IAmFCA Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 "We implemented all the tools: tell me three things you are grateful for today. Or, Let's sing that hymn together before sleeping. " My son is almost 10 -for about the last 5-6 years we do the following every night before bed -we say a humanistic blessing (it's a blessing someone gave me in writing and I say humanistic because it is non-religious no mention of god -we are a religious family but I just loved the wording of this blessing) and we go over the three good things that happened that day -big or small or tiny. Some days it is hard to find three!! I am all for resilience and independence - a friend recommended The Blessing of a Skinned Knee - great book for that -and I also recommend How to Talk so Kids Will Listen -never too early to read that. We have not done well with the resilience/independence thing and at the same time I will offer this tip which I think IamFCA gave as well. When your angel is tantruming/meltdown - if you are indoors especially and need to stay indoors -pick that time to have child help you with a task that requires physical energy but also a careful approach. So that is when I say to child in a no nonsense way -and normal volume of voice "ok - come with me-we're going to put away your clean laundry now" -and using that same voice and tone I will say - ok remember pants go in third drawer, underwear in bottom etc. When I first tried that it felt a little crazy -wouldn't a melt down child just throw everything around? Or worse? But if you pretend like you're cool, pulled together, and there is work to be done, so often they will follow suit -and get their energy out in a positive way. Also something else I read -maybe by Janet Lansbury who I love - do not let your child's emotions drag you down - if they are sad/mad/frustrated that's ok - you don't have to go there with them. Don't mock them for their feelings but you don't' need to feel sad too. And your composure/positivity might help the child get recentered. Love these pointers, Batya. When your son grows up, I wonder if he will soothe himself by putting things in order. That is a nice benefit from your coping/transition exercise. Nice! The bolded part... my forever challenge. Sometimes, I succeed. Sometimes, I lose my patience and my energy. It is a boundary issue, really. I have spent so much energy studying my little lab rats that now one twitch of a whisker and my instincts spring into action. I am learning to stay in my emotional space, and give them room to feel whatever they want to feel. They have not ever asked for more room, but I sometimes wish I weren't so sensitive to them. It is a new skill, for sure. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Love these pointers, Batya. When your son grows up, I wonder if he will soothe himself by putting things in order. That is a nice benefit from your coping/transition exercise. Nice! The bolded part... my forever challenge. Sometimes, I succeed. Sometimes, I lose my patience and my energy. It is a boundary issue, really. I have spent so much energy studying my little lab rats that now one twitch of a whisker and my instincts spring into action. I am learning to stay in my emotional space, and give them room to feel whatever they want to feel. They have not ever asked for more room, but I sometimes wish I weren't so sensitive to them. It is a new skill, for sure. Yes! I just liked that tip about emotions -easier said than done! It's funny -my sense was not for him to put things "in order" while mad but rather to get his physical energy out by opening and closing drawers and putting things away which also takes purposeful energy. His drawers are not that orderly! I actually do soothe myself by "angry cleaning" sometimes! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Yes! I just liked that tip about emotions -easier said than done! It's funny -my sense was not for him to put things "in order" while mad but rather to get his physical energy out by opening and closing drawers and putting things away which also takes purposeful energy. His drawers are not that orderly! I actually do soothe myself by "angry cleaning" sometimes! Its funny how my intentions and their take-aways diverge. Ensuring my two learned from one another and became a mutually supportive team definitely did not mean the youngest would spend years making breakfast for the oldest... but she did and nothing I could do would change it. Oldest now out of the nest and proud of her ability to make eggs. Really? Eggs? Its about time! lol Link to comment
mylolita Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 IAmFCA, Thank you for taking the time out to write that response! Wow, there is a lot of golden advice in there and again, did you struggle and yet come through it all and even sounded like you remained positive through your ordeals? A huge lot of respect to you there because my dear, that is no mean feat. You sound like a mother and a half for what you have done for your children through hard times and good. You have got this is a fantastic mantra and a very uplifting one, thank you - I'll be taking that with me. Today I feel a whole new wave of better and I am in a upward and forward mood! I think your advice has cheered me right up and spurred me on! Batya - thank you also for your input. I am less of a reader when it comes to advice for my children and only have one book on the matter which I close, older friend gave me. It is a very old fashioned book, a classic though, especially in British culture. It was wrote originally in the 40s by a paediatrician called Doctor Benjamin Spock and it's title is 'On Baby and Child-rearing' sounds very old-fashioned but it has much advice that all still holds true today. I only scoured through it when I was pregnant but since having little B, I have gone back to it time and time again for support. I find his voice very calm, rational and reassuring. His mantra which was unusual at the time was to mothers - "You know more than you think". Lo x Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Hahahaha Dr Spock was around when Batya and I were born. It was the premier baby raising book. I remember my mom had it . He was a hit in North America too. Link to comment
mylolita Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 Hahahaha Dr Spock was around when Batya and I were born. It was the premier baby raising book. I remember my mom had it . He was a hit in North America too. LOL! Seraphim! Oooohhh I do love a good bit of advice from the Spockenator! Lo x Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 LOL! Seraphim! Oooohhh I do love a good bit of advice from the Spockenator! Lo x It is scary to think about but I was born 21 years after WWII ended. My dad was born Sept45 and my mom March 46. And I was born when my mom was 20 years old so ..... but scary to think about that the second world war is part of my generational reference . Still sang war songs when I was at school. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 It is scary to think about but I was born 21 years after WWII ended. My dad was born Sept45 and my mom March 46. And I was born when my mom was 20 years old so ..... but scary to think about that the second world war is part of my generational reference . Still sang war songs when I was at school. Same here! Except my parents were born in the 30s and I was born in the mid 60s. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 IAmFCA, Thank you for taking the time out to write that response! Wow, there is a lot of golden advice in there and again, did you struggle and yet come through it all and even sounded like you remained positive through your ordeals? A huge lot of respect to you there because my dear, that is no mean feat. You sound like a mother and a half for what you have done for your children through hard times and good. You have got this is a fantastic mantra and a very uplifting one, thank you - I'll be taking that with me. Today I feel a whole new wave of better and I am in a upward and forward mood! I think your advice has cheered me right up and spurred me on! Batya - thank you also for your input. I am less of a reader when it comes to advice for my children and only have one book on the matter which I close, older friend gave me. It is a very old fashioned book, a classic though, especially in British culture. It was wrote originally in the 40s by a paediatrician called Doctor Benjamin Spock and it's title is 'On Baby and Child-rearing' sounds very old-fashioned but it has much advice that all still holds true today. I only scoured through it when I was pregnant but since having little B, I have gone back to it time and time again for support. I find his voice very calm, rational and reassuring. His mantra which was unusual at the time was to mothers - "You know more than you think". Lo x Yes- my mother read Dr. Spock. Dr. Brazelton is old school too and Louise Bates Ames does an old school series called "Your Three Year Old" and "your Four Year Old" etc. Also love love love Supernanny for all of this and you can find episodes on youtube. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 My parents were 1920s, I am 1960s vintage. Dr. Brazelton's 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 books -- they were my everything. They were spot on, and helped shape my approach to parenting in fundamental ways, and much for the better. Grateful for his books! Dr. Spock didn't quit fit, for me; parenting is so personal! Most impactful: understanding brain development and emotional development, very very powerful and directly applicable to how I interacted with mine as they grew. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Parenting books were never of much use to me having a child with a developmental disability we just went with what worked for him . Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Parenting books were never of much use to me having a child with a developmental disability we just went with what worked for him . I appreciate how much responsibility you carried on your shoulders. An experience I imagine as all encompassing, exhausting, depleting, overwhelming, empowering, enriching experience. The options ahead of you now... very challenging, again. Maybe you do try to stay put, to protect your business and be close to your son. If you could sustain the business from a distance, then maybe that is worth considering, but I guess its YOU that people buy, if you will. Tough decisions ahead. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 My neighbor has quads. And even then, she watches my eldest in the morning for a bit for the bus to get them to school. And she works full-time now. But I know plenty of moms with two little kids, including myself. I think the only way to survive was just be a robot till they get time at pre-school. Pretty much it!!!! But if you plan to be a SAHM, join FB Mom groups, meetup MOM groups. You need armed MOMMY forces! And a good lock on your bathroom door (you'll get this later on). Congrats! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 I appreciate how much responsibility you carried on your shoulders. An experience I imagine as all encompassing, exhausting, depleting, overwhelming, empowering, enriching experience. The options ahead of you now... very challenging, again. Maybe you do try to stay put, to protect your business and be close to your son. If you could sustain the business from a distance, then maybe that is worth considering, but I guess its YOU that people buy, if you will. Tough decisions ahead. Thanks. ❤️ It is the first time in 30 years my life has been about me to ANY extent. Unfortunately, I would have to start my business over again where I go. If I end up in Quebec though they have $7 a day daycare centres so why would anyone pay homecare ? Ya know? If we stay in Ontario I can start again. A pain in the azz but I can. But preserving my son’s benefits is paramount. My husband said , “ I would even dig ditches in Northern Ont even though I am a highly qualified avonics technician just to keep my son’s benefits. But, yeah, I AM the brand. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 If I end up in Quebec though they have $7 a day daycare centres so why would anyone pay homecare $7 a day daycares????? God, US sucks! I pay $19,626 USD a year just for daycare / pre-school & aftercare, and that doesn't include summer camps which take on another $6,500. US hates moms right down to body shaming for breastfeeding in public. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 $7 a day daycares????? God, US sucks! I pay $19,626 USD a year just for daycare / pre-school & aftercare, and that doesn't include summer camps which take on another $6,500. US hates moms right down to body shaming for breastfeeding in public. Yes, but do you want to pay 30% income tax to pay for the social services even if you don’t use them? Because even if you don’t have children in Quebec you’re still paying for somebody else’s daycare . Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Yes, but do you want to pay 30% income tax to pay for the social services even if you don’t use them? Because even if you don’t have children in Quebec you’re still paying for somebody else’s daycare . I pay 35% in taxes already, and don't get any social services. And that doesn't include healthcare either. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 I pay 35% in taxes already, and don't get any social services. And that doesn't include healthcare either. Other provinces don’t have that kind of childcare though only Quebec. Here in Ontario you can pay up past $75 a day. Link to comment
mylolita Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 Ladies, this conversation on childcare costs and summer camps is having my head spinning, I can't believe the amount! Jesus! On the tax front I can sympathise, the UK is even worse, especially business owners. My husband runs a small business and we pay just over 59% tax. Can you believe that. That's why whenever I go into town and see someone begging on the street, who I know has a house paid for, by us, the tax payer, and receives benefits, heating paid for, and water paid for, by us, the tax payer - that is why when they say "Do you have any spare change?" I can hardly look them in the eye. These benefits are also why the UK is on its knees in debt and also why everyone is flocking to be here, illegal or not. But that's another story for another day! Seraphim - I know nothing of your story darling. I take it you have a son who needs special care? Can I ask further details and how on earth you managed that? You are above a Saint. Lo x Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 My son is Autistic and has 4 learning disabilities . He has a lot of executive functioning issues, anxiety, extremely extremely poor working memory and severe fine motor Dyspraxia , I.e. he can’t tie shoes ,he can’t shave and he has an extremely hard time with written expression . However, he did pass high school with honours and did two years of college . But the psychologist said there’s possibly 99% chance he will never work due to anxiety and the lack of accommodation in society . My son is 21 but he collects a disability pension . Most likely he will always live at home . And he will always need some kind of support , ( someone to help him with daily functioning ) Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 $7 a day daycares????? God, US sucks! I pay $19,626 USD a year just for daycare / pre-school & aftercare, and that doesn't include summer camps which take on another $6,500. US hates moms right down to body shaming for breastfeeding in public. I haven't had that experience in the least. We love being parents and it's a very hard job. Luckily I felt supported when I couldn't nurse. My sister nursed four children. Great experience for her. My experience was a bit unusual because I knew from early on that I wanted to be home full time for at least a few years. So for about 10 years before giving birth and getting married I started preparing financially in case whoever I ended up marrying couldn't be the sole provider for longer than maternity leave. As it turned out he could but I contributed to the family income for the 7 years I was home from my nest egg because I wanted to. Then I returned to work part time. For the first 7 years we paid for private part time preschool and private pre-k and some summer camp starting when he was 4. No daycare, nanny or sitters. Now we pay for an after school program twice a week because of my part time job. I realize in many cases in the U.S. both parents have to work. I think there are upsides and downsides to countries providing more maternity leave as far as how that affects taxes etc but I have no direct experience since I've lived in the U.S. my whole life. I think it's a whole other situation for single parents of course -I'm just referring to a two-parent family. I'm really glad I spent so many years planning financially for my dream to be at home for a longer time than the 3 month leave. I would encourage others to do that if they asked me! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 I brought a breast pump to work. Closed door or used a conference room, and made phone calls. lol Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 I brought a breast pump to work. Closed door or used a conference room, and made phone calls. lol Yes- I pumped for the short time I tried to nurse - got very very little. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 Yes- I pumped for the short time I tried to nurse - got very very little. So frustrating. I still am recovering from those nursing consultants who accost mothers after delivery, trying to attach newborns in the most imposing and aggressive manner. Blech. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 So frustrating. I still am recovering from those nursing consultants who accost mothers after delivery, trying to attach newborns in the most imposing and aggressive manner. Blech. For me it was the opposite -not enough support in the hospital. After 12 days I developed a scary medical condition and the meds made me afraid to nurse (meaning to pass to the milk) so between that and not being able to nurse I "gave up". Link to comment
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