My Marriage: Breaking Point is here (Please read and comment)

[thekid55]

Stopping in for an update. I am not leaving our apartment. I thought about what the posters have said—-and it’s a terrible idea to leave. I asked her to go to a movie today and she agreed.

 

Overall, I feel a lot of sadness. Sadness that I allowed myself to fall into this state. For nearly all of my life, ive always been super positive and happy to be around. I will fix that. I’ve been so selfish with my own feelings that I’ve hurt other people, especially my wife. I’ve been emotionally unavailable and that’s not fair to anyone. She is the best and doesn’t deserve this. I shouldn’t have gone thru her phone, made stupid accusations, etc. I shouldn’t have put my family drama on her. It’s not fair.

 

Going forward, I’m going to stay active and positive. I’m going to spend time with my wife and also give her space. Crowding her is the worst thing I can do right now. Counseling starts in about a week—-but until then, I can be happy, positive and proactive with things.

 

Time for some affirmations. I will heal, grow, and become a better man. I will heal, grow and become a better man. I will heal, grow and become a better man. I will heal, grow and become a better man. I will heal, grow, and become a better man.

[ThatwasThen]

I will heal, grow, and become a better man. I will heal, grow and become a better man. I will heal, grow and become a better man. I will heal, grow and become a better man. I will heal, grow, and become a better man.

Yes. that is a good mantra for you at this time.

 

Good luck.

[thekid55]

Stopping by for another update. Our morning went well. We both did our respective workouts and went grocery shopping together. We kept things very light and jokey. She is a little reserved, rightfully so, so I played it cool. I held her hand from time to time. After the grocery store, we went out for lunch and kept it light. Neither one of us had much of an appetite. We went for a short walk afterwards--and we started talking about things. We both agreed that we learn and grow over time.

 

Her biggest questions, that she's hoping therapy will answer: Did the stress from all of the family events change us so much to the point where we shouldn't be together anymore?

 

I don't think we have the answer to this question, but I made it very clear to her that (1) I'm 100% into going to therapy, (2) I admitted that I made a lot of mistakes (e.g., not being available emotionally for her, not setting good boundaries with family members, shut down, emotionally, and became mean at time), (3) I'm going to do everything I can to work on our marriage. I told her that I own all of my mistakes and I don't have anyone to blame by myself (I truly believe this).

 

One of her friends is going through a tough time with her husband, so they've been talking a lot. I think they can relate in a lot of ways. I told her that every relationship is different and she agreed.

 

Going forward, I'm giving her space to see friends, see family, etc. Likewise, I'm doing the same and taking things day to day. I'm doing everything in my power to think positively and do my best. Thank you, Dr. Norman Vincent Peale.

[Lester]

"Did the stress from all of the family events change us so much to the point where we shouldn't be together anymore?"

- She actually said this to you the other day?

 

If so, this coupled with her emotional distance turning into physical distance, new party/bar friends, walks of shame, males offering marriage etc., paints a much grimmer picture for your marriage.

 

Her agreeing to outside help may be just so she can say she tried everything.

[thekid55]

"Did the stress from all of the family events change us so much to the point where we shouldn't be together anymore?"

- She actually said this to you the other day?

 

If so, this coupled with her emotional distance turning into physical distance, new party/bar friends, walks of shame, males offering marriage etc., paints a much grimmer picture for your marriage.

 

Her agreeing to outside help may be just so she can say she tried everything.

 

I should re-phrase. She didn’t say this explicitly. Rather, the question whether the family stress outright changed who we are as people or if its something we can work through.

 

I do agree that she has been distant the last 2 days. She seems very guarded emotionally. A few times per day she asks me if “I’m okay”. It’s been an emotional few days for us. We aren’t hugging/kissing as much. She gave me a kiss before she left but that was it. Just a hard situation for me to read.

 

The counseling is a good idea and maybe it’s just so she can point to it, saying she tried everything. Who knows. I hope it’s because she wants to work on things rather than just thinking we’ve changed so much

[Seraphim]

She probably feels guarded and distant because her trust was invaded. Go to counseling and make the full effort.

[Lester]

I hope it's a simple case of stress and not neglect.

 

When a wife is deeply upset about something, it can take up to two years before the husband notices. *

By that time the wife is weary of trying to fix you and starts to look outside the marriage for emotional support.

 

To understand her better, secretly read Gary Smalley's "If only he knew". (This is a Christian based book. If not so, just skip to the pointers he gives.)

 

 

* The other man/women, who is always on the lookout for sad lonely wives, notices much sooner.

[Jennifer2018]

One thing to mention....

 

IÂ’ve been through a lot of traumatic events over the last few years. Granted, my wife has been there every step of the way. But when (I) your parents get divorced, (2) sister goes to rehab, (3) sitting with job uncertainty (4) attempting to manage my mother who has a split personality but ultimately walking away from the relationship, things get tough.

 

Its sad that you are going to punish your wife because of the actions of your family.

She is hurting, and you have pushed her away. You want her to spend less time with her friends, but you wont give her any of your time? You are thinking about staying somewhere else...

Sounds like she is suffering, and you are letting her.

She is going to need counseling to deal with your behavior, in addition to how badly you need it. Its sad you are waiting 2 weeks.

You chose to marry your wife, and you took a vow to be there for her. Dont push her away. Dont stay somewhere else.

[tattoobunnie]

I felt like she was hiding something from me

 

You do realize you are calling the kettle black. You've emotionally shut down from her. She is looking for connection, and made new friends. Instead of dealing with your issues, your insecurity is causing you to deflect your issues onto her, and trying to make her the bad guy. Stop. Her group texts points to signs of having fun...not cheating.