Boyfriend just had a bit of a wobble...

[marshmallow107]

I'm of mixed minds here.

 

On one level, it sounds like you guys have something great and still promising. Aside from the obvious connection points—having a good time together, laughing, bonding, rolling around—you've been able to communicate about feelings in a way that is calm. Sharing and listening. Vulnerability. Sweet stuff.

 

On the other, it sounds like a lot of that "openness" as been about his ex. Talking about pasts is normal, of course, but there's a fine line between telling someone where you've been and using a new relationship as a mode of therapy to process where you've been. The former isn't really so deep, because the wounds are healed, more facts being shared than feelings being flung; the latter can feel very deep, and seductively vulnerable, but the risk is you're making fragility, rather than strength, a bonding point, and in the process building a foundation on pain. A lot of "ex talk" early on, for me, just triggers an automatic emotional divestment; I wasn't always like that.

 

New romance invariably stirs deep waters. I'm sure, for instance, that my girlfriend has had some thoughts and feelings, and will continue to have them, about her marriage since being with me—that being with me, feeling whatever she feels with me and for me, stirs them. But I'm "sure" of that not because she talks to me at length about how "intense" and "overwhelming" it is, but because that's kind of life, humanity. Falling for someone makes you reflect on that stuff, on past falls, past pain. The hope is that they surface as soft little jabs, easy enough to process, rather than sudden blows that destabilize.

 

In your shoes, what I'd do is just slow things down a bit. Not in some aggressive way, and not through countless "talks," but just sort of accepting that this new information means pressing pause on the pace of emotional investment and observing for a bit. But make that your pace—not you going along with his pace—since there is power and security in that. Active vs. passive, compassionate (to yourself, him, and reality) rather than being confused.

 

Let him process this stuff without being the go-to sounding board, without needing to have a "vulnerable ex talk" twice a week. That's a skill, and it's a good one to have. It's an illusion, after all, that two people are feeling the same things at the exact same time; the intoxication of the honeymoon stage is that it feels that way, of course, and it's always a record scratch when that myth is exposed, when a "wobble" comes along.

 

But just as there is beauty in connection, there's real beauty in being able to respect moments of disconnection without getting too thrown. That's real vulnerability, the beginning of it. It's a reminder that you two are not "one thing," but two separate things engaged in a kind of dance and still very much learning if you can be good dance partners. A good dance isn't just two bodies pressed together stepping in the same direction, yummy as that feels, but a flow—being able to step forward and back, being able to stand still as another steps back or forward, and so on. This is a moment for you to stand still.

 

Odd as it may sound, whenever I've had a moments like this—the early wobble of another person—I find great comfort in reminding myself that I will be okay if it doesn't work out. I was fine and alive before I met them, and will be fine and alive if I lose them. That's not coldness or a steel heart, but an ability to shore up your own emotional security rather than wait for another to plug the hole. I find it actually allows me to stay present, and genuinely open, rather than getting skittish and reactive and increasingly insecure.

 

I think it's a good sign that being open brought out more calm and affection in him. Hopefully this was just a little jab, you know, rather than a dynamic. Time will let you know the answer to that, so just be a little still and let time do its thing.

 

I keep reading this and wanted to say thanks bluecastle. There is a lot I can relate to here x

[MissCanuck]

he’s been worried that recently I’ve overtaken him with where we are in our relationship and that although he does see a future with me, he just wants to concentrate on the present for now.

 

Why is he worried about this? Meaning, have you said or done something that suggested you were more invested? Do you two talk about the future, or? I am curious what triggered this.

 

If I were you, I would also like to know what he wants to do from here. Yes, his feelings are out in the open now. So, what does that mean for your relationship? Does he want to dial back on contact? See each other less? Not make any plans for future dates for a little while? Perhaps he didn't get that specific, of course, but I would be puzzled as to how he envisions things changing to accommodate his concerns. I ask because we often read here about people whose partners worry that their relationships are moving too quickly, but without any concrete idea of how to rectify that.

 

It's good that he was honest. It's couldn't have been easy to admit he's having doubts. But I would tread cautiously and observe now. Get a sense of whether he really is capable of having a committed relationship at this time, or if prefers to revert to a more casual arrangement. Then, decide for yourself if this is what you want. It sounds to me like he is still processing the end of his marriage and might not be ready for anything very serious for a while.

[katrina1980]

Also my concern. He basically led a single life alongside his ex for a very long time. It’s been different with us. Perhaps something he’s not been used to

 

I agree with Miss Canuck's last post; and re the above quote, I would pay close attention to this.

 

Sounds very much like he's used to having a certain amount of emotional distance in his relationships, at least in his marriage, and may feel more comfortable with that.

 

So here you come along, and as much as he enjoys the new connection, try as he might, it's simply too "close" for him, he's not comfortable with it.

 

This is what I think he was trying to tell you.

 

So now it's up to you. How comfortable are you with a bit of distance? We're not talking short term here, this is his nature, and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

I myself, need a certain amount of distance in my relationships, my bf does as well, so we match, we're a good fit.

 

It's about being on the same page, and space issues (how much is too much, how little to too little) is always a hot button.

 

If me, I would dial it back. And stop talking about it. Talking gets old, simply change your mind frame if you think he's worth it.

 

Do your own thing more, make your own plans. Introduce a bit of wonder into the equation, let him miss you! And you miss him!

 

I have been with my bf going on 1.5 years, and we still do this and probably always will.

 

Might not be another couple's style but it's ours and works for us.

 

Just makes sure it works for you, and you're just not "going along" because it's what your bf needs, that's important.

[marshmallow107]

Why is he worried about this? Meaning, have you said or done something that suggested you were more invested? Do you two talk about the future, or? I am curious what triggered this.

 

If I were you, I would also like to know what he wants to do from here. Yes, his feelings are out in the open now. So, what does that mean for your relationship? Does he want to dial back on contact? See each other less? Not make any plans for future dates for a little while? Perhaps he didn't get that specific, of course, but I would be puzzled as to how he envisions things changing to accommodate his concerns. I ask because we often read here about people whose partners worry that their relationships are moving too quickly, but without any concrete idea of how to rectify that.

 

It's good that he was honest. It's couldn't have been easy to admit he's having doubts. But I would tread cautiously and observe now. Get a sense of whether he really is capable of having a committed relationship at this time, or if prefers to revert to a more casual arrangement. Then, decide for yourself if this is what you want. It sounds to me like he is still processing the end of his marriage and might not be ready for anything very serious for a while.

 

He is still very much making plans for the future. The near future anyway. We talked about going away over the summer. And we have tickets to a couple of events which he has brought up. He’s brought all of these things up recently and has talked about starting to make plans.

 

We do clash sometimes in the amount of time we like to spend together. For example, if he goes away for the weekend, which he does fairly regularly, I get excited about seeing him on his return. Whereas he is in his ‘zone’ and can probably go longer without seeing me. He always explains that this isn’t because he doesn’t want to see me and he does always make plans to see me but sometimes it can be difficult with the hours that we both work in the week. Hence one of the reasons he is changing his career. But I can sometimes get sad if I know I’m not going to see him for a while. Whereas he is happy if he knows we have a plan.

 

I think he misread this as me ‘needing’ to spend more time with him and getting upset with him when I can’t. Again, this is one of the things we have talked about. I am a very independent person - have been single for a very long time so am used to spending time alone! It’s more about me ‘wanting’ to spend time with him because I enjoy our time together. However, when I’m not with him I am also perfectly fine. In return, he explained that it’s not that he doesn’t want to spend time with me, but that sometimes life can get in the way and we can’t keep staying up until the early hours like we used to in the early days because, understandably, it was tiring us both out!!

 

I hear him though, and I think he hears me. It’s just about finding a balance that works for both of us I guess.

[marshmallow107]

I agree with Miss Canuck's last post; and re the above quote, I would pay close attention to this.

 

Sounds very much like he's used to having a certain amount of emotional distance in his relationships, at least in his marriage, and may feel more comfortable with that.

 

So here you come along, and as much as he enjoys the new connection, try as he might, it's simply too "close" for him, he's not comfortable with it.

 

This is what I think he was trying to tell you.

 

So now it's up to you. How comfortable are you with a bit of distance? We're not talking short term here, this is his nature, and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

I myself, need a certain amount of distance in my relationships, my bf does as well, so we match, we're a good fit.

 

It's about being on the same page, and space issues (how much is too much, how little to too little) is always a hot button.

 

If me, I would dial it back. And stop talking about it. Talking gets old, simply change your mind frame if you think he's worth it.

 

Do your own thing more, make your own plans. Introduce a bit of wonder into the equation, let him miss you! And you miss him!

 

I have been with my bf going on 1.5 years, and we still do this and probably always will.

 

Might not be another couple's style but it's ours and works for us.

 

Just makes sure it works for you, and you're just not "going along" because it's what your bf needs, that's important.

 

This couldn’t be more true. Truth is in previous relationships I have also liked space and very much value my independence. I have a busy career, lots of wonderful friends and an incredible social group. I think I’ve just got swept away with the excitement of this and the shift from dating to relationship has happened. Real life has kicked in and we need to find the right balance for us

[katrina1980]

This couldn’t be more true. Truth is in previous relationships I have also liked space and very much value my independence. I have a busy career, lots of wonderful friends and an incredible social group. I think I’ve just got swept away with the excitement of this and the shift from dating to relationship has happened. Real life has kicked in and we need to find the right balance for us

 

That's a fantastic attitude, and imo the "right" attitude. And I commend your bf for how he chose to approach this very delicate topic and I commend you for being open-minded, and NOT taking it personally.

 

Reading this forum, many women (and men too if roles are reversed) would have taken it personally, assumed it meant he wanted OUT, become overly emotional and assumed he was simply letting them down gently. And imo this is also precisely why many men don't even want to bother having such discussions, so they simply "go through the motions," until it all becomes just too overwhelming and then they bolt.

 

He may still be married for technical reasons, but I for one really admire him for how forthright he was about his feelings, his expression of vulnerability and it also clearly demonstrates how much he trusts you with those feelings and vulnerability, which speaks volumes!

 

I hope it all works out marshmallow, and that you're able to find the right balance that works for both of you; he sounds like a really good straight up guy.

[katrina1980]

I don't know. It sounds to me like he's longing for a bit of single life again.

 

If I were you, I would cut down on the number of times you see him or even take an extended break from the relationship and see how that turns out. If he were truly in love with you and seeing a future with you, he wouldn't be having these feelings.

 

 

I'm sorry, gotta disagree with the bolded. I think it's quite common when you meet someone whom you think has the potential to be the "right" person to have some ambivalent feelings, in fact I even think it's healthy.

 

It means one is taking the RL seriously, and as such, thinking hard about their feelings, what they want and where they want things to go with that person. All of which can be a bit overwhelming which can sometimes translate to ambivalence.

 

I would think it odd if this didn't happen! I have almost come to expect it in my relationships, from myself and my boyfriends. Like marshmallow, I don't take it personally, I step back, and let it play out the way it's meant to. I have faith and trust in our connection and I allow that to lead the way.

 

I do however agree with stepping back, do NOT push. Introduce a bit a distance, see how that works, and let it play out.

[marshmallow107]

That's a fantastic attitude, and imo the "right" attitude. And I commend your bf for how he chose to approach this very delicate topic and I commend you for being open-minded, and NOT taking it personally.

 

Reading this forum, many women (and men too if roles are reversed) would have taken it personally, assumed it meant he wanted OUT, become overly emotional and assumed he was simply letting them down lightly. And imo this is also precisely why many men don't even want to bother having such discussions, so they simply "go through the motions," until it all becomes just too overwhelming and then they bolt.

 

He may still be married for technical reasons, but I for one really admire him for how forthright he was about his feelings, his expression of vulnerability and it also clearly demonstrates how much he trusts you with those feelings and vulnerability, which speaks volumes!

 

I hope it all works out marshmalllow, and that you're able to find the right balance that works for both of you; he sounds like a really good straight up guy.

 

Katrina - I have honestly just spent the last half an hour or so reflecting on what you have said and I honestly feel like I’ve had a breakthrough in my thinking.

 

I think when the shift happened from dating to relationship and real life kicked in I was still in that excited ‘honeymoon period’ mode. Realistically I’m still working out what I want and need from a relationship because, to be honest, it has been SUCH a long time since I have been in one. He however knows exactly how he fitted into his last one and now we are trying to find the right balance going forwards. We have clashed a bit because (as he put it) we are still working out what our dynamic together is.

 

I think we are both willing to compromise enough to make it work. I think we both also bring some emotional pain to what we have together...him from his separation, mine from not feeling good enough to be anyone’s girlfriend for the past 10 years. But then who in their 30s doesn’t have some pain in their past?

[marshmallow107]

I'm sorry, gotta disagree with the bolded. I think it's quite common when you meet someone whom you think has the potential to be the "right" person to have some ambivalent feelings, in fact I even think it's healthy.

 

It means one is taking the RL seriously, and as such, thinking hard about their feelings, what they want and where they want things to go with that person. All of which can be a bit overwhelming which can sometimes translate to ambivalence.

 

I would think it odd if this didn't happen! I have almost come to expect it in my relationships, from myself and my boyfriends. Like marshmallow, I don't take it personally, I step back, and let it play out the way it's meant to. I have faith and trust in our connection and I allow that to lead the way.

 

I do however agree with stepping back, do NOT push. Introduce a bit a distance, see how that works, and let it play out.

 

I am definitely giving it space. I have needed to so that I am able to reflect on my own emotions surrounding this. The advice on here has really helped me though so thank you.

 

I have heard from him a couple of times this evening. I’m meant to be seeing him tomorrow but then I am away for the weekend so that will probably be good for us both

[katrina1980]

Katrina - I have honestly just spent the last half an hour or so reflecting on what you have said and I honestly feel like I’ve had a breakthrough in my thinking.

 

I think when the shift happened from dating to relationship and real life kicked in I was still in that excited ‘honeymoon period’ mode. Realistically I’m still working out what I want and need from a relationship because, to be honest, it has been SUCH a long time since I have been in one. He however knows exactly how he fitted into his last one and now we are trying to find the right balance going forwards. We have clashed a bit because (as he put it) we are still working out what our dynamic together is.

 

I think we are both willing to compromise enough to make it work. I think we both also bring some emotional pain to what we have together...him from his separation, mine from not feeling good enough to be anyone’s girlfriend for the past 10 years. But then who in their 30s doesn’t have some pain in their past?

 

Absolutely, unless someone's been living under a rock for the past ten years. Which frankly would be MUCH worse! lol

 

I know I am in the minority, but I'm taking all this as a positive. His ability to be open with you about such sensitive feelings, really does speak volumes as to how much he trusts you with his feelings. That is HUGE in my book.

 

Life is not a some fairly tale where the prince dashes in on his white horse and whisks his princess away, with never a worry or second thought.

 

That's a fantasy, and sadly one many women have bought into and been taught is the way it's "supposed" to be.

 

It's what I was taught, but fortunately I learned that's just simply not a realistic approach to having a mutually-rewarding, healthy relationship based on love and trust.

[SarahLancaster]

I'm sorry, gotta disagree with the bolded. I think it's quite common when you meet someone whom you think has the potential to be the "right" person to have some ambivalent feelings, in fact I even think it's healthy.

 

It means one is taking the RL seriously, and as such, thinking hard about their feelings, what they want and where they want things to go with that person. All of which can be a bit overwhelming which can sometimes translate to ambivalence.

 

I would think it odd if this didn't happen! I have almost come to expect it in my relationships, from myself and my boyfriends. Like marshmallow, I don't take it personally, I step back, and let it play out the way it's meant to. I have faith and trust in our connection and I allow that to lead the way.

 

I do however agree with stepping back, do NOT push. Introduce a bit a distance, see how that works, and let it play out.

 

I agree with you that it's common to have ambivalent feelings and want to step back a bit to assess where a new relationship is going. However, I see several red flags in the OP's post that lead me to believe that there are other things going on.

 

After 18 months of separation, he still seems to be hanging on to some feelings over his ex. I personally think he's using that as an excuse. He had plenty of time to process the break-up of a relationship where he was largely single anyway. He says he was really starting to enjoy being single when the OP came along and he started to feel 'overtaken.' I'm assuming that he means he was overwhelmed with his new status as a part of a couple. He doesn't seem fully committed to her. He says she "could be" the one and doesn't want to mess that up if she is, which tells me that he certainly doesn't think she definitely IS the one right now.

 

It all screams of "I want to try being single for a while and see where it leads."

[marshmallow107]

Absolutely, unless someone's been living under a rock for the past ten years. Which frankly would be MUCH worse! lol

 

I know I am in the minority, but I'm taking all this as a positive. His ability to be open with you about such sensitive feelings, really does speak volumes as to how much he trusts you with his feelings. That is HUGE in my book.

 

Life is not a some fairly tale where the prince dashes in on his white horse and whisks his princess away, with never a worry or second thought.

 

That's a fantasy, and sadly one many women have bought into and been taught is the way it's "supposed" to be.

 

It's what I was taught, but fortunately I learned that's just simply not a realistic approach to having a mutually-rewarding, healthy relationship based on love and trust.

 

Yeah I have also always been a bit of a ‘Disney romantic’ at heart (as I like to call it!). However I’m also very aware and have had enough experiences to know that...well....relationships just aren’t like that!

[DancingFool]

He is still very much making plans for the future. The near future anyway. We talked about going away over the summer. And we have tickets to a couple of events which he has brought up. He’s brought all of these things up recently and has talked about starting to make plans.

 

We do clash sometimes in the amount of time we like to spend together. For example, if he goes away for the weekend, which he does fairly regularly, I get excited about seeing him on his return. Whereas he is in his ‘zone’ and can probably go longer without seeing me. He always explains that this isn’t because he doesn’t want to see me and he does always make plans to see me but sometimes it can be difficult with the hours that we both work in the week. Hence one of the reasons he is changing his career. But I can sometimes get sad if I know I’m not going to see him for a while. Whereas he is happy if he knows we have a plan.

 

I think he misread this as me ‘needing’ to spend more time with him and getting upset with him when I can’t. Again, this is one of the things we have talked about. I am a very independent person - have been single for a very long time so am used to spending time alone! It’s more about me ‘wanting’ to spend time with him because I enjoy our time together. However, when I’m not with him I am also perfectly fine. In return, he explained that it’s not that he doesn’t want to spend time with me, but that sometimes life can get in the way and we can’t keep staying up until the early hours like we used to in the early days because, understandably, it was tiring us both out!!

 

I hear him though, and I think he hears me. It’s just about finding a balance that works for both of us I guess.

 

Ah...well...there is your problem. It's not so much about time, which can be a factor, but your emotional state and reaction. When you get sad because you can't see him to the point of fighting about it....you have become emotionally dependent on him in an unhealthy way. It creates a tremendous amount of pressure on him to keep you happy and of course, he'll start drawing some boundaries and having some doubts about this relationship.

 

You keep saying how you are so independent, but you aren't living it at this point in time. You are acting highly dependent. This is the issue you need to address for yourself, for this relationship and for any future relationships. I think he can see that you are losing yourself a bit and that's why he is pumping the brakes. If you take a deep breath and start being honest with yourself, can you see it too?

[katrina1980]

Ah...well...there is your problem. It's not so much about time, which can be a factor, but your emotional state and reaction. When you get sad because you can't see him to the point of fighting about it....you have become emotionally dependent on him in an unhealthy way. It creates a tremendous amount of pressure on him to keep you happy and of course, he'll start drawing some boundaries and having some doubts about this relationship.

 

You keep saying how you are so independent, but you aren't living it at this point in time. You are acting highly dependent. This is the issue you need to address for yourself, for this relationship and for any future relationships. I think he can see that you are losing yourself a bit and that's why he is pumping the brakes. If you take a deep breath and start being honest with yourself, can you see it too?

 

marshmallow, DF^ is spot on!

 

And what I alluded to her earlier too re our respective needs for space and distance in our relationships.

 

If a couple isn't on the same page about this, when one needs more distance or less distance than the other, there are going to be problems, that's a given.

 

There is no wrong or right, it's about being on the same page and finding the right balance that works for both of you.

[marshmallow107]

Ah...well...there is your problem. It's not so much about time, which can be a factor, but your emotional state and reaction. When you get sad because you can't see him to the point of fighting about it....you have become emotionally dependent on him in an unhealthy way. It creates a tremendous amount of pressure on him to keep you happy and of course, he'll start drawing some boundaries and having some doubts about this relationship.

 

You keep saying how you are so independent, but you aren't living it at this point in time. You are acting highly dependent. This is the issue you need to address for yourself, for this relationship and for any future relationships. I think he can see that you are losing yourself a bit and that's why he is pumping the brakes. If you take a deep breath and start being honest with yourself, can you see it too?

 

Completely understand this. I think this arises from the fact that for the first few months, he was the one pushing to see me all the time. I was the one slowing it down for the first month but then in time I started to enjoy it and I guess I got used to a certain level of contact. For the few months after that we were on the same wavelength.

 

Deep down I know we can’t keep that up. You know...The early stages of talking until the early hours and being knackered the next day at work...but it doesn’t matter because you’re so high on the adrenaline of it all!

 

There was a definite shift when the honeymoon period wore off and We have probably switched roles.

 

What I am definitely getting from all of this is that, regardless of the reason, the best way forward is to create space. The question is how much space is the right amount of space...?

[katrina1980]

Sarah L, they've been together for only six months, of course he's not "fully committed" to her nor does he know for certain she's "the one."

 

Heck I'd be concerned if he was sure! It's simply not a realistic way to think or feel after only six months dating.

 

Feeling fully committed and believing someone is "the one" takes time, a lot more time than six months.

 

I dunno this all sounds normal to me, and if marshmallow could dial it back just a bit, and become more of that independent woman she claims to be, some of the pressure would be lifted and it might actually work.

 

Finding the right balance, that also comes with time and patience and the ability to be open and flexible to the inevitable changing nuances that are going to happen.

[marshmallow107]

Sarah L, they've been together for only six months, of course he's not "fully committed" to her nor does he know for certain she's "the one."

 

Heck I'd be concerned if he was sure! It's simply not a realistic way to think or feel after only six months dating.

 

Feeling fully committed and believing someone is "the one" takes time, a lot more time than six months.

 

I dunno this all sounds normal to me, and if marshmallow could dial it back just a bit, and become more of that independent woman she claims to be, some of the pressure would be lifted and it might actually work.

 

Finding the right balance, that also comes with time and patience and the ability to be open and flexible to the inevitable changing nuances that are going to happen.

 

To be fair he has actually said that he is very much committed to this. But that’s because he’s a very loyal person. I do however think you may be right with the hanging on to being single thing...but not because he wants to be with other people. Because he wants to be able to be selfish with his time. Which I guess is where the balance comes in.

 

And yes, you’re all spot on and have really made me think. Hopefully taking my foot off of the pedal a bit and reclaiming my independence will hopefully help with that. As will just having trust in believing that what is meant to be will be I guess

[SarahLancaster]

He can't be very much committed to 'this' while he's re-evaluating his position on the relationship. I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I just think he's not as committed as you think he is. Time will tell, I suppose. Good luck.

[katrina1980]

 

To be fair he has actually said that he is very much committed to this.

 

Being committed to "something" like building a relationship (which it sounds like what he meant) is different from feeling "fully committed" to a person.

 

He's not even divorced yet, so feeling like he's "fully committed" to you would be a lie and not realistic.

 

That's all I meant.

 

Anyway, these bumps you're experiencing, all normal to me. All my long term relationships (including my current) had a few bumps along the way before we settled in.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[katrina1980]

He can't be very much committed to 'this' while he's re-evaluating his position on the relationship. I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I just think he's not as committed as you think he is. Time will tell, I suppose. Good luck.

 

Bolded -- I agree with you there Sarah. Which is actually okay. Again it's only been six months and he's not even divorced yet.

[DancingFool]

Completely understand this. I think this arises from the fact that for the first few months, he was the one pushing to see me all the time. I was the one slowing it down for the first month but then in time I started to enjoy it and I guess I got used to a certain level of contact. For the few months after that we were on the same wavelength.

 

Deep down I know we can’t keep that up. You know...The early stages of talking until the early hours and being knackered the next day at work...but it doesn’t matter because you’re so high on the adrenaline of it all!

 

There was a definite shift when the honeymoon period wore off and We have probably switched roles.

 

What I am definitely getting from all of this is that, regardless of the reason, the best way forward is to create space. The question is how much space is the right amount of space...?

 

I don't think in your case it's so much about space as removing the emotional pressure, the I get sad part. Focus on the plans you have rather than the plans you don't have. Focus on being happy with what you have rather than what you don't. Get back in touch with your other life too, so when he is busy, you aren't sad. A situation where when you connect again, when you talk, you can share with him all the things you've been into.

 

Otherwise, just allow for the relationship to normalize. Don't be afraid that less means pulling away or some such. Yes, it started out hot and heavy...and most relationships do that....but then you have to normalize, aka reincorporate work, friends, hobbies, etc. Find some balance between seeing each other and having a life outside of each other without getting the sadz.

[marshmallow107]

Being committed to "something" like building a relationship (which it sounds like what he meant) is different from feeling "fully committed" to a person.

 

He's not even divorced yet, so feeling like he's "fully committed" to you would be a lie and not realistic.

 

That's all I meant.

 

Anyway, these bumps you're experience, all normal to me.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

Thank you! I will. He’s certainly trying to be very communicative at the moment. I’m just going to take it one day at a time x

[marshmallow107]

I don't think in your case it's so much about space as removing the emotional pressure, the I get sad part. Focus on the plans you have rather than the plans you don't have. Focus on being happy with what you have rather than what you don't. Get back in touch with your other life too, so when he is busy, you aren't sad. A situation where when you connect again, when you talk, you can share with him all the things you've been into.

 

Otherwise, just allow for the relationship to normalize. Don't be afraid that less means pulling away or some such. Yes, it started out hot and heavy...and most relationships do that....but then you have to normalize, aka reincorporate work, friends, hobbies, etc. Find some balance between seeing each other and having a life outside of each other without getting the sadz.

 

This is just like the kind of advice I would give out and I know It’s spot on so thank you. Guess it’s easier than I realised to get carried away with the excitement.

[catfeeder]

When I met him he had been separated from his ex for about 18 months.

 

Separated is still married. He's not even dating material, much less relationship material. I'd tell him that I adore him, and that's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. If he's interested in pursuing a committed relationship with me after he's stabilized in 6 months to a year after his divorce is finalized, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

 

It makes no sense to set yourself up as a rebound. You'll only see worse than a wobble at some point; you'll get a speech about how terrific you are, but he really should have invested in stabilizing in his single life before getting involved with you, and that's what he needs to do now in order to 'find himself.'

 

Skip that, remedy the bad timing, and trust that if the two of you are really a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground in the future. If not, you're allowing life to teach you your answers and you'll be better prepared to screen men more carefully as you move forward.

 

head high.

[marshmallow107]

Separated is still married. He's not even dating material, much less relationship material. I'd tell him that I adore him, and that's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. If he's interested in pursuing a committed relationship with me after he's stabilized in 6 months to a year after his divorce is finalized, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

 

It makes no sense to set yourself up as a rebound. You'll only see worse than a wobble at some point; you'll get a speech about how terrific you are, but he really should have invested in stabilizing in his single life before getting involved with you, and that's what he needs to do now in order to 'find himself.'

 

Skip that, remedy the bad timing, and trust that if the two of you are really a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground in the future. If not, you're allowing life to teach you your answers and you'll be better prepared to screen men more carefully as you move forward.

 

head high.

 

Thanks cat feeder. Do you really think it’s impossible to move on whilst you’re still married? Even if it’s for technical reasons? Everything that he has shown me up until now has given me the impression that he was ready and does want this. And of course this wobble has made me rethink that and hope that what we have had so far has been real and true.

 

But I dunno, I totally totally hear what you’re saying, but on the other hand I’m also reluctant to throw this away. Also... I have never had a relationship like this before. For the past 10 years I’ve been treated badly. This guy treats me well...with respect, honesty and openness. I don’t doubt that we need to find whether our balance works and whether he’s ready to give me what I want/need from a relationship but I’m reluctant to just close the door on something that could also be so ‘right’