Boyfriend Can't Afford to Live with me

[maew]

OP I think it's just a matter of being very clear on what you want. It would seem he has been clear on what he wants... to live with his mom and save money to eventually purchase a house. Clearly he doesn't want to pay money to rent a place... some people are just like that, they don't want to spend money paying someone else's mortgage.

 

The challenge you are having is that you are looking to him to save you from the annoyance of having to house share and living with roommates... and for you it's an urgent situation as you need to move vs. having the luxury of deciding like he does. If you had your own place with privacy etc. would you still feel the same sense of urgency wanting to live together?

[mustlovedogs]

Can you buy a property on your own?

[Andrina]

As slowly as he earns extra money, inflation will likely override that. So do you know if his mother can afford her home without her son's income? That might be something he doesn't want to admit.

 

I'd sit down with him and say: After 3 years together, I'm happy with our relationship, so at this point, I feel like there should be some progression on future plans.

 

I'd act as a team and get a sheet of paper and start writing down all of the possibilities to discuss, even if they aren't your first choices. Just throwing stuff out there which might not be doable: Building a mother-in-law suite on the mother's property or your parents property you two could live in (if so, get legal documents buy-outs in case of a split.) Apply for a job in another city with cheaper housing costs.

 

You also need to come up with timelines for any options. If he doesn't want to work with you on this, it means he doesn't care equally about your wants. What do your friends and family think of him? Just want to make sure you're not overlooking red flags and seeing him through rose-colored glasses. Good luck.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm with Maew on this and by nature, also Andrina as an accountant but the pen/paper record can be intimidating for someone who may be a bit shaky. This guy just sounds all round not on the same page so I'm not sure about his interest levels from the get-go having such an involved discussion about specifics.

 

To me the conversation is still stuck on the boyfriend's overall philosophy on moving out in general and making peace with the fact that his job is not enabling him to move out any time soon. I'd set out some feelers before going into specifics. Feel him out first and see where he stands or where his fears are. You both need to reassure each other that you'll be there for each other. If I put myself in his shoes, I'd be a bit of a stick in the mud too because I'd be 100% aware of my lowered earning capacity compared to my girlfriend and quite insecure about the fact that she might have to foot more of the bills upon moving out with her. I wouldn't be sure if I'd be happy allowing that because I'd love her and want to do more. He might not know how to verbalize with you. Reassure each other and work on pulling out those insecurities first... and then talk more about plans and specifics.

[Ellie1988]

OP I think it's just a matter of being very clear on what you want. It would seem he has been clear on what he wants... to live with his mom and save money to eventually purchase a house. Clearly he doesn't want to pay money to rent a place... some people are just like that, they don't want to spend money paying someone else's mortgage.

 

The challenge you are having is that you are looking to him to save you from the annoyance of having to house share and living with roommates... and for you it's an urgent situation as you need to move vs. having the luxury of deciding like he does. If you had your own place with privacy etc. would you still feel the same sense of urgency wanting to live together?

 

 

Yes, this is correct...i was ok with us living apart and saving until i found out that i had to move again a few days ago. He isn't in a position to move in with me and i can't afford to live in my own place. Essentially i have no options and that annoys me. He said i was always welcome at his house but i know i don't want that.

[Batya33]

Yes, this is correct...i was ok with us living apart and saving until i found out that i had to move again a few days ago. He isn't in a position to move in with me and i can't afford to live in my own place. Essentially i have no options and that annoys me. He said i was always welcome at his house but i know i don't want that.

 

Own that. The fact you have no options is because of your choices (or options you don't like like moving in with him and his mother) - he is not your spouse or even your fiancee. He is not responsible for your financial situation, options or choices and is not responsible to provide for you (although he's offered to do so, offering for you to move in with him and his mother). So your main concern now is financial and convenience, not how much you love him and want to be with him and miss him. If that is true, move in with him and his mother temporarily until you can afford your own place. Can you afford your own place if you commute?

[Ellie1988]

Own that. The fact you have no options is because of your choices (or options you don't like like moving in with him and his mother) - he is not your spouse or even your fiancee. He is not responsible for your financial situation, options or choices and is not responsible to provide for you (although he's offered to do so, offering for you to move in with him and his mother). So your main concern now is financial and convenience, not how much you love him and want to be with him and miss him. If that is true, move in with him and his mother temporarily until you can afford your own place. Can you afford your own place if you commute?

 

 

I do love and want to live with him...and have done for some time. The recent change in my circumstance has (again) flared up my concerns that it could be an incredibly long time until the 2 of us can live together (just the 2 of us). I appreciate what you are saying in that he offered for me to move in with them, and many people would be happy with that option, but personally i don't think the 2 of us living with his mother would be good for our relationship.

[Batya33]

I do love and want to live with him...and have done for some time. The recent change in my circumstance has (again) flared up my concerns that it could be an incredibly long time until the 2 of us can live together (just the 2 of us). I appreciate what you are saying in that he offered for me to move in with them, and many people would be happy with that option, but personally i don't think the 2 of us living with his mother would be good for our relationship.

 

OK so you want to live with him and you need it to be on your terms. But on your terms also wouldn't be good for the relationship because he wouldn't be happy, right? I would never ever have lived with my inlaws and I loved them but I never saw living together before marriage as important or needed -I think it's good to miss each other (and we became parents shortly after marriage so as a "test run" it would have been irrelevant -living together as new parents to me is a whole different ball game!).

 

This is not a person who fits into your plan of living together in the particular way in the particular location you desire. Also I'd ask him now whether he sees his mother living with the two of you should she need care later in life since you already think it wouldn't be good for your relationship.

[mustlovedogs]

It’s irresponsible, IMO, to buy a place that either one of you can not afford independently if you aren’t married

[j.man]

There's a decent bit of value in having the job security that comes with something like a strong labor union, tenureship, or apparently whatever he's got going, As a seasonal contractor, that's obviously not my life, but I can't knock the guy if he's playing it slow and steady in favor of security.

 

My biggest concern is the broader issue of him not being comfortable with you financially contributing more as a matter of principle. I think it's understandable if, at least as far as what's most likely going to be the biggest purchase of both your lives, he wants that to be on equal terms. But is that were it ends? Do you go out as often as you'd like even if you can afford to treat the both of you but his pride won't allow it? Do you end up sitting on a broken appliance because he can't chip in 50% on a new oven? What happens if you suddenly need a new roof he can't comfortably split down the middle with $3500 for? Is he going to have a crisis of ego? Thinking down the line, are you comfortable with any and all those prospects should "slow and steady" end up staying just that with that for his career?

 

Personally, there's a fairly hefty income discrepancy in our marriage, so believe me I'm not knocking the dynamic simply for what it is. But you both have got to be on the same page. You have to be confident he brings in enough value in other ways than income to maintain equity and he has to be confident enough in what he brings to not feel insecure about you essentially being the breadwinner.

[Wiseman2]

Does he actually want to move out of mom's? Perhaps he stays and uses cost as the excuse. Most guys would cringe at the thought of living with mom at 32 and get into a cardboard box if they had to. Unless this is cultural and you haven't discussed his actual desire or ability to leave his mother on her own.

 

Have you considered that it's a catch-22 with him? He is complacent with mom so has no great ambitions and because he has no great ambitions he stays with mom. You have this sudden urgency because of your leasing situation, he has zero reason to upset the status quo. Stop talking about money/cost of living, etc and get to the real reasons he's still with mom.