“Loving” a Narcissist

[katrina1980]

 

We must each decide how we will use our experiences, and there's no learning value in blame. Self examination of our own contributions to any outcome is the best teaching device to build confidence in our capacity to navigate forward. It's a decision.

 

 

This^ was so well said! I posted essentially same thing in another thread (roasting breakup experts). not nearly as eloquently as catfeeder just did though!! Spot on.

 

Tom, I mean no disrespect but I am wondering why you created this thread?.

 

If it was truly just to update, that's fine, but have found with posters still struggling a bit (which it appears you are, apologies if I'm wrong ), it's usually more than just for that.

 

You have received some excellent advice here about introspecting, looking within.

 

But for some reason you seem resistant to doing that, instead choosing to focus and directing your energy on her.

 

You don't even seem to be aware you're doing it!

 

Things to consider and explore (within yourself) if you're open to it.

[Tomthumb88]

My attempt was to take a hard and accurate look at what was and then forgive all parties involved. I once could let go of the fairy tale and it kept me hanging on. I just don’t like how my observations seem to be disputed.

[Hollyj]

Get more therapy? It is obsessive and sad that you are still focused on this.. If she is so awful why do YOU allow her in your life?

[Tomthumb88]

I made a post about an event that had a huge affect on me.. it’s not “obsessive and sad”. What kind of a post is that? Why would you think shaming me would be helpful?

[Hollyj]

She ended the relationship for no reason and is a narcissist, yet you continue to allow her to come in and out of your life. For years! You are back on here posting about all of this, years after the split, this is why it is obsessive. You need to get more therapy to understand why YOU continue with this.

 

What a complete waste of your life. I was not shaming. You need to wake up and see this is about you holding on to a nothing relationship.

[Tomthumb88]

I was feeling a bit down last night and despite her issues, is someone I genuinely care about. That not to say I think we should be in contact but I’m not angry, just trying to be realist.

And occasionally thinking about someone and events that were impactful seems pretty normal to me. I’m not building a shrine or living as a hermit, don’t be so dramatic.

[Hollyj]

Yes. Being down two years after a break, is not moving on with one's life.

 

How long did you date?

[figureitout23]

I was feeling a bit down last night and despite her issues, is someone I genuinely care about. That not to say I think we should be in contact but I’m not angry, just trying to be realist.

And occasionally thinking about someone and events that were impactful seems pretty normal to me. I’m not building a shrine or living as a hermit, don’t be so dramatic.

 

Lol! That actually made me chuckle.

 

I hear you, believe it or not I do.

 

But I’m going to keep saying this because it’s big and I feel it’s being avoided purposely, you keep insisting we’re ( or maybe just specifically me) twisting your story but again didn’t YOU originally break up with HER?

[Tomthumb88]

I’m confused as to why you both keep “defending” her and discounting what I say. She’s not on here, I didn’t reveal her name and I certainly wasn’t attacking her anyway.

The moment would have passed and I’d have gone about my life if I hadn’t posted and here I am. Clearly posting was a bad idea.

[Tomthumb88]

I told her this wasn’t working and asked her to lift a finger and she declined and said she’d check back in a few weeks. I presume she wanted to give a new guy a test run.

[figureitout23]

I’m sorry if I gave that impression. I actually said “ I hear you believe it or not I do” that wasn’t meant to defend her.

 

I was asking if I got the timelines correct because it seems you left her, which I’m assuming you confirmed you did:

 

I told her this wasn’t working and asked her to lift a finger and she declined and said she’d check back in a few weeks. I presume she wanted to give a new guy a test run.

 

Which would then make your insistence that she left you when everything was perfect not completely the truth, right?

 

I know it may seem like you’re getting dumped on. I promise you that’s not my intention, I think catfeeder said we can agree with you, we can go down the rabbit hole with you but it wouldn’t do you any good.

 

You want so desperately to make this breakup about her betraying you, and on some level I guess you can say she did, but you’ve been a willing participant on this crazy train.

 

You gotta get off. You have be power to begin healing, but you can’t heal while dragging the rotting corpse of this past relationship.

[Tomthumb88]

She broke up with me in place.. but the shift was from one day to another. I believe it’s called the devalue stage. It actually made me try harder and invest more and more until I couldn’t take it. But I thought she wasn’t supposed to be the focus.

[Tomthumb88]

And I don’t really even want to talk about it anymore. She’s genuinely the saddest woman I’ve ever met.