My ex left me for someone else/I deserved it

[figureitout23]

Also in agreement.

 

That said, there are some drastic lines between OP and Kate's bf. The former has his eyes open, is in therapy, and in the early stages of working through those issues. Where all that goes, only time knows. But I think it's a worthy path, and personally I find comfort in people who are willing to look their demons and mistakes in the eye and see about dismantling them.

 

Kate's bf, meanwhile, got a little burned by a woman once—a woman who, if I had to guess, probably felt burned herself in ways. Instead of searching for how he could evolve and improve and become a more caring lover, he joined a support group for men who blame women for every fire ever created, and in Kate (sorry to be blunt) has a foil for his rage under the label of gf.

 

As figureitout said, he will not change for you, Kate, as being with you rewards him, sends a signal to his brain that he is winning. And from what you've described in past posts I just don't see him changing for anyone. Introspection and humility are required for change, qualities he seems to have been immunized against through life. He does not sound like someone who wants a partner or even someone to love. He finds too much comfort in hate and rage for that, and will likely stay in that spot for a long time.

 

This.

 

OPer, sorry for any confusion I was not saying you and her boyfriend were the same. I was actually pointing out how you were different, because while you see the error in your ways and are hopefully mending yourself, like blue said, Kate, your boyfriend is simply being rewarded for his bad behavior.

[Sportster2005]

Thank you for sharing this story.

 

I'm optimistic for you. You have the courage and ability to look inward and own your stuff. You are also taking steps to make you a better you. You're young. There is a lot of time to turn things around. Some people go through life oblivious to the fact they are their own worst enemy.

 

Let her get on with her life. You get on with yours. This too shall pass.

[Zenon1267]

Also in agreement.

 

That said, there are some drastic lines between OP and Kate's bf. The former has his eyes open, is in therapy, and in the early stages of working through those issues. Where all that goes, only time knows. But I think it's a worthy path, and personally I find comfort in people who are willing to look their demons and mistakes in the eye and see about dismantling them.

 

Kate's bf, meanwhile, got a little burned by a woman once—a woman who, if I had to guess, probably felt burned herself in ways. Instead of searching for how he could evolve and improve and become a more caring lover, he joined a support group for men who blame women for every fire ever created, and in Kate (sorry to be blunt) has a foil for his rage under the label of gf.

 

As figureitout said, he will not change for you, Kate, as being with you rewards him, sends a signal to his brain that he is winning. And from what you've described in past posts I just don't see him changing for anyone. Introspection and humility are required for change, qualities he seems to have been immunized against through life. He does not sound like someone who wants a partner or even someone to love. He finds too much comfort in hate and rage for that, and will likely stay in that spot for a long time.

 

Sorry for not replying soon been busy at work. I got through our anniversary date and it was easier than I thought it would be. Tho I did kinda hoped she would contact me. I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed here lately. I’ve recognized so many issues about myself. So many things I need to work on and so many things edged into me from such a young age. My therapist is helping me but my anxiety and overall negative thinking and lack of self confidence makes me so overwhelmed. I know I need to change these things about myself but at least at the moment I’m what seems to be light years away. I guess overall I need to stay single and figure out who I am and find the confidence I’ve been searching for my whole life instead of finding it in other people. Dating is hard for me since I don’t really have that well of social skills. I’m not ugly or anything it’s just I’m shy and not confident in myself. Hopefully with practice I can get past that and become a man with a sense of self.

[Zenon1267]

This.

 

OPer, sorry for any confusion I was not saying you and her boyfriend were the same. I was actually pointing out how you were different, because while you see the error in your ways and are hopefully mending yourself, like blue said, Kate, your boyfriend is simply being rewarded for his bad behavior.

 

I knew what you meant. It’s all good. You are right in the end. Some people don’t care enough to change and I was one of them. I never realized how I was it’s dumb to say but I honestly didn’t realize how I made other people feel.

[Zenon1267]

Thank you for sharing this story.

 

I'm optimistic for you. You have the courage and ability to look inward and own your stuff. You are also taking steps to make you a better you. You're young. There is a lot of time to turn things around. Some people go through life oblivious to the fact they are their own worst enemy.

 

Let her get on with her life. You get on with yours. This too shall pass.

 

As hard as it is to let her go I am. So many things I realized about myself and all true negative things. It’s overwhelming at times. I think I can change but it seems so far away it’s kinda scary.

[Zenon1267]

Sometimes I still get mad because she left me

for someone else. Am I wrong for feeling this way? It confuses me.

[Sportster2005]

Sometimes I still get mad because she left me

for someone else. Am I wrong for feeling this way? It confuses me.

 

No, anger is a normal part of the grieving process. This too shall pass.

[Zenon1267]

No, anger is a normal part of the grieving process. This too shall pass.

 

Thank you it helps.

[bluecastle]

Sometimes I still get mad because she left me

for someone else. Am I wrong for feeling this way? It confuses me.

 

Totally normal, totally allowed. Just because you see all the ways you came up short doesn't mean you're not allowed to be angry at her behavior, whatever that behavior was. It's healthy, human, part of the process, a wave that will come and crash.

[Wiseman2]

Sadly she jumped right into another abusive relationship and now her mother is calling you.😕 The best thing you can do is get some short term therapy and insight into why this happened and tips on how to prevent it in the future. Regardless of her her mother the new guy whatever. Do it for your own future happiness.

Me male(22) and my ex female (21) . Through your our relationship I emotionally abused her and gaslighted her feelings. I began to take out my anger on my ex and get upset about the littlest things.

 

Around a year ago I got a new job where I couldn’t see her as much yet my abusive manipulative tendencies remained. Around this time I started to lose compassion for her it seems. Like her feelings didn’t matter and that only mine did.

[Zenon1267]

Sadly she jumped right into another abusive relationship and now her mother is calling you.😕 The best thing you can do is get some short term therapy and insight into why this happened and tips on how to prevent it in the future. Regardless of her her mother the new guy whatever. Do it for your own future happiness.

 

Yeah man. It makes me feel like a huge d**k. I’ve been in therapy and recently stopped going as much.

 

I don’t want to sound naive but I’m way better than that guy. I really hope she figures it out because I really didn’t want it to be this way with her. I cared about her deeply I just couldn’t see how I was at the time. Never again that’s for sure.

[notacreative]

Hey Austin, been reading on your thread and would like to hear an update from you!!! Going through the same situation as used to abused my ex boyfriend and am trying to get over the shame of labeling myself as an abuser and learning to let him go.

[Zenon1267]

Hey Austin, been reading on your thread and would like to hear an update from you!!! Going through the same situation as used to abused my ex boyfriend and am trying to get over the shame of labeling myself as an abuser and learning to let him go.

 

Hi, well lately everything has been going good. I haven’t spoken to my ex and I’ve been getting more use to the thought of what has happen. I’ve came to terms with all that’s happened really. Don’t get me wrong I miss things about my ex but I feel like the future is brighter and it’s kinda beautiful.

 

You really need to think about things. The things you did and why you’ve acted the way you have. What I feel is most important thing to do is just to really think about it and not try to escape it. Getting over it isn’t linear and I’m still getting over it. Of course it doesn’t hurt that much anymore.

 

Really feel your emotions. Don’t dwell in them tho. It’s like every day is 1% better when it comes to the thought of my ex. Accepting what I’ve done was really hard but I have but it’s not me now.

 

Listen most people on this website aren’t gonna give you good advice on abuse. Most will just haze you for what you’ve done and say you will repeat it and stress that you are an abuser. I’ve come to learn that abuse is such a touchy subject and most of the time people will judge based on some sort of personality problem such as narcissism.

 

It’s a battle within you and you will win it if you process them and even at times I think you should doubt them(thoughts) to better understand what you’re thinking and why you’ve done what you’ve done.

 

It’s important to understand that you’re human and you’ve made mistakes. We all have. Label yourself as a new person and let go of the person you once was. Do new things and don’t contact your ex for any reason.

 

Your ex wasn’t perfect. Make sure you remember the things you didn’t like. Maybe it bothered you so much at the time you felt justified in your actions. Also remember the things you did and carry it with you so you’ll know what you do like and must have in your next relationship.

 

It’s a hard hard lesson that I had to learn. In a perfect world we don’t lose the ones we love having to learn those lessons.

 

Feel it and feel it completely. Go to counseling but don’t go a lot... at some point counseling almost keeps you from moving forward. If you make the same mistake twice in another relationship then you do have a problem.

 

Focus on yourself. Feel your emotions. Don’t contact your ex ever again. It’s a new journey leave your old ways behind. You will make it. Wish your ex the best and forgive them as well.