

Is it not kind of dawning on you that this guy kind of just sucks, or at least can't offer you anything but suckiness? Can you let this be an affirmation of that rather than a verdict on you or something you need to defend? Another reminder that the fabric of your connection was, well, much thinner and much less healthy than you knew when you were in it?

 

Imagine that, instead of this encounter with him, you were writing about going grocery shopping and being treated rudely by the person at the cashier. "You're buying that broccoli, and those eggs," they huffed. Odds are you would shrug it off, knowing you were going to go home and make a delicious broccoli omelet while the cashier huffed and puffed to the next customer.

[LSL]

I really, really don't think it does you any favors to try to understand why he said what he said, or what he expected. In a word? It's just ego.

 

Is it not kind of dawning on you that this guy kind of just sucks, or at least can't offer you anything but suckiness? Can you let this be an affirmation of that rather than a verdict on you or something you need to defend? Another reminder that the fabric of your connection was, well, much thinner and much less healthy than you knew when you were in it?

 

Imagine that, instead of this encounter with him, you were writing about going grocery shopping and being treated rudely by the person at the cashier. "You're buying that broccoli, and those eggs," they huffed. Odds are you would shrug it off, knowing you were going to go home and make a delicious broccoli omelet while the cashier huffed and puffed to the next customer.

 

Yes your right I shouldnt be worrying what he thinks because he is nothing to do with me anymore and I think he doesnt like the fact that I am out doing things and socialising as he made a point of saying to me he stays in every weekend? Like why tell me that?

[bluecastle]

At some point—and this moment can't quite be forced, but will just come about—you'll see all this as emotional exhaust fumes. His, yours, the relationship's. What I do hope is becoming apparent to you, as it seems clear as day to many of us here in the bleacher seats, is that you are far better off with this guy out of your life than with him in it. This little moment should really only further confirm that.

[LSL]

At some point—and this moment can't quite be forced, but will just come about—you'll see all this as emotional exhaust fumes. His, yours, the relationship's. What I do hope is becoming apparent to you, as it seems clear as day to many of us here in the bleacher seats, is that you are far better off with this guy out of your life than with him in it. This little moment should really only further confirm that.

 

Yes definitely sorry to go on about it I just felt as if I was being made to feel bad about being out and about, and I wasnt sure if he was being patronising towards me?

[LSL]

I've not posted on here in such a long time as I have been doing really well but past few days I have been feeling down about the breakup and it has been 5 months now is it normal to feel like this sometimes?