hatmessedup Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 Forewarning you in advance, this may be long. But please bear with me. Backstory. My ex and I had been together for 2 years in college. We are best friends. Even after this event we have spoken and told each other that we still love each other so much and that we are still best friends. I am older because I was in the military, and I also suffer from PTSD and their side effects like: aggression, anger, anxiety, sleeplessness, etc. She is 22, and I am 27. We used to live in the same apartment complex. I live alone, and she lived with 3 of her friends from high school. This school year she moved into a house closer to campus with 5 new people she had never met before, so the new distance was a little troubling on our relationship. While I like all of her new roommates/friends, I do not like how she acts around them. They are all great girls, however, their attitudes and actions on a daily basis are what bothers me. Once she become close with them, she developed a new attitude which was not a very nice one. Our once great relationship turned to whenever I opened my mouth, I was met with a disgusting/mean remark back. I used to brush it off, but after months I started to say sligh little remarks back which would start to turn into a fight. Eventually I stopped talking to avoid being brought down by a negative comment, which also started a fight due to me being silent. Night of the event. On the night of our event, we had gone out to a bar to watch the Final Four game with her roommates. We got very intoxicated, just as everyone else did. After the game we made our way back to her house. Upon arriving, we realized she grabbed the wrong key to her bedroom and we were locked out. So we were trying to find ways to get into her room, when one of her roommates friends said "try using a bobby pin". Thats when my ex ordered me to go find a bobby pin. (The next part is where it all started. Please do not use your responses to diminish me, but rather focus on what comes after the part I am about to tell you) Now, I didn't mind this, however, being a guy who doesn't use bobby pins, in a house full of women, my next remark is as follows: "I don't know where the bobby pins are, a woman should find the bobby pin." that was it. Immediately the friend that suggested the bobby pins angrily said "that was extremely sexist". which I replied "that was not sexist". my ex then said "no that was sexist and you need to watch what you're saying." I then proceeded to hold my ground stating that it was not sexist, but I wanted to get my point out of WHY it was not sexist, or at least WHY it was NOT MEANT to be sexist. I could not get it out. They would not let me explain my reasoning behind the comment. (My reasoning was, I am a guy in a house full of 6+ women who all know exactly where to find a bobby pin. This is not my house, I do not want to go rummaging through everyone's stuff to find a bobby pin. Therefore, a woman who knows exactly where to find one should be the one to find a bobby pin. It would be fast, quick, and easy.) However, I was not able to get that out because I kept getting interrupted. We were already into her room by the point where the next part happened. We were still arguing about my comment. I then had enough due to not being able to voice my reasoning and I proceeded to call her "a dumb ". This is where everything TOOK OFF. She said "I'm done, leave, and take the presents you got me for my birthday with you." then she turned around and wapped me on the head. Being from military background, and drunk, I grabbed her by the wrists and threw her onto the bed. I did this to control her hands from hitting me again, and get separation between us. It was at this point I caused her severe pain, but I was too enraged to care. She started crying and I grabbed her first birthday gift, threw it on the floor and stompted it into a million pieces. It was a very nice makeup mirror. So there was glass everywhere. Then, I took another gift which was a glass jar full of 125 reasons I hand wrote why I love her in it, took all the notes out and threw them on the ground, then threw the glass jar on the ground. Then, I grabbed the book I got her and started to rip out all of the pages. At this point she is crying very hard and holding her wrist. She sat in front of her door so her roommates could not enter the room. He roommates got into the room, and told me to leave, which I very abruptly did. I knew I had messed up extremely bad, and did not want to cause any further damage. I went home and went to bed. The next day. I woke up, remembering everything that happened. I read my phone and she had called her dad to come pick her up and bring her to the hospital. Turns out, I used enough force for her wrist to develop a very tiny hairline fracture which is why she was in so much pain. I told her I was extremely sorry, and that it was not my intentions to cause her that kind of bodily damage. She knows I struggle with anger, and this was one of those high intense anger moments that went from 5-150 instantly. She told her roommates and family that I struggle with this and due to them asking what happened and why I did this. She then told me I seriously needed to get help, and thats what everyone wants for me. She also stated that if I hadn't broken everything and just tried to comfort her she probably would have been fine and we would still be together. I want to get help and I have been trying. The VA sucks, and hasn't been able to help very much. I wrote her an apology letter, as well as I wrote her parents an apology letter telling them I was sorry for my actions, and offering to pay any medical bills, and I thanked them for the love they had shown me over the last 2 years. They wrote me back telling me they forgive me and telling me they hope I am able to find help. Fast Forward a month (Right now). I have further done research on anger and how to control it, and becoming a better person. We have talked periodically throughout the last month. She saw me briefly last Friday, but only for a few minutes. I tried to give her a note I wrote her, but she wouldn't take it. So I turned around, threw it away, walked to my car and left. She called me a few minutes later crying. Which, of course I started crying. She explained to me that she would like to read the letter someday, but she can't right now because she has a lot going on. Aside from what has happened between us, she grandfather was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, she had Final Exams and projects to study for, she was going to Florida for a wedding the next day, and she is graduating. Which I completely understand. I told her that I miss her and love her so much, and that I just want an opportunity to talk. She explained to me that she misses me too and loves me too, but she just has so much going on. She told me she wakes up in the middle of the night crying, and wants to call me but she won't call me. And she doesn't tell me any of these things because she doesn't want to make me sad. She says she will sit down and talk with me once she is ready, and mentioned possibly getting breakfast together one day. Please Help me. Please help, I'm so incredibly sad. I've been reaching out to get help through the VA with my anger, and recently had bloodwork done to check if there is any medical reason why I spike from low anger to raging with the snap of a finger. I have yet to get the results back. I've had a lot of time to think over this past month. There is nothing I want more than to be back together with her. She is the love of my life and we were planning on getting married. We both love each other and miss each other. The problem is the event that occurred. I want to show her that I'm getting help and that I'm going to change, but I know that won't change what happened. We were both highly intoxicated and I feel as if the way she treats me now are due to her new developed attitude from being around her roommates. Can I explain this to her? Will she be able to see that she used to treat me better and I used to not get angry like this with her? If we stopped drinking and avoiding these situations, could we make it work? Please, what can I do, suggest, offer, to help save my relationship with her? I love her so much and I miss the hell out of her. I know she loves me, but would she be able to come back to me after this? I know this is really long, and probably choppy for you to read. Please try your best to give me any advice as to how I can change this and get her back. And any advice for how I can change myself, and hopefully advice I could use to offer her for how we can fix things between us and return to our normal selves and relationship. Please, she's my best friend and I really really need her back.. Link to comment
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