What do I do with my mil

[reinventmyself]

In a perfect world the son takes a stand to defend his family and firmly checks his own mother.

But that doesn't always happen.

They often take baby steps and make gentle innuendos and hope that neither women in his life become upset with him.

 

I had a difficult MIL and though our issues were different, I too waiting the first 3 years for my then husband to stand next to me and defend me. I was constantly disappointed.

 

It happened by accident but my MIL dropped by unexpected and wanted to scold me for leaving a family function the day before without telling anyone. Something was said, it got back to me and I took our then 3 month old son and left. I had enough.

 

She was self righteous and I received a verbal spanking and was warned that if I `listened to here-say and gossip I would never make it in this family'.

 

I really didn't have much of spine back then but I listened to her quietly and then asked her if she was done. From there I was firm and respectful, told her of the facts and my personal experiences. She basically left with her tail between her legs. I don't think she saw that coming. To be fair, neither did I.

 

We still all got together as a family, but she avoided me for about 2 years. Somewhere along the way she started to come around and the last dozen years of my marriage I can honestly say she liked me. Most importantly, she respected me.

 

I don't believe that would have ever happened had I not spoken up, defending myself and instead waited for her son to do it.

[SherrySher]

I dunno..putting the two together in the same sentence and the daughter even holding her nose, is a pretty big coincidence.

 

I would say that's not accidental and grandma has said it more than once.

 

Grandma was also telling the husband that the other grandma was weird, etc. It's not difficult to see that she has a problem.

[abitbroken]

I agree. 3 years olds are very honest, too honest, they don't have a filter. It's the grandma who has reason to lie.

 

But a 3 year old wouldn't say things like Asians stink, unless they heard it from someone.

 

On top of that, the 3 year old would identify that "mommy is Japanese/Chinese/Korean/Cambodian etc - whatever actual ethnicity Mom is., vs 'asian'"

 

I agree that mother in law is not the problem - husband is. I think instead of totally blocking mil, i would take control. Actually invite mother in law to meet you somewhere -- the children's playground, a kids play time at the library or a restaurant. Anything that has a set end time. If she tries to come over before the event say that you are busy and you are looking forward to seeing her at what you planned. The children are not allowed to be alone with her or go to her house for the time being. Both you and your husband go with your child and meet mother in law wherever you decide to meet. That way there is nothing said that your husband cannot hear.

 

I had TERRIBLE in-laws with my ex husband. The solution was to meet them somewhere away from out respective homes and also invite this cousin or aunt who was liked by all -- they were all on their best behavior because the cousin or aunt was there, too. And then we all went home. It was not long enough of a visit for anyone to start behaving badly and then they could not say i was refusing to see them, either.

 

If mother in law changes or husband starts getting a back bone, you can change things.

 

What happened to me is that my ex had no backbone. He would yell at them sometimes but always caved in because he wanted them to stop complaining or acting up. If you forbid her from seeing the kids, and your husband does not -- mother in law will try to cause a rift between you and husband. Because if you just say "you have a three month break from seeing the kids" - husband will say something different when he talks to his mom - blaming you for being unreasonable and would not be united with you

[SherrySher]

Great suggestions abitbroken.

 

I can understand how not allowing grandma near the children or to see her son, would be a real problem. Allowing her to see them out in a restaurant or park, etc still let's her see them but with no chance of her behaving badly.

Most people behave themselves much more with others around.

 

I too agree that husband needs to step up. He needs to set his mother straight and tell her that she stops her antics and terrible behaviors or she can stay away..and mean it!!

He has allowed her to go too far already.

[Redpea]

On top of that, the 3 year old would identify that "mommy is Japanese/Chinese/Korean/Cambodian etc - whatever actual ethnicity Mom is., vs 'asian'"

 

I agree that mother in law is not the problem - husband is. I think instead of totally blocking mil, i would take control. Actually invite mother in law to meet you somewhere -- the children's playground, a kids play time at the library or a restaurant. Anything that has a set end time. If she tries to come over before the event say that you are busy and you are looking forward to seeing her at what you planned. The children are not allowed to be alone with her or go to her house for the time being. Both you and your husband go with your child and meet mother in law wherever you decide to meet. That way there is nothing said that your husband cannot hear.

 

I had TERRIBLE in-laws with my ex husband. The solution was to meet them somewhere away from out respective homes and also invite this cousin or aunt who was liked by all -- they were all on their best behavior because the cousin or aunt was there, too. And then we all went home. It was not long enough of a visit for anyone to start behaving badly and then they could not say i was refusing to see them, either.

 

If mother in law changes or husband starts getting a back bone, you can change things.

 

What happened to me is that my ex had no backbone. He would yell at them sometimes but always caved in because he wanted them to stop complaining or acting up. If you forbid her from seeing the kids, and your husband does not -- mother in law will try to cause a rift between you and husband. Because if you just say "you have a three month break from seeing the kids" - husband will say something different when he talks to his mom - blaming you for being unreasonable and would not be united with you

 

Yes my problem is that husband doesn't have a back bone. Even tho therapist offer him solid advise I don't think he follow through.

[Redpea]

Great suggestions abitbroken.

 

I can understand how not allowing grandma near the children or to see her son, would be a real problem. Allowing her to see them out in a restaurant or park, etc still let's her see them but with no chance of her behaving badly.

Most people behave themselves much more with others around.

 

I too agree that husband needs to step up. He needs to set his mother straight and tell her that she stops her antics and terrible behaviors or she can stay away..and mean it!!

He has allowed her to go too far already.

 

He told me last night that he talked to his mom and ask mil to stop contact me in any form and his mom replied: I am just trying to help. Then he said he disengaged the converaation bcz his mom is mad already. I love him but oh man wht he is so afraid of his mom!!!

[Redpea]

I dunno..putting the two together in the same sentence and the daughter even holding her nose, is a pretty big coincidence.

 

I would say that's not accidental and grandma has said it more than once.

 

Grandma was also telling the husband that the other grandma was weird, etc. It's not difficult to see that she has a problem.

 

I have the same thought on this one.

[Wiseman2]

Ok then the issue isn't the mil and using your kids to punish her is nonsense. It's always sad when a married couple who have resentments keep doing what they are doing and making matters worse, but to hold things together...everyone else, especially kids become collateral damage in their unspoken unresolved war. The dysfunction starts with you and your husband. Sadly everyone is pointing fingers and looking for pawns and scapegoats. You also are participating in this by demonizing the mil and withholding the kids.

Yes my problem is that husband doesn't have a back bone. Even tho therapist offer him solid advise I don't think he follow through.

[itsallgrand]

I was going to ask what led you two to see a therapist together? It seems like there is much more to this than the MIL.

[Redpea]

Ok then the issue isn't the mil and using your kids to punish her is nonsense. It's always sad when a married couple who have resentments keep doing what they are doing and making matters worse, but to hold things together...everyone else, especially kids become collateral damage in their unspoken unresolved war. The dysfunction starts with you and your husband. Sadly everyone is pointing fingers and looking for pawns and scapegoats. You also are participating in this by demonizing the mil and withholding the kids.

 

No my husband and me are getting better with communication now and actually he just started to realize mil 2 faced actions through open talk. Mil would talk negatively towards me but then talk to husband say she is just trying to help as a mom. My solution used to be get mad at him and then we fight because I am mad that he would not stand up for me and then he would say his mom is doing things for good intentions.

But last night he told me he talked to his mom to back off which is a big progress. We are just working on how to make the visits suit the best into our schedule and set boundaries now.

And if the therapist is suggesting us to cut mil out then there is a reason . I didn't stop the kids see her even after the therapist said mil has no reason to see my kids just bcz I grew up in a perfectly healthy family and part of my good memories was spending time with my grandparents. I will carry those good memories for the rest of my life and it's part of who I am.

Husband's family is a bit different. His parents divorced when he was young and his mom quickly married someone with money, his mom and dad hates each other. His mom doesn't get alone with her siblings they fight constantly even on holidays. I could get this list going on and on and on... my kids would pick up swearing words really fast after hangout with his family for couple hours. And I don't like that.

I just hope mil could learn that seeing the kids is not entitled and respect that we have our own life.

[Redpea]

I was going to ask what led you two to see a therapist together? It seems like there is much more to this than the MIL.

 

Over the 4 years we never even have to fight on anything as a married couple but after last big fight I started to realize that every fight we had it involved a third pary: his mom. So I told him we need to go counselling and sort things out see what's the problem. We went and realize that part of it is our communication problem and the other part is his mom so the therapist told us to cut her out and start to set boundaries. We are doing much better on communication now but husband still have the problem of expressing his own feeling .

[Redpea]

Ok then the issue isn't the mil and using your kids to punish her is nonsense. It's always sad when a married couple who have resentments keep doing what they are doing and making matters worse, but to hold things together...everyone else, especially kids become collateral damage in their unspoken unresolved war. The dysfunction starts with you and your husband. Sadly everyone is pointing fingers and looking for pawns and scapegoats. You also are participating in this by demonizing the mil and withholding the kids.

I think you had a point there ! Part of me do blame on husband for not resolving the conflict in the right way. If he did put his mom in place for the first time then non of this would have happen. But I understand that it's hard for him just because the way he was raised up , his mom was controlling and he was the child that can ignore his moms texts behaviors or whatever but not dare to express it out loud. He did put his moms bf in place when mil bf attacked me and threat me so its obvious that its not that he doesnt stand up for me , the hard part is that its his mom. he was avoiding the problems until things escalated and suddenly had a explosion. I have been writing down how many positive things that happened in my life everyday so that I don't waste energy on negatives. But does it hurt to get message from mil blaming me for everything and humiliate me in public, yes of course. We are going to set boundaries and then the plan is to print it out ask mil out to public and discuss it . My husband was having a concerns over it, he said his mom is going to have a fit on this boundaries because that's just his mom . She has been refused to realize her own fault for the past and want to rugsweep things that happened.

[Redpea]

In a perfect world the son takes a stand to defend his family and firmly checks his own mother.

But that doesn't always happen.

They often take baby steps and make gentle innuendos and hope that neither women in his life become upset with him.

 

I had a difficult MIL and though our issues were different, I too waiting the first 3 years for my then husband to stand next to me and defend me. I was constantly disappointed.

 

It happened by accident but my MIL dropped by unexpected and wanted to scold me for leaving a family function the day before without telling anyone. Something was said, it got back to me and I took our then 3 month old son and left. I had enough.

 

She was self righteous and I received a verbal spanking and was warned that if I `listened to here-say and gossip I would never make it in this family'.

 

I really didn't have much of spine back then but I listened to her quietly and then asked her if she was done. From there I was firm and respectful, told her of the facts and my personal experiences. She basically left with her tail between her legs. I don't think she saw that coming. To be fair, neither did I.

 

We still all got together as a family, but she avoided me for about 2 years. Somewhere along the way she started to come around and the last dozen years of my marriage I can honestly say she liked me. Most importantly, she respected me.

 

I don't believe that would have ever happened had I not spoken up, defending myself and instead waited for her son to do it.

 

Thank you. Firm and respectful is what I need !!! No if I don't speak up for myself then my mil would name my second child. She named my first one and think it's right. No!!!

[Redpea]

Therapist is correct. Your MIL is causing damage, you need to protect yourself and your family from that.

 

I told husband if our marriage is a human body his mom keep attacking one of our leg, can we still walk as fast as we used to. I think he gets it now. I am glad he starts to understand things better but still needs improvement.

[Redpea]

Does it not bother you at all to know that she is teaching your children that as Asians they stink and they're grandparents stink, etc?

 

What kind of effect do you think that is going to be when your kids grow up and realize what their own grandma actually thinks of Asians.

 

How do you feel knowing she sees you as less than due to you being Asian?

 

It does bother me and her behavior is not acceptable. That's why I don't think she deserves to spend time with my kids if she is racist. My kids are half Asian. And another point is that she sees them just to see them! She refused to take my daughter to gymnastic or skating and expressed that she is not interested. She would spend time with my daughter like take her get groceries, watch TV , but not too much of learning experience

[reinventmyself]

It does bother me and her behavior is not acceptable. That's why I don't think she deserves to spend time with my kids if she is racist. My kids are half Asian. And another point is that she sees them just to see them! She refused to take my daughter to gymnastic or skating and expressed that she is not interested. She would spend time with my daughter like take her get groceries, watch TV , but not too much of learning experience

 

Well, you are kind of splitting hairs here.

If you want to be heard and understood, choose your battles wisely.

Unless it's harmful for the child, dictating exactly how they spend their time together will get you no where.