jenberry Posted January 15, 2019 Author Share Posted January 15, 2019 Thank you Annia. Yes, the more I consider it, the more I realise he knows exactly what he's doing. To say 'I'll be free early next week' and not to be in touch further...he knows I will be anticipating hearing from him. I have a text prepared for when he gets in touch. Namely, 'Hey, I’m out tonight so if you could leave on my doorstep, that’d be great.' If he refuses or says that it would be best we meet, I'll say 'I thought so too initially, but have since decided otherwise. So, if you could leave them on my doorstep, I’d appreciate it. If you’d rather not, that’s ok.' Easy, breezy, non-committal, not tied to any outcome or any further communication. I realise that the receipt of gifts should be extremely simple, but this has dragged on for several weeks so it clearly IS more than a simple exchange to him, an ego trip most likely. He lives a 7 minute drive from my house so I am fairly sure he's not too busy for that. It really is a head f*ck. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 Thank you Wiseman. I work from home (another reason why it is isolating here without my bf, I very much relied on him for company!) so can work from near enough anywhere. As a result, I am planning to move in the summer time, around June when my contract runs out here. I am already looking at specific areas close to my mum where I can live and have plenty of opportunities to meet people, make new friends. It's bittersweet. Try to shift around where you work. If noise is OK, go to various cafe's. If you need more quiet, there are so many co-working places. You'll at least be around people and not just completely alone and isolated. Even if you aren't talking to anyone, it can still create a sense of company and having people around you. If you go often enough, you'll start to meet others. Also, join meetup.com and see if any active groups or hobbies interest you and just start going. Another way to make friends and just add some interest and variety in your life doing different things. If you start making your life more varied and fulfilling on its own, you'll find that you are less reliant on a bf and less vulnerable to jerks. Link to comment
jenberry Posted January 15, 2019 Author Share Posted January 15, 2019 So very true Dancing Fool! I am signing up to a coworking space for February onwards. It is expensive but I think the benefits of being around likeminded people (they also arrange a lot of evening activities) will outweigh the cost, and make me feel less isolated and yes, less vulnerable to jerks. Also signing up to groups...I have a meditation group tonight which should be nice, with a bunch of other people. I think as long as I get out every day and realise on a deeper level that there are billions of people in the world and endless opportunities to have kind people in my life, I will stop incessantly checking my phone and any kind of ties to one rather incompetent human being. Thank you Link to comment
jenberry Posted January 17, 2019 Author Share Posted January 17, 2019 Still nothing. I'm being ghosted. I thought I'd hang on to give him the benefit of the doubt since he was so adamant he wanted to remain friends and that he still loved me, but I've heard nothing more about these blasted gifts or his intention to give them to me. Every time I check my phone and see he's not written to me, it's another stab to the heart. I don't want the gifts and even if he offered them, I wouldn't want to meet up with him, but I do want him to reach out and make contact. He's not who I thought he was and it hurts so much. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 Please block his number so you will no longer have to experience the pain of checking your phone and finding nothing from him. And remember, that's what he really has to give you...nothing. Link to comment
jenberry Posted January 17, 2019 Author Share Posted January 17, 2019 You're so right Boltnrun but I do worry that blocking his number means it'll be on my phone freely for me to unblock at any time (currently don't have his number stored). And I know I will unblock it. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 You're so right Boltnrun but I do worry that blocking his number means it'll be on my phone freely for me to unblock at any time (currently don't have his number stored). And I know I will unblock it. Those are excuses. You still want him to be able to contact you if he chooses to. Somewhere inside you, are you still "hoping"? Link to comment
jenberry Posted January 17, 2019 Author Share Posted January 17, 2019 Those are excuses. You still want him to be able to contact you if he chooses to. Somewhere inside you, are you still "hoping"? Not hoping to get back with him, no. He is emotionally unavailable and treated me unkindly. I guess hope in the sense that I hope he messages me so the three years we spent together and everything we went through is honoured. I'm giving him a chance not to be a d*ck and to be kind. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 Not hoping to get back with him, no. He is emotionally unavailable and treated me unkindly. I guess hope in the sense that I hope he messages me so the three years we spent together and everything we went through is honoured. I'm giving him a chance not to be a d*ck and to be kind. But he has shown you multiple times that he is not going to be a decent guy and treat you the way you should be treated. He didn't "honor" you while you were together so why would he do so now that you're not? All you're really doing is giving him more chances to be cruel to you. I would explore why you would want to expose yourself to more of his poor treatment. The REAL reasons. Link to comment
jenberry Posted January 17, 2019 Author Share Posted January 17, 2019 But he has shown you multiple times that he is not going to be a decent guy and treat you the way you should be treated. He didn't "honor" you while you were together so why would he do so now that you're not? All you're really doing is giving him more chances to be cruel to you. I would explore why you would want to expose yourself to more of his poor treatment. The REAL reasons. Thank you Bolt for exploring this with me. I feel pretty pathetic. My dad left when I was little and I remember crying for him and feeling this way. He never contacted me again. I feel like that same little girl just now, hoping and giving him every opportunity to be different and to re-write this story, but I know it doesn't work that way. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 Not hoping to get back with him, no. He is emotionally unavailable and treated me unkindly. I guess hope in the sense that I hope he messages me so the three years we spent together and everything we went through is honoured. I'm giving him a chance not to be a d*ck and to be kind. Ouch.....don't you see that you are the one creating this story and hurting yourself with these ideas of honoring/dishonoring? It's the story you are telling yourself. Can't even blame him on this one. The reality is that you two broke up and the moment that you did, you stopped owing each other anything at all. He maybe wanted to see you again, maybe now he changed his mind, maybe he had gifts, maybe not - it doesn't matter. There is no honor or dishonor in any of this. Change your story to "it's over and my life is better without him" and go live that better life. Also, stop making excuses for not blocking him. Just do it and free yourself from this mess you are creating for yourself. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 I understand because my dad was/is a deadbeat. But I chose to walk away from him as soon as I became a legal adult because I knew he had nothing positive to add to my life. Trying to "fix" your relationship with your dad by clinging to a man who seems to be like him isn't going to make things better. It makes them worse. How about keeping the numbers in your phone of the people who ARE kind to you and who DO add positives to your life? Keep in touch with the ones who have shown they care about you. Not the guy who has made it blindingly clear that you are not someone he wants to be nice to. I promise, when you choose to take the positive step of removing him from your life you will (after the initial panic) start to feel much less anxious and the pain will ease. Link to comment
jenberry Posted January 17, 2019 Author Share Posted January 17, 2019 Thanks Dancing fool, you're totally right. I'm really not helping myself here. Thank you for telling it like it is. Tough love helps just now because I'm just in a pool of pity. Bolt, I'm sorry you also had a rubbish father. You made the right decision by walking away from him. I read that people who had a parent who was neglectful/ unable to meet their emotional needs, often replicate these relationships in adulthood without being aware of it, staying in situations that are toxic WAAAAY longer than they should. This was me, and this is something I really need to look at. I need to very consciously look after myself above all else because I have a tendency to put everyone else's needs above my own. You're right. I should not be contactable to this person. I will block him and start to move on with the healing. Thank you. xxx Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 Still nothing. I'm being ghosted. I thought I'd hang on to give him the benefit of the doubt since he was so adamant he wanted to remain friends and that he still loved me, but I've heard nothing more about these blasted gifts or his intention to give them to me. Every time I check my phone and see he's not written to me, it's another stab to the heart. I don't want the gifts and even if he offered them, I wouldn't want to meet up with him, but I do want him to reach out and make contact. He's not who I thought he was and it hurts so much. You gotta believe the words youre saying on these boards girl. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 So, did you follow through with blocking him? If so, good for you. That's a positive step. Link to comment
jenberry Posted January 18, 2019 Author Share Posted January 18, 2019 So, did you follow through with blocking him? If so, good for you. That's a positive step. I haven't but I've ordered a new telephone number so he will be unable to contact me. Also a good way to delete several other people from my life. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 I haven't but I've ordered a new telephone number so he will be unable to contact me. Also a good way to delete several other people from my life. That's even better. Now, stop looking at his LinkedIn! You do know that every time someone looks at someone else's LinkedIn profile, the profile owner gets a notification...right? Unless that was your intention... And, no letters! That would be yet another way to give him "one more chance" to "honor" your relationship, which you know he isn't going to do. Tough love, but right now the only one hurting you...is you. Link to comment
jenberry Posted January 18, 2019 Author Share Posted January 18, 2019 No, I only looked at his LinkedIn to block him and a couple of his friends. I wouldn't have otherwise. I am feeling stronger, wiser today. Realising I have outsourced my self-worth to a tw*t and realising I have to set tighter boundaries and take accountability for myself and how I feel about my life. I know he is incapable of being an adult so I expect nothing from him. Long may this last. xxx Link to comment
jenberry Posted January 18, 2019 Author Share Posted January 18, 2019 And so, at almost midnight on Friday night, I get a text from him saying 'are you free this weekend so I can drop the gifts off?' I haven't responded. Please help. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 If you changed your number how did that happen? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 ^ That was my next question... Link to comment
bluecastle Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 Well, what I'd say is you respond with what is really your truth: that you've come to see there's no need for a gift exchange, or further communication, and that you wish him well. That said, how are you feeling? What do you want? Be honest—no judgement. Link to comment
Enn Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 My advice - for what it's worth - radio silence. You are still (understandably) too bothered by any of his responses...and whatever you say you'll be doubting yourself and agonising and then - when his response is crap/manipulative again, sapped of energy. Good God he is so not worth it! Honestly - whether you want him back or don't want him back (you DON'T, but you are still too close to the situation to realise that, and ANY contact takes you back into that zone) the only way to respond to someone who has messed you around like this is by being silent. You falling off the face of the earth is the only way to make him respect you. Stick to your guns missus, you're doing great! (DON'T reply!) Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 You'll say yes, he will promise to get back to you with a day and time, he won't, you'll be up all night stressing, you'll be checking your phone repeatedly feeling stabs of pain every time you check and there is no message from him, and presto! Right back at Day One of the breakup. OR, you get all dolled up in your new dress planning to wow him and he either doesn't even notice, or he DOES notice and suggests you two spend some time at his place hanging out "as "friends", he convinces you to sleep with him by using pretty words and implied promises of a future, then he ghosts you and presto! You are back to Day One of the breakup. Why would you even consider allowing him to do that to you? You do know the only reason he contacted you is to make sure he can still get you to leap all over his messages...right? Link to comment
bluecastle Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 Just a quick hats off to bolt and Enn. Yes, everything they said. Link to comment
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