Girlfriend vs. Travelling

[Pleasedonot5]

But if you are on the verge of making a commitment with this person -- how would you feel if the other person announced that they were going away for a WHOLE YEAR and not coming home. To me that implies that you want out of the relationship. Its one thing if he was going away for one month and coming home.

I would break up with them too, to be honest (and I have). I absolutely cannot put a relationship on hold for a year to satiate my partner's wanderlust.

[indea08]

I guess I do see what you guys are saying....I just can't relate, because I'm the one who has the wanderlust. I can see how someone who has no desire to travel could say "this is not what I want for myself."

 

But even still, I would have to encourage the other person to go travel, even if it meant walking away. I could never be the reason why someone didn't get to experience the world, I would not be able to live with myself. OP, I think if you stay, you will pay for it later by carrying regret and harboring resentment. I also got the feeling from your original post that she said she would end the relationship as more of a threat to get you to stay...not as a statement as to what's best for both of you.

[journeynow]

I could never be the reason why someone didn't get to experience the world, I would not be able to live with myself. OP, I think if you stay, you will pay for it later by carrying regret and harboring resentment. I also got the feeling from your original post that she said she would end the relationship as more of a threat to get you to stay...not as a statement as to what's best for both of you.

Right, if he gives up his dream he may pay for it with growing resentment. And for the girlfriend, with him leaving for a year, she may pay for it with growing resentment. I think those resentment feelings are key to listening to our inner selves, and a clue we are trying to bend ourselves into someone we are not. I don't think it is wrong to realize you may have to end a relationship with someone you love because of it, but it doesn't have to be done as punishment or anger. Instead of saying "If you loved me you'd ___________ (stay here, be happy for me, feel a certain way, do a certain thing)" I think it is more truthful to think of it as "If he were compatible with me he would _____________." You don't even have to state it out loud, but use that statement to explore your self, what your actual needs and expectations and feelings are, and if there is growth and collaboration possible that brings both of your needs closer. Does that make sense? It is not about love, it is about what makes you happy, what makes you sing. No one needs to be the cause of anyone giving up a dream, the choice would be a choice, and each responsible for their own choices based on their priorities.

[abitbroken]

I guess I do see what you guys are saying....I just can't relate, because I'm the one who has the wanderlust. I can see how someone who has no desire to travel could say "this is not what I want for myself."

 

But even still, I would have to encourage the other person to go travel, even if it meant walking away. I could never be the reason why someone didn't get to experience the world, I would not be able to live with myself. OP, I think if you stay, you will pay for it later by carrying regret and harboring resentment. I also got the feeling from your original post that she said she would end the relationship as more of a threat to get you to stay...not as a statement as to what's best for both of you.

 

Its totally fine and great to travel -- but who travels for an entire year straight and never coming home during that time once unless its for work in the military or some other overseas job? That's not something a grown man thinking of marriage and kids and a house does -- he puts a ring on it and when the kids are born -- takes them on the most amazing adventure to see real zebras in Africa or he takes short trips to cure his wanderlust. My cousin is 24 - unmarried, no girlfriend, etc, and had a job contract come to an end - he went to Thailand, Iceland, Japan, Alaska, and Johannesberg. But he stlll came home after each leg (did South Africda in one trip, Did ALaska to Japan to Thailand on anothe - Iceland was another. ) because its darn expensive and he has a father with a chronic condition (is not critical at this point, but its still is) that he would not like to be away for a year at a time and then come back and he has deteriorated.

 

Anyway -- everyone is right ---- they are entitled to what they each want, but he has no business painting the girlfriend as controlling or unreasonable. A year away is a big ask. its not a weekend trip with the guys or a 3 week solo trip.

[annie24]

but who travels for an entire year straight and never coming home during that time once unless its for work in the military or some other overseas job? That's not something a grown man thinking of marriage and kids and a house does

 

Lots of people travel for a year straight. I'm sure you heard of the book and movie "Eat, Pray, Love." It's based on Elizabeth Gilbert's real life story of divorcing her husband and taking off a year to travel to 3 countries. Lots of people called her selfish for her actions, but ultimately, you live life for yourself and do what feels right for you, not others. I think it's smart of him to think things through before committing to marriage and kids. The worst case would be if he does not go, gets married, but regrets not having a solo travel experience for the rest of his life and secretly resents his wife. IMHO, better for a boyfriend to break off a relationship and travel for a year than for a husband and father to just run away like that or to resent his family for the rest of his life.

 

Timing in relationships is not easy. It's not uncommon to break up because the timing wasn't quite right, even if the relationship was otherwise good.

[katrina1980]

I think if you want to go traveling, you should go traveling, you don't really need her permission. But yeah it would be nice if she supported you, but totally get why she would not be thrilled with the idea.

 

Speaking from experience, I always do my traveling when NOT in a serious RL because while traveling, I prefer to be open and free, meeting as many people as I can, experiencing the culture and having different experiences with them.

 

Nevertheless, if I were your gf, I would try to have faith and trust and support your endeavor perhaps even joining you at some point, I love to travel and do quite a bit myself actually!

 

I don't really see that she has any other choice but to support you. Because if she prevents you from going, you will eventually resent her, which is toxic to your relationship.

 

That said, I'd like to share a story with you about my cousin. He was dating this girl for a very long time, don't know how long exactly but it was long. It was serious, but he always had this itch to go mountain climbing in the Himalayas.

 

So he decided to go for it, six months he would be gone. She wholeheartedly supported him so off he went.

 

I don't think he was gone for even a month before he missed her SO much, he returned home and they were married shortly thereafter! Still happily married to this day!

[askltk]

I've sat in your girlfriends position to a certain extent with my recent Ex - she wanted to travel and live in the City. Due to my work this was never an option for me. This was a 5 year relationship, so had progressed to the stage of "settling down".

 

I never wanted to hold her back, nore would I have put an ultimatum on her. On the other side, it hurt that if she wanted a relationship with me in the long term she would prioritise what in essences was an extended holiday over our future.

 

This was something she needed to do, and one I wasn't able to facilitate - sometimes there are things you need to let them do what they know they need to.

 

So, I think you need to revaluate whats more important to you right now - the burning desire to travel or to build a life with your partner. As other posters have said, you can't have both at this stage, not with your partners current stance. If you chose to go, you risk losing her - if you stay you'll be left with the regret that you didn't do it.

[zippedcube]

Sorry all for the late response! I won't reply to each individual person as there are too many but they are all extremely helpful and thank you for your time taken to write them, it's highly appreciated and enlightening :) I've decided to travel solo for a while in the beginning and my gf may or may not join me after the first few months or so. You guys are right that not doing it and living a life of resent is worse than going and risking the future of the relationship. I hope we can still be together but maybe after a few weeks/months I may miss her so much and cut the trip short.

[abitbroken]

Sorry all for the late response! I won't reply to each individual person as there are too many but they are all extremely helpful and thank you for your time taken to write them, it's highly appreciated and enlightening :) I've decided to travel solo for a while in the beginning and my gf may or may not join me after the first few months or so. You guys are right that not doing it and living a life of resent is worse than going and risking the future of the relationship. I hope we can still be together but maybe after a few weeks/months I may miss her so much and cut the trip short.

 

You can always have it both ways -- travel for a month and go home. If travel was all that was cracked up to be ===then go somewhere else again in a few months or tell her good bye forever and travel a year. If you decide after a month the itch was scratched and you really want to marry this woman also, you satisfied your itch and you can always travel again someday. But if six months into travel you change your mind and want to be with her -- she could rightfully be long gone