Holiday views...

[Camber 2019]

I see no reason to get upset with him if he doesnt want to go to your family's home on Christmas. You already know how he feels about Christmas. Why would that make you angry? Seems immature on your part to not accept him for who he is. Just ask him if he's going to go with you or not. It's not argument worthy in any way. If his lack of interest is too much for you, then he's not the guy for you.

 

That's a bit harsh and judgmental.

 

Bee in your bonnet?

[Cherylyn]

Yes, but who defines normal? Obviously you, as anything different to what you believe is abnormal. Religious wars are started on that kind of sentiment.

 

I don't celebrate christmas, as I don't believe in it from a religious standpoint. Apparently that makes me a grinch - and abnormal - because I don't follow what everyone else believes I should do. I don't want to spoil what anyone else does, to try to fundimentally break down christmas, I just enjoy not being a part of the season. That is how I live and I don't force that on anyone else. To me, this IS normal.

 

I live on the other side of the world from my family and I'll facetime them on christmas (it will be christmas eve for me) because I know they will want to hear from me. I very rarely go back 'home'. I don't celebrate birthdays, and we don't have a thanksgiving. This is my choice. However, if I had a partner, I would likely compromise my beliefs to accommodate them, and have with previous partners. But I will not be forced to do anything against my will just because that is what other people find normal.

 

So, if you just must defintely have your way and force him to come and enjoy these events, because you do, then you are not in for a pleasant relationship. If you are happy to do your thing and him do his thing, then you might be surprised at how accommodating he could be in the future. But, if you just have to have a man sheep who will put on the silly christmas jumper on Dec 1 and not take it off, who will be the life of every christmas party with eggnog and party poppers, then go find a man like that.

 

I define "normal" as normal expectations for those who partake in traditional family reunions and celebrations especially around the holidays or special occasions at any given time of year. Some family and friends travel far and wide to spend time together despite our extremely busy lives during the rest of the year.

 

I'm not referring to religion here. I'm referring to getting together during the few times of year we can do it such as my son traveling to be home a few times a year especially at Thanksgiving and Christmas and same with my SIL (sister-in-law, BIL (brother-in-law), nieces and nephews, their partners, spouses and / or children. It's the way millions of families congregate and nothing out of the ordinary.

 

I respect what you do and what everyone's personal preferences are. I was merely telling the OP, Bshapiro89 that someone has to sacrifice in a relationship where one person wants family togetherness during rare times of the year such as holidays whereas the partner prefers to remain at home. Traveling and attending alone is not always a happy situation and doesn't work for everyone. Generally, partners want to be together and not separated for holidays or special occasions. I'm not saying it won't work but not everyone likes it and this problem will not go away.

 

If both partners strongly disagree and cannot arrive at an agreement and if this issue causes repeated discord, obviously, values and habits are mismatched and incompatible. This is why I say it is better to be with a partner who will either cooperate, agree or compromise. If none of those arrangements are feasible and if they're all unacceptable, yes, this is problematic and perhaps this partner is not for you long term.

[Cherylyn]

And, I'm in the camp who would prefer NOT to partake in my cooking marathon for the holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas but I do it for my sons because it makes them happy. Their happiness is my happiness and same with my husband.

 

I would actually prefer to stay home for the holidays, remain in my pajamas and never lift a finger. However, again, I don't feel like being selfish. I do it for them and besides, it's only a few days out of the entire year. I don't do this everyday. The rest of the time, I have all the time for myself and daily or monthly routine just like any other household.

 

I cook a ton of food to bring to my sister's house for Thanksgiving, cook more homemade food to bring to my in-laws' house for Christmas and this year, my sister is hosting an early New Year's party the day after Christmas. On top of all that, I cook a lot for my men because they love it and it makes me happy. Yes, it's hectic and a lot of work but it's a labor of love. Life is too short and if I'm blessed and fortunate to have the means, good health and time to do this for my family members, I'll continue to do it as long as I have breath in my body. However, by the time I'm 80 years old, it will be time to pass the baton to the next generation and have them carry on the tradition.

 

I respect what other people do. It's a joy as long as everyone is on board and if some people choose to remain at home, we are fine with it. However, not all partners and spouses are fine with it and if this creates full blown arguments and fights over this, obviously, it's time to choose a partner or spouse who is either compatible or willing to back down and compromise somewhere. If no one agrees to do anything, then obviously, you'll never be happy with a partner or spouse who will fight over this every time.

 

If there are strong arguments and fights over this, it's better to choose a partner or spouse who believes in the same thing you do whether it's faith based, religion, (or non-religious / non-believers), family traditions and the like. This is why most people are evenly yoked when choosing a partner. I think it's great when two people are vastly different and compromise. However, sometimes there are serious clashes and these types of problems will never dissipate. It's better to be compatible because it makes life smoother and more content overall which is a no-brainer.

[Wiseman2]

There are a few problems going on here. One is this is new dating and family holidays can be overwhelming for someone you just started to date. Even if this were further along there are still other problems. If you expect to be with your family all the time on holidays how does anyone else fit in who may want to be with their own families?

 

The other is this guy's attitude. He sounds immature and rude. It doesn't matter if you personally "believe" in something or not, when you are a guest whether is a Seder dinner, Hindu wedding, Christian Christmas, etc, that is not a time to make some idiot stance on what one "doesn't believe in". If he doesn't want to spend Christmas with your family, fine. But watch out for people who need to inflict their beliefs or lack thereof on others.

At the beginning of us, we obviously talked a great deal about just everything, but one of the things he had asked me was if I celebrated Christmas and holidays, and I said well yeah I have my whole life

[Cherylyn]

In our families none of us inflict their beliefs or non-beliefs onto others.

 

Fortunately, in my case, we congregated both sides of the family tree for Thanksgiving at my sister's house. I helped her cook the entire meal with my contributions. I brought a lot of home cooked food to my in-laws house for Christmas dinner and tomorrow I'll bring a ton of home cooked food to my sister's house for an early New Year's Day party due to my son and niece's fly out-of-the-state schedules. Some of my in-laws will attend the party at my sister's house tomorrow. Yes, it's hectic and a lot of work but I figure, it's only a few days out of the entire year and after that, I can coast, relax, relatives and in-laws will fly home and life returns to normal again.

 

I'm unenthusiastic regarding the holidays because it's a lot of labor. I don't get to enjoy the festivities because I'm too busy behind-the-scenes, another cog in the wheel and have to work these holiday gatherings. Someone has to cook all the food, someone has to scrub pots 'n pans, someone has to clean up post-meals and I'm certainly not the type of human being to leave a mess for my sister or in-laws to clean up. I'm behind the kitchen sink washing everything and try to be a good sport. I prefer to work as opposed to engage with some in-laws with "mouth problems."

 

It makes my sons and husband happy to carry on traditions and have them get together with relatives a few times a year and holidays are it. After that, everyone reverts to their four corners and we resume normal life again. There are over 350 days out of the year to do what we want. It's just those few days out of the entire year which requires unselfishness and there's no room for self-centered behavior here.

 

We also have special occasions such as weddings, funerals, 80th birthday parties for great-grandparents, graduation parties and the like.

 

For Bshapiro89, since family gatherings especially around the holiday season or special occasions are important to you, you'll have to have a partner who compromises with you, makes sacrifices or he's out. There's no way around this. Either he cooperates with you, is a party pooper, fights and argues with you or you're the one who has to make sacrifices and stay home with him while the party goes on without you. Choose a man who won't make this an issue with you or be prepared to be unhappy because your boyfriend will absolutely refuse to do what you grew up with.

[Wiseman2]

They just started dating so scrubbing pots and pans isn't really the issue for them it's that he doesn't believe in Christmas.. Have you considered going out to a nice restaurant Thanksgiving?

Someone has to cook all the food, someone has to scrub pots 'n pans, someone has to clean up post-meals and I'm certainly not the type of human being to leave a mess for my sister or in-laws to clean up. I'm behind the kitchen sink washing everything and try to be a good sport.

[boltnrun]

Where did the OP say he "fights and argues"? She said she hadn't even invited him yet!

 

I think this disaster mongering isn't helpful to the OP.

[abitbroken]

He’s already gotten me gifts but gave them to me already bc he really didn’t want to give them to me “just because it’s Christmas”. He says “doing things for me on a daily basis like you do is what matters to me. I don’t need Christmas for me to get you things and vise versa”

 

Are you dating my first boyfriend?

My first boyfriend believed "you should be nice all year". Well, one of the days of the week we always saw together happened to fall on Valentine's day. While i was not expecting a gift or anything, i figured we would get together like usual. Maybe just say "happy Valentine's day" and that's it. or grab a pizza like we NORMALLY would have done on that day of the week.

 

So...what happened, he refused to see me that day! he said he did't want to do dinner because he doesn't celebrate. I get why someone wouldn't want to go to a fancy restaurant, or go out of their way to go out on a night of the week you normally didn't because one person worked late.

 

But to refused to see someone? He didn't see me all weekend so it could not be misconstrued as him celebrating.

 

He did give me a chocolate thing he made two weeks later "because i like chocolate and he doesn't celebrate Vday."

 

 

If someone doesn't celebrate Christmas, unless they are Jehovah's Witness, and know you celebrate, they would still wish you a "Merry Christmas". I wish friends well on holidays that i don't celebrate, but that they celebrate. There are Jewish friends who have invited me to Seder in the past, or to their home during Hanukkah and i never said "WELL, here is a book for your kid, i am giving it to you in November to make sure you know i don't celebrate.."

 

I have a relative that married into our family whose family didn't celebrate, and they had dinner with us just the same and enjoyed being included in the food and the love. They don't do Santa at their house - and that's fine.

 

There is a difference between not celebrating something because of your beliefs, and then there is going out of your way to make sure people know you don't celebrate so you can passive aggressively sit at home and stew.

 

i don't know anyone who doesn't celebrate Christmas would turn down an invite for dessert. But if they are turning it down, it should not be a speech from them

[Cherylyn]

If he doesn't believe in Christmas nor getting together with family, then either compromise somehow or find a new boyfriend who has no qualms getting together with family for special occasions such as the holiday season.

 

We're not restaurant people when it comes to Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, grad parties, 80th surprise birthday parties for our great-grandparents, etc. In fact, we only go out for meals once in a while. We're all about home cooked meals at either my or my sister's house when it comes to entertaining a lot of relatives and in-laws.