2 men, nothing but problems

[Gb83]

So you're having marriage problems and ran to another man and want us to make you feel better about it and give you advice on how soon you should have sex with him..correct?

 

First of all, marriage is not a game, nor is it something you toss about when times get tough. You don't run after another man and you don't replace your partner.

You be an adult about things, sit down with your spouse, tell him ALL the problems and figure out together if it's fixable.

Make a plan on how to fix things, go to marriage counselling, do whatever it takes to get things back on track especially if there is a baby on the way.

 

By the way, what kind of sleaze bag hits on not only a married woman but a pregnant one? You can't get much lower than that.

 

If you(or he) 100% refuse to try to do everything possible to save your marriage and you want to run to this other man, then I suggest you tell your husband about this other man and ask for a divorce.

May as well be honest and put everything on the table if you're going to mess around with another man.

 

But in no way, shape, or form is the affair you're having (yes, affair) it needn't be sexual but it is an affair...none of it is healthy or okay or good.

It is 2 adults not taking responsibility, trying to force some kind of fantasy that's not real and destroying others along the way.

It's wrong, plain and simple and you know this.

 

It's a very basic rule, if you are not happy with your current partner..END THINGS...then go chasing after other men.

How does no one understand that simple rule?

 

I’ve done all that... told my husband that I don’t respect him in a lot of ways because of how I’ve seen him handle money, lack of work life balance, and insisting on moving the family when the best/most stable situation is staying put where he could still have a very good training program (just 1 step below the very top tier ones he chases, which I don’t understand bc he says this whole career is his “backup plan” & something to do part time until his entrepreneur ventures are super lucrative. He even came home from one of his top interviews in 1 of the expensive cities and said he was depressed because he really didn’t feel like going through it). Told him I don’t feel attraction bc of the problems I outlined. We went to counseling. Counselor felt we are fundamentally very different and not sure if much to save.

My husband knows all about this other guy, I’d offered for him to meet him before etc. Later on he asked to read all my texts w him and I let him, he said “oh he’s flirting with you so you should stop seeing him completely,” but at that point I felt like sure, I could acquiesce to what he wanted but then the rest of our relationship would still be terrible w no problems solved (I didn’t see HIM offering to do anything to resolve any of our issues), and at that point we really both had decided upon separation /divorce

[SherrySher]

May I just ask then, why get pregnant if things were going this badly?

[Gb83]

May I just ask then, why get pregnant if things were going this badly?

 

I actually wanted to get pregnant BECAUSE things were going badly- my husband being so self absorbed in work even on weekends home with me felt so empty, and I wanted a family member who really needed me and all my time and love.

By the way, regarding your comment that you were surprised the married guy would be sleazy and interested in my despite pregnancy - his firm interest in being close friends despite that was actually what let my guard down, because I thought this is a really lousy/complicated situation for him if he didn’t truly care, not to mention the fact that sexually being pregnant can’t be attractive to a ton of guys and then there’s the obvious out of commission period and then wouldn’t I be too tired with other responsibilities besides being at his beck and call? So when he instead started making plans for how he’ll help me w the baby that totally made me feel he had only good intentions not sex driven

[SherrySher]

Firstly, bringing a child into this world because your situation is bad and you hope it'll make the marriage work, never works.

Secondly, bringing a child into this world to be your friend, to make you feel like someone loves you, etc, is also a very backwards reason for creating a child.

You can't hold a child responsible for your happiness, nor should it ever be like that.

 

As for this other guy, he IS a sleaze. He has his own darn wife and child to think of and to work things out with. His son should come first, he should be worrying if his son feels loved or taken care of, etc. YOUR child is not his problem or his business.

 

I wonder why he would ever start getting involved with a married woman in the first place. It shows very low character to do that. Do you not see that?

You are both starting out with cheating, lying, a very bad beginning and a very complicated one.

 

To be honest, OP, you've got very backwards ideas on so many things.

[Gb83]

Ok, points taken. So steps going forward:

-Already wasn’t a question that I won’t sleep with this guy, both because my divorce isn’t in legal motion & because I’ve been very firm w him that I wouldn’t do this until he was separated too

-continue to make it clear I will only be his friend unless he took some real step toward ending marriage

But the steps with my husband are the hard part... am I being too picky and critical to leave him? Because certainly would be easier w the baby for us to be together... but I was dissatisfied sexually and emotionally w him long before meeting my friend or getting pregnant or anything else...he says he makes tons of effort to be w me but it’s like scheduling me into blocks of time on his weekend and never spontaneously wanting to do stuff w me bc he says he doesn’t need much time w me. So even if I agreed to move for him and he was happy bc now I’m “supporting” him, I don’t see what I’ll really get from him? Not $, not time spent w the baby really?

[Seraphim]

The baby is not born yet. How do you know what time will be spent?

[Gb83]

The baby is not born yet. How do you know what time will be spent?

 

Just inferring based upon how he’s been with me/other family vs prioritizing work, AND that he’s willing to move hours away for a slightly better training program - which would mean him only able to see baby on weekends- of course he guilts me for not being willing to leave current stable situation by saying I’m the one breaking up the family by not moving. Are you kidding, I make a high 6 figures and yes could do that elsewhere, but I’m very aware that I’d be working twice as much bc I have a hard to get job, and that I’m comfortable here and my coworkers know me as a hard worker which all seems so good for having a newborn.

[Hollyj]

Cut off the affair and get a divorce!

[Hollyj]

Firstly, bringing a child into this world because your situation is bad and you hope it'll make the marriage work, never works.

Secondly, bringing a child into this world to be your friend, to make you feel like someone loves you, etc, is also a very backwards reason for creating a child.

You can't hold a child responsible for your happiness, nor should it ever be like that.

 

As for this other guy, he IS a sleaze. He has his own darn wife and child to think of and to work things out with. His son should come first, he should be worrying if his son feels loved or taken care of, etc. YOUR child is not his problem or his business.

 

I wonder why he would ever start getting involved with a married woman in the first place. It shows very low character to do that. Do you not see that?

You are both starting out with cheating, lying, a very bad beginning and a very complicated one.

 

To be honest, OP, you've got very backwards ideas on so many things.

 

Agree with all of this.

 

Really screwed-up to bring a kid into the world because you are lonely.

[Gb83]

Does it really make sense to get a divorce? All relationships will have problems and unhappiness and life will be simpler if we try to stay together for the child. That said, all he’s been reiterating for weeks is that he wants a divorce because I don’t respect him and we have issues... Yet tonight we finally have a normal convo and then he ruins it by asking if I texted my friend today...how is that your business when you only tell me repeatedly that we are over?? My response was an honest “he texted me once in last few days, just now, and I ignored it the whole time you & I were talking bc I found that more important.” But come on, this was far from the only issue between us and I told him repeatedly that if it were, then it’d be a no brainer for me to stop talking to this person. But my husband has been the one continually insisting things are over so what does it matter and why does he even have right to ask?

[Seraphim]

I think it is best to get divorced. You don’t respect him . He doesn’t respect you. He has an affair stuffed in his face. What would there be to show a child? Children should be shown loving and happy parents who love each other and can emulate a good relationship to them.

[Gb83]

Well, I could certainly apologize and cut off contact w this person but my husband claims he didn’t feel respected and we had lots of problems long before that, which I agree with. This other person was a symptom of what was already broken between us, not the cause, and so I don’t see what stopping contact w him will magically fix for the relationship overall. But if I also forced myself to change my views and found a way to act totally differently and moved wherever he wanted from now on ignoring my own wishes & career then...

[Seraphim]

So get divorced and make a plan to co parent.

[Gb83]

I think we will regret that somehow and we should try to have a good intact family. Even if it results in me giving things up and not feeling happy or like all my needs are met. Whose ever really are? At least if I’m kind of unhappy personally I’ll know I’m doing my part to have a stable environment for the child.

[Seraphim]

Children know when parents are not happy.

 

However, if you want your marriage to work you need to give up side guy this second and find a suitable arrangement for both you and your husband. But side guy needs to go , period.

[Gb83]

I know. My reluctance in giving up talking to this other guy isn’t any different than my reluctance to give up anything else- such as my career, the city in which I have now become settled after also moving there on my husband’s account, etc. it’s just reservation in feeling im giving up all these components of my life, husband is giving up nothing, and am I really going to be happy vs just resent him? Will we in fact be better as co parents? Seems it will bring sadness but I don’t know.

[Seraphim]

Well, then you need to make your mind up. You are just talking yourself in circles.

[Gb83]

I know. I just can’t convince myself that my husband & I could have a good relationship unless I changed so much & needed much less, and didn’t even care as much about my career, finances, or moving repeatedly for him.

[Hollyj]

Does it really make sense to get a divorce? All relationships will have problems and unhappiness and life will be simpler if we try to stay together for the child. That said, all he’s been reiterating for weeks is that he wants a divorce because I don’t respect him and we have issues... Yet tonight we finally have a normal convo and then he ruins it by asking if I texted my friend today...how is that your business when you only tell me repeatedly that we are over?? My response was an honest “he texted me once in last few days, just now, and I ignored it the whole time you & I were talking bc I found that more important.” But come on, this was far from the only issue between us and I told him repeatedly that if it were, then it’d be a no brainer for me to stop talking to this person. But my husband has been the one continually insisting things are over so what does it matter and why does he even have right to ask?

 

You are not happy in your marriage. Your husband is never around and the sex is lousy. Plus, you are also having an affair. This situation is so screwed up. How can you think of doing this to your child. So selfish!

 

You are doing your child a huge disservice by bringing it into an unhappy household. What are you thinking!

[Gb83]

You are not happy in your marriage. Your husband is never around and the sex is lousy. Plus, you are also having an affair. This situation is so screwed up. How can you think of doing this to your child. So selfish!

 

You are doing your child a huge disservice by bringing it into an unhappy household. What are you thinking!

As I said, I got pregnant thinking it would actively improve the relationship by making me too focused on the baby to ignore my husband’s lack of emotional or physical presence.

I didn’t do anything but platonically talk to the other guy until 3 consistent weeks of my husband (not me) saying the relationship was over and he wanted a divorce.

[Annia]

I think we will regret that somehow and we should try to have a good intact family. Even if it results in me giving things up and not feeling happy or like all my needs are met. Whose ever really are? At least if I’m kind of unhappy personally I’ll know I’m doing my part to have a stable environment for the child.

 

You don't want to be alone, that's your biggest fear. That's why you decided to have a child despite the marriage being so bad and why you got a man (doesn't matter who, this one was married!) to monkey branch when you decide to divorce your husband/substitute the absence of your husband. At this point and I'm just basing what you're writing on this thread, none of your decisions seem to be for the well being of your child, but instead to prevent yourself from being alone. I predict that if you stay married to your husband and if things don't proceed with the married friend, if you find another man it'll happen the same.

 

No, your cheating (yes, so far is emotional cheating) is not a symptom of the problems in your marriage or the negligence of your husband. It's a symptom of your terror of being alone. I think that until you come to terms with it, you're not equipped to either have a good marriage or set good standards to yourself and good example for your child.

[Annia]

As I said, I got pregnant thinking it would actively improve the relationship by making me too focused on the baby to ignore my husband’s lack of emotional or physical presence.

I didn’t do anything but platonically talk to the other guy until 3 consistent weeks of my husband (not me) saying the relationship was over and he wanted a divorce.

 

Having children doesn't improve broken relationships, it puts more strain in them. Also, you can say what you want, but that's an emotional affair even if you hadn't have sex yet with your married friend. And if you're still married living with your husband yes, it's still an affair. None of it will make things better and an healthy household to your child. They're just impulse actions because you're terrified of being alone.

[Hollyj]

As I said, I got pregnant thinking it would actively improve the relationship by making me too focused on the baby to ignore my husband’s lack of emotional or physical presence.

I didn’t do anything but platonically talk to the other guy until 3 consistent weeks of my husband (not me) saying the relationship was over and he wanted a divorce.

That is the worst reason to have a child. You bring a child into the world when you have a healthy relationship, not the opposite.

 

You are having an emotional affair. Just as bad as a physical affair. Have you considered therapy?

[Lester]

"Am I just a person who is destined to forever be alone and/or unhappy?"

- With your current problem solving skills.., yes.

[Gb83]

That is the worst reason to have a child. You bring a child into the world when you have a healthy relationship, not the opposite.

 

You are having an emotional affair. Just as bad as a physical affair. Have you considered therapy?

Yes... started seeing a therapist and told my husband I was unhappy and didn’t think we should be together when I realized I was feeling things for this other person and was going to be Inappropriate... then my husband agreed we had issues and said he was wanting the divorce also... so, rather than do stuff behind his back I told him I wanted out...