Liveless mariage?

[randomc]

Hi thanks again for all your suggestions.

 

On the dating thing I have to say we live closer to her family and I feel somewhat of a boundary or withheld to ask her family for help when the purpose is just recreation. I do not trust paid babysitters, I've read to many horrible stories. But maybe I should get over my holding back on asking her family.

 

As for the dating, prior to the kids I planned most of the dates. Though a lot of things came up spontaneously, having kids kind of takes that away.

 

As for the my eldest which does not really sleep well. According to articles I read this is normal around this age. The reason why I'm not any firmer is that the bedroom is on the same floor and if our eldest whines or has a tantrum he will further deprive my wife and youngest of their sleep. So I take him with my to the upper floor. We don't intend to make this a new standard, but my wife is already a bit sleepdeprived. We thus intend to wait until we have a week off to get it right.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear all this. It sad that it's gotten to the point of each of you arguing, threatening divorce and progressively becoming this resentful and estranged.

 

At least you've identified that the stress and conflict may involve adjusting to having kids and differences in beliefs about finances, domestic workloads, time management surrounding that and parenting styles.

 

Yes, look into help from family, friends and childcare/babysitting to ease things up, get some adult time and decompress. Also look into the support groups run by local colleges, hospitals, faith based groups etc. for parenting and marriages, if therapy per se is too expensive. With accurate and appropriate assessment and resolution of the strain/stress you can salvage things.

As far as the divorce part, we have both considered it in the recent past.

-we hardly had any fights prior to the kids. now we have two kids and it's gotten turbulent again.

[Batya33]

Hi thanks again for all your suggestions.

 

On the dating thing I have to say we live closer to her family and I feel somewhat of a boundary or withheld to ask her family for help when the purpose is just recreation. I do not trust paid babysitters, I've read to many horrible stories. But maybe I should get over my holding back on asking her family.

 

As for the dating, prior to the kids I planned most of the dates. Though a lot of things came up spontaneously, having kids kind of takes that away.

 

As for the my eldest which does not really sleep well. According to articles I read this is normal around this age. The reason why I'm not any firmer is that the bedroom is on the same floor and if our eldest whines or has a tantrum he will further deprive my wife and youngest of their sleep. So I take him with my to the upper floor. We don't intend to make this a new standard, but my wife is already a bit sleepdeprived. We thus intend to wait until we have a week off to get it right.

 

I would check Weissbluth's book on sleep training/controlled crying as an alternative to the habits you are encouraging in the children and you not getting sleep at a result. Some children are just not good sleepers and in your case this sounds like more of you facilitating them getting up in hte middle of the night -you might have a few nights of sleep deprivation but when they get that night is for sleeping (unless they are sick or truly had a nightmare -you will know!) and get what the structure and routine is it likely will decrease the situation you described. I loved Weissbluth's book for this -Healthy Sleep Habits. I met babysitters I trusted by seeing them at playgrounds with the kids they were caring for over time, then talking to the parents if needed. I never used a sitter regularly. Why not offer to pay/compensate family for helping you with a date night - and you can explain to them it's not just for fun but for married alone time which your family needs. I paid a relative to be my regular mother's helper over two summers -worked great.

[Lester]

"Do you think there is a way to recover from this...?"

- It depends on what the issue is.

 

If a poorly executed dating/discovery period led to a trapped marriage: unlikely.

If a mental image of herself led to distancing: yes.

If she has, or is fantasying about a boyfriend: maybe, but very hard.

If simple neglect: yes.

 

Which do you think it may be?

 

Btw,

It's human nature to think I can just do this or that and it will all be better tomorrow. (Flip the switch.)

A great marriage requires work, and no one marriage is the same as another.

 

While it may not be your problem, start reading "If only he knew" By Gary Smalley. Never let her see this book.

 

 

PS, Most pay-to-play counselors make their living not saving marriages. (It's simply not in their best interest.)

[randomc]

"Do you think there is a way to recover from this...?"

- It depends on what the issue is.

 

If a poorly executed dating/discovery period led to a trapped marriage: unlikely.

If a mental image of herself led to distancing: yes.

If she has, or is fantasying about a boyfriend: maybe, but very hard.

If simple neglect: yes.

 

Which do you think it may be?

 

Btw,

It's human nature to think I can just do this or that and it will all be better tomorrow. (Flip the switch.)

A great marriage requires work, and no one marriage is the same as another.

 

While it may not be your problem, start reading "If only he knew" By Gary Smalley. Never let her see this book.

 

 

PS, Most pay-to-play counselors make their living not saving marriages. (It's simply not in their best interest.)

 

No we knew each other 5 years before getting married. And we had grown really fond of each other, went through a lot of ups and downs. (Mostly downs).

 

Fantasizing about a boyfriend, not at all she doesn't feel much at all. Nor do we exactly have the time for an affair or something. We both work our buts off in the workplace and with the kids. In the weekends we're always together.

 

Mental image of ourselves very much so. That much should've been clear from the previous posts. We're both trapped in roles and neglect our relationship. We also have fights and it affects the self-esteem. Also my wife doesn't feel attractive after an uneasy labor and still breastfeeding.

 

Coming from a history with psychologists I feel reluctant to look for therapy especially because it can cost a lot. I feel we will get to hear things we both already know. We both have an academic background and should be able to grasp the concepts without therapy. On the other hand, we let it get this far so we're not really in control anymore. I have very mixed feelings, as does my wife.

 

I found this topic gave me some insights and some really good suggestions. And I will also look into the literature that was suggested. Though I don't think the irregular sleeping of our son is something to worry about at this time. We will try to modify this behavior when we have a few days off, so we can compensate for the lack of sleep.

[boltnrun]

My friend had her husband sleep in the guest room when their child insisted on sleeping in the marital bed.

 

A divorce soon followed. No couple can maintain intimacy when they spend all their time separately.

 

I see you making a lot of excuses why you "can't" have alone time, attend therapy or have date night.

 

Do you want a divorce? If not, stop making excuses and start taking action. Seriously.

[ThatwasThen]

My friend had her husband sleep in the guest room when their child insisted on sleeping in the marital bed.

 

A divorce soon followed. No couple can maintain intimacy when they spend all their time separately.

 

I see you making a lot of excuses why you "can't" have alone time, attend therapy or have date night.

 

Do you want a divorce? If not, stop making excuses and start taking action. Seriously.

^^^ This ^^^