What do to?

[goddess]

That'd be pretty cheeky if anyone mentioned the checks not coming.

 

If someone does, I agree with the other posters, just say you didn't think it was appreciated as no one responded or thanked you.

 

Yes, it would, but I must say that you've all opened my eyes. I've put up with their rudeness for way too long. No more.

[goddess]

Thank you all for your responses. It's unanimous. I really appreciate it.

[figureitout23]

Thank you all for your responses. It's unanimous. I really appreciate it.

 

I know I’m late to the party but I felt I should give you a different perspective.

 

Giving isn’t supposed to come with strings. You give from your heart, not to get something in return. Maybe it’s a generational thing, When I was younger; I had a family member send a gift with a preaddressed, prestamped, evelope for me to send a thank you. Don’t give me something to get a response out of me, just call me on the phone! Much cheaper way to get an interaction going!

 

I think the reason why you are all of a sudden feeling some type of way is a direct result of the life changes you are currently experiencing going through your divorce, that’s why you mentioned it, how no one else picked up on that is interesting but I digress. Having been through a divorce I remember having to be mindful I didn’t outwardly manifest the storm that was going on inside. Wasn’t easy and I didn’t always succeed but I did try and I hope you begin to do the same.

 

At the end of the day I don’t think you no longer sending the money is that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but altering your relationships drastically while your life is in influx is something to be mindful of, imho.

 

At the end of the day it’s completely up to you.

[Wiseman2]

Happy New Year! 🎈🎆🎇✨🎉🎊

 

This is the most effective and most diplomatic approach. Your brother can't do much about it.

I should simply stop sending them cards and checks, or just send a card.

[goddess]

I know I’m late to the party but I felt I should give you a different perspective.

 

Giving isn’t supposed to come with strings. You give from your heart, not to get something in return. Maybe it’s a generational thing, When I was younger; I had a family member send a gift with a preaddressed, prestamped, evelope for me to send a thank you. Don’t give me something to get a response out of me, just call me on the phone! Much cheaper way to get an interaction going!

 

I think the reason why you are all of a sudden feeling some type of way is a direct result of the life changes you are currently experiencing going through your divorce, that’s why you mentioned it, how no one else picked up on that is interesting but I digress. Having been through a divorce I remember having to be mindful I didn’t outwardly manifest the storm that was going on inside. Wasn’t easy and I didn’t always succeed but I did try and I hope you begin to do the same.

 

At the end of the day I don’t think you no longer sending the money is that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but altering your relationships drastically while your life is in influx is something to be mindful of, imho.

 

At the end of the day it’s completely up to you.

 

Oh no, you're not late. I appreciate your feedback and I'm glad you answered. I cannot believe that someone would have the audacity to send you the preaddressed, prepaid envelope. I've never heard such a thing! OMG! I agree that giving isn't supposed to come with string - 100%. It gives me joy if I can do something that will make someone happy, and I have never expected anything in return, BUT, I do expect a thank you in some form. Children are taught at a very young age to thank someone for a compliment, gift, etc. I don't think saying thank you is all that hard, especially nowadays, and is common courtesy.

 

Actually, I've been stewing about their rudeness for at least 3 years now. And, you are right saying that it "is a direct result of the life changes you are currently experiencing... I've put up with enough BS and disrespect from my stbx. I've decided to not let anyone disrespect me from now on, as best I can, and I consider their actions, or lack thereof, to be disrespectful. I've learned my lesson. I will continue to send cards but no checks anymore. And, if it should ever come up via my brother or whomever, then I will explain it - just like one poster said. Thank you again and happy 2019.

[goddess]

Happy New Year! 🎈🎆🎇✨🎉🎊

 

This is the most effective and most diplomatic approach. Your brother can't do much about it.

 

Thank you for your kind wishes, Wiseman2. Happy New Year to you as well. Yes, I will continue to send them cards. I can live with that. I was thinking about telling my brother with the hope that he would bring it to their attention but I won't bother.

[Hollyj]

You are doing the right thing, Goddess!

 

Happy New Year!!!!

[goddess]

You are doing the right thing, Goddess!

 

Happy New Year!!!!

 

aww, thank you, Hollyj. Happy New Year to you as well. xx

[bluecastle]

Giving isn’t supposed to come with strings. You give from your heart, not to get something in return.

 

I think the reason why you are all of a sudden feeling some type of way is a direct result of the life changes you are currently experiencing going through your divorce, that’s why you mentioned it, how no one else picked up on that is interesting but I digress.

 

At the end of the day I don’t think you no longer sending the money is that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but altering your relationships drastically while your life is in influx is something to be mindful of, imho.

 

At the end of the day it’s completely up to you.

 

Chiming in late as well, but figureitout touched on where my mind went reading your first post.

 

It sounds like in the wake of your divorce you've been doing a lot of thinking about respect, a lot of reflecting on where you haven't been respected, where you put up with treatment you should not have put up with. Big hugs on that difficult journey. From your posts and threads here it's clear you're building a new inner foundation—stronger, fiercer, truer. Hard stuff, that. Awesome stuff as well.

 

Anyhow, it makes sense that as you process all that you're becoming more aware of how others haven't appreciated you as you deserve to be appreciated, making it harder to put up with behavior that you could once shrug off—like a lack of thank you note from some millennial relatives. Makes sense. Is healthy. And I like the idea of having a loving talk with your brother about it, so you can feel heard, stave off the resentment, and, who knows, maybe tweak the dynamic a bit moving forward.

 

For what it's worth, I have a near-lifelong inverse of this dilemma, with my father. He forgets most of my birthdays, rarely calls on holidays, rarely calls ever, unless he drinks the right amount for his sentimental streak to momentarily eclipse the deep inner ofwell shame that is his primary compass. That's been the case since I was a kid; I'm now 39. We've seen each other maybe 10 times in 25 years, and only when I make the effort. Bottom line is it just sucks. One of those damn forever wounds.

 

I've gone through angry phases (often extensions of larger angry/self-reckoning phases) where I want to "teach" him to be better, or "punish" him for being, well, who he is. And I've done this by going silent, not wishing him happy birthday, clumsily setting and resetting boundaries with an edge of retaliation.

 

Realized, at some point, that didn't feel so great. Just wasn't me, in the grand scheme. So I stopped approaching him with any hope of him treating me as I'd like him to, or how I feel people should treat each other. Not happening, not with his writing. But instead of mirroring this back at him, I treat him how I aim to treat all people, which is with love, acceptance, and forgiveness. I wish him happy birthday (because it's in my nature to remember and care) and merry Christmas (ditto) and when I think of him I let him know. There are no strings connected to these gestures—just the putting out of the energy I hope to receive, even if it won't come from him. And when the gestures become a bit too much on my spirit, I dial them back—just for my own health, not to make a point or get something from him.

 

Guess the moral is that family is family, one of those relationships (unlike an ex husband) that we can only change so much and can never really shed so much as learn to manage.

[goddess]

Chiming in late as well, but figureitout touched on where my mind went reading your first post.

 

It sounds like in the wake of your divorce you've been doing a lot of thinking about respect, a lot of reflecting on where you haven't been respected, where you put up with treatment you should not have put up with. Big hugs on that difficult journey. From your posts and threads here it's clear you're building a new inner foundation—stronger, fiercer, truer. Hard stuff, that. Awesome stuff as well.

 

Anyhow, it makes sense that as you process all that you're becoming more aware of how others haven't appreciated you as you deserve to be appreciated, making it harder to put up with behavior that you could once shrug off—like a lack of thank you note from some millennial relatives. Makes sense. Is healthy. And I like the idea of having a loving talk with your brother about it, so you can feel heard, stave off the resentment, and, who knows, maybe tweak the dynamic a bit moving forward.

 

For what it's worth, I have a near-lifelong inverse of this dilemma, with my father. He forgets most of my birthdays, rarely calls on holidays, rarely calls ever, unless he drinks the right amount for his sentimental streak to momentarily eclipse the deep inner ofwell shame that is his primary compass. That's been the case since I was a kid; I'm now 39. We've seen each other maybe 10 times in 25 years, and only when I make the effort. Bottom line is it just sucks. One of those damn forever wounds.

 

I've gone through angry phases (often extensions of larger angry/self-reckoning phases) where I want to "teach" him to be better, or "punish" him for being, well, who he is. And I've done this by going silent, not wishing him happy birthday, clumsily setting and resetting boundaries with an edge of retaliation.

 

Realized, at some point, that didn't feel so great. Just wasn't me, in the grand scheme. So I stopped approaching him with any hope of him treating me as I'd like him to, or how I feel people should treat each other. Not happening, not with his writing. But instead of mirroring this back at him, I treat him how I aim to treat all people, which is with love, acceptance, and forgiveness. I wish him happy birthday (because it's in my nature to remember and care) and merry Christmas (ditto) and when I think of him I let him know. There are no strings connected to these gestures—just the putting out of the energy I hope to receive, even if it won't come from him. And when the gestures become a bit too much on my spirit, I dial them back—just for my own health, not to make a point or get something from him.

 

Guess the moral is that family is family, one of those relationships (unlike an ex husband) that we can only change so much and can never really shed so much as learn to manage.

 

Oh my, I was so sad to read about you and your father. I am touched regarding how you rose above this unfortunate situation. Takes a really big person to do that. I guess some people are simply unable or unequipped to see how wrong or hurtful that have been, and may continue to be. I do understand your rationale and I very much admire you for it.

 

Right now, I just don't have the will or energy to discuss it with my brother. And, as nearly all the posters suggested, I should not tell my brother about it, and I agree with them. It's not worth it. I need to live with myself and be comfortable with what I do, so I will continue to send them a card but no check. I don't know if this is considered passive aggressive but whatever it is, it's OK with me now. Thanks for taking the time to answer; much appreciated. I hope your relationship with your father ameliorates to some degree but, if not, you know how to handle yourself beautifully. Warmest wishes for a wonderful 2019, bluecastle, and thank you for your feedback. xx