I'm Struggling

[Wiseman2]

Are you going to therapy for yourself or support groups? Al-Anon would help you tremendously to determine how much of a problem her drinking is and what kinds of disruptions it's causing and how and why you are contributing to that. Sadly you are enabling her on every level. Do not ask her if "things are improving" ask yourself and ask your therapist. Emotionally abusive relationships are just as common in same sex relationships as anywhere else. Read up on that.

 

Therapy would help you to recognize how being the martyr/victim in the relationship does not and will not change anyone. It's passive-aggressive and comes from fear. It will not win you love or respect. Especially from someone like this. In fact being a doormat will encourage her dismissive disrespectful behavior. Stop kissing her butt this much.

-I got up witht he kids Saturday so she could sleep in.

-She got drunk and when we went to bed she offered sex.

-Sunday I did some morning chores

-This morning she got up late and wasn't done getting ready

-so I basically loaded the cars and changed diapers and dressed the kids.

-I told her she looked pretty and she basically ignored more comment.

[WithLove]

You should not have to pander to her this much in order to get attention from her. You are not her maid, you are not her mother, you are not a nanny - you are her wife, and you are her equal in this marriage. You are putting her up on a high level than you because you want attention - stop it! From what I can see so far, you only get attention from her when she's been drinking. Have you noticed this?

[boltnrun]

I've found the more I cater to someone who's not as into the relationship as I am, the worse it gets.

 

I have to assume she doesn't want someone to wait on her hand and foot. That doesn't engender respect OR love.

 

Do what you've always done. Or, if your habit has been to cater to her, dial that back. Again, I doubt she's looking for a servant. Resist the urge to do things for her out of fear of losing her. Behave as an equal and it's more likely you'll be treated as one.

[FullofTears]

Yesterday my spouse sent me a text message that she was craving breakfast for dinner and asked if I wanted to go out for dinner. I agreed. When she got into the car and was using her phone, I noticed she wasn't wearing her wedding and engagement ring again. I didn't say anything but thought I would mention it at bedtime. The entire trip from home to restaurant no ring. Then somehow, there was a ring on her finger. It was like while she was helping the kids she slipped it on. I asked her about it which lead into a weird argument. She claims she was playing with her rings and constantly takes them on and off and dropped them. That makes no sense because she wasn't wearing them in the car.

 

Other than that, she has been more pleasant to be around, not on her phone as much, and actually reached over and took my hand when laying in bed.

 

I am trying to take people's advice and work on me as well. I am trying not to cater to her as much and I am doing well at not using food to deal with the feelings I feel. I am still on my diet and loosing weight. I really hope to loose 10 more pounds before our family vacation.

[Batya33]

I am very, very good with money. When we decided to get married, I developed a business plan to pay for the wedding. We only had about 30 people and it was on a beach. My trick was to open a Marriott's Reward Card with bonus points. Then I prepared the conference room with the card and earned 5 points for each dollar spent. I made enough points to pay for the hotel room which was like 3,000 totally for free.

 

I am ashamed. I feel like my spouse has undergone a rebirth and totally left me behind. I never liked my body and it's so hard to loose weight after 40. It's compounded that I cant get to the gym. I am also ashamed because I have not be a great spouse. Before we had kids she withdrew away from me and ignored me to the point I felt worthless. I remember begging her to just hold me but she had too much to do for school. I was so depressed I sought out attention anywhere I could find it and I ended up cheating. I never told her and I carry that pain but I sometimes thinks she found out and resents me for it. Since that time, I have tried so hard to be the best spouse I can be, but it's a struggle when I dont feel like she loves me. I also dont think she ever considers her contributions to the problem.

 

I have asked about more outgoing things. I have also been trying to pay for more things. She has just been reluctant.

 

I am almost 53 and had my child at 42. It is harder for some to lose weight after 40 but you do not need to get to a gym to lose weight. I do have a workout room in my building but very often I use my feet and the outdoors to get my exercise in. As a mom especially when he was younger I had little time to work out and had been regularly exercising since 1982 including at gyms. But with very little time I had no time to add in commuting time to a gym and I had to work it in when my husband was around if I couldn't take my child out in the jogging stroller because of weather.

 

So, what I did was committed to 30-35 minutes of cardio per day -every single day. I skip one day a year because of a religious obligation and I skip if I am very sick or doctor's orders not to work out. I can do 30-35 minutes. I have my workout clothes ready (typically first thing in the morning) and my water bottle ready and sneakers by the door, (yes I splurge on great sneakers especially since I'm older to help prevent injuries/soreness) earbuds in my purse. No excuses. I then either do the treadmill or a power walk. I do try to do some 'strength" training by moving my arms but, no, often it is only cardio. I try to work in strength to my daily living -like housecleaning (yes scrubbing floors counts I think). I've been doing this particular routine for 8 years. Before that I did 5 times a week. If all else fails -meaning husband is traveling, son is home from school and no child care - I have a workout DVD that cost about $15 and comes with an exercise band - Leslie Sansome. I do one of her walk at home workouts for 30-35 minutes in my living room. When my son was a toddler I put him in the playpen (yes he loved it in there) and later I bribed him as needed lol. I do her workout with a lot more intensity because it's only for 30-35 minutes. I get a great workout.

 

I have not been overweight since I was pregnant (if that counts) and never before that other than for about 6 months when I was in my 20s and on a hellacious birth control pill. You can do this too - even if it's just 20 minutes commit to daily exercise or at least 5 times a week. You will feel better about yourself mentally too even if you don't lose any weight. And it will motivate you to drink more and eat more healthful foods.

 

I know that kids change a marriage. We became parents three months after getting married. And I relocated for the first time in 43 years, was unemployed and/or not a grad student for the first time in 20 years or so. Lots of changes. Yes, sex becomes less spontaneous, yes there can be bickering or arguments about parenting made worse by sleep deprivation. I get it. The exercise will do wonders and is a great step in the right direction. Feel free to PM me if you like. All the best.

[FullofTears]

I am almost 53 and had my child at 42. It is harder for some to lose weight after 40 but you do not need to get to a gym to lose weight. I do have a workout room in my building but very often I use my feet and the outdoors to get my exercise in. As a mom especially when he was younger I had little time to work out and had been regularly exercising since 1982 including at gyms. But with very little time I had no time to add in commuting time to a gym and I had to work it in when my husband was around if I couldn't take my child out in the jogging stroller because of weather.

 

So, what I did was committed to 30-35 minutes of cardio per day -every single day. I skip one day a year because of a religious obligation and I skip if I am very sick or doctor's orders not to work out. I can do 30-35 minutes. I have my workout clothes ready (typically first thing in the morning) and my water bottle ready and sneakers by the door, (yes I splurge on great sneakers especially since I'm older to help prevent injuries/soreness) earbuds in my purse. No excuses. I then either do the treadmill or a power walk. I do try to do some 'strength" training by moving my arms but, no, often it is only cardio. I try to work in strength to my daily living -like housecleaning (yes scrubbing floors counts I think). I've been doing this particular routine for 8 years. Before that I did 5 times a week. If all else fails -meaning husband is traveling, son is home from school and no child care - I have a workout DVD that cost about $15 and comes with an exercise band - Leslie Sansome. I do one of her walk at home workouts for 30-35 minutes in my living room. When my son was a toddler I put him in the playpen (yes he loved it in there) and later I bribed him as needed lol. I do her workout with a lot more intensity because it's only for 30-35 minutes. I get a great workout.

 

I have not been overweight since I was pregnant (if that counts) and never before that other than for about 6 months when I was in my 20s and on a hellacious birth control pill. You can do this too - even if it's just 20 minutes commit to daily exercise or at least 5 times a week. You will feel better about yourself mentally too even if you don't lose any weight. And it will motivate you to drink more and eat more healthful foods.

 

I know that kids change a marriage. We became parents three months after getting married. And I relocated for the first time in 43 years, was unemployed and/or not a grad student for the first time in 20 years or so. Lots of changes. Yes, sex becomes less spontaneous, yes there can be bickering or arguments about parenting made worse by sleep deprivation. I get it. The exercise will do wonders and is a great step in the right direction. Feel free to PM me if you like. All the best.

 

Thank you for the encouraging words. I always have struggle with my weight but at some point I took up triathlon and lost tons of weight. I was still big and tall, but I was all muscle. At some point I was spending 13 hours a week working out. After kids, it just became impossible. I have been considering getting back on my bike in the evenings, but I hate working out before bed. My other option is trying to get up early which might work because I'm sometimes too stressed to sleep past 5am. I will try and give myself 30 minutes of cardio and let you know how it goes.

[Wiseman2]

The problem is not your weight, it's your relationship and the lack of communication.

I always have struggle with my weight

[Batya33]

Thank you for the encouraging words. I always have struggle with my weight but at some point I took up triathlon and lost tons of weight. I was still big and tall, but I was all muscle. At some point I was spending 13 hours a week working out. After kids, it just became impossible. I have been considering getting back on my bike in the evenings, but I hate working out before bed. My other option is trying to get up early which might work because I'm sometimes too stressed to sleep past 5am. I will try and give myself 30 minutes of cardio and let you know how it goes.

 

I don't suggest trying. I suggest doing it. I suggest making the plans in advance so you can just do it -no excuses. No need to be all or nothing as in -if i'm not training for /doing triathlons it's not worth it. Set your alarm for 5 if that's how early it needs to be to get the work out in and be diligent about going to bed at a reasonable hour at night. You can do this.

[FullofTears]

Update.

 

My spouse seem to be doing more things to help me around the house. When she beats me home, she isn't just sitting on the couch on her phone, sometimes she is cooking dinner or cleaning. I have been making every effort to tell her "thank you" when she helps out. If she does a chore I normally do I tell her I appreciate it. She has been wearing her wedding ring again, but there isn't much physical intimacy since when we had sex on 8/9/19. This weekend she rubbed her leg up against mine which I first thought was he trying to be comfortable, but then I think it was her form of touch. There really isn't anything else between us except I tried for 10 days to touch her in ways that she enjoys and not ask for sex. It's still all one sided. I also noticed she stopped shaving her pubic hair. This really makes me wonder if she did it for someone else and she had sex with someone.

 

She has been going to counseling though she hasn't told me she has been. After the session last week, she suggested I reconnect with some friends and make plans to go out. I'm not sure what motivated it except she has been making lots of plans with friends. She is going out with friends Friday and leaving me home with the kids.

 

I still don't know where this relationship is going and what she is doing. There really isn't any major signs that she loves me.