My ex’s mom called me.

[IAmFCA]

This.

 

Easier said than done, of course.

 

My theory, for what it's worth, is that sometimes we're drawn to dark people when we're in a dark place. And sometimes—well, at least in my experience, especially when I was around your age—we need to wade into some darkness, get lost for a bit, get beat up a bit, in order to find our own light.

 

You've seen some darkness, I know, much of it (like me) out of your control. Childhood stuff that rears its head in adulthood. Can't choose our parents, can't control how they treat us, and so on. And you're working through that—with plenty of grace and introspection, it's clear. That's your own light coming through, and it's precious.

 

And it can make it really, really hard not to want to step in when we see others in the dark. Instead of saying "Oh well" we say "What can we do?" And even: "Did I somehow do this?"

 

But, really, we can't do anything and "Oh well," simple as those words are, is really the only path in a situation like this. It's the way we keep our own light from dimming, how we teach ourselves to stop finding false comfort in darkness—seeking it ourselves, seeking others who are drawn to it as opposed to seeking those who allow us to shine brighter.

 

So, again, wish her well in your head and heart (your light) and let her walk whatever path she needs while doing the same for yourself (protecting that light).

 

This is the most beautiful post I have read in a while.

[bluecastle]

This is the most beautiful post I have read in a while.

 

Thank you, thank you.

[Zenon1267]

Thank you, thank you.

 

Very great post man. I know that I need to let it go and move on. Honestly even if she came to me and said all the I was wrongs and I miss yous. Even with the work I’m trying to put in myself. It couldn’t wouldn’t work. I couldn’t allow myself in that situation again. That’s what sucks about it, I know there’s no coming back from it. I knew it 3 months ago as well I just didn’t want to believe it then. Can’t run away from the obvious I need to be a man.

 

Wanting the reality of it to be different. I need to keep myself in the present moment and stop fantasizing about her possibly coming back just to validate me. In the end it wouldn’t matter if she did or didn’t. I Need to break that cycle and stop giving a crap about what other people think of me. It’s so odd seeing someone destroy themselves(IMO) someone you truly loved and cared about immensely.

 

I’ll bring myself back to the oh wells. I feel as if I kinda dodged a nuclear tipped bullet. Maybe I’m lucky that I was able to see my errors of the relationship. I know I’ll be better than I was before. My ego and validation from her has to go.

 

My mom and sister told me today that she’s gonna come running back to me. Excuse my mother IK she’s wrong for saying that stuff she’s very odd.

It fills me up with hot air and makes me fantasize that moment. Then it’s back to the oh well it wouldn’t matter anyway. In the end it’s about me. Fantasizing about that BS only means I still want validation. That has to stop.

[Wiseman2]

Sadly she seems to keep getting into abusive relationships and just bounces around from one to the next.

 

Perhaps it's having a mother who is so totally clueless and has her head in so far the clouds that she calls one bf to talk about another. Rather than have intelligent supportive communication with her own daughter or seek out appropriate help if indeed she thought the daughter was actually in peril.

 

The mother seems rather manipulative and dramatic more so than helpful. It's time to block her and all her friends, family people from all your messaging apps and social media. Unless of course you are hoping mama's concerns about this abusive relationship will bring her back to you.

stop fantasizing about her possibly coming back just to validate me. My mom and sister told me today that she’s gonna come running back to me.

[Zenon1267]

I get that and have done it.

 

Let me ask a different question to you guys.

 

Do you guys believe that in order to truly be self sufficient and happy in yourself that you first need to be alone for a while and learn those things by yourself? Clearly with my past and troubles working on myself and my future should be my thought process, correct?

 

I’ve heard that over time being single will help you get over the past and will teach you how to be happy within yourself.

 

I believe this does anyone else does? Should this be my mindset in my life right now? Never really been single in my adult life. I keep telling myself idc what anyone thinks hoping that someday it’ll become true. Helps my confidence that.

 

Honestly Not being in a relationship scares me. Me saying that I know that’s not the right way to live. Basically should I just stay single until I’m not scared anymore. Also should I not pursue casual relationships? Recently slept with this one girl last weekend for the first time since my relationship ended. Didn’t make me feel better but I liked it so yeah.

[abitbroken]

I get that and have done it.

 

Let me ask a different question to you guys.

 

Do you guys believe that in order to truly be self sufficient and happy in yourself that you first need to be alone for a while and learn those things by yourself? Clearly with my past and troubles working on myself and my future should be my thought process, correct?

 

I’ve heard that over time being single will help you get over the past and will teach you how to be happy within yourself.

 

I believe this does anyone else does? Should this be my mindset in my life right now? Never really been single in my adult life. I keep telling myself idc what anyone thinks hoping that someday it’ll become true. Helps my confidence that.

 

Honestly Not being in a relationship scares me. Me saying that I know that’s not the right way to live. Basically should I just stay single until I’m not scared anymore. Also should I not pursue casual relationships? Recently slept with this one girl last weekend for the first time since my relationship ended. Didn’t make me feel better but I liked it so yeah.

 

If you have a history of choosing losers and abusers - yes, you should not be in a relationship for awhile - so that when you are ready you don't just accept the first that comes along because you are lonely -- you can be very discerning. No, you should not pursue casual relationships right now. friendships, yes, go out with male friends, family of either gender to movies, local events, etc.

Figure out what makes you tick, new hobbies, things you like to do.

 

people have different ideas of casual relationships - casual to some is unattached sex. to me, casual is occasionally asking someone out when you have an extra ticket to something - having activity partners of the opposite sex - seeing a movie now and then with someone. Right now, you don't want to do casual of either type because the other person might get invested and then you will feel obligated to get into another relationship.

[boltnrun]

Nothing wrong with casual dating (and sex) if both parties are OK with it and you use protection (condoms) so your future girlfriend/wife will not be exposed to STDs.

 

And what is so frightening to you about not having a girlfriend? What calamity do you think will beset you if you don't have a woman you can call "girlfriend"?

[abitbroken]

Nothing wrong with casual dating (and sex) if both parties are OK with it and you use protection (condoms) so your future girlfriend/wife will not be exposed to STDs.

 

And what is so frightening to you about not having a girlfriend? What calamity do you think will beset you if you don't have a woman you can call "girlfriend"?

 

But in this case, where the OP is afraid to not be in a relationship -- i advise against all "psuedorelationships" as well until the OP is cool with being solo.

[Zenon1267]

Nothing wrong with casual dating (and sex) if both parties are OK with it and you use protection (condoms) so your future girlfriend/wife will not be exposed to STDs.

 

And what is so frightening to you about not having a girlfriend? What calamity do you think will beset you if you don't have a woman you can call "girlfriend"?

 

Abitbroken makes a fair point. I kinda just get sucked into somethings after sex. Like not feelings but wanting more of it from a person not trying to get to sexual here but also giving it to a person.

 

I don’t know I guess I feel like if I don’t have one I’ll be alone. I guess I’m scared of being alone or lonely. Validation issues there right? That’s why I should stay single so I can figure that out right? Makes sense to me. I need to be a man. Knowing that I have the urge to have a relationship makes me feel unattractive and I hate that.

 

True happiness lies within yeah. I got to find that.

I’m not gonna pursue but I won’t deny someone who is interested in me if I like them I guess.

 

Safe sex very good advice esp after a long term relationship.

 

Working on clearing that baggage from my old relationship. Feels good knowing one day I’ll be over this completely.

[abitbroken]

Abitbroken makes a fair point. I kinda just get sucked into somethings after sex. Like not feelings but wanting more of it from a person not trying to get to sexual here but also giving it to a person.

 

I don’t know I guess I feel like if I don’t have one I’ll be alone. I guess I’m scared of being alone or lonely. Validation issues there right? That’s why I should stay single so I can figure that out right? Makes sense to me. I need to be a man. Knowing that I have the urge to have a relationship makes me feel unattractive and I hate that.

 

True happiness lies within yeah. I got to find that.

I’m not gonna pursue but I won’t deny someone who is interested in me if I like them I guess.

 

Safe sex very good advice esp after a long term relationship.

 

Working on clearing that baggage from my old relationship. Feels good knowing one day I’ll be over this completely.

 

But look at all what you can do NOT in a relationship - if you wanted to switch careers - take classes, go on a trip with a buddy, etc, or go on a trip with your whole family - you can do that. you don't have to discuss it to make sure it fits in with their expectations. And if you can be alone, you will be stronger in a relationship because you aren't choosing just the next woman who comes along no matter if they are right or not. you can pass over women who is perfectly fine, but whose life is going in another direction than yours, women who are not emotionally available, etc....