How to start something with a worker in a store?

[Rose Mosse]

Sorry...... that's way creepier to me than just asking someone out for coffee or if she's free to hang out sometime. The fact that some guy is tailing my moves in a store and trying to work himself up by increments makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand. It sounds like you have some severe confidence issues and have put her on a very high pedestal just because of her looks?

 

I noticed you're referencing physical beauty a lot. Is it possible that you're overestimating her by her looks?

[SherrySher]

lol sometimes I feel like I live in a different world to you guys

 

Men and women are different and most women would not be cool with it, despite what your friends tell you.

 

It's off putting and can be taken the wrong way.

[SherrySher]

The only angle I can fathom is to create opportunities where I can have return interactions with her that are organic and not forced, in order to build a natural rapport where I can be a welcome familiar vs. a recurring creep. Something akin to smackie9's advice..

 

All I'm saying is, I worked in retail...we know when you're trying to create "rapport" and pretending to come in for merchandise but want a date. It's obvious and it will be noticed, even in a larger business.

 

Real versus phoney, not hard to tell the difference.

 

Do it that way if you must, but she'll know what you're trying to do.

[SherrySher]

I noticed you're referencing physical beauty a lot. Is it possible that you're overestimating her by her looks?

 

Agree.

 

You're turning her into some kind of fantasy and she might not even be a nice person or someone you'd ever get on with.

 

Maybe dial it down a bit and realize she's just a human being who might be okay but also might not be.

[MirrorKnight]

All I'm saying is, I worked in retail...we know when you're trying to create "rapport" and pretending to come in for merchandise but want a date. It's obvious and it will be noticed, even in a larger business.

 

Real versus phoney, not hard to tell the difference.

 

Do it that way if you must, but she'll know what you're trying to do.

 

Yes, precisely.

 

When I worked in London, there was a sandwich shop on the way between the subway station and my office where I picked up my breakfast most mornings. I was essentially a regular. If there was a cute waitress there that I wanted to ask out, sure, I could gradually build some rapport before slipping her a note or just asking her out.

 

But the scenario the OP described is different. A bookshop is not somewhere you would go on a regular basis unless it had a designated area for reading.

 

It sounds like you have some severe confidence issues and have put her on a very high pedestal just because of her looks?

 

I noticed you're referencing physical beauty a lot. Is it possible that you're overestimating her by her looks?

 

I agree with Rose Mosse. OP, you are stressing out way too much over this stranger, no matter how pretty she is. The point of my direct approach is that there is literally no cost to failure. Yes, the chance of success is low, it usually is for the vast majority of mortal men... but that's okay because you have not spent hours, days and weeks of your life trying to engineer a convoluted strategy to build a fake rapport.

 

something that works only under perfect circumstances or in a movie.

 

Not necessarily. It depends on what you define as success. In my day-trip example, I ended up going on three dates with that girl and joined her and her friend on another weekend trip. Ultimately nothing came of it in terms of a relationship, but I enjoyed the company of a pretty girl for movies, parks and dinners, and made a friend (sort of) that I am still (sort of) in touch with. I would consider that a success.

 

Consider an opposite example. I once saw a strikingly beautiful girl on a pedestrian overpass taking pictures of the sunset on my way home from work. I chickened out of saying anything. I have never seen her again. (I guess she was a tourist) Sure, the chance that she was single and willing to go on a date with me was probably 1%, but 1% is better than 0%. So I should have just asked her out there and then. No time to build rapport in that circumstance.

 

In some ways, dating is a numbers game. Roll the dice enough times, you will get a natural 20. (D&D reference.)

[SherrySher]

D&D...gasp.

 

He he.

[Andrina]

This is a toughie. What would I do? After asking her for help on finding what you need, I'd say: "I've been coming here for x amount of years (can mention the genre you normally read as the reason, or not), and it's the first time I've seen you here. How do you like it so far?"

 

Then just listen and smile and if a brief conversation ensues, great, but do keep it brief because she needs to go back to work. I'd then say: I'm (name) by the way. I hope you have a great holiday season.

 

And then I'd just go back to the store on your normal timeline. No more and no less. I'd leave the ball in her court to approach you.

 

To add to the advice about telling a woman she's pretty and then ask her out. It's very redundant. Since you're a reader, you know about show don't tell. Of course we know a guy thinks we're pretty if he's asking us out. There's a right time to say certain things, and this is a time it's not right. Even when I was a teen and didn't have much experience in dating, I would avoid smooth talkers who so easily spurted those sorts of compliments, thinking how easily it rolled off his tongue. I figured he had a lot of practice. I went for more earthy types--guys who weren't so slick and aggressive.

 

I'd try the route I've suggested for a while and see if she notices you on subsequent visits and waves or says hi and wants to talk more before diving in to give her your number, since I haven't known any success stories with this tact, although they might exist. I know that one guy said something fun to me at a Panera Bread to denote his interest. My ego was stroked, but he was not my type and I also had just started dating someone. I do know that my friend is now married to a man who sold her a car at his dealership and he asked her out, but that was different because it was his workplace and they'd spent several hours together before he asked for her number.

 

It could be that she already has a bf or husband, so if you want a gf and have been having a hard time meeting women, try Meetup.com in the meantime. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[abitbroken]

It is honest though.

 

Given OP has barely had a conversation with her, and it is difficult to engineer an organic scenario where he could have one,

 

Goodness, what more organic can you ask or than being in the middle of a bookstore! It is one of the best places to try and talk to someone where there are infinite ways to not be creepy. Ask for a book recommendation - better yet, tell someone about a book you liked and ask what is similar. read the latest book reviews and new releases online. If the bookstore has "staff picks" and her name is on one, there is something to talk about! Its Christmas time, surely someone has a book on their list you need to find. I have been a customer and have had people talk to me (hey, do you see X title over on your side?") or if someone sees me look at a book "Have you tried the other cookbooks in that series? Would you recommend them for a kid/my mom/someone who hasn't tried the series).

 

Even if you don't end up dating her, ts great practice!!

[abitbroken]

btw, when i was in my 20s, it would have been the ultimate dream for a bookworm to have met a guy at a bookstore and end up dating him. I was not into bars. And i DID go to bookstores often, especially ones that were open late. Be open minded - you might strike up a convo with another customer. Maybe it won't go further than that one conversation, but you never know!

[Rose Mosse]

I used to work in a bookstore. If she's as young as I was back then it wasn't a big deal and quite flattering to be complimented. I never took it in a bad way and I got hit on by men and women (customers and coworkers). I was also making minimum wage and I doubt that's changed today for people working in retail. From my memories working at a bookstore, she's probably also inundated with a lot of existing questions already about whether books are in stock, what titles are coming out, what's the release date of so and so, where can I find this or that, what's your opinion on this as a gift et cetera. The last thing I'd have wanted especially in this busy christmas season are fake questions coming from a fake dude who just wants to hit me up and wastes my time asking 1001 questions that I already have to answer because it's my job... for every single customer. I remember I also used to work double time and double my shifts back to back to make up for the holiday season and coworkers on vacation. That meant long shifts sometimes because I also worked in receiving and started at 5am and then worked the opening and some of the afternoon shift. If that wasn't enough whenever there was a free moment, I'd pick up after the kids and the customers making a mess on an hourly basis.

 

I'd still go the direct route. Mention you've seen her working the few times you've been there and would love to take her out for a coffee if she's not doing anything after work one day. I think the simplicity of asking someone out is lost these days. There's a definite allure for me when a person is more direct (no bs) and says exactly what's on his mind. People have lives and when you're asking someone out at work, you're already crossing a few boundaries. I wouldn't hover about it or create grand dialogues. Be respectful of that space and move on if it doesn't work out.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Unless she never gets asked out and is rather desperate, it won't be welcomed. Some women who can't get a date or a bf or even a compliment or second look from a guy may jump on the 'direct approach' but this doesn't seem to be the case here.

Don't comment on looks, it's a turn-off. It's creepy and unoriginal and screams "I'm a player wannabe looking to get into your pants."