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Life in the Driver’s Seat (extended)


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One of my other cats is looking for “daddy”. 
 

One of my daycare littles who is 7 her mom said she is distraught when she told her Shay Shay had to be put to sleep . She had a real bond with him. 
 

I feel totally numb today but went through with having daycare open. I probably should have re opened Monday. 
 

My dr’s appointment is at 4PM with my doctor. My blood pressure has come down a lot but not enough for a diabetic person . 130/95 this morning . 

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That makes total sense. I have been an insomniac since being continually raped at 13 . I would be awoken being raped so to this day I don’t sleep well. 

Right now I am making a full length cape so this will take some time. 

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I talked with my doctor and he said if I get to 160 and above and above 100 and especially above 110 to take another half of my Norvasc and head to the hospital. He said that’s absolutely an emergency. So for now I have to monitor closely my blood pressure and if it stays up consistently to call him back. But if it’s just fluctuating and some of the numbers are good it’s not terrible. He thinks eventually I will go back down and if I don’t he can increase my dose a bit. 

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I ordered a new blood  pressure cuff because I think mine is a bit screwy after about five years. I should get it tomorrow. 

I spent the day cleaning and getting ready for tomorrow. 

I still miss my sweetie cat so bad. 💔

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5 hours ago, luminousone said:

After mine passed away, I kept thinking she was in the other room or around the corner or in the hallway. And then I would remember...

The same thing happened to me when I was a little kid. After my first dog died, I thought I saw her lying under the kitchen table a couple of times. It was a heavy antique oak table with a stout pedestal. I'd get this little leap of hope, and then realize I was just seeing part of the curvy, carved feet that supported the base of the pedestal. 

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So my new blood pressure machine arrived today. The readings are not vacillating wildly like my other one and they are well below the danger range. So I am pretty much guessing my other machine was broken. 
 

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My six day headache has gone away. And my blood pressure has stabilized. As we know we always throw out the first measurement. And take another two a few minutes apart. It is about 121/77. 
 

I think a lot of the stress was caring for my poor sick cat. He spent a lot of time in my room because the other one picked on him because he was sick. And while I was home on my own that was OK.  I could keep an eye on my little cat and he spent a lot of time down here because I had a chance to keep an eye on him without my husband here. But my husband is always up and down and up and down and in and out of the room and leave the door open and then close the door with the other cats in there with him and up and down and up and down. Due with his ADHD he can’t stay still at all. And my cat would get beat up because he would leave the door open or lock the other cats in the room with him and the same thing would happen in the middle of the night and I was awake in the middle of the night to my cat being massacred. And there’s no way you can train my husband to watch for the cats. Been doing it for 30 years can’t be done. So while I think I would’ve been able to care for my sick cat being alone even doing his insulin and what not with my husband it’s just not possible. So underneath I have been pretty angry that I had to put down my cat. I miss him so terribly much. At the same time it is a lot of stress that’s gone. 
 

I find I’m kind of numb right now to my other cats and I can’t seem to connect with them. I love them but I don’t want to be with them if I don’t know anybody can understand that. I just want my sweet boy back. I did connect with them before his dying so I’m sure I will again so that’s not really an issue I just want my sweet sweet boy. He was the one I connected with the most. 

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My husband is stuck at home doing his course. It has been a living hell he’s up there right now crashing and bashing and slamming drawers and moving chairs I swear if he wakes up my Daycare littles I’m killing him. 

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I wonder if it will come to the fact that I have to message his CO over Facebook and say get him out of here or you won’t have a TDO. I will bury him in the yard if you don’t get him to work. ( yes of course I’m joking) but this is so frustrating I don’t know what to do. 

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So I asked my husband why there was pounding on the ceiling while the kids were sleeping. And he said well ,I was pounding my feet up and down while on my conference. I just had to move my legs. 
 

I said but the daycare kids are sleeping. He said well sorry I just can’t help it. I said that’s why you should’ve told your boss you can’t do your work here. And he said well there’s nothing they can do because there’s the stay at home order. I said well then you’re just gonna have to find a way to keep your feet still because sorry I’m trying to run a business here and I’m afraid you’d be a little more ticked off if there was no money. It’s not just the world according to you. 

 

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“Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I’ve walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, and above.” ~~Gia Carangi

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Are these photos of you, Seraphim? Very pretty!

I remember the movie, Gia. Angelina Jolie played her. It was a good movie, particularly interesting because of the portrayal of Gia herself. She was so different than typical oversexualized (although she was very sexual) female main characters in movies. That's the first time I learned about Gia, and she's stood out to me since then.

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Yes, that is me at 15 in the top picture and my early 20’s in the bottom one . 
 

I loved that movie. She was so controversial for her time and I think even now. The blonde in the little clip above was her make up artist and girlfriend,  Sandy. Gia was lesbian although that was never talked about in the 70’s and 80’s. And of course HIV was brand new and no one knew much about it. 

 

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Yes, that was another surprising thing about the movie, because even when that movie came out being gay still had a "gray" social status. I thought it was going to be the typical story of "you sleep around too much, you get AIDS" but it was different. Since she was mainly a lesbian, the idea was that she got it through her heroin addiction. 

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FFFFAAAACCCKK what a way to start the morning... my tea went flying all over my Apple Watch and my new headphones, my old IPhone and some important papers from my son’s testing as a kid. 😩😩😩😡😡😡😡🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

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Our lifestyle is just such misery right now. We were supposed to find out where we were moving to in November then it was January and now he was told they will tell us in March. 🤬🤬🤬🤬 I seriously started yelling.  I am just done. 
 

He went in to work today halfway through the day. The stay at home order is getting to everybody. He is trying to do his course ,me trying to run a business in a  house the size of a postage stamp. 

I can’t go into any building now other than my own home without feeling like I’m going to pass out. my poor son said he would go into the grocery store for me. Shields are no longer acceptable here so he actually had to put on a mask which he hates above anything. The last time he was at the store he was told his shield was unacceptable and he couldn’t enter and he had a total fit. So the fact he had the bravery to even go back put on a mask and go into that store I really had to give him accolades for that. I am seriously going to need some mental health care when this is over. 
 

Business is fast turning into a disaster. I have two moms who are teachers who are both pregnant and both due in March. of course their kids are going to go part time. so now I have to find two more clients. and of course teacher moms take the entire summer off and they don’t bring their kids. Anybody I take from now on will never be a teacher.

 

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