Ex contacted me

[LSL]

Option A: text him to see if he is OK and prolong the agony.

 

Option B: Do not text him, and progress to moving on.

 

Option B for sure Is the best thing for me mentally, I need to think of myself first in this. I am still going to counselling and gym and that seems to be helping

[boltnrun]

Option B for sure Is the best thing for me mentally, I need to think of myself first in this. I am still going to counselling and gym and that seems to be helping

 

Remind yourself of this the next time you think you should contact him to see if he's ok.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Do not re-engage him. Not deleting and blocking him allows him to use up your head space with his nonsense. But... when you were right there he tossed you out like trash. Discuss that with the therapist.

I am still going to counselling and gym and that seems to be helping

[LSL]

Excellent. Do not re-engage him. Not deleting and blocking him allows him to use up your head space with his nonsense. But... when you were right there he tossed you out like trash. Discuss that with the therapist.

 

Yeah I am seeing her tomorrow so I will speak to her about it. Yes wiseman that what it feels like you are exactly right.

[LSL]

Remind yourself of this the next time you think you should contact him to see if he's ok.

 

I will do sorry to go on about it, think I need to make myself my number 1 priority

[bluecastle]

The irony—but a sweet one—is that the more you make yourself your number 1 priority the more you are making yourself into a woman who will be prioritized as such by others: friends, future lovers, future boyfriends, and so on.

 

When confusion is the price of admission for connection, something is off. I've had to remind myself of that here and there, but I've found it a good pillar to lean on during these sorts of moments.

[LSL]

The irony—but a sweet one—is that the more you make yourself your number 1 priority the more you are making yourself into a woman who will be prioritized as such by others: friends, future lovers, future boyfriends, and so on.

 

When confusion is the price of admission for connection, something is off. I've had to remind myself of that here and there, but I've found it a good pillar to lean on during these sorts of moments.

 

Yeah I am trying to focus on myself and keep moving forward.

 

Do you mean in with regards to the confusing messages I was getting?

[bluecastle]

Do you mean in with regards to the confusing messages I was getting?

 

Basically, yes. When basic communication feels like a maze, or like walking on hot coals, it means you're trying to communicate with someone who isn't worth communicating with at the time. Doesn't really matter who the person is, what your history is.

 

While I'm not a big proponent of the block/delete prescription, I do think that just blocking him for a good bit would help you tremendously. Think of it like closing the door to the party downstairs so you can get a good night's rest.

[LSL]

Basically, yes. When basic communication feels like a maze, or like walking on hot coals, it means you're trying to communicate with someone who isn't worth communicating with at the time. Doesn't really matter who the person is, what your history is.

 

While I'm not a big proponent of the block/delete prescription, I do think that just blocking him for a good bit would help you tremendously. Think of it like closing the door to the party downstairs so you can get a good night's rest.

 

Yes that's exactly what it feels like a maze trying to figure it out. Yes because my mind overthinks everything

[LSL]

Excellent. Do not re-engage him. Not deleting and blocking him allows him to use up your head space with his nonsense. But... when you were right there he tossed you out like trash. Discuss that with the therapist.

 

I spoke with my therapist Wiseman she said he was being selfish getting in contact and telling me about his problems

[Wiseman2]

Yep. Stick with this therapist. It seems like good advocacy and steering you where you want to go.

I spoke with my therapist Wiseman she said he was being selfish getting in contact and telling me about his problems

[LSL]

Yep. Stick with this therapist. It seems like good advocacy and steering you where you want to go.

 

Yes she said she can see the difference in me from a few months ago and said she sees a different side to me now

[boltnrun]

What did she say about you wanting to contact him to see if he's OK?

[LSL]

What did she say about you wanting to contact him to see if he's OK?

 

She said he is not my responsibility anymore and that I need to focus on myself and look after me because she said he has friends and family he can speak to

[bluecastle]

She sounds good—keep sharing and listening to her. Even inside a relationship—a solid, healthy one, at least—you are still your first priority and number one responsibility. Tapping into that now, on your own and as you let this go, is going to prepare you for a completely different, and much richer, paradigm in romance. Feels like a long, hard road right now—because it kind of is—but it's a worthwhile journey.

[LSL]

She sounds good—keep sharing and listening to her. Even inside a relationship—a solid, healthy one, at least—you are still your first priority and number one responsibility. Tapping into that now, on your own and as you let this go, is going to prepare you for a completely different, and much richer, paradigm in romance. Feels like a long, hard road right now—because it kind of is—but it's a worthwhile journey.

 

She also asked me the question if he was to turn round today and say hes made a mistake and he regrets it would I take him back?

 

I said no it wouldn't work as I want to be with someone who is certain about me and wants to spend time with me. I still love him i cant just turn off my feelings 6 years is a long time to be with someone

[boltnrun]

So your therapist gave you the exact same advice we all gave you.

 

I have to wonder if you posted here hoping we'd all say you absolutely should contact him to see if he's ok! And that you should continue contact. And that he contacted you because he regrets the breakup, he still loves you and he will probably be asking to reconcile soon.

 

It sounds like you have a terrific therapist, well worth what you're paying her. I'd listen to her if I were you.

[LSL]

So your therapist gave you the exact same advice we all gave you.

 

I have to wonder if you posted here hoping we'd all say you absolutely should contact him to see if he's ok! And that you should continue contact. And that he contacted you because he regrets the breakup, he still loves you and he will probably be asking to reconcile soon.

 

It sounds like you have a terrific therapist, well worth what you're paying her. I'd listen to her if I were you.

 

I think I had a moment of weakness but I've stayed strong and not contacted him and after speaking on here and to her I know its not my responsibility to look after him so there is no need for me to contact him. She also said it could be because he was wanting to find out what I had been up to that he might have contacted because I hadn't spoken to him in over a month and I didnt message him once he was the one that got in contact with me.

[Wiseman2]

Detachment comes in steps and they are not linear. However along with your therapist a look at the overall trend of moving into your own and away from this will happen. Don't fret over a fleeting thought or feeling. Just recompose and put one foot in front of the other.

I think I had a moment of weakness but I've stayed strong and not contacted him and after speaking on here and to her I know its not my responsibility to look after him so there is no need for me to contact him.

[LSL]

Detachment comes in steps and they are not linear. However along with your therapist a look at the overall trend of moving into your own and away from this will happen. Don't fret over a fleeting thought or feeling. Just recompose and put one foot in front of the other.

 

Yes you are definitely right, she also Told me it is normal to get upset sometimes and if I need to cry then cry but she said I am stronger than I think I am and said the difference in me is really good

[LSL]

Detachment comes in steps and they are not linear. However along with your therapist a look at the overall trend of moving into your own and away from this will happen. Don't fret over a fleeting thought or feeling. Just recompose and put one foot in front of the other.

 

So I have just received another text message from him asking how I have been and I said I have been fine and cut it short by saying have a nice day after that he then started to talk about my favourite place that we always used to visit together and said he always sees deals online for it and would be amazing to go like seriously? Why say that? That place has always been a very special place in my heart.

[boltnrun]

Why again haven't you blocked him?

[Wiseman2]

Why say that?

To string you along and get inside your head, just like it did.

he then started to talk about my favourite place that we always used to visit together and said he always sees deals online for it and would be amazing to go like seriously?

[bluecastle]

Why say that?

 

I don't personally believe that people, at least not most, do something like this with an explicit desire to manipulate or "string along." They don't have a to-do list that reads: pay electric bill, buy milk, manipulate ex.

 

That's actually what makes it so hard. And, really, why distance and firm boundaries are so important at these junctures. For some that means blocking right away. For me it's generally meant explicitly saying I need time and space and will be in touch at a later time, and then taking that: ignoring messages like this if they cross the transom, letting it fade, and blocking if it turns out that either (a) someone can't respect my wishes or (b) that I'm too thrown emotionally by the interference to heal properly.

 

There really is no "why," in other words, save for: he says that because he feels like saying it. It's literally that simple, that devoid of mystery. He's allowed. He's just a person with free will that he can spend how he wants. Thing is, so are you. You don't have to reply, or engage. You will not destroy him with silence, or yourself. Just as you're under zero obligation to respond to this post, or even read it—I'll be fine!—you're under zero obligation to reply to him.

 

I think the strongest thing you can do, right now, is accept that, for all your awesome progress, you're not strong enough for any contact. And, with that, go into your phone and take advantage of the blocking function. It won't change a single thing about any of this, save that it'll give you time to heal, which you need. A week from now, a month from now, you'll be thanking yourself for that choice.

[LSL]

I don't personally believe that people, at least not most, do something like this with an explicit desire to manipulate or "string along." They don't have a to-do list that reads: pay electric bill, buy milk, manipulate ex.

 

That's actually what makes it so hard. And, really, why distance and firm boundaries are so important at these junctures. For some that means blocking right away. For me it's generally meant explicitly saying I need time and space and will be in touch at a later time, and then taking that: ignoring messages like this if they cross the transom, letting it fade, and blocking if it turns out that either (a) someone can't respect my wishes or (b) that I'm too thrown emotionally by the interference to heal properly.

 

There really is no "why," in other words, save for: he says that because he feels like saying it. It's literally that simple, that devoid of mystery. He's allowed. He's just a person with free will that he can spend how he wants. Thing is, so are you. You don't have to reply, or engage. You will not destroy him with silence, or yourself. Just as you're under zero obligation to respond to this post, or even read it—I'll be fine!—you're under zero obligation to reply to him.

 

I think the strongest thing you can do, right now, is accept that, for all your awesome progress, you're not strong enough for any contact. And, with that, go into your phone and take advantage of the blocking function. It won't change a single thing about any of this, save that it'll give you time to heal, which you need. A week from now, a month from now, you'll be thanking yourself for that choice.

 

Yeah I feel each time he messages out the blue it sets me back and each time he messages I always say we cant be friends and it's as if he is not respecting that?

 

And I really dont know what he expected me to say when he said it would be amazing to go.