Hollyj Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 To answer your question, I would run as far as I could from this guy. He is not husband, or bf material, as you have seen. At least your kids have not been exposed to this. Link to comment
nyghts628 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 You never had any intention of using your degree? What a waste. Who pays for this education? Who supports your children? I think there are so many red flags here! Do you believe he will suddenly morph into a monogamous partner? Yeesh, Hollyj, you're on the Assumption Express Train today, LOL! 1. Of course I use my degrees... in the business that I'm running on a day to day basis, in the freelance work that I do, and more. But having education in itself is incredibly precious and special, even if one isn't making money off it. Intellectual capital is valuable in and of itself, don't you think? So many people the world over don't have this opportunity; I am going to use my own opportunities to the fullest. 2. I get a LOT of scholarships. My education has been paid for my entire life through scholarships, fellowships, residencies, and benefactors because I'm hardworking, intelligent, and competitive. (Not to toot my own horn, but you asked!) I don't for a second take my privileges and good fortune for granted. For a while, I worked my way through college in many service and retail jobs where the patrons turned their noses down on me; I did that at night while going to school during the day, until I got a full scholarship that took me through undergrad, then into a PhD program (where I earned my masters and then left), and then to another masters program; all fully funded through a combination of fellowships and teaching positions at University. 3. *I* take care of my child, and I am fortunate enough that she has a great father to chip in. 4. Re the red flags: hence the "wait and see". ::shrug:: If he doesn't, then I'll move on. Link to comment
nyghts628 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 To answer your question, I would run as far as I could from this guy. He is not husband, or bf material, as you have seen. At least your kids have not been exposed to this. Thanks for your insight! Link to comment
nyghts628 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 I think you should focus on you and your choices. This is a part of the problem. Which choices are you talking about? I haven't made any yet. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 I could never marry for just money. Women should know how to make their own. Amen!!!!!!!!! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 Yeesh, Hollyj, you're on the Assumption Express Train today, LOL! 1. Of course I use my degrees... in the business that I'm running on a day to day basis, in the freelance work that I do, and more. But having education in itself is incredibly precious and special, even if one isn't making money off it. Intellectual capital is valuable in and of itself, don't you think? So many people the world over don't have this opportunity; I am going to use my own opportunities to the fullest. 2. I get a LOT of scholarships. My education has been paid for my entire life through scholarships, fellowships, residencies, and benefactors because I'm hardworking, intelligent, and competitive. (Not to toot my own horn, but you asked!) I don't for a second take my privileges and good fortune for granted. For a while, I worked my way through college in many service and retail jobs where the patrons turned their noses down on me; I did that at night while going to school during the day, until I got a full scholarship that took me through undergrad, then into a PhD program (where I earned my masters and then left), and then to another masters program; all fully funded through a combination of fellowships and teaching positions at University. 3. *I* take care of my child, and I am fortunate enough that she has a great father to chip in. 4. Re the red flags: hence the "wait and see". ::shrug:: If he doesn't, then I'll move on. I think it is fantastic to be educated. The fact that you have never had to pay for your education makes me jealous. Kudos to you! Link to comment
nyghts628 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 Amen!!!!!!!!! Lol! To each her own, right? Link to comment
nyghts628 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 I think it is fantastic to be educated. The fact that you have never had to pay for your education makes me jealous. Kudos to you! Thanks so much! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 Which choices are you talking about? I haven't made any yet. I think about men in general. It is disturbing to hear that you do not know of any men who are monogamous. For me, it is the opposite. I think that your attitude would be different if you had a different view of men. Your future partner sounds more like a business deal, not a marriage. I think that that is sad. I do think you can do much better than this guy, and I think that you have to consider the impact on your child if you do marry. His shenanigans will impact the household and this is terrible for your kid. Link to comment
nyghts628 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 I think about men in general. It is disturbing to hear that you do not know of any men who are monogamous. For me, it is the opposite. I think that your attitude would be different if you had a different view of men. Your future partner sounds more like a business deal, not a marriage. I think that that is sad. I do think you can do much better than this guy, and I think that you have to consider the impact on your child if you do marry. His shenanigans will impact the household and this is terrible for your kid. I also regret that I didn't grow up with exposure to better men. It's not something I can change; my life hasn't been ideal in that regard, but I've done the work to take the parts of my life I *can* control (my education, my business drive, etc) and knock those things out of the park. I just don't know how to change my view until I actually meet men who are faithful. (And I mean I need to meet a LOT of them... not just a handful in a sea of cheaters.) When that happens, my views will change. In the meantime, I'm going to stick to the reality that I can't control anyone except myself (even if I DO meet a monogamous man, I still can't control what might happen or what decisions he might make in the future), and as such, I'm going to base long term decisions on the things that will benefit me in the long term. Especially when it comes to marriage. Re: your comments generally, it's all good advice, so thank you. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 I think that you need to react when find someone of that character. If I meet someone new an they share this type of info to me, I will not continues a friend, as I do not respect them. This includes people who lie and gossip. You need not to be tolerant of this behavior. Listen, there are a lot of good people out there, and I believe them to be the majority, but you must set YOUR requirements much higher. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 I was not raised with a good example either . My dad was an abuser and a cheater. I was sexually abused by several men as a kid and drugged and raped at 19. I met my husband when I was 22. He made me believe in men again plus I have a naturally optimist nature. 5 years later we got married. This year we have been together 30 years and married almost 25. Without a doubt it was love that has kept us together. I wanted my child when I had him to witness love and devotion and a good marriage, not what I got. Now my son is 21 and he knows what that looks like. I hope one day you find renewed faith and the happiest of relationships. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 But you can control who you date This is a choice - one you can control Link to comment
nyghts628 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 I think that you need to react when find someone of that character. If I meet someone new an they share this type of info to me, I will not continues a friend, as I do not respect them. This includes people who lie and gossip. You need not to be tolerant of this behavior. Listen, there are a lot of good people out there, and I believe them to be the majority, but you must set YOUR requirements much higher. I get what you're saying, but I don't think that ethically non-monogamous people are inherently bad at all. That's not only fallacious, but it's also a bit too black and white for me, ironically enough. As for folks who are *legitimately* immoral, re: liars and cheaters and abusers, I agree with you. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 You're right! You cannot change people, but you can be more selective. You are smart, driven and have a lot going for you. You should expect more from a partner. This guy has already told you who he is, you need to understand why you would accept so little. This has to do with low self esteem. You deserve better!!!! I too, used to choose the wrong people. I was the common denominator. My ex was my epiphany relationship. Our values could not have been more opposite- i chose partners that were not suitable or sustainable, due to my own trust issues- it ended as he had commitment issues. I was heartbroken, but it finally brought me to a place where I had to do some self=examination. Wow! it was life changing. I am very grateful for that relationship, as I changed every aspect of my life, most especially, when it comes to men. I now listen to what people say, and not what I think they are saying. There are other signs: fast forwarding, proclaiming love early, drama etc... which are now a COMPLETE TURNOFF as I know that these guys are a waste of time. Does any of this sound familiar? I now value who I am, and know what I deserve, and I will NEVER settle for any less, as I would rather be alone. Lastly, I am sure your a great mom, but always remember you are her role model, and she sees everything. I think you also need to ask yourself if you would be happy for her to choose the same type of man for herself? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 I get what you're saying, but I don't think that ethically non-monogamous people are inherently bad at all. That's not only fallacious, but it's also a bit too black and white for me, ironically enough. As for folks who are *legitimately* immoral, re: liars and cheaters and abusers, I agree with you. For me, cheating is a deal breaker. If you are cool with it, then that is fine. I think that you should revisit the title of your thread. Link to comment
nyghts628 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 But you can control who you date This is a choice - one you can control You're absolutely right! Except I like the man I'm dating. That in itself was never the question. But I get your point. Link to comment
nyghts628 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 Thanks, all. I'm not sure that I agree with you that i have low self-esteem, just because I'm doing a "wait and see" with someone who loves me and just popped the question to me. HE said he's willing to give marriage/monogamy a try, not me. So I guess everything will be revealed in time? I've been proposed to three times in my life, so if I wanted to be married just to feel good about myself, I could have had that three times over. Holding out this long for a partner that's right for me is the ultimate form of self-esteem, imo. With each one, I did a "wait and see", and I ultimately decided not to go forward with the engagement. Actually... I think I just answered my own OP question, LOL! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 Thanks, all. I'm not sure that I agree with you that i have low self-esteem, just because I'm doing a "wait and see" with someone who loves me and just popped the question to me. HE said he's willing to give marriage/monogamy a try, not me. So I guess everything will be revealed in time? I've been proposed to three times in my life, so if I wanted to be married just to feel good about myself, I could have had that three times over. Holding out this long for a partner that's right for me is the ultimate form of self-esteem, imo. With each one, I did a "wait and see", and I ultimately decided not to go forward with the engagement. Actually... I think I just answered my own OP question, LOL! The self esteem bit was not limited to this thread, but your overall view of men and other comments. Good luck! Happy New Year! Link to comment
SherrySher Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 You have all these degrees and are so called smart and yet can't see that this guys a loser who didn't want you, he forfeited when his other plans didn't come through. (Cause I am sure he had someone else on the line). He let you sit on your own during the holidays while he ran around. He pretends to only want you but had told you this entire time that he wants/needs more than one woman...and you think he's worth your spit? I dunno...... Link to comment
nyghts628 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 You have all these degrees and are so called smart and yet can't see that this guys a loser who didn't want you, he forfeited when his other plans didn't come through. (Cause I am sure he had someone else on the line). He let you sit on your own during the holidays while he ran around. He pretends to only want you but had told you this entire time that he wants/needs more than one woman...and you think he's worth your spit? I dunno...... Man, you are *really* harsh. And I think you're jumping to conclusions about him and what he was up to, but ok. If it makes you feel better to tear me down, then go ahead, I guess... Link to comment
SherrySher Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 Your tune has changed...seriously...a few days ago, you were being reasonable and could see that this grandpa playboy wanna be was a waste of time. Your title on this post even showed how messed up it all was and you knew it was. Now you're singing his praises? You're meant to be a smart woman, are you lonely or something? I just can't understand why you could see what a goof this man was/is and now you're defending him. You can go ahead and continue on with your "love" but don't be shocked when he shows you who he really is and you won't be enough or he cheats or runs off again, too scared to be mature enough to commit. Link to comment
nyghts628 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 Your tune has changed...seriously...a few days ago, you were being reasonable and could see that this grandpa playboy wanna be was a waste of time. Your title on this post even showed how messed up it all was and you knew it was. Now you're singing his praises? You're meant to be a smart woman, are you lonely or something? I just can't understand why you could see what a goof this man was/is and now you're defending him. You can go ahead and continue on with your "love" but don't be shocked when he shows you who he really is and you won't be enough or he cheats or runs off again, too scared to be mature enough to commit. ??? I'm not singing his praises. I've been pretty consistent with my assessment of him and the situation at large EXCEPT for when folks on this thread start jumping to conclusions that aren't supported by any of the stated facts, OR when I get criticized for my lifestyle choices, OR when it's assumed I'm an idiot and suddenly have to list our my resumé, OR when folks start going in on him for his age, OR [include other irrelevant info and their associated attacks here]. He has a LOT of great qualities, and YES, absolutely some not great qualities, and I've outlined them pretty clearly. I'm not defending him, only myself when you guys start tearing at my flesh over things that have NOTHING to do with my original question. Taking potshots at who I am and my self-esteem, etc. I mean, I'm trying to be polite and open, but at some point, I do need to batten down the hatches and defend myself. If people could stay objective, and lay off the random ad hominems, I think we could have a more straight forward convo. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 I'll put it to you as simple as possible as to why you're receiving the replies you are. This guys a loser. Your parents know it and from even the small details your wrote on here, is enough for us to know he's a loser. It's mind blowing that you, being a smart woman, keep justifying and convincing yourself that he's worth it. It makes no sense. There really isn't a whole lot more to say than that. Link to comment
nyghts628 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 I'll put it to you as simple as possible as to why you're receiving the replies you are. This guys a loser. Your parents know it and from even the small details your wrote on here, is enough for us to know he's a loser. It's mind blowing that you, being a smart woman, keep justifying and convincing yourself that he's worth it. It makes no sense. There really isn't a whole lot more to say than that. That's fair. I appreciate your feedback. Link to comment
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