An ex

[LikeWater]

For everyone who keeps getting this confused, they met in February 2018 and he just recently moved to her area in March of this year.

 

OP, it's a little confusing when you put the dates without the 20 before them. People don't read February 18 as February of 2018.

[Hollyj]

For everyone who keeps getting this confused, they met in February 2018 and he just recently moved to her area in March of this year.

 

OP, it's a little confusing when you put the dates without the 20 before them. People don't read February 18 as February of 2018.

 

Thanks. The timeline did not make any sense.

 

OP, she is not over the ex. You are a rebound.

[Confused1844]

I was hoping I wasn't as it was just under a year of them splitting up, I have some thinking to do.

[Confused1844]

Update, she just text me to say he has messaged asking for them to talk, he wants her advice on something

[Hollyj]

Dude, she is still emotionally tied to this guy.

 

Have the three of you hung out?

[Confused1844]

Never met him but she is sitting with me on the phone to him listening to his relationship woes

[bluecastle]

Sitting with you "on the phone to him"? What does that mean?

[Confused1844]

She was sitting next to me while she was talking to him on the phone

[Andrina]

Signs Your Spouse is Having an Emotional Affair

Here are some warning signs that your spouse be having an emotional affair:

 

Your spouse starts withdrawing from you or criticizing you.

 

Your spouse acts secretive or hides their phone, shuts down the computer screen suddenly when you are around.

 

Your spouse seems interested in certain technology or hobbies seemingly out of the blue.

 

Your spouse seems to always work extra hours on a "project" with this friend.

 

This friend of your spouse gets mentioned a lot. You seem to hear much about this persons opinions (and yours seems to count less and less)

 

Your gut tells you something is going on. You are normally trusting and do not get jealous easily, but this definitely feels "off" to you.

 

When you try to discuss any of these things with your partner, it is met with defensiveness or you are made to feel crazy.

 

(Read some other articles on emotional affairs and proper relationship boundaries. You're wanting to let the good override the bad. The bad in this case, for many, is a dealbreaker. Why isn't it for you? You either be a doormat and let her BS about how her ex and you are controlling because she can't be friends with anyone she wants to, or you can tell her: These are my boundaries. XYZ. If you aren't on the same page, we can't move forward together. Loving someone is only one element for a good relationship, but if the other major elements are missing, you're settling. You should free yourself to be single when a woman who shares your ethics comes along, and it'll be in your best interest to date locally next time.)

[Hollyj]

When was the last time they slept together?

Are you comfortable with her sharing your relationship problems with him? I think they are emotionally tied.

I agree that you are being a doormat. Why the hell is she on the phone with this dude when you are visiting, or at all?

[Confused1844]

They Last slept together last October, we had split up for while, I asked her to come to mine to talk to him as he texted her earlier to say he needed to ak her opinion on something

[Wiseman2]

Does she have kids or doesn't she? Is he an ex husband or bf? Do they have kids together? Where is the kid's father or is that yet another ex?

No kids but we split up last October when we argued over the distance thing and she slept with him

she asked if I would consider moving as she is a mature student at uni and has kids

[Confused1844]

Someone asked if my girlfriend and her ex have kids together, they don't, she has kids from a previous relationship

[bluecastle]

So the way you two are now "solving" this is he texts her, she lets you know, and then comes over to your place so you can monitor her as she talks to him?

 

Did that make you feel better, more secure? Or the opposite?

 

I can only speak for myself, but my threshold for being in that sort of a relationship is exactly zero. In your shoes I'd care less about what's going on with them, then the person I am becoming: panicked, paranoid, resorting to pretty immature measures in the hopes of...of what? Making the relationship deep and mature?

 

My most generous read on this whole thing is that you two just aren't very close emotionally. The year of long distance, the on/off moment when you both slept with some other people—it all sounds a bit more like exploratory dating than two people thrilled about being committed to each other, and on the same page about what that looks like, or at least what it's supposed to feel like.

 

As for this guy, she's certainly connected to him in a way that she doesn't want to give up. In theory, I could see that being fine: they had a thing, now they're friends. But in reality something isn't sitting well, and with reason. The shadiness about it all, and now the willingness to be policed: both of those are the behaviors of someone who thinks something she is doing isn't right.

 

She seems, at best, to struggle with the notion that some emotional avenues and connections need to be tempered and adjusted to make space for a relationship. Fortunately, it seems in you that she has someone whose boundaries are just as porous, since instead of asserting your own needs clearly you're now "compromising" by being a policeman.

 

I hope this all works out the way you want. But for that to happen to have to be honest—first with yourself, about what you're feeling, and with her.

[Rabican]

I think I would handle this kind of thing one of two ways.

 

"Hand me your phone"

 

Or, simply say you know. Im not gonna be the guy to tell you that you must cut contact with him, and go through your phone. That is for you to decide. However I decide who I spend my time with, and I am not a fan of the whole ex boyfriend still hanging around thing. So we are done here because I think we want two different things out of this relationship.

She will either drop the ex like a live grenade knowing you wont stand for it, or you will know where you stand in relation to him.