Boyfriend’s Urges

[katrina1980]

He isn't taking her by surprise though, hes telling her, in the safety of their relationship what he fantasizes about.

 

Her prerogative to not be comfortable with it, but judging him as a criminal, when he felt safe enough in their personal space to share a fantasy..if it were me. I'd be devastated.

 

People like to get peed on, there are people who like to get peed on, people who like to sniff dirty socks, thats their thing.

 

We are sexual beings, not all of our sex is missionary.

 

He committed no crime.

 

I agree with this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him sharing a fantasy.

 

What I am confused about is why the OP assumed that him sharing a fantasy automatically translated to him wanting to act it out!

 

OP, did he tell you he wanted to act it out, and asked you if you were up for it?

 

Or, was he simply sharing a fantasy?

 

Good lordy, you would not believe some of the fantasies my bf and I have shared. After discussing further, some we've acted out out of curiosity, but others not and kept them as fantasies!

 

Fantasies are healthy, I agree with FIO he has done nothing wrong, bad or deviant by simply sharing it with you.

 

My boyfriend revealed to me yesterday during a very late-night conversation that he has a “rape/control fetish,” and that he had a fantasy of breaking into my house wearing all black and proceeding to hold me down and have sex with me while I struggled against him and told him no.

 

Why do you feel you have to tell him anything? Yes or no?

 

Unless he told you he wanted to act it out, there is nothing to agree to or be afraid of; he was simply sharing a fantasy, which imo is quite tame (and fairly common) compared to some of the fantasies my bf and I have shared.

 

Not acted out, just shared.

[katrina1980]

 

...pretending to pick each other up as strangers in a bar

 

LOL, my bf and I do this a lot, it's really fun! My ex and I did too.

 

I was the one who proposed it, it's hardly a fantasy though.

 

Just something playful to do to keep the element of fun in our relationship.

[katrina1980]

And to add.

 

If you trust your boyfriend, I don't see any reason why you should be afraid he is going to sneak into your home one night without your knowledge and act out this fantasy. That is such an over-reaction in my opinion. It was a fantasy!

 

On the other hand, if you don't trust him, and are truly fearful of this happening, then that's another issue altogether, and if that's the case, perhaps you should re-think the relationship in general.

[SherrySher]

Just to chime in, I think many fantasies that couples talk about, are normal. Such as pretending to be strangers and pick one another up in a bar.

 

Rape fantasies are not the norm, and OP has a right to be concerned, it could spell out something more than just a fantasy. It might not, however it definitely is something to think about and watch out for.

 

What if he did turn out to be a rapist? What if he was actually dangerous or had dangerous urges?

 

These are things to question. I think anyone who was cautious, would.

[katrina1980]

I have a question for y'all.

 

What if a man were here posting about his gf telling him she had this fantasy -- about him breaking into her home, restraining her, and raping her.

 

I don't have that particular fantasy, but many women do! Far more than you might think. Every day "normal" women with good jobs, good friends and family.

 

In fact, rape fantasies are one of the more common fantasies women have and quite harmess, unless of course acted out, without both parties' consent.

 

Would you advise the boyfriiend to be wary, be cautious, she's damaged and to break up with her?

 

Just curious.

[ThatwasThen]

I have a question for y'all.

 

What if a man were here posting about his gf telling him she had this fantasy -- about him breaking into her home, restraining her, and raping her.

 

I don't have that particular fantasy, but many women do! Far more than you might think. Every day "normal" women with good jobs, good friends and family.

 

In fact, rape fantasies are one of the more common fantasies women have and quite harmess, unless of course acted out, without both parties' consent.

Would you advise the boyfriiend to be wary, be cautious, she's damaged and to break up with her?

 

Just curious.

 

No, I would caution him to get it in writing that she is in full consent and has agreed to all the rules and stipulations as outlined in the contents above... I'd tell him to have her sign it and date it.

 

I would advise him that he wouldn't want a scorned ex g/f (should they break up or for some sort of revenge) have him charged with B&E and Rape.

 

Grey, from 50 Shades of Grey had it down pat.

[ThatwasThen]

I think it scared her because at first she was in agreement to it but then after thinking about it, it scared her. No where does she say that she thought he would actually do it without her permission. I believe what scared her is the fact that he is usually so gentle with her during love making. If he truly isn't actually that way then he's bait and switched on her.

 

Op needs to come back in and elaborate. I'm sure she's creeping her own thread.

[figureitout23]

Just to chime in, I think many fantasies that couples talk about, are normal. Such as pretending to be strangers and pick one another up in a bar.

 

Rape fantasies are not the norm, and OP has a right to be concerned, it could spell out something more than just a fantasy. It might not, however it definitely is something to think about and watch out for.

 

What if he did turn out to be a rapist? What if he was actually dangerous or had dangerous urges?

 

These are things to question. I think anyone who was cautious, would.

 

Exactly what norm are we basing this on?

 

I know more people with control, dom/submissive, best selling novels, fantasies, than I do of picking up your partner like your strangers, not saying either are abnormal, just saying I think people are putting their tastes and personal morals in, rather than reality, which isn’t so pretty and sunny.

[figureitout23]

I think it scared her because at first she was in agreement to it but then after thinking about it, it scared her. No where does she say that she thought he would actually do it without her permission. I believe what scared her is the fact that he is usually so gentle with her during love making. If he truly isn't actually that way then he's bait and switched on her.

 

Op needs to come back in and elaborate. I'm sure she's creeping her own thread.

 

I can see how you reached that conclusion.

 

For me, reading between the lines, her fear of him leaving her, I got the vibe she’s wrapping her self esteem into all this.

 

I think they started playing with dom/sub a bit and she was ok but when he introduced this breaking and entering again low self esteem personalizing all this she got her fragile feelings hurt and thought if he loved me he wouldn’t want to be rough!!!! I think she’s a young girl who talks the talk but couldn’t quite walk the walk, which is ok!

 

That’s what I think is happening, but like you said until she comes back, doubt she will, it’s all speculation.

[figureitout23]

Oh crap, I should add, ironically, the dom/sub community hated 50 shade because they considered Christian abusive!

 

Swear, google it. He didn’t have it down, the fiction got it all wrong. Still piqued the interest of millions, but many in the real community say it was false.

[katrina1980]

 

No, I would caution him to get it in writing that she is in full consent and has agreed to all the rules and stipulations as outlined in the contents above... I'd tell him to have her sign it and date it.

I would advise him that he wouldn't want a scorned ex g/f (should they break up or for some sort of revenge) have him charged with B&E and Rape.

 

Grey, from 50 Shades of Grey had it down pat.

 

Full consent to what T.

 

It was a fantasy, not something she was actually asking him to engage in.

 

My bf and I share many fantasies that we have no intention of acting on. So do many couples..

 

That is what is confusing me about this thread.

 

Guy shared a fantasy with her, in the safety of their relationship.

 

Never said he wanted OP to act on it, at least I didn't read where he did.

 

Sad day when a couple can't discuss their fantasies with each other lest the other person become afraid their partner will act on it without their consent.

 

If that is what's happening, it's no longer a fantasy but a desire his/her partner wishes to fulfill. Big difference imo.

 

In which case, partner can say yes or no.

[katrina1980]

Oh crap, I should add, ironically, the dom/sub community hated 50 shade because they considered Christian abusive!

 

Swear, google it. He didn’t have it down, the fiction got it all wrong. Still piqued the interest of millions, but many in the real community say it was false.

 

This is very true.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't think it really matters what the dom/sub community thought. I'd still caution the guy to get it in writing that she was in complete consent if they were going to go through with acting out the woman's fantasy... and I'd caution him to get it in writing. Whether or not Grey was abusive wasn't the point. The point was in response to Katrina's question.

 

Hope the bolded clears up my answer to your question.

 

Op: Are you afraid that your boyfriend is going to ask you if he can act out his fantasy? Is that what has you running scared?

[katrina1980]

I don't think it really matters what the dom/sub community thought. I'd still caution the guy to get it in writing that she was in complete consent and I'd caution him to get it in writing. Whether or not Grey was abusive wasn't the point. The point was in response to Katrina's question.

 

Again I ask T, consent to what? It was a fantasy not a desire he/she wishes their partner to fulfill.

 

What am I missing?

 

Definition of Fantasy: The faculty or activity of "imagining" something especially something that in all probability won't ever happen.

[ThatwasThen]

Please read previous post... I have explained it further in that IF they were to go ahead with acting out the woman's fantasy then I would caution him to get it in writing.

[katrina1980]

Please read previous post... I have explained it further in that IF they were to go ahead with acting out the woman's fantasy then I would caution him to get it in writing.

 

Okay but the subject of this thread was OP's boyfriend's "fantasy" - not quite sure how it evolved into this being an actual desire of his to act it out.

 

And then suggestions to get his/her consent in writing as if to suggest a fantasy and an actual desire to act it out are the same thing, which they are not.

 

That said, thanks for clarifying T.

[ThatwasThen]

Okay but the subject of this thread was OP's boyfriend's "fantasy" - not quite sure how it evolved into this being an actual desire of his to act it out.

 

And then suggestions to get his/her consent in writing as if to suggest a fantasy and an actual desire to act it out are the same thing.

 

It's not.

No, of course its not. I still think the Op is afraid he wants her to let him act it out though. Still waiting to hear from her.

[katrina1980]

No, of course its not. I still think the Op is afraid he wants her to let him act it out though. Still waiting to hear from her.

 

Yeah me too! OP, you still around?

 

If so, wondering if there is more to this, reasons why you are afraid this is an actual desire of his to act out this fantasy with you.

 

Do you trust him?

[boltnrun]

OP seems to be long gone.

[valdizon9]

Hey! OP here. I didn’t expect so many people to be interested in this. It was late at night and I had a change of heart about it, but we’ve already talked it out and I feel safe and okay! I was just very confused and it’s not like I thought he was actually going to do anything, it was just a bit concerning that he was thinking it. If this website allowed me to delete this post I would, I was in a stupid, tired haze and needed to vent and ask for advice in the wee hours of the morning. Nowhere did I accuse him of being a rapist, please stop saying that I did! And by that sort of thing I mean dominance and control, but not rape. I’m sorry to those I offended, I genuinely just wanted advice. Thank you to those who genuinely gave me some instead of making me seem like some sort of vengeful person out to get my boyfriend. I love him very much and would never do that. I was just a bit scared and wanted advice. I will not be using this platform again. Thank you!

[saluk]

Hey! OP here. I didn’t expect so many people to be interested in this. It was late at night and I had a change of heart about it, but we’ve already talked it out and I feel safe and okay! I was just very confused and it’s not like I thought he was actually going to do anything, it was just a bit concerning that he was thinking it. If this website allowed me to delete this post I would, I was in a stupid, tired haze and needed to vent and ask for advice in the wee hours of the morning. Nowhere did I accuse him of being a rapist, please stop saying that I did! And by that sort of thing I mean dominance and control, but not rape. I’m sorry to those I offended, I genuinely just wanted advice. Thank you to those who genuinely gave me some instead of making me seem like some sort of vengeful person out to get my boyfriend. I love him very much and would never do that. I was just a bit scared and wanted advice. I will not be using this platform again. Thank you!

 

You got some good replies and sparked discussion and probably gave some posters things to think about. That's all positive - not sure why you want to delete your post or not use this forum again. You shouldn't feel stupid for asking for help or being scared. It's OK to be scared and it's OK to ask for help.

 

It sounds like you talked things through and are in a better place, which is good to hear.

[Honeycomb8]

Lol I think this fantasy is quite common for guys. It's not a big deal hehehe.