Friend that talks smack about her significant other...

[Cherylyn]

I have a best friend who complains a lot about her mother, brothers, son, sometimes husband and friends whom I do not know. I just listen and support her. Sometimes people need to vent and need a good listener because those closest to them don't wish to hear them anymore. I listen, offer my kind words of moral support and she listens to my gripes, too. It works both ways. I can relate to many of her complaints which helps. We both encourage each other. Sometimes having a spouse or significant other isn't enough. We need girlfriend time.

 

If you are growing weary of giving her moral support and listening to her incessant whining, then I agree with others, divert the conversation, change the subject, distract her and the like.

[ThatwasThen]

Continuing to let someone "vent" about the same thing over and over again when they do nothing to change their lot is enabling them to never have to change their lot. Just listening while a friend vents initially is being a good friend. Continuing to do it while they do nothing is enabling them in their codependency.

[abitbroken]

Continuing to let someone "vent" about the same thing over and over again when they do nothing to change their lot is enabling them to never have to change their lot. Just listening while a friend vents initially is being a good friend. Continuing to do it while they do nothing is enabling them in their codependency.

 

exactly. Honestly, when you show you are no longer an audience for it, it gives the other person pause. You did something different and it may make them think . If you just sit there and play therapist, they are getting what they want.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Thank you all.

 

Rose Mosse- I’m not sure how you are proposing to know I’m not a good friend to my friend. I’m also not trash talking her. I’m coming to an anonymous forum to ask people what they think because I want to be a great friend without enabling negative behavior. Your comments are puzzling to me.

[Rose Mosse]

Maybe she says those things because everyone gets excited about them. She gets a reaction out of all of you. I don't know how things work with your friends but if someone I know well says disparaging things about their husband/boyfriend or family, I'd probably ask a few questions and the problem is out in the open and we can talk frankly about what the matter is. I wouldn't be wondering why that person is so negative without knowing or wanting to know the full picture. What comes across as trash talking to me is you have never met this man but are giving him the benefit of the doubt over the negative things your friend is saying about him. I find this odd.

 

Either what she's saying is a cry for help (she really does need someone to listen and help her get through a rough patch) or she senses she's more likely to get a reaction from all of you if she continues doing so (superficial reasons). And she's getting that reaction, isn't she? I'd say limit your time with her if you feel what she has to say isn't worth saying at all (because by catagorizing her thoughts or words as "trash talking" or "talks smack" it does minimize the value of her thoughts and words). I don't feel a friend who is a friend would do that in the first place. I'm basically saying you're not taking her seriously so 1) she really is NOT a friend to you or 2) she's an attention seeker. There really is no reason for all this if you are friends.

 

I hope it clears up soon either way. There was no offense meant by my earlier post. We all have different ideas about what friendships mean.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Maybe she says those things because everyone gets excited about them. She gets a reaction out of all of you. I don't know how things work with your friends but if someone I know well says disparaging things about their husband/boyfriend or family, I'd probably ask a few questions and the problem is out in the open and we can talk frankly about what the matter is. I wouldn't be wondering why that person is so negative without knowing or wanting to know the full picture. What comes across as trash talking to me is you have never met this man but are giving him the benefit of the doubt over the negative things your friend is saying about him. I find this odd.

 

Either what she's saying is a cry for help (she really does need someone to listen and help her get through a rough patch) or she senses she's more likely to get a reaction from all of you if she continues doing so (superficial reasons). And she's getting that reaction, isn't she? I'd say limit your time with her if you feel what she has to say isn't worth saying at all (because by catagorizing her thoughts or words as "trash talking" or "talks smack" it does minimize the value of her thoughts and words). I don't feel a friend who is a friend would do that in the first place. I'm basically saying you're not taking her seriously so 1) she really is NOT a friend to you or 2) she's an attention seeker. There really is no reason for all this if you are friends.

 

I hope it clears up soon either way. There was no offense meant by my earlier post. We all have different ideas about what friendships mean.

 

No worries, Rose Mosse. She is an attention seeker but here is what it is... she has given up on a healthy relationship and her past relationships have been a little crazy. Very unhealthy and this man is really insecure but much healthier in many ways than the people she has dated before. Therefore, it’s not “bad enough” to leave but bad enough to not be good. I will just have a heart to heart with her about it.

[Nebraskagirl14]

I’m going through a similar situation the only thing is my boyfriend broke up with me m. I wish I would’ve never spoke on our problems to anyone

 

I’m sorry, Twelve!! That is really too bad but people do look to talk to others about their problems. Wouldn’t it be great if it could all just be private???

[Rose Mosse]

No worries, Rose Mosse. She is an attention seeker but here is what it is... she has given up on a healthy relationship and her past relationships have been a little crazy. Very unhealthy and this man is really insecure but much healthier in many ways than the people she has dated before. Therefore, it’s not “bad enough” to leave but bad enough to not be good. I will just have a heart to heart with her about it.

 

This sounds so down to earth and a good plan. I see what you mean now about the guy. Sometimes things are always a lot clearer from the outside? She will probably really appreciate the honesty coming from a friend and might feel motivated to feel better about herself and feel good about all the blessings she does have in her life. I think only good things can come out of a heart to heart especially between friends. Hope she feels better soon and you too out of all of this.

[Nebraskagirl14]

This sounds so down to earth and a good plan. I see what you mean now about the guy. Sometimes things are always a lot clearer from the outside? She will probably really appreciate the honesty coming from a friend and might feel motivated to feel better about herself and feel good about all the blessings she does have in her life. I think only good things can come out of a heart to heart especially between friends. Hope she feels better soon and you too out of all of this.

 

Thanks, Rose! [emoji4]Yeah, I think it will all work out! She trusts my honesty. I just haven’t wanted to go there in full because when I am honest, I’m very honest. I appreciate your replies!

[Nebraskagirl14]

I have a best friend who complains a lot about her mother, brothers, son, sometimes husband and friends whom I do not know. I just listen and support her. Sometimes people need to vent and need a good listener because those closest to them don't wish to hear them anymore. I listen, offer my kind words of moral support and she listens to my gripes, too. It works both ways. I can relate to many of her complaints which helps. We both encourage each other. Sometimes having a spouse or significant other isn't enough. We need girlfriend time.

 

If you are growing weary of giving her moral support and listening to her incessant whining, then I agree with others, divert the conversation, change the subject, distract her and the like.

 

Thanks, Cherylyn! Yes, girlfriend time is super important. We have to be able to talk to friends about our relationships. What has made me feel weird about it is the meanness. I endeavor to never be mean if I can help it but this friend can be downright cruel at times.

[catfeeder]

First, I just want to offer a shout to your beautiful pic, NBG. Your smile is radiant!

 

Thanks, Cherylyn! Yes, girlfriend time is super important. We have to be able to talk to friends about our relationships. What has made me feel weird about it is the meanness. I endeavor to never be mean if I can help it but this friend can be downright cruel at times.

 

You make a great point here that I'd make directly to friend. "HerName, I've always credited you with a generosity of spirit that I value and admire. It pains me to hear you lapsing into cruelty toward someone you presumably love. What do you hope to accomplish by this, and how can I help?"

[Nebraskagirl14]

First, I just want to offer a shout to your beautiful pic, NBG. Your smile is radiant!

 

 

 

You make a great point here that I'd make directly to friend. "HerName, I've always credited you with a generosity of spirit that I value and admire. It pains me to hear you lapsing into cruelty toward someone you presumably love. What do you hope to accomplish by this, and how can I help?"

 

Awww, thank you, Catfeeder! How sweet you are! And thank you, as always, for chiming in! That’s a very loving way to go about it and definitely more my style. My friend knows that I love her and want the best for her and she also knows that I’m not a mean-spirited person and don’t want to sit and talk badly about people. I appreciate your kind words!!

[Batya33]

I too love your photo and smile - it really caught my attention -great positive energy!! And I agree with Catfeeder on the rest.

[Nebraskagirl14]

I too love your photo and smile - it really caught my attention -great positive energy!! And I agree with Catfeeder on the rest.

 

Thank you so much, Batya!! You both are very sweet and always give great advice! [emoji4]

[Batya33]

Thank you so much, Batya!! You both are very sweet and always give great advice! [emoji4]

 

Thanks and I wanted to add based on what I read above -I had at least one situation where a friend talked badly about her SO all the time and later ended things with me as a friend once he proposed because she knew I must have a bad impression of him and his loyalty to her -not because I actually said anything. So, beware.....

[Nebraskagirl14]

Thanks and I wanted to add based on what I read above -I had at least one situation where a friend talked badly about her SO all the time and later ended things with me as a friend once he proposed because she knew I must have a bad impression of him and his loyalty to her -not because I actually said anything. So, beware.....

 

Oh, that is really interesting! Thank you for that anecdote!! That is too bad. I have to wonder how their marriage is!