Family life falling apart

[MercMan]

Why not give this one last chance and live together at your own place away from mum and everyone else. I feel this is necessary, so you two are forced to depend on each other like you should be doing. This will form a bond as a couple, and that is what is missing here. Sure there will be issues, but it will be up to you two to work through it no one else. Now combine that will counseling, but the right counseling. Find one the works on communication and teach you two how to communicate with each other, and let you both learn how to work out your problems. Using a counselor to mediate is no different that seeing a divorce lawyer. That is why you are not accomplishing much. Your expectations are in the wrong place. They are not there to solve your personal issues, because that is not what you need to work on. It's all about communication. Communication and understanding each other is key for a relationship to last the long haul.

 

Getting out own place is going to be difficult.

Her mum has a few health issues so she wants to be close to her mum.

She won't rent as sees this as wasted money

she won't buy a house unless it's her forever home in a really nice area = massive deposit

we wouldn't get a mortgage at the moment as whilst she has been on maternity she has been made redundant so technically unemployed & my income will not be enough to get the house she wants (not to mention the deposit)

[Batya33]

You've mentioned this and I made a different point - put the children first by coming up with a custody/co-parenting plan. I didn't mean that you should try to be a family with her - you're not one now -you are not married to her and you don't live together as a family. Put the loving happy romantic relationship on the back burner. Put your kids first. That's what I wrote above. And that means taking actions so she cannot be a dictator -with joint or primary custody she can't be a dictator since you will have custody of your children in your own physical space at least part of the time.

[MercMan]

also when out first born was registered, he took my name. She then wanted to change his name to her surname-my surname. I reluctantly agreed.

Second baby was registered without me being there, so I am not on the birth certificate and he has just her surname.

 

Reasoning behind that is that she could not get an appointment to register him for ages, then complained and got an appointment in 10 mins time. I was at work, rushed out of work to get down there. (atleast 20 min journey in good traffic) I was almost there, then she called me and said too late she has already registered him and as I was not there I could not be on the birth cert. She says that she was told there was no time to wait and it had to be done there and then.

 

I told her that I believe this to be very unfair on her part - she should have pushed for another suitable appointment.

 

This is something that she had said in the past that she would do, register him on her own without me on there. She knew how important it was for me to be on there but she went ahead and did it anyway and she cannot see how upset i am over this. She turned it on me saying that I am being unfair.

[MercMan]

You've mentioned this and I made a different point - put the children first by coming up with a custody/co-parenting plan. I didn't mean that you should try to be a family with her - you're not one now -you are not married to her and you don't live together as a family. Put the loving happy romantic relationship on the back burner. Put your kids first. That's what I wrote above. And that means taking actions so she cannot be a dictator -with joint or primary custody she can't be a dictator since you will have custody of your children in your own physical space at least part of the time.

Sorry Batya, i misinterpreted your point.

I think this is going to be the only way that I will be able to father my children to be fair. I cannot see any other way.

Thank you

[bluecastle]

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but there is a pattern developing in this thread: various advice gets offered about active steps that can be taken, and in response you explain how those steps can't be taken, or are very, very hard to take.

 

You're overwhelmed, I get it. And, yes, hard is hard is hard. But this is also your life: 34, with two kids, living with your parents while the mother of your children lives with hers, and the kids. And none of that is working for you.

 

You both have a fantasy of what would work, and in ways you each wield the sword of that fantasy as a weapon to avoid the full reality of the situation. It's time to deal with reality, to make that choice, for you and for your kids. So, again, a lawyer: a lawyer to help you sort out this business of registration, and a lawyer to help you—both of you—created a binding system for custody and parenting since you guys don't have it in you to create that system together.

 

Does all that sound fun? No. This isn't fun. Does it sounds scary and intimidating? Yes. But this is the time to stand up to scary and intimidating, not to shirk from it.

 

Once that is in place, more active steps can be taken. And what is hard becomes less hard. And your children, instead of being raised by two people who are almost hardwired to engage with each other in a somewhat childish manner, will start getting raised by two people shedding those childish instincts.

[Seraphim]

This all sounds like you got used to make babies with . I hate to say that . Personally , I would take her to court and screw her to the wall and go for half custody .

[Seraphim]

When my brother’s ex-wife tried to deny him the kids he told her have my kids outside in five minutes or I’m calling the cops on you .

[MercMan]

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but there is a pattern developing in this thread: various advice gets offered about active steps that can be taken, and in response you explain how those steps can't be taken, or are very, very hard to take.

 

You're overwhelmed, I get it. And, yes, hard is hard is hard. But this is also your life: 34, with two kids, living with your parents while the mother of your children lives with hers, and the kids. And none of that is working for you.

 

You both have a fantasy of what would work, and in ways you each wield the sword of that fantasy as a weapon to avoid the full reality of the situation. It's time to deal with reality, to make that choice, for you and for your kids. So, again, a lawyer: a lawyer to help you sort out this business of registration, and a lawyer to help you—both of you—created a binding system for custody and parenting since you guys don't have it in you to create that system together.

 

Does all that sound fun? No. This isn't fun. Does it sounds scary and intimidating? Yes. But this is the time to stand up to scary and intimidating, not to shirk from it.

 

Once that is in place, more active steps can be taken. And what is hard becomes less hard. And your children, instead of being raised by two people who are almost hardwired to engage with each other in a somewhat childish manner, will start getting raised by two people shedding those childish instincts.

 

Nothing anyone says will be taken in offence - I am looking for perspective and I think that I have got it.

Deep down I think I know what needs to be done - i'm scared of the consiquences and scared of losing my children. I think my mind was already made up in truth, I just didn't want to face up to the truth.

I need straight to the point, hard talking - so thank you.

[MercMan]

This all sounds like you got used to make babies with . I hate to say that . Personally , I would take her to court and screw her to the wall and go for half custody .

 

I can see why you say that - I just think she has had a massive personality change since having babies if I am honest.

Maybe you're right, possibly more so with the second baby - i'm not sure.

[boltnrun]

Nothing anyone says will be taken in offence - I am looking for perspective and I think that I have got it.

Deep down I think I know what needs to be done - i'm scared of the consiquences and scared of losing my children. I think my mind was already made up in truth, I just didn't want to face up to the truth.

I need straight to the point, hard talking - so thank you.

 

You can't "lose" your children unless you are abusive, a criminal or a drug user.

 

Get an attorney and have a custody and support order filed with the court. And have your name legally added as the father of the youngest child. That way you can interact with your children in the way YOU see fit, not the way she and her mom see fit.

[Seraphim]

The courts go by what is best for the children not by what mommy wants . And if the court determines you are good for your children then she has no say in that . She has to produce the kids or face going to jail .

[Wiseman2]

When you get go to court you will have the option and freedom to take the kids to your home/family, which she has no say over. Using the 'saving for a house' excuse is just not working. You are toxic and unfortunately don't belong together.

 

You resent her and see her and the kids as this huge infringement on your freedom, which is why you're still camped out at your parents. You and her family do not get along, you and she do not get along. Stop blaming her for everything, when in fact you want your freedom. The first person to be honest with is yourself. Then the courts.

I only got to see my son later in the evening when her mum wasn't in the room. Yet I must be there all the time to help out. Whenever I have a spare moment, I must be there, sat in the living room waiting to be told off for interacting with my child.

[Tinydance]

I don't have kids or much experience with kids but I do have experience with relationships. To me it sounds like your relationship is really toxic and your fiance is a complete control freak and she's emotionally abusive to you. The thing is that sometimes we may not see certain traits of someone because they only apply to certain situations. It sounds to me like your fiance is very possessive and a control freak over things that are "hers" (in her mind). So money, the children, etc.

 

To be honest it also sounds like she doesn't even want you around and like she may have even been deliberately plotting not to have your name on your second child's birth certificate. It really does sound like she wants the kids all to herself and she has zero respect or concern for your rights as a father. And sorry but it does sound like she may have used you to have kids. It honestly seems like she was acting sweet as pie the first two years to get you interested in having kids and so on. Then after she got the two children, she now has no interest in you. That just seems very suspicious.

 

The way her mother is acting is completely inappropriate. She's disrespecting you as the children's father and fully involving herself in your relationship. Both her and your fiance seem very toxic.

 

Honestly your best course of action is probably to begin the custody battle. You've tried everything else and she doesn't co-operate. Her threatening to stop you from seeing the children is just emotional abuse and blackmail. She can't actually legally stop you from seeing them.

 

You are the biological father. If there is any doubt regarding the second child, you could always get a paternity test for the court. You work, you are a good person. You have plenty of proof from the counselor, your friends, family and colleagues how she has treated you. You can use all this in court. You need to stop being so passive and actually take action. You are allowing her to treat you like a doormat and you need to stand up for yourself.