We break up then make up over & over & over again!

[Hornet69]

At this point you've become a lion with no teeth.

 

`We teach people how to treat us' and she knows that she can slam the door in your face and bait you into chasing her. And she's right, you do.

And I'll guess that you give up a little piece of yourself every time you do.

 

Consider yourself well trained in the crazy dance for two. It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to continue or put the brakes on this.

 

No use in trying to reword your responses in hopes for a different outcome and/or try to talk any sense into her, because this is the way she operates.

 

There are artcles about trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement in relationships and describes why some people find themselves hooked on these unhealthy dyanamic.

 

Yeah I know I've basically taught her how to treat me by keeping accepting it and the worse thing is that when I've tried not allowing her to treat me like this she really hates it as it's not my normal way and then she's questions why I have changed and even goes as far as saying I'm no longer caring.

 

The thing is is that I know it is wrong and that's why I won't commit to things further like when she suggests getting engaged and having children or moving in together. I know that any of these would give her more leverage over me and would end up in disaster.

 

I would like to see that article if you can find it?

[Hornet69]

It is worse over text. It's immature, you don't have any say, it's cowardly and it doesn't matter if it's in person or electronically. When someone says they don't want you, it strikes the recipient of the message in a primal way. Why would anyone do that to someone if they didn't mean it? Unless they are abusive and enjoy hurting those close to them.

 

For me, I knew he didn't mean it. So it's was't the message itself that was serious. It was being repeatedly manipulative and abusive that was the deal breaker.

 

Besides. . . How much drama are you willing to tolerate?

You do know that good relationships don't look like this one, right?

So why not toss this, take a step back reevaluate why YOU think you don't deserve better. Work on that for a little while and learn a lesson from all of this.

 

Yeah I keep telling myself that text, speech, written......this behaviour isn't right not matter how it's carried out.

 

My previous relationship was similar and I eventually got the strength to leave and it was the best thing I have done.

 

I do know good relationships are not like this I see loads of people at work in normal relationships. My mom treated my father badly and he would leave and come back. I think this is where I've got this idea that this is normal. Also I have very low self esteem and i guess like you say I probably don't think I deserve to be happy and that's why I keep tolerating it.

[DancingFool]

Not allowing people to treat you badly means that first you address the problem. If they continue to behave badly, you kick these people out of you life. No talking, no umpteenth chance, just out.

 

When you talk about it, they keep being ugly to you and you stay for more, you are telling them through your actions that you like it that way so they can carry on being ugly to you.

 

You stop bad treatment by walking away.

[Hornet69]

I will also add this, if you won't do it for yourself, at least do it for your child's sake. Your child is watching this madness and learning. Stop the cycle of dysfunction.

 

This is in no way an excuse but I have managed to shield my son from all of this but that's just down to luck that he's not been with me at the time but your totally right. If we did ever move in together and my son was more around both of us it could affect him massively. I never talk to my son about our fall outs but I'm guessing he can tell. Also because we have spilt up she will no longer be coming on our trip tomorrow and neither will her daughter so I some how have to explain this to my son which I shouldn't have to do. I like him to know what's happening and when I say we are doing things with so and so I like it to happen so he trusts his dad. This is just going to make him question things now which is another thing that I'm upset about and how she's gone about things. I mean why couldn't she just say look you've made me feel like this or I'm annoyed because of this so can we discuss it instead of flying off the handle, calling me ignorant, accusing me of not listening and been horrible. This together with calling the trip off and telling me to go away and goodbye was just not needed at all. I wouldn't do anything like that if something she had done bothered me slightly. I certainly wouldn't throw my toys out of the pram and cancel a day trip that had been organised.

[Hornet69]

Not allowing people to treat you badly means that first you address the problem. If they continue to behave badly, you kick these people out of you life. No talking, no umpteenth chance, just out.

 

When you talk about it, they keep being ugly to you and you stay for more, you are telling them through your actions that you like it that way so they can carry on being ugly to you.

 

You stop bad treatment by walking away.

 

I do know this that's what is infuriating my logical mind is saying run far away but just something some voice in my head tells me she doesn't mean it or it's not that bad. Then I think she will be hurting and I care about her and she will change when she matures a bit more then my logical mind kicks in and says forget how she feels she doesn't care about you and your a great guy who will find someone who treats you normally. It's like a constant mind fight and my logical mind ends up losing.

[DancingFool]

This is in no way an excuse but I have managed to shield my son from all of this but that's just down to luck that he's not been with me at the time but your totally right. If we did ever move in together and my son was more around both of us it could affect him massively. I never talk to my son about our fall outs but I'm guessing he can tell. Also because we have spilt up she will no longer be coming on our trip tomorrow and neither will her daughter so I some how have to explain this to my son which I shouldn't have to do. I like him to know what's happening and when I say we are doing things with so and so I like it to happen so he trusts his dad. This is just going to make him question things now which is another thing that I'm upset about and how she's gone about things. I mean why couldn't she just say look you've made me feel like this or I'm annoyed because of this so can we discuss it instead of flying off the handle, calling me ignorant, accusing me of not listening and been horrible. This together with calling the trip off and telling me to go away and goodbye was just not needed at all. I wouldn't do anything like that if something she had done bothered me slightly. I certainly wouldn't throw my toys out of the pram and cancel a day trip that had been organised.

 

Sorry but you are in denial. Yes, your son is very much aware of the toxic drama. Quite frankly, children are way more perceptive and aware than adults. He IS watching this and learning. This woman shouldn't be anywhere near your son ever again. YOU have got to set the example that when someone doesn't treat you right, they need to be gone out of your life. This is your job as a father. Do not fail him and again, do not perpetuate toxic dysfunction. This woman literally shouldn't be near your son ever again.

 

You wouldn't do the things that she does because you are a decent human being. So why do you tolerate being treated like less than garbage. She isn't going to suddenly wake up and be normal or decent. Not now, not ever quite frankly. It's on you to recognize that someone is messed up and step far away from that individual.

 

What you are doing is the equivalent of petting a poisonous snake and then being surprised when it bites you with its venom. It's a poisonous snake! It's what they do. Yet, you keep wanting this poisonous snake to act like a puppy dog. Well...it's not a dog and it can't be and there is no magic in this world that will change a poisonous snake into a dog. Stop hoping because it's really that absurd.

 

Stop with the excuses and kick her out of your life for good. Since she has already broken up with you, it's easy. You block her number and never ever respond to her again. If you have any of her things at your place, pack them all in a box and mail it to her. Be done and never again expect someone to be normal when they show you they are not.

[Hornet69]

Sorry but you are in denial. Yes, your son is very much aware of the toxic drama. Quite frankly, children are way more perceptive and aware than adults. He IS watching this and learning. This woman shouldn't be anywhere near your son ever again. YOU have got to set the example that when someone doesn't treat you right, they need to be gone out of your life. This is your job as a father. Do not fail him and again, do not perpetuate toxic dysfunction. This woman literally shouldn't be near your son ever again.

 

You wouldn't do the things that she does because you are a decent human being. So why do you tolerate being treated like less than garbage. She isn't going to suddenly wake up and be normal or decent. Not now, not ever quite frankly. It's on you to recognize that someone is messed up and step far away from that individual.

 

What you are doing is the equivalent of petting a poisonous snake and then being surprised when it bites you with its venom. It's a poisonous snake! It's what they do. Yet, you keep wanting this poisonous snake to act like a puppy dog. Well...it's not a dog and it can't be and there is no magic in this world that will change a poisonous snake into a dog. Stop hoping because it's really that absurd.

 

Stop with the excuses and kick her out of your life for good. Since she has already broken up with you, it's easy. You block her number and never ever respond to her again. If you have any of her things at your place, pack them all in a box and mail it to her. Be done and never again expect someone to be normal when they show you they are not.

 

Yeah I am in denial you are right and I know my son will know when something is wrong. I don't have to say anything to him but he will feel it I'm sure. I do not want him growing up and accepting the same thing in a relationship.

 

It's been 3 years now and although she's stopped verbally abusing me as much it looks like she just can't help herself behaving like she does and she actually doesn't see what she's done wrong.

 

I have not contacted her since earlier today and she's not contacted me so I'm going to leave it that way.

[HealingLight]

Have not read all the replies to this, but this sounds like she exhibits a lot of borderline behavior. Get out now while you still can, as it will place a great strain on you and your son over time. Anyone who can repeatedly throw around breakups and ultimatums needs to be prepared for you to take them up on it for good. You deserve stability in a relationship at the very least.

[Wiseman2]

You are a glutton for punishment, it seems. This not good for your son.

 

Please review this informative relationship video:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwbKYcBdVyk

[boltnrun]

You're repeating the behavior between your mother and your father, which you witnessed as a child.

 

And you seriously think your son doesn't notice? Do you wish this type of relationship for your son?

 

You did not respond to my previous post, which leads me to believe you are trying to find some excuse to stay in this toxic relationship. When you wrote in did you think people were going to tell you it's all your fault and you should stay with her? That she truly loves you and she will "change" with just a little more time? Because it's not (other than staying, accepting the behavior and going back for more), you shouldn't, she doesn't, and she won't.

 

Know now that if you go back, you are deliberately choosing to be abused and mistreated, and you are going in with eyes wide open. And also realize your son will most likely end up in the exact same type of relationship.

 

Yeah, I'm being "harsh". But you are not "stuck", you are making a choice. If you choose to continue, would it make sense to keep complaining about how she treats you? Think about it.

 

And the fact that this is your SECOND relationship with this type of woman...yeah, professional guidance is a really good idea.

[DancingFool]

Yeah I am in denial you are right and I know my son will know when something is wrong. I don't have to say anything to him but he will feel it I'm sure. I do not want him growing up and accepting the same thing in a relationship.

 

It's been 3 years now and although she's stopped verbally abusing me as much it looks like she just can't help herself behaving like she does and she actually doesn't see what she's done wrong.

 

I have not contacted her since earlier today and she's not contacted me so I'm going to leave it that way.

 

No, don't just leave it. Block her number and block her e-mails, social media, everything. Put a real end to this. Also, please please for your own well being and for your son, call a therapist and schedule an appointment to start helping yourself heal, get your head screwed on straight and get the support you need to end the toxic relationship cycle for good and to make certain that you never get into one again. You do need help. Please understand that you don't have to be crazy to go to therapy. You just need to be aware that you need some internal calibrating.

[Hornet69]

Have not read all the replies to this, but this sounds like she exhibits a lot of borderline behavior. Get out now while you still can, as it will place a great strain on you and your son over time. Anyone who can repeatedly throw around breakups and ultimatums needs to be prepared for you to take them up on it for good. You deserve stability in a relationship at the very least.

 

Its been a strain for the full 3 years as I never know what to expect from a conversation with her. One minute it's just a normal innocent conversation and then the next it can turn into a full on blown argument with me trying to defend myself. And if I try to set boundaries I'm told I'm horrible or nasty.

 

I said in a previous comment that I've been watching a video about emotional abuse and how they can be just slight things that they do like mild name calling etc and there's been a lot of times when she's called me a d**k head or told me to f**k off then when I've said don't talk to me like that she's passed it off as a joke. All these little things add up to me thinking I've just been selected because I'm soft and she knows she can treat me like s**t and I'll still stay and she's actually confirmed this to me. So although I believe that she does really love and care about me I wonder does she really if she can knowingly treat me in this way.

[reinventmyself]

Yeah I know I've basically taught her how to treat me by keeping accepting it and the worse thing is that when I've tried not allowing her to treat me like this she really hates it as it's not my normal way and then she's questions why I have changed and even goes as far as saying I'm no longer caring.

 

The thing is is that I know it is wrong and that's why I won't commit to things further like when she suggests getting engaged and having children or moving in together. I know that any of these would give her more leverage over me and would end up in disaster.

 

I would like to see that article if you can find it?

just google the terms. . you will find plenty of articles about the two.

[boltnrun]

Its been a strain for the full 3 years as I never know what to expect from a conversation with her. One minute it's just a normal innocent conversation and then the next it can turn into a full on blown argument with me trying to defend myself. And if I try to set boundaries I'm told I'm horrible or nasty.

 

I said in a previous comment that I've been watching a video about emotional abuse and how they can be just slight things that they do like mild name calling etc and there's been a lot of times when she's called me a d**k head or told me to f**k off then when I've said don't talk to me like that she's passed it off as a joke. All these little things add up to me thinking I've just been selected because I'm soft and she knows she can treat me like s**t and I'll still stay and she's actually confirmed this to me. So although I believe that she does really love and care about me I wonder does she really if she can knowingly treat me in this way.

 

When you love and care about someone do you repeatedly break up with them, call them awful names, tell them to eff off, accuse them of being an awful person, etc.?

 

If not, why would you take these actions as being from someone who loves you?

[reinventmyself]

Its been a strain for the full 3 years as I never know what to expect from a conversation with her. One minute it's just a normal innocent conversation and then the next it can turn into a full on blown argument with me trying to defend myself. And if I try to set boundaries I'm told I'm horrible or nasty.

 

I said in a previous comment that I've been watching a video about emotional abuse and how they can be just slight things that they do like mild name calling etc and there's been a lot of times when she's called me a d**k head or told me to f**k off then when I've said don't talk to me like that she's passed it off as a joke. All these little things add up to me thinking I've just been selected because I'm soft and she knows she can treat me like s**t and I'll still stay and she's actually confirmed this to me. So although I believe that she does really love and care about me I wonder does she really if she can knowingly treat me in this way.

 

What gets us stuck in the weeds is trying to make sense of the other persons thinking. I know, I've done it. But just accept there are some things you are not meant to understand. From what you've described she sounds like she has some issues that are too complex for you to understand, nor should you want to. That's what therapists are for.

 

It sounds as if when she puts the blame on you you get caught up trying to figure out your part in it. That's all well and good but if you can't make sense of what sounds like nonsense and it keeps happening, then there is something else going on.

 

The biggest gift I ever gave myself was to stop trying to figure the other person out. All that energy was better invested in learning things about myself and taking care of myself.

You will either be in alignment with someone or not.

It goes without saying you two are not.

[Hornet69]

No, don't just leave it. Block her number and block her e-mails, social media, everything. Put a real end to this. Also, please please for your own well being and for your son, call a therapist and schedule an appointment to start helping yourself heal, get your head screwed on straight and get the support you need to end the toxic relationship cycle for good and to make certain that you never get into one again. You do need help. Please understand that you don't have to be crazy to go to therapy. You just need to be aware that you need some internal calibrating.

 

I haven't mentioned this because I didn't think it was relevant but I have been seeing a therapist over depression and I have 2 sessions left and my therapist has delved into my relationships and she agrees that I have an issue with setting boundaries and she believes I have very low opinion of myself from childhood. She's given me some exercises to do when I feel this strong emotion and she's done some inner child work. It has helped immensely and if it wasn't for the 6 sessions that's I have had I think I would be texting my ex right now and saying sorry. I just hope the last 2 sessions help me further. Sorry for not mentioning this earlier i was a little embarrassed.

[boltnrun]

Would you be "embarrassed" if you broke your arm playing baseball and saw an ortho doctor to get it set and put in a cast? Or if you were going to a gym to work out and eating healthier to get fit?

 

Then why be embarrassed because you are seeking therapy to become emotionally healthier? Does SHE put you down for attending therapy?

[reinventmyself]

Self esteem comes from acting in your own self care. Especially when it's difficult and it feels unnatural, doing the hardest thing IS where the reward is.

Waiting until you are strong enough is doing it backwards. It's doing the very thing you find difficult that gives you strength.

 

Think about it. Body builders don't wait until they have muscle to start lifting weights. The start when they have none and are rewarded for their hard work and dedication.

 

Start now. Be brave, set a boundarie and challenge yourself to stick to it. It may feel foreign and even uncomfortable but the reward will come.

[DancingFool]

I haven't mentioned this because I didn't think it was relevant but I have been seeing a therapist over depression and I have 2 sessions left and my therapist has delved into my relationships and she agrees that I have an issue with setting boundaries and she believes I have very low opinion of myself from childhood. She's given me some exercises to do when I feel this strong emotion and she's done some inner child work. It has helped immensely and if it wasn't for the 6 sessions that's I have had I think I would be texting my ex right now and saying sorry. I just hope the last 2 sessions help me further. Sorry for not mentioning this earlier i was a little embarrassed.

 

The only thing to ever be embarrassed about is not addressing your issues. It takes strength and courage to address what's not right inside of you and fix it. That's not embarrassing, that's admirable. It shows strength and self awareness. So kudos to you for that and I truly mean that. Head high.

 

That said, please continue with therapy and specifically focus on addressing relationship, self esteem, codependence issues. Yes, you have damage from childhood and it's hard to know what a healthy relationship looks like when you grew up seeing a toxic dynamic. It makes it easy for you to fall into what's familiar. That's why it's so critical that you carry on and sort yourself and do what's right so that you stop the cycle of dysfunction for your son's sake. Be strong for his sake and keep up with therapy/counseling.

 

Take a time out from relationships for awhile. Get sorted and then work with the therapist in terms of using them like a sounding board when you meet new women. Is this good or bad, should I let this go or let her go. Even these boards are great for this kind of feedback because here people will be honest with you and give you unbiased feedback on what is and isn't acceptable behavior. There are also lots of good self help books on this subject. Don't be afraid to use a variety of resources. You'll thank yourself for it later.

[Hornet69]

You're repeating the behavior between your mother and your father, which you witnessed as a child.

 

And you seriously think your son doesn't notice? Do you wish this type of relationship for your son?

 

You did not respond to my previous post, which leads me to believe you are trying to find some excuse to stay in this toxic relationship. When you wrote in did you think people were going to tell you it's all your fault and you should stay with her? That she truly loves you and she will "change" with just a little more time? Because it's not (other than staying, accepting the behavior and going back for more), you shouldn't, she doesn't, and she won't.

 

 

Know now that if you go back, you are deliberately choosing to be abused and mistreated, and you are going in with eyes wide open. And also realize your son will most likely end up in the exact same type of relationship.

 

Yeah, I'm being "harsh". But you are not "stuck", you are making a choice. If you choose to continue, would it make sense to keep complaining about how she treats you? Think about it.

 

And the fact that this is your SECOND relationship with this type of woman...yeah, professional guidance is a really good idea.

 

I do not want my son repeating this pattern. Like you say I'm actually becoming my father I'm repeating what happened there.

 

I wrote in because I always doubt myself. I always need confirmation that it isn't me that's got the problem. Because she keeps blaming me I keep thinking may be I have some issue and it's me who needs help.

 

I think the fear or potential fear of been alone is more powerful than the hurt she is causing me so I'm sticking with the familiar feeling even though it's negative rather than the unknown feeling of been alone.

[boltnrun]

What scary thing do you think will happen if you are "alone"? And I'm serious.

 

I see people writing this over and over, but no one is ever able to articulate exactly what awful fate or event they are convinced will happen to them if they don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend.

 

So, can you give details? What about being "alone" frightens you so much that you'd rather be abused?

[Hornet69]

What gets us stuck in the weeds is trying to make sense of the other persons thinking. I know, I've done it. But just accept there are some things you are not meant to understand. From what you've described she sounds like she has some issues that are too complex for you to understand, nor should you want to. That's what therapists are for.

 

It sounds as if when she puts the blame on you you get caught up trying to figure out your part in it. That's all well and good but if you can't make sense of what sounds like nonsense and it keeps happening, then there is something else going on.

 

The biggest gift I ever gave myself was to stop trying to figure the other person out. All that energy was better invested in learning things about myself and taking care of myself.

You will either be in alignment with someone or not.

It goes without saying you two are not.

 

Yeah I find myself trying to make sense of what she is doing and I just can't. I've spent hours and long long messages trying to make her see what she is doing is wrong and it doesn't work. I just get replies saying I'm wrong or that's my opinion or just texts like what ever. It's like there's no reasoning with her there's no way I can make her see.

 

I think like you say something's you can never understand because your not that person and your wired differently. All that energy I've used it's tiring and exhausting.

[reinventmyself]

Yeah I find myself trying to make sense of what she is doing and I just can't. I've spent hours and long long messages trying to make her see what she is doing is wrong and it doesn't work. I just get replies saying I'm wrong or that's my opinion or just texts like what ever. It's like there's no reasoning with her there's no way I can make her see.

 

I think like you say something's you can never understand because your not that person and your wired differently. All that energy I've used it's tiring and exhausting.

 

If it validates you in any way, there are several of responding to you and we can't make sense of her.

You, on the other hand are very articulate and reasonable.

 

You need to be aware that people like her choose their partners carefully. Someone else would have bailed on this nonsense a long time ago.

Yet you are still standing there taking the verbal beatings and wondering what you did wrong.

[Hornet69]

What scary thing do you think will happen if you are "alone"? And I'm serious.

 

I see people writing this over and over, but no one is ever able to articulate exactly what awful fate or event they are convinced will happen to them if they don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend.

 

So, can you give details? What about being "alone" frightens you so much that you'd rather be abused?

 

This is where it's confusing. I love my own space and I'm sure I'd be happy single and alone so I don't know why I fear it. I've done a lot of self help work since my last relationship ended and I know what you should not look for happiness outside of yourself and you shoukd be happy alone before you even think of been in a relationship. I have even given this advice to people and I can spot a toxic relationship off a mile away but when it comes to me I can't manage to call it a day. Maybe I'm not scared of been alone maybe I'm scared of not been liked and rejected?

[Hornet69]

If it validates you in any way, there are several of responding to you and we can't make sense of her.

You, on the other hand are very articulate and reasonable.

 

You need to be aware that people like her choose their partners carefully. Someone else would have bailed on this nonsense a long time ago.

Yet you are still standing there taking the verbal beatings and wondering what you did wrong.

 

It's funny you should say that. There was a gentleman who was interested in her before me and from what I can gather he bailed when she became unreasonable and abusive. She was very upset over this and I comforted her. I always think that he must of seen sense and had the balls I don't have.

 

My son is 9 now and he's at the same age where I saw my mom and dad constantly argue and my dad accepting stuff from my mom that he shouldn't of. I don't want this for my son.