What should I even feel like?

[katrina1980]

I asked earlier but what would you advise your sister or daughter (if you had one)?

 

Whatever you would advise them, especially your daughter, do same for yourself.

 

I get this is familiar to you but you need to break this toxic cycle of emotional abuse otherwise it will carry over to any children you have with this person (can't even bring myself to call him a man).

 

Your son, witnessing how his dad treats his mom (you), will become an abuser himself and your daughter will gravitate towards abusive men like her father (your husband should you marry him).

 

If you don't want to get out for you, get out for any potential kids you might have with him.

[ALuckyLilDuc]

Katrina1980, I don't want to perpetuate any pattern. I'd have much rather had it be me merely being a baby than what it apparently is. At least that way I could control the situation.

 

We don't have kids, and on his bad days I do think of how I would never want kids with him. I think I would have probably offered her a place to stay to get out the first time I heard he had raised his voice at her for something small like forgetting to turn off the AC.

 

It didn't start like this, it's just progressively gotten worse then better then even worse. I can't really say when I first thought it may be something more than him having a bad day, but it was around a year ago. I wsh he would get counselling.

[greendots]

The psychologist that I saw about the situation as a child happened to by my oldest sister's therapist too. He actually told me to apologise to her for being born at our first (and last) visit. This was before I met the guy I'm with now. I haven't been back to therapy, but I have avoided my oldest sister which helped, but I guess I'm still super damaged goods from the feedback here.

 

You are not damaged goods. Please start believing it, because it's true! Sure, you are a work in progress. But so are we all. In addition to this, don't be discouraged from seeking therapy due to one incompetent professional.

 

Also, make a mental note: you are brave for confiding to a bunch of strangers some really personal stuff and trusting them to guide you.

 

Head high and keep going!

[katrina1980]

You being a baby?

 

I invite you to read your own con list again.

 

Screams at you, insults you, curses at you, guilt trips you, dictates what you can/cannot do, etc etc -- pls explain how your not wanting to be treated this way is you being a baby?

 

Or ever thinking you were being a baby?

 

This is NOT acceptable behavior, period. It's abusive. All of it.

 

My goodness, I am literally at a loss for words here.

[reinventmyself]

Katrina1980, I'd have much rather had it be me merely being a baby than what it apparently is. At least that way I could control the situation.

 

This is pretty text book that you elect to become the sponge of everything wrong in your relationship. You try to make it more about you and something fundamentally wrong with you. Because, after all you are the only thing you have control over. He isn't going to change. But as you continue to try and turn yourself into a pretzel hoping it will somehow change the dynamic you end up tearing yourself down.

 

The cycle perpetuates. You take the blame and it breaks your spirit - it makes you more susceptible to his negative influence and before you know it you are so drilled down you don't know which way is up.

 

You wish he would get counselling? My guess is he'd say there isn't anything wrong with him.

 

My suggestion, you get back into counseling. It doesn't mean you are messed up. Getting counseling is a sign of strength. You need to be willing to be vulnerable, transparent and to learn some things about yourself. That's pretty brave stuff.

[Capricorn3]

It didn't start like this, it's just progressively gotten worse then better then even worse..

That's the classic pattern of abusers. OP, this will NEVER get better. In fact, it WILL continue to get worse and worse. This is only the tip of the iceberg, a tiny insight of what your future holds if you stay with this guy. You need to ask yourself if this is really what you want in your future, if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life (and remember, it WILL get worse over the years). Be honest with yourself ....would you say that staying with him will be a happy, healthy and successful relationship/life? If not, then you know what to do.

[catfeeder]

As inflammamtory as the original post was ...

 

The good news about posting honest assessments of a relationship is that it's a first step in recognizing that problems are really problems. The bad news is that once we recognize that we've revealed the stuff that would prompt any healthy person to walk away from such a situation, it's a knee-jerk reaction to want to backpedal the thing into sounding reasonable.

 

That's the classic dynamic that embeds people in lousy relationships. The act of defending the indefensible pulls down the blinders and prompts one to believe their own defense rather than the initial discontent that prompted the list of complaints in the first place.

 

So there you have it. You've decided that it's 'not so bad' after all, and you'll opt to further squelch yourself in order to stay tethered to someone who doesn't own the capacity to see, hear and value you the way you deserve to be valued.

 

That's not against the law, but it's not going to improve your own vision of your value for very long. I hope you'll revisit this thread to reconsider the responses you've received. Nobody here is invested in badmouthing your BF for the sake of being negative. We see the red flags of mistreatment that have no reasonable place in a balanced, healthy and loving relationship. If there's any way we can encourage you to value yourself enough for clarity about what you desire and deserve, I hope you'll reach out again and let us know.

[ALuckyLilDuc]

The original post was honest, but misleading. It may seem like backpedaling to defend him, but I haven't had to deal with shouting, cursing, or insults in weeks. I understand that I should never have to, though. That's why they were mentioned in the first post.

 

I have plenty of reasons not to defend him. He should not have tried to start an argument with me once I got the call that my grandmother died 'because I knew she was ill'. He should not have tried to fight with me on my birthday 'because I stopped too quickly' to avoid getting us in a car accident on the way to my party. He should not have fussed at me for not changing all of my contact info and social media accounts when I was being harrassed by my rapist. It seems like in every instance where he has done things I wanted to just drop him, there was an immediate outside issue I needed to address first. Dealing with him went by the wayside because tempers had cooled by the time I could even think about it.

 

When he is good, he is great. Like, hes the grabs the lotion and a warm towel and massages your feet without being asked great. When he is bad, he's the absolute worst. When he is somewhere in the middle, I've decided that he is self centered and easily agitated instead of uncomfortable or being let down by me.

 

I have read and thought on each one of the responses ya'll have posted here, and thank you for your thoughts. Please do not believe that the shouts for me to walk out immediately have gone unheard. My feelings were already bent in the same direction, but I have been facing massive amounts of guilt and anxiety which have had me anchored here for a while.

 

I am currently trying to determine the best way to leave this living situation, but I think he realizes something is up because he is entering his sweet/attentive cycle of behaviors again. Yay massages, but it feels like everything I do is being put under a microscope.

[reinventmyself]

 

I have plenty of reasons not to defend him. He should not have tried to start an argument with me once I got the call that my grandmother died 'because I knew she was ill'. He should not have tried to fight with me on my birthday 'because I stopped too quickly' to avoid getting us in a car accident on the way to my party. He should not have fussed at me for not changing all of my contact info and social media accounts when I was being harrassed by my rapist. It seems like in every instance where he has done things I wanted to just drop him, there was an immediate outside issue I needed to address first. Dealing with him went by the wayside because tempers had cooled by the time I could even think about it.

 

When he is good, he is great. Like, hes the grabs the lotion and a warm towel and massages your feet without being asked great. When he is bad, he's the absolute worst. When he is somewhere in the middle, I've decided that he is self centered and easily agitated instead of uncomfortable or being let down by me.

Is it possible that you have accommodated to all his demands just to appease him and keep him from flaring up.

Surely you've heard the term `walking on eggshells'

[ALuckyLilDuc]

Is it possible that you have accommodated to all his demands just to appease him and keep him from flaring up.

Surely you've heard the term `walking on eggshells'

 

Yes. I'm very accustomed to walking on eggsghells. I wasn't free to make breathing noises as a child for fear of being smacked around or choked by my sister when our parents were busy. I 1000% default to appeasement mode.

 

I may have created this monster by not setting up strong boundaries early. I have tried to push him back at times -closer to where I imagine a balanced relationship ought to be. He has even verbally acknowledged that he mistreats me at times, but the behavior eventually slides back to where it's easier to avoid an argument than to endure one.

 

For the past year or so I have been less mousey about when I don't want to do things his way. This has yielded a mixture of acceptance, arguments, and apathy out of him. It's hard to judge how he will react, but it isn't always outspoken disapproval.

 

He was fine with me staying on campus really late to do my engineering assignments, but he wasn't fine with me staying there late to help at tutorials. He was okay with me going to the ASME end of year social, but he wasn't okay with me going to a friend's graduation party. It doesn't seem to have a pattern, and they do not align to times when he was especially stressed out.

 

I did end up doing all of these things, by the way, whether he liked it or not wasn't paramount to whether I wanted to or not.

[katrina1980]

Just curious, but when he would scream at you, insult you, dictate what you can/cannot do, how did you respond?

 

Did you stand up for yourself? Did you assertively (but respectfully) tell him to not ever speak to you that way again or you're gone?

 

From what I understand about abusers, they "test" women in the beginning, to determine how strong or weak she is.

 

If she says nothing, apologizes or starts to cry, they deem her as weak which for them justifies continuing w the abuse.

 

They also have a Jekyll/Hyde personality, which keeps a woman on edge, not knowing when she's gonna get the good stuff (the good loving side of him).

 

Remember, we teach people how to treat us.

[reinventmyself]

please google emotionally abusive relationships.

The honeymoon cycle is just one of many things you are experiencing.

[saluk]

How you should feel:

* content, like no matter what crazy nonsense the world throws at you, your relationship is a solid rock

* like you can be yourself, free to make mistakes in the process of continually learning who you are

* similarly, excited to continue learning more about who your partner is

* encouraged and supported in your life choices by your partner, even ones that don't directly concern him

* happy when you are doing something else and your partner pops into your head

* secure in the knowledge that your partner genuinely cares about you

 

No one is going to feel all of those things all the time, but if you don't feel some of them most of the time, what are you even getting out of this besides just being so attached and addicted to a certain kind of love that you can't imagine any other kind of life?

[greendots]

He was fine with me staying on campus really late to do my engineering assignments, but he wasn't fine with me staying there late to help at tutorials. He was okay with me going to the ASME end of year social, but he wasn't okay with me going to a friend's graduation party. It doesn't seem to have a pattern, and they do not align to times when he was especially stressed out.

 

I did end up doing all of these things, by the way, whether he liked it or not wasn't paramount to whether I wanted to or not.

 

That's odd. Just wondering, does he take any medication?