Ex contacted me

[boltnrun]

" today I seem to be feeling upset over our relationship ending. I think because my ex text me a couple of weeks ago saying he is down etc because of us breaking up and what he has done to me, I cant stop thinking about it, "

 

Communication with him is the cause of your upset, not the cure for it.

 

See my signature line.

 

It's OK to have down days. It's how we choose to act that makes an impact on our lives.

 

Feeling down? See your friends, your family, do something you enjoy. Don't re-engage with someone who discarded you from his life and then thinks he can just pop back in whenever he feels like it.

[LSL]

" today I seem to be feeling upset over our relationship ending. I think because my ex text me a couple of weeks ago saying he is down etc because of us breaking up and what he has done to me, I cant stop thinking about it, "

 

Communication with him is the cause of your upset, not the cure for it.

 

See my signature line.

 

It's OK to have down days. It's how we choose to act that makes an impact on our lives.

 

Feeling down? See your friends, your family, do something you enjoy. Don't re-engage with someone who discarded you from his life and then thinks he can just pop back in whenever he feels like it.

 

Thank you I think I am just worried about him after saying all those things a couple of weeks ago but it isnt fair to land all that on me after he chose to end our 6 year relationship because he was bored on a day to day basis and would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me.

 

I think because also two of our mutual friends are expecting a baby and others have just got engaged I'm feeling this way as I just feel I've turned 30 and starting over again.

[LSL]

Reread previous advise

 

not sure why I am feeling down today but thought I would post on here. I have been doing so well and kept myself busy over Christmas and new year and today I seem to be feeling upset over our relationship ending. I think because my ex text me a couple of weeks ago saying he is down etc because of us breaking up and what he has done to me, I cant stop thinking about it, I feel bad I cant help him but should I really be feeling this way? Because I said to him it is far too hard for me to be his friend but if he really did need me to let me know and since then he has been very dry so I'm thinking is there any point messaging him to see how he is? As he is the one who decided to split with me.

[bluecastle]

I'd worry about yourself right now, not him. He's a little down, you're a little down, you're each handling that the best you can. That's all his reaching out was: a thing exes do, have done for centuries. I'd label it as "human" rather than "unfair." Less mystery that way, less weight. The only reason to make it more in your mind is because—understandably—you're still in the process of letting go.

 

There's no off switch for the thoughts and feelings you're having, of course. But there is a way to just observe them rather than indulge them. I like to remind myself that it's okay to feel whatever I might be feeling—and then do something I know makes me feel better. Could be tiny, like doing the dishes. Could be less tiny, like an 8 mile hike. Could be a glass of wine with a friend. And so on. Those choices stack up.

 

One thing that his me, when I turned 30, was the reality that the feeling of "starting over" is a kind of unavoidable part of life. Sometimes it'll be more intense than others—and harder—but if you can lean into it as something to be excited about, rather than some verdict, you're likely not only to look back at this as a vital time of growth but to have a different perspective on things moving through the business of living—including future relationships.

[LSL]

I'd worry about yourself right now, not him. He's a little down, you're a little down, you're each handling that the best you can. That's all his reaching out was: a thing exes do, have done for centuries. I'd label it as "human" rather than "unfair." Less mystery that way, less weight. The only reason to make it more in your mind is because—understandably—you're still in the process of letting go.

 

There's no off switch for the thoughts and feelings you're having, of course. But there is a way to just observe them rather than indulge them. I like to remind myself that it's okay to feel whatever I might be feeling—and then do something I know makes me feel better. Could be tiny, like doing the dishes. Could be less tiny, like an 8 mile hike. Could be a glass of wine with a friend. And so on. Those choices stack up.

 

One thing that his me, when I turned 30, was the reality that the feeling of "starting over" is a kind of unavoidable part of life. Sometimes it'll be more intense than others—and harder—but if you can lean into it as something to be excited about, rather than some verdict, you're likely not only to look back at this as a vital time of growth but to have a different perspective on things moving through the business of living—including future relationships.

 

Thank you blue castle I was doing so well with no contact with him for over a month and since hes reached out its put me back a bit and now I'm concerned about him but he chose all of this that's the thing.

 

Yeah well I have an appointment with mortgage advisor in a couple of weeks to see about buying my own place, need to keep moving forward even though I'm still in pain

[bluecastle]

I wouldn't say it put you back—that's just a label, a self-defeating one. It's still forward movement, just part of it that snags a bit. That's life: never seamless, and more interesting for it.

 

Exciting about the mortgage advisor. When I was a little older than you—33—my girlfriend at the time broke up with me. Crushing. I went to another city for a week to unwind, be a little lost and sad. A week became a month, another. Ended up buying a home, something I've always wanted. Felt great doing that on my own—lived in it for a bit, and now I live off the rental income in yet another city. A second breakup happened in between, so you could say I've "started over" a few times. But it's all connected, all good, as I think this will prove to be a good time in your life.

[LSL]

I wouldn't say it put you back—that's just a label, a self-defeating one. It's still forward movement, just part of it that snags a bit. That's life: never seamless, and more interesting for it.

 

Exciting about the mortgage advisor. When I was a little older than you—33—my girlfriend at the time broke up with me. Crushing. I went to another city for a week to unwind, be a little lost and sad. A week became a month, another. Ended up buying a home, something I've always wanted. Felt great doing that on my own—lived in it for a bit, and now I live off the rental income in yet another city. A second breakup happened in between, so you could say I've "started over" a few times. But it's all connected, all good, as I think this will prove to be a good time in your life.

 

Yes I think its best to Just cut all contact? Would you say that's the best thing to do? Because I have accepted he doesnt want to be with me but he cannot hop in and out of contact when he wants as he chose to end the relationship. Like some days I do get really down but I just keep reminding myself I havent done anything wrong.

 

That's amazing you bought your own home, I am excited and terrified at the same time Haha but I think this will be good for me as the breakup honestly crushed me like I cant describe how i was feeling two months ago probably the lowest i have ever been in my life.

[bluecastle]

Yes I think its best to Just cut all contact? Would you say that's the best thing to do?

 

I do, yeah. The math is simple: contact, at this juncture, only creates confusion and hurt, so what is the point of it?

 

Personally, I'm not a big fan of making massive declarations—all contact ceased, eternally, and so on—since I think that just gives these moments more power than they need to have. It's more like being sick or having a sprained ankle: you rest, you don't put pressure on the sprain, because you need to heal. Breakups are similar: you give yourself some space to heal. And if someone fails to respect that, or you yourself can't quite take the space you know you need to take? Well, we live in an age where numbers can be blocked, if you need to take that route.

[LSL]

I do, yeah. The math is simple: contact, at this juncture, only creates confusion and hurt, so what is the point of it?

 

Personally, I'm not a big fan of making massive declarations—all contact ceased, eternally, and so on—since I think that just gives these moments more power than they need to have. It's more like being sick or having a sprained ankle: you rest, you don't put pressure on the sprain, because you need to heal. Breakups are similar: you give yourself some space to heal. And if someone fails to respect that, or you yourself can't quite take the space you know you need to take? Well, we live in an age where numbers can be blocked, if you need to take that route.

 

Yeah I've not made contact with him because if we keep in contact it's going to be harder to move on. And it's too hard just to be his friend If that makes sense?

[Wiseman2]

Perfect sense. You seem much better without him. More focused on real goals. He seemed to have been clouding things by being nebulous and inconsistent all along. Just like the friendly texts. Everything being neither her nor there is a hard place to be, therefore you're simply better with no contact. Now you have a fresh start, enjoy it. Don't think of it as 'starting over', thinking of it as starting a new chapter but one with clarity and lessons acquired.

Yeah I've not made contact with him because if we keep in contact it's going to be harder to move on. And it's too hard just to be his friend If that makes sense?

[LSL]

Perfect sense. You seem much better without him. More focused on real goals. He seemed to have been clouding things by being nebulous and inconsistent all along. Just like the friendly texts. Everything being neither her nor there is a hard place to be, therefore you're simply better with no contact. Now you have a fresh start, enjoy it. Don't think of it as 'starting over', thinking of it as starting a new chapter but one with clarity and lessons acquired.

 

Thank you Wiseman that means alot that you can see a difference in me from when I first posted on this in October I was a mess. Always feel I cant talk and here and people listen.

 

It is taking time to adjust to not having him in my life I'm not going to lie but I just think I know that I want someone in my life that is actually going to want to spend time with me and be certain about me. And I need to not blame myself for the breakup because I know I havent done anything wrong.

 

I dont think he will contact me again tbh, but if he does what do you think I should do?

[bluecastle]

Agree with Wiseman.

 

You really sound so, so much better—and I suspect I'd say the same thing even if I knew you when this relationship was at its best. You're tapping into the singular, powerful thing that is you—the thing you want cherished by someone who is certain about you. The first step toward finding that person is finding that stuff in yourself: self-possession, rather than finding yourself in being possessed, since that's just losing yourself.

 

If he contacts you again? You can just ignore it—zero harm or drama in that. Or you can let him know that you're taking space for yourself right now, that you hope he's doing well but will no longer be replying. And that's that for the time being. If there is anything of real substance or value for either of you to communicate, it's not going to happen at this stage, but many months from now, once the sharpest feelings of dulled.

[LSL]

Agree with Wiseman.

 

You really sound so, so much better—and I suspect I'd say the same thing even if I knew you when this relationship was at its best. You're tapping into the singular, powerful thing that is you—the thing you want cherished by someone who is certain about you. The first step toward finding that person is finding that stuff in yourself: self-possession, rather than finding yourself in being possessed, since that's just losing yourself.

 

If he contacts you again? You can just ignore it—zero harm or drama in that. Or you can let him know that you're taking space for yourself right now, that you hope he's doing well but will no longer be replying. And that's that for the time being. If there is anything of real substance or value for either of you to communicate, it's not going to happen at this stage, but many months from now, once the sharpest feelings of dulled.

 

I think I have surprised myself at how strong I actually am. I'm quite a quiet person and have always not had alot of confidence in myself and I honestly didnt think I would be handling it this well.

 

Yes I defo need to focus on myself as much as I would want to be there for him I need to be selfish and look after my own mental health, as he chose this this is what he wanted so I shouldn't be feeling bad for the way he is feeling. And I truly believe I am not the things he said I was about being naive etc and losing interest because I dont think I am a boring person.

[RayRay63]

 

If he contacts you again? You can just ignore it—zero harm or drama in that. Or you can let him know that you're taking space for yourself right now, that you hope he's doing well but will no longer be replying. And that's that for the time being. If there is anything of real substance or value for either of you to communicate, it's not going to happen at this stage, but many months from now, once the sharpest feelings of dulled.

 

It is an interesting question. I tend to agree with Bluecastle, but... OP said before:

 

I know just don't want him thinking he can jump in and out of contact when he can if that makes sense?

 

So it depends what he says. If it's a meaningless "how's your aunty?" type message then yeah, maybe ignore it.

 

If it's something of more substance, sit on it for a couple of weeks and think about what you want at that point.

[LSL]

It is an interesting question. I tend to agree with Bluecastle, but... OP said before:

 

 

 

So it depends what he says. If it's a meaningless "how's your aunty?" type message then yeah, maybe ignore it.

 

If it's something of more substance, sit on it for a couple of weeks and think about what you want at that point.

 

He text saying that he is feeling down and doesnt know if hes ok and I said is this because we have broken up and he said yes and what I've done to you. He said he feels bad every day. I said you chose this though to like split up with me and he said yes I know but I still care for you.

 

So what should I take from that message?

 

We were then talking for a bit and he started to become dry after texting me all that and we havent spoken since. Do you think I should message to see if he is ok? That was a couple of weeks ago now since we spoke so should I just leave it?

[Wiseman2]

That he needs to pay a doctor and therapist and stop dragging down people with him. It also means you made the right choice getting away from him. Don't waste your life on a button pusher like this. If he texts this drivel again, be strong and tell him he needs to speak to a therapist . ...Or pay you $200/hr to listen to his nonsense.

So what should I take from that message?

[LSL]

That he needs to pay a doctor and therapist and stop dragging down people with him. It also means you made the right choice getting away from him. Don't waste your life on a button pusher like this. If he texts this drivel again, be strong and tell him he needs to speak to a therapist . ...Or pay you $200/hr to listen to his nonsense.

 

Yeah you are right, it just made me worried about him when he said those things and it made me feel as if I should do something to help him, but you think not to?

[boltnrun]

Help him what? Feel better about dumping you?

 

You're going backward in your thinking.

 

Are you looking for an excuse to contact him?

 

If he's so upset about the breakup he can ask you to reconcile. Otherwise it's just noise.

[LSL]

Help him what? Feel better about dumping you?

 

You're going backward in your thinking.

 

Are you looking for an excuse to contact him?

 

 

If he's so upset about the breakup he can ask you to reconcile. Otherwise it's just noise.

 

No no I need to put myself first, Yeah I totally agree with you, something inside me thinks that he only contacted me to see what i have been up to, because I have not contacted him in over a month

[bluecastle]

He contacted you because...he felt like contacting you. Don't make it mysterious, but just what it is. He's down, wanted you to know he was down, end scene. Not graceful, not malicious, just emotional human folly. If he wanted anything else, he would have done something else, said something else, because that's what humans do, by and large: they act out of self-interest and self-preservation. It's really that simple, with your own hurt and confusion the thing making it complex.

 

As for this business of worrying about him, itching to reach out and see if he's okay?

 

I'd reflect for a moment, and think about how much that worry and instinct is a bit of a habit: something you probably felt often inside the relationship, wondering if he was okay, if he needed something, if there was something you could do, and so forth. If so, reflect even harder. See how that worry says more about you—and the unhealthy dynamic you two had, your own unhealthy means of self-interest and self-preservation—than him and his current state. It's kind of you wanting to feel a little better by asking if he's okay. Worrying about him—about you and him—is a source of comfort, if an unhealthy one, if that makes sense. Better to see that, than react to that.

 

Habits and dynamics are hard to break, to let go of, because we humans like what is familiar, even if it doesn't serve our fullest selves. He is a person, living on the planet, fed and sheltered, which is to say he is fine, okay. You are exactly the same. You are both fine, okay, and you will be more fine, more okay, if you can let go of needing validation and identity by soothing him—or, really, any man. It's a thin mode of connection, edgy and draining, as your relationship with him proved.

 

This is a hard moment. Think of it like shedding a husk. You don't have new habits established to replace old ones, so it's a bit harsh, disorienting. Still, you know the old habits didn't serve you, so stay strong and have faith. They're coming, and as they do you'll feel stronger, better, more like you than the version of yourself you are alongside him.

 

Hope that helps.

[RayRay63]

He text saying that he is feeling down and doesnt know if hes ok and I said is this because we have broken up and he said yes and what I've done to you. He said he feels bad every day. I said you chose this though to like split up with me and he said yes I know but I still care for you.

 

So what should I take from that message?

 

We were then talking for a bit and he started to become dry after texting me all that and we havent spoken since. Do you think I should message to see if he is ok? That was a couple of weeks ago now since we spoke so should I just leave it?

 

You should take that he has dumped you, yet is so selfish that he wanted you to hang around and help him through that.

 

Option A: text him to see if he is OK and prolong the agony.

 

Option B: Do not text him, and progress to moving on.

 

B please.

[LSL]

He contacted you because...he felt like contacting you. Don't make it mysterious, but just what it is. He's down, wanted you to know he was down, end scene. Not graceful, not malicious, just emotional human folly. If he wanted anything else, he would have done something else, said something else, because that's what humans do, by and large: they act out of self-interest and self-preservation. It's really that simple, with your own hurt and confusion the thing making it complex.

 

As for this business of worrying about him, itching to reach out and see if he's okay?

 

I'd reflect for a moment, and think about how much that worry and instinct is a bit of a habit: something you probably felt often inside the relationship, wondering if he was okay, if he needed something, if there was something you could do, and so forth. If so, reflect even harder. See how that worry says more about you—and the unhealthy dynamic you two had, your own unhealthy means of self-interest and self-preservation—than him and his current state. It's kind of you wanting to feel a little better by asking if he's okay. Worrying about him—about you and him—is a source of comfort, if an unhealthy one, if that makes sense. Better to see that, than react to that.

 

Habits and dynamics are hard to break, to let go of, because we humans like what is familiar, even if it doesn't serve our fullest selves. He is a person, living on the planet, fed and sheltered, which is to say he is fine, okay. You are exactly the same. You are both fine, okay, and you will be more fine, more okay, if you can let go of needing validation and identity by soothing him—or, really, any man. It's a thin mode of connection, edgy and draining, as your relationship with him proved.

 

This is a hard moment. Think of it like shedding a husk. You don't have new habits established to replace old ones, so it's a bit harsh, disorienting. Still, you know the old habits didn't serve you, so stay strong and have faith. They're coming, and as they do you'll feel stronger, better, more like you than the version of yourself you are alongside him.

 

Hope that helps.

 

Thank you for that I really take on board the advice you give it means alot. You are totally right I shouldn't be having to worry about him because we are not together anymore and if he did want anything else he would have reached out.

 

Yeah I am trying to be strong and be positive and I think I am doing well so far.

[RayRay63]

I don't suppose that telling you I gave you the TLDR version of Bluey's post is going to help right now.

 

Feel free to read it again in 6 months.

[LSL]

I don't suppose that telling you I gave you the TLDR version of Bluey's post is going to help right now.

 

Feel free to read it again in 6 months.

 

Sorry rayray are you able to repost it to me?

[RayRay63]

Sorry rayray are you able to repost it to me?

 

Option A: text him to see if he is OK and prolong the agony.

 

Option B: Do not text him, and progress to moving on.