Messy break up...now in N/C

[monkeynuts]

Hey all, I’m online as I have no where else to turn. I’ve pestered my family and friends and have gotten into such despair I’m not on anti depressants.

 

I’m a 32 year old male, my ex gf ended our two year relationship at the end of August. We were in the process of buying our first house together ( clearly it fell through once we ended )

 

Since our breakup it’s been one of the most hardest parts of my life I’ve had to endure. I never want to lose her or things to end. Maybe I was blind/naive to signs things weren’t right for a while. She seemed to lose interest in hanging out with me as much, started to have issues with what I did or said.

 

Since the breakup I’ve taken it hard. I didn’t go no contact and we continued to text and talk etc her family went against me and said I wasn’t good for her.

She suffers from aniexty and it doesn’t help when all she has is negative things to say about me.

During the last two months it’s been like a yo-yo. She would tell me to leave her alone. Then the next night message/email me saying she ‘missed me’ ‘loved me’ ‘wanted to fix things’

This has been happening since the break. She reaches out then when I suggest meeting her ‘aniexty’ gets the better of her and she ignores me.

 

We have met in person a few times. Each time it’s been fine, no arguing etc and stupidly I slept with her. Big mistake I know.

 

Anyhow come the other weekend she question me in person if I had been speaking or seeing anyone since our break up. I haven’t and told her so. Asked her the same and got told no.

The next night a friend sent me screen shots of her being on bumble, loads of pics and clearly saying ‘looking to meet someone and see where it goes’

 

This was soul destroying for me. Everyone has been saying she’s been treating me like a door mat. Just stringing me along until she finds someone new. That I should of ignored her a very long time ago.

I called her out on it, she said she’d hardly been on it and hadn’t met anyone. I was very upset and said some nasty things ‘like she’s a lying ’

 

Me being me and the soft piece of iam end up ringing her the next day etc and messaging. Surprise I get ignored.

 

This kind of went on all week. She barely replied and only did with a few word messages.

 

Last messages I got from her last Saturday she said ‘she wanted to fight for me but was terrified’

I have to say she has been worried things will go back to how they used to be.

 

To sum it up beginning of the year we went throug a very stressful time with jobs etc, she was away almost alleeek evrryweek. I grew distant from her and she got very insecure. I stopped wanting to do stuff with her and hanging out. We had a breakup of around a month in May.

I lost a family

Member around this time and don’t know if I reached out to my ex as I had just lost someone close to me ?

We got back together to try work things out but from day one she was distant, not the same.

( yes everyone else said why get a house but we thought we had sorted our problems out )

 

Anyhow fast forward to last weekend. After getting those messages. By this point I’ve been dragged through hell. I’ve been blocked on Facebook,WhatsApp for weeks now. So I emailed her a long email. Stating how I was being treated was vile. I hadn’t done anything wrong apart from wanting to fix our relationship. That I had reflected and realised things I did wrong.

Though the way I was treated was out of order. I had poured my heart out to her on many occasions ( I never begged though or pleaded)

 

Yes people will say why didn’t I walk away? When you have an ex you’re total Inlove with still message you and ring you since the break saying they love you etc no one would ignore it.

 

Anyhow last Monday I was in a bad state. It’s taken it’s toll on my emotions. I lost my job a few weeks ago and for the first time ever I felt suicidal. Like I had no where else to turn. I contacted my doctor as I had never felt like this before. All I can describe is being in a black hole of despair and there being no ladder. Wanting all these feelings and thoughts to stop.

I was put on antidepressants. Referred to a councillor.

 

Anyhow I reached out when I was out my lowest on Monday to her. Got told we aren’t getting back together. To much has happened. She’s been fine/happy since our split. And that talking to me was getting her anxiety to come back up. Was told to leave her alone and she will speak to me later.

 

This was Monday morning. Been in no contact since. I haven’t tried to reach out to her. I’m trying to fix my mind and my heart.

It’s hard. If it was a simple breakup from day one I could of handled it. Being pulled and pushed for two months. Being ignored then messaged has just reached boiling point in my head. Picture being in limbo of limbo. Not knowing what to say or do. Every action has a negative reaction.

 

Yes family and friends say it’s good to not talk to her. Get told it’s out of order how she’s treated me and it’s toxic.

 

I know I’ve been treated badly.

Whilst we were talking and trying to sort things out since the break up I’ve had the following,

Booked a hotel for a night away and she bailed the last minute.

Booked a week away together yet she cancelled on that too

Told me leave her alone. I did and then reached out to me.

I changed my phone number. Ended up getting loads of emails and I stupidly gave her my new number

 

When I say she reached out to me I don’t mean one text. After being told to leave her alone the next night I’d have 17 texts, few missed calls and a couple of emails.

 

I guess I’m on here for support? I know that sounds dumb. But I’m on day 5 of no contact. I’m struggling massively. Especially on weekends.

It feels like it’s finally done and dusted with her. I know I have to accept it’s over but I’m not dealingselll with it. Whether it’s the constant pushing and pulling from her I don’t know.

All the usual thoughts going through my head

 

‘Is she thinking of me’ ‘does she miss me’ though I know this situation is very different to others.

 

I can tell myself she seemed undecided/confused for a long time. Having her family say we aren’t right together plays on her mind a lot. She holds everything against me and doesn’t she mature to take responbility.

 

Now I know NC is a time for me to heal. I’m not doing it to play games. Course I’d love for her to turn up and tell me she loves me. But for so long ‘actions speak louder than words’ and all I’ve gotten from her is words.

 

Does any one have any advice? Not on how to get her back. But what I can do. I’m trying to keep busy. The tablets basically make me have insomnia so I’m struggling to sleep. I keep playing all our happy memeories over and over. The NC is helping.

Being out of work does not though I’ve been going for interviews etc. Started a gym class up, have yoga soon and also going to be doing some voluntary work.

 

My self esteem is none existent. I have zero confidence. All because I’m told I’m missed and wanted. Then ignored. And I allowed this to happen....for months. I didn’t stop it as I just wanted to be with her.

 

 

Sorry to go on. If anyone reAd this to the end I take my hat off to you. I sound like a crazy person that needs locking up :(

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. What was the breakup about? When did it start going downhill? You did the right thing consulting a doctor and getting a referral to a therapist. This way, you have the pros guiding you through tough times.

 

The best thing for you to do is stop contacting her. Go no contact. Delete and block her and all her people from all messaging apps and social media. This way you can reflect, heal and rebuild. To be honest the crazy toxic games would have been a nightmare if you went forward with this. Now you are free to date saner more stable women who aren't into these games.

I contacted my doctor as I had never felt like this before. I was put on antidepressants. Referred to a councillor.

 

Was told to leave her alone and she will speak to me later.

[monkeynuts]

To be honest the breakup reason seemed to change? She would hold things against me. Since the breakup I’ve been told I wasn’t caring or a gent. Which is total rubbish. I went distant once, and I believed we sorted out our indifferences. But I did not.

 

NC is what’s needed. Just haven’t been able to switch off my feelings yet. Still don’t think I’ve fully accepted it’s over. Seeing a professional on Thursday which I cannot wait for.

Just wish I could sleep. Been having like 3/4 hours a night since monday

 

Guess we never truly got back on track. I thought we had but think she always worried I would go distant again.

No matter what I said or did nothing seemed to change her mind

[DanZee]

Yeah, that's why the advice to go total No Contact after a break up is the best advice. You've tortured yourself continuing to contact your ex, even having ex sex with her. You've just delayed your recovery and made things worse. You allowed yourself to have an emotional dependency on her that went beyond love, it became a need.

 

Anyways, we've all been through it. You just have to keep distracting yourself with exercise, walks through nature, going to parties, events, concerts and so forth, hanging out with friends and family, and doing things that you like to do. You have to find a job, so you could certainly throw yourself into that.

 

So no more texts,, emails or phone calls. In fact, block her number and delete her from social media so you don't know what she's up to. You've broken up. It doesn't matter what the reason is. The relationship was toxic and you have to move on.

[boltnrun]

Expecting the person who hurt you so badly to make you feel better isn't logical. Read my signature line.

 

Remain in no contact permanently. Change your number again and don't give it to her. You have to behave as though she vanished off the planet or you will never get to feeling better.

[monkeynuts]

I don’t know why I’m struggling so much to move on.

All the people around me say the same as you.

 

It’s where I think I mbroke . And hope I can get to the bottom of why I can’t accept it and move o . She’s clearly done a number on me

[singleitis]

Expecting the person who hurt you so badly to make you feel better isn't logical. Read my signature line.

 

Remain in no contact permanently. Change your number again and don't give it to her. You have to behave as though she vanished off the planet or you will never get to feeling better.

 

I agree with boltnrun 100%. Never go back to what broke you in the first place. You won't find healing there. Go NC from now on and work on your own betterment. Focus on you; not what she's doing or who she's with. I know those thoughts will be hard to combat initially, but it needs to happen. When you find your mind wandering, immediately intercept the thought by busying yourself with something else.

[RayRay63]

This OP is the best advertisement for strict NC that I have ever seen.

 

Everyone has been saying she’s been treating me like a door mat. Just stringing me along until she finds someone new.

 

Yep.

 

No one here will tell you this is going to be easy - because it isn't. But the sooner you committ to strict no contact, and a program of self work/improvement, the better.

 

It will get easier as it goes along.

 

Good luck.

[monkeynuts]

Yes I guess I do make a good advertisement.....but everyone who doesn’t do/stick to No Contact doesn’t do it to be stubborn.

 

Having feelings of love/attachment are real. Personally I’ve struggled with the downward spiral of my relationship. Whether it’s to do with ego,self esteem, pride, control. Even the chemicals released in your brain whilst Inlove have been linked to the same addiction chemicals that drug users experience.

 

To fall Inlove you open your heart up to that person, you trust them and hope the feelings are reciprocated. When they are not you begin to question everything. You question what happened and went wrong. Usually the dumper puts all the blame on you.

I realise it takes two people to make a relationship and two people to break one.

 

In my circumstances I cared dearly for my ex. I have realised she is emotionally immature. When looking at some of her behaviour I can link in to being very dependable on her father.

 

I’m not perfect. I have reflected on my part, discussed with her and even apologised for how I made her feel.

Trouble is not once did she accept any responsibility. She just continued to say I did this, I made her feel like that etc

 

Yes what people say make sense. You can’t find the cure in what caused the pain. I’m sure in months hindsight will be a wonderful thing and I will look back and think why did I endure so much heartache when deep down I was being treated badly?

 

I have up and down days. Photos are a killer so I cannot look at them.

 

Still on no contact, 6 days! Drop in the ocean to some and I know I have a long way to go. When you know you have to stay positive and try look to the future...boy it’s hard. Rose tinted glasses are terrible.

Maybe I’m having a dip on the medication I’m on? I was warned I’d feel worse before I felt better.

 

Why am I in this mess? As I listened to my feelings/heart instead of my head. I didn’t listen to people close to me.

I allowed words of missing me and love you to over shadow her behaviours. Being picked up and put back down has taken its toll on me.

 

A warning to anyone who may read this, please go no contact. Not in the hope they will reach you. But to save yourself from the emotional turmoil it can bring. I’ve always been a happy chap and to be put on anti depressants and counselling shows the tolls emotional hardship can have on anyone.

 

I’m a true believer in if someone wants to be in your life, they will do everything they can to be in it. Soon as excuses start to come out you have to ask yourself....why?

[RayRay63]

Get out and exercise, sweat it out.

 

Hope you are doing OK MN.

[monkeynuts]

Hey RayRay63 - surprisingly yes. Buy taken some advice from someone on here I haven’t tried to forget everything, i’ve actually been sitting with my own thoughts I’m reflecting on what’s happened but not letting it consume me.

I’ve been taking time out for myself , doing what I want and just learning and trying to understand the voids in my life.

 

Have an important job interview Thursday which will be a new beginning if I get offered the position.

 

On another note my ex unblocked me on WhatsApp, sent me a message yesterday morning which read

“ hey how’re you doing”

Was deleted and didn’t have any interest in replying.

 

For the first time I have not continued the cycle I did for months. I’m no where near ready to even think about communicating with her.

So continuing no contact is how I’m proceeding.

 

Cheers

[monkeynuts]

Well I awoke to yet any other message off her yesterday morning

 

This time is was just ‘ I’m sorry if I let you doen’

 

It sucks a little. 2 weeks of nc then she sends me a random message on Monday.

 

I haven’t broken or given in and messaged her. My heads still not perfect. I’m still healing

 

Rant over

[boltnrun]

Why haven't you blocked her?

[monkeynuts]

As I don’t feel the need to reach out to her.

 

All I’m concentrating on is myself. Rekindling things cannot and won’t be happening. Her messaging me doesn’t give me false hope anymore. I don’t see it as breadcrumbs. I’d like to think I’m at a stage where I don’t need to block.

 

Some might disagree with that but seeing as it does not effect me I have no need to,

[monkeynuts]

Well as it was almost three weeks since NC begun I can feel I’m in a better place than I was. Still not 100%

 

The texts from her last week began to sit in my head. During the days when I was busy and had stuff to occupy myself I was fine. Roll on the night time. Usually you wind down, switch off and that’s sleep. Not for me. Feelings,thoughts and questions were swirling round my head. I felt like I was on a round about...not knowing which exit to take. So I was just going round and round and round.

 

Fast forward to the other night. Had another message from her going on about her Netflix account and she couldn’t get on it etc as I was signed into it. Needless to say a text conversation started up.

Why did I do it? I felt I was in a stronger place. Yes I still have feelings for her. But the part of me that makes me human engaged in the usual dialogue. What you been up to. How’s the family. All the usual talk of someone you have not spoken to in weeks.

She asked me at one point if I still loved her to switch I said it’s weird going into depth about feelings etc over WhatsApp both of us said a lot had happened. Touched briefly on why did things go so wrong?

I suggested we meet for a drink on Thursday night, to hang out, grab and drink and try behave like adults and communicate face to face instead of texts ( which is a pet hate of mine whilst talking about important issues in life )

 

Anyhow got hit back with ‘I don’t know, I’m really emotional right now’ then boom back to the usual lark.

‘I disrespected her when we weren’t together’

‘She felt emotionally vulnerable around me’

She needed time to think about stuff as she is confused.

 

This time round I didn’t bend at the knees. I just said no worries. Hope you figure things out and take care.

 

Get a reply of ‘I think I need a hug, I’m going to sleep now’

 

So yes. Did the nc work? It worked in the sense it helped me heal. Am I fully healed? No. Do I still have feelings for my ex. Of course. Am I allowing them to take over my life? No!

 

So I’m going back into no contact. I know people on here say religiously you have to stick to it. But each person is different. Each situation is unique and they will never understand the true depth of the relationship.

Now I’m not saying I was right to break radio silence. But I’m not in the state I was weeks ago.

The no contact allowed me to sit in the void, learn to accept what was actually going on and reflect on how I cannot be defined by another persons behaviour. I can’t put my life on hold. I can still be upset but realise time will heal things.

 

Am I still confused by her and her behaviour? Yes very much so. She reached out to me first with odd messages. What ever her reasons for doing so I can clearly see she is very confused or maybe it’s just a ploy in her game and manipulation has got the better of me?

 

Anyhow back to NC. As I believe boltrun said why haven’t I blocked her? I guess to keep a channel open in case one day we can communicate properly. But I can see I’m still being blamed for everything. She has and still is not taking and responsibility for the breakup or things going south.

 

NC does help heal. There is no set time on how long you should do it for. All this rubbish of 30 or 60 days is poo. You will know when NC is finished.

As Bluecastle said ‘ at the moment it stings....then it just doesn’t sting anymore’ that is the time NC has worked. When it doesn’t pull on your emotional cords and you can think about it just like you would any other matter in life.

[monkeynuts]

Well I had a random ‘hey’ off her last night. Followed by how am I doing. To which I replied and then she replied back but killed the convo.

 

On the evening I sent her a final message. I said to her that this can’t continue. It’s pointless us being in contact and that I will be deleting her number so I cannot contact her. I politely asked if she could do the same to refrain from reaching out to me.

 

It wasn’t easy messaging it but I know it’s for the best. She isn’t taking any responsibility and just blames me for everything. Clearly she will never move past that or defiantly not in the near future.

 

Am I upset? Yes

Do I want her back? Yes and no - I want the old her back. Not the distant girl who lacks emotion it seems and any ounce of wanting me around

 

So this should be the last time me and her ever have any communication. I’m going to continue with my fitness classes. I hear back tomorrow about a job which will be a new beginning for me ( fingers crossed )

I’m working on cutting any emotional ties/bonds with her now.

I know in time I will think of her less and less.

 

But strict no contact from here on out. No social media checking. I don’t have her number. We don’t live in the same town so will never bump into each other.

Quite frankly I feel too much has happened since the breakup itself to ever go back to her anyhow. I don’t think I could ever trust her again. And there would always be the ‘what if’ with regards to her doing it again.

 

So watch this space people....I will grow from this, learn from mistakes and events and realise if someone doesn’t want to be in my life, I can’t make them and I shouldn’t be wasting my time on someone like that. Life is too short to wait for anyone who is ‘unsure’ and keeps you around for plan B.

I want to be someone’s Plan....with no back ups in site.

[lark265]

"No one here will tell you this is going to be easy - because it isn't. But the sooner you committ to strict no contact, and a program of self work/improvement, the better."

 

I like this line (above). Folks can tell us about NC and toxicity and "it gets better" but rarely is there talk about the actual pain. At least, that's how it is for me. It's the pain. I guess it would be like having to have an amputation. It's something you must do to save your life. The docs talk to you about the emotions involved and the physical therapy needed after. But no discussion on the pain. I think people break the NC just for pain alleviation. It's not an emotional reaction really, it's simply a human attempting to stop the pain. Natural. Screw the consequences. I don't enjoy pain. the hard part of an amputation might be the incredible pain afterwards. Sssoooo.....what do we do about the pain??

[boltnrun]

But contacting your ex or stalking their social media doesn't relieve the pain...does it?

[lark265]

maybe just a little....of course the only thing that would REALLY help the pain would be the getting back together. I think it's so much like the addict and his drug. It is all consuming, at least for me. Once I sat in my car outside a girls house for 4 hours just to somehow talk with her and get her back......but when I was actually IN the relationship with her I was not very happy....crazy stuff. I guess it's called co dependence.

[boltnrun]

Nope, codependence means you do things for other people no matter how inconvenient, painful or expensive those things might be because you fear being abandoned.

[monkeynuts]

Well I received more messages the other night.

 

Asking what had she done

She is super confused

She was looking back through photos and videos of us

 

I basically replied with an ultimatum, I said to meet me today at 13:00, as I’m not doing these text mind games anymore. She said she couldn’t

 

So that’s it. I told her to stop playing these games. And to leave me alone for good.

[Wiseman2]

It's your responsibility to delete and block her and all her people from all your messaging apps and social media. You are doing this to yourself by continually entertaining contact from her in the hopes to get back together.

Receiving contact from the dumper to any dumpee can give a sense of false hope. I will never move on whilst I still receive these messages from her.

[monkeynuts]

Yeah I get that. Guess receiving contact gives me the idea she’s come to her senses. But I’m realising I’ll never know what’s going on in her head

[monkeynuts]

Should add she is now blocked. No more communicating now. Enough is enough.

[Wiseman2]

👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

Should add she is now blocked. No more communicating now. Enough is enough.