NC during my vacation,should I contact him now that I'm back?

[h0000]

If he had an agenda from the beginning then he entered this with a mind of playing me, it's appalling and unbelievable to be honest. Isnt he afraid Im crazy and would knock on his door or worse, call his work??

[bluecastle]

Can I ask how old you guys are?

[h0000]

In our 30s

[katrina1980]

If he had an agenda from the beginning then he entered this with a mind of playing me, it's appalling and unbelievable to be honest. Isnt he afraid Im crazy and would knock on his door or worse, call his work??

 

Who knows but if you did, I highly doubt it would be the first time a woman did that.

 

In fact when a man ghosts like this, regardless of whether or not he was intentionally playing you, that is the chance he takes..

 

I would not advise it, but guys like this can drive even the sanest girl absolutely nuts.

[h0000]

When he ignored my text I said to him "if you aren't keen anymore just let me know, all good" but he quickly said I was silly and he was keen. At that time I thought I was overthinking. Now I feel he probably just doesn't like rejection, he prefers to reject me. It explains his ghosting act now. So If that's the case I don't feel like sending him another text.

Also he knows when Im back. I guess if he is interested, he can text me. It's his turn now after all 🤣

[katrina1980]

Just me, but given everything you posted, including his "jokes," I seriously would not wait for him to contact you.

 

I would presume it's done and proceed to move on. In fact, at this point, I would want it to be done!

 

Continue meeting and dating other guys, IF he ever shows up again, see how you feel then, not forgetting how you feel right now at this moment.

 

And if you choose to continue seeing him, you'd be risking feeling this way again.

 

Cause if he can disappear/ghost you like this once, he'll do it again. Could almost guarantee it.

 

You willing to risk that?

 

 

 

.

[bluecastle]

Okay, I'm going to backpedal a bit.

 

This from a dude in his 30s? Boring. You simply deserve better. You're a 30something queen—too good to be analyzing the negative space between text messages.

 

His little "jokey" toe step stuff—um, leave him to it. That's a dude who still wants to be "dangerous"—which can be cute and hot, in ways, for maybe six weeks.

 

Still, if you want to text him to stop the spins—go for it. You can handle silence—you're strong. And if you get something else, something more—well, my suspicion is you'd find that you're the one wanting to fade sooner that later. But, you being you, you'd do it with grace and integrity.

[SoulTaker]

Just me, but given everything you posted, including his "jokes," I seriously would not wait for him to contact you.

 

I would presume it's done and proceed to move on. In fact, at this point, I would want it to be done!

 

I agree with Katrina. Op, too many times when it comes to dating, people will go on what a person tells them, and not what they do. Sarcastic jokes, sleeping with someone before really knowing them (6 weeks is not enough time to know someone), going NC,....

 

You now have enough info to decide whether to deal with this man. Forget about contacting him (you've done that). What are you going to do if he contacts you (for more sex)? You turned this into a casual situation, which is how he's treating it. Being "exclusive" means nothing (just words). Do you trust this man based on his actions?

[h0000]

Im not sure how I turned this into a casual situation though? I don't think if I waited 3 months to have sex it would change anything. Dont think it would magically make him want to stick around because I won't give him sex..I'm pretty sure he would still ghost. I'd rather he ghost after 6 weeks then 3 months to be honest..

Im not hoping he'd" come back ". If he doesn't text me within a week he'd be dead too me. If he texted me soon asking if i'm back, i will reply and see his explanation, then decide if they make any sense at all

But honestly I don't think he will text me any time soon lol

[h0000]

Still, if you want to text him to stop the spins—go for it. You can handle silence—you're strong. And if you get something else, something more—well, my suspicion is you'd find that you're the one wanting to fade sooner that later. But, you being you, you'd do it with grace and integrity.

I guess the spin may continue for just a bit longer, it's the aftermath of being ghosted after all lol

Yeah I can handle the silence I suppose, if i text him.

He said he'd whatsapp me, but I told him just use text cuz I likely can't use whatsapp. This is the only excuse I can accept, for him not replying: that he tired to reply on whatsapp, but realized i couldn't use it.

10% chance this is the case. But i'm not pining my hope on it.

[bluecastle]

Just want to say that I disagree that you "turned it" into a casual situation—and the last thing you should feel an once of shame about is having sex with him at whatever pace you did. I hope, for you, that the sex was good and fun. Because whatever happens, that is real, was real, and we're all humans with human desires.

 

Dating is dating: putting yourself out there a bit, feeling it out, seeing where it can go, or not. Through hanging, through talking, through sex.

 

What he's shown you at this point is that—at best—he's kind of "casual" right now. The little jokes—those are the jokes of someone "scared" to be serious. The not responding to a text—if he's not ghosting, it's just kind of lame. Maybe not someone you want to keep dating and/or sleeping with.

 

And I get that part of the confusion is that it's clashing with some of his earlier behavior, and some of your own hopes and projections that earlier behavior triggered. Which does suck. Some spins. You can handle them. Again, that's dating, you know?

 

Bottom line: you sound really awesome. If this guy is causing you to question your awesomeness—well, no.

[SoulTaker]

Im not sure how I turned this into a casual situation though? I don't think if I waited 3 months to have sex it would change anything. Dont think it would magically make him want to stick around because I won't give him sex..I'm pretty sure he would still ghost. I'd rather he ghost after 6 weeks then 3 months to be honest..

Im not hoping he'd" come back ". If he doesn't text me within a week he'd be dead too me. If he texted me soon asking if i'm back, i will reply and see his explanation, then decide if they make any sense at all

But honestly I don't think he will text me any time soon lol

 

So, you're saying that it makes no difference whether you're around someone for 1 month, as opposed to 3 months. I don't think so. You don't know what he would have done if you've held out longer, so let's not play the assumption game. As for an explanation, you don't know him well enough to know if it's the truth.

 

I'm not trying to give you a hard time. As for the sex part, you didn't state which week you slept with him. This looks like a casual hookup for him.

[h0000]

Im saying no it doesn't make any difference whether 1 month or 3 if he was only after sex. Because he'd either stop trying and disappear after a month, or he'd keep trying till I give in, then disappear after 3 month. The first one is more likely.

I don't think if I keep withholding sex, it can turn him from a player to a nice boy.. oh I wish it was this simple lol

If you must know, I think I had sex with him on the 5th date or so, it was the 2nd week.

[h0000]

I had someone ghosting me after 3 months ( well not exactly ghosting, he did leave me one message saying hes going back to his ex, and poof, gone)

And with my ex, I had sex with him on the 2nd week too and he stayed for 3 years. I once jokingly said " should have made you waited longer" and he said" I'd be seriously asking why if you still aren't willing to have sex with me after 5 dates "

[SoulTaker]

Im saying no it doesn't make any difference whether 1 month or 3 if he was only after sex. Because he'd either stop trying and disappear after a month, or he'd keep trying till I give in, then disappear after 3 month. The first one is more likely.

I don't think if I keep withholding sex, it can turn him from a player to a nice boy.. oh I wish it was this simple lol

If you must know, I think I had sex with him on the 5th date or so, it was the 2nd week.

 

It's what I thought (2 weeks). It's not about withholding sex, but knowing who you're dealing with (stranger). It doesn't make a difference whether you were with someone who stayed for 3 years. I would have certain thoughts if I was with a woman who wanted to jump into bed after only 2 weeks with a stranger.

 

Just like many women would have certain thoughts on a man who pushes sex right from the start. If this is how you date, then so be it. I'll leave it at that. Good to see you respond back to the posters.

[catfeeder]

Im saying no it doesn't make any difference whether 1 month or 3 if he was only after sex. Because he'd either stop trying and disappear after a month, or he'd keep trying till I give in, then disappear after 3 month. The first one is more likely.

I don't think if I keep withholding sex, it can turn him from a player to a nice boy.. oh I wish it was this simple lol

If you must know, I think I had sex with him on the 5th date or so, it was the 2nd week.

 

Like you, I don't think of waiting to have sex as being about a certain period of time. But I did decide years ago that casual sex isn't for me. Not because of appearances or fears about judgment, but because of bonding.

 

I know myself well enough to know that I bond emotionally when I have sex. So I learned that it's really-really important for me to take the time to get to know someone well enough to learn who, exactly, I'll want to bond WITH.

 

Of course, this screens out players and users, because those guys won't stick around to get to know someone without sex. I do explain on date one that I'm relationship material. I'm dating to hopefully find someone who's a good match for a committed relationship someday. I'll ask my date whether he views himself that way, too.

 

I guess you can call this the opposite of sleeping first, asking questions later. If a guy is not clear about where he stands on seeking a relationship, then he might be the best person on earth--we're just not a match.

 

Taking the time to learn where I stand with someone--and where I WANT to stand--before getting sexual prevents me from what I call for myself, 'going stupid'. And the good news is, if someone doesn't want to date long enough to learn about one another on a human level, then it's nobody's loss. That does my screening FOR me.

 

Head high, and allow wrong matches to pass early.

[h0000]

I did once bond with a guy for 3 months and he still left me all of a sudden, and that hurt a lot more than this one.

I just don't think you can avoid ghosters these days. My friend had her BF ghost her. They were in a relationship for Chris sake.

 

And the longer you see someone, the more attached you will be, no? Sex doesnt matter, at least not to me. I don't get attached after sex. I get attached after the quality time i spend with them. So if he was a player I rather not invest 3 bloody months in him, only to get more and more attracted lol

My point is even if I didn't have sex with him I'd still be this upset that he ghosted me after 6 weeks. And I'd be more upset if he ghosted me after 3 months.

[figureitout23]

“ Treat then mean, keep them keen.”

 

I died laughing. 😂

 

But seriously, while his little comments were odd, until you actually open the lines of communication and call him it’s kinda hard to make a hard line decision that he’s ghosting you.

 

That line though... all joking aside it’s pretty manipulative. A dude on a dating site messaged me and so I clicked on his profile and his tag line was something like “ I don’t trust any of you women you don’t know how to act” or something crazy like that so i responded to him saying you know your tag line is very offputting and he responded saying that how he has to treat women because when you treat them right they don’t want you. I politely blocked him after that. I already said this earlier but I seriously avoid men with women/mommy issues and if he thinks treating women wrong is how you date, you’re going to be in for trouble. So bullet dodged? I think so!

[katrina1980]

His "jokes" -- yeah agree they stem from fear as another poster said (I think bluecastle). And immaturity.

 

That's pretty much where any sort of commitment issues, intimacy issues, abusive behaviour and other crazy-making behaviour stem from. FEAR.

 

It's no excuse! And disagree h0000 should reach out. This is where many women go wrong imo. Thinking they can somehow "help" him.

 

Not her job to fix or help him work through. He's an adult. Let him work out himself!

 

She needs to take care of herself. She can try to understand from a distance so she knows the signs and how to avoid with the next guy.

 

Move on from this one h0000, seriously.

 

His behaviour is crazy making and very hurtful.

 

Block him if you can.

[Wiseman2]

Don't throw away a budding relationship because of texting. He sounds like an immature smartass. That's the reason to pull the plug, not texting.

I need to text him if I want an answer.

-The night before I left he said" see you in 2 weeks, or maybe you wont find me anymore".

-he laughs and says "I'm joking silly! I just like to wind you up".

[katrina1980]

delete.......

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Just delete this dude. He sounds immature and silly.

delete.......

[h0000]

He mentioned his dad is rather irresponsible, and he hopes to not be the same. But maybe it's in the DNA.

Earlier today I suddenly thought that if he lost his phone and is waiting for me to contact him lol, but I didn't.

[katrina1980]

 

He mentioned his dad is rather irresponsible, and he hopes to not be the same. But maybe it's in the DNA.

 

Earlier today I suddenly thought that if he lost his phone and is waiting for me to contact him lol, but I didn't.

 

 

I'm glad you tossed this theory out, cause it makes no sense.

 

How could he expect or be waiting for you to contact him if he lost his phone, send smoke signals or something?

 

Does he not know where you live?

 

h0000, it's been too long, please let it go. You're wasting energy trying to figure this out.

 

It doesn't sound like he gives a sh**, sorry. :(

[katrina1980]

h0000, don't be surprised if he pops up again, next week, month, year telling you he did not know you were back and blaming you for not letting him know.

 

I hope you don't fall for it cause it's only a matter of time before he suddenly disappears again.

 

I get these hot/cold, off/on relationships can be compelling but they will literally drive you crazy eventually.

 

Had an old friend who went through this for seven years with a guy - he would disappear for a while, return, disappear, rinse repeat.

 

She always blamed herself which was ludicrous!

 

Anyway after seven years of this craziness, he never returned after which she had a breakdown, it all just became too much.

 

So you've been warned, and re his father, as they say the apple often doesn't fall too far from the tree.

 

Hope you feel better soon.