Confused. Break up for difficulties in compatibility/fading attraction?

[Bubbl12]

It is difficult to present my situation, my mixed feelings. I should just sum up our relationship briefly. My attraction for my gf has been up and down and has dropped terribly recently. Gradually, in these 2 years that we’ve been together (with a break in between), mostly related to her body. She has a very pretty face but I wish she had less weight issues, although I give her honest reaffirmation as often as possible, but it is very difficult for me because I know how devastating it would be for her to learn this. I am quite slim and a bit athletic, I get compliments for that quite often, she has a normal thin body but she is prone to a bit extra weight, that she struggles with. Her Mom has diabetes and is overweight. She is organized, caring, she pays attention to small details I tell her, she sacrifices her free time for me without me asking. She tells me that our relationship gives so much strength to her. We could see each other every 2-3 months in the last year. She has a great relationship with my Mom, but I have a polite, formal one with her parents and I wish I had a better one but they are too stuck in old-fashioned views for me. Since our relationship started, I talk less often with my friends – although it is not her fault. I appreciate that I can share almost all details with her about my life. On the other hand, she doesn't have any hobbies like I do, she does fitness once a week only to regulate her hormone issues. She likes to read about health, she likes to drive her car in her free time. I don't even have a licence. She also has problems with her knee and some dermatological issues put her through a lot of negative emotions and shame daily, related to self image. I play music, I go running, biking, I am learning a new language, have plans to go on a master's programme in Economics or Finance. None of these hobbies can I really do together with her, although we tried and although she is a translator she says I am better at languages (I speak 4, she speaks 3). We are from the same country, but I moved abroad a year ago. My brother has borderline disorder and although this is hard to process for everyone, and I might have to adjust my life to it in the future eve more, she is open-minded to learn about his condition to understand it better but sometimes she has superficial reactions like let's put him in the asylum, so he learns from his mistakes bc he makes everyone's life a disaster. We can spend intimate time together by talking, going for a walk, but the sex isn't that great anymore. I have intrusive thoughts of wanting to date other women to regain my confidence and try to find a better fit, but I would never cheat on her. I know she is special, she has similar frustrations related to her family as I have. I had no real father figure within the family. She had huge conflicts, blaming and she feels also that her family is broken to pieces. She tells me about how caring I am, but I feel more and more that I am out of resources for her and I cannot go on like this. She taught me how to be more organized, keep track of my finances, she taught me to appreciate problematic people more, she taught me a lot in sex, she gave me confidence that I am a valuable man, she taught me I can care for someone and feel true love. I showed her: ways to eat healthier, that she can have multiple careers, a lot of music, recipes in cooking, ways to travel. I still wish she was more open to projects like arts and crafts, writing music or stories, drawing stuff together, I wish she was better at maths, or abstract ideas. But it’s also nice that she is astonished by my math or music skills although she doesn’t always entirely understand those areas. I had a well-off architect gf for a short time before and a too creative or rich girl can intimidate me, my creativity comes in waves and isn’t available always. She wishes I was more organized, controlling my ADD better. I love that she is sweet, charming, practical, organized, ambitious in working hard in the only field she feels herself good enough at, she cares for her family, she is the farthest thing from being a snob, she appreciates the small and simple beauties (sometimes bit too much), she doesn't care about brands, money, fancy cars, clothes, fake and superficial people, not a party person, she has a moral ground in life and she keeps herself to that. We are both bit naïve. My love for her is getting closer to a warm friendship. Sometimes I wish she cared a bit more about her looks and prestige. I feel guilt and I am afraid but also a bit curious of what my life would be without her - I am 28. I have insecurities related to my humour, my ability to build a stable, lasting career (because of my other interest areas), I focus too much on what other people think about me still (she points that out to me often). It's hard to be goofy around her sometimes, I am a bit tense in front of her recently, maybe we lack the chemistry in that. Buying gifts is more characteristic of her language of love, not mine. I feel she puts up too much with how I fail to express my appreciation and love to her, although she would deserve it much more often. differences between our levels of expressions of love. She and her mother put up with the mood swings of her father regularly, for example he tells her in anger that she won't find a bf ever.

 

She still lives at home bc she wants to save money for when her parents become old and sick – she has no siblings. In the beginning I wanted her to move here with me, but she has a career at home, I might again expect too much. Someone said I don't regard her as an equal companion and I have too many expectations. But regardless of all I don’t feel this will work out in the long run. Even if I wish it could somehow, bc she is such an amazing person. I am an ENFP and she is an ESFJ. I am afraid that apart from not treating her as she deserves to be, I might be narcissistic over what I deserve and how she is uncapable of giving me those. I feel like an a***ole for finding problems like that, while for her our relationship is perfect and whatever problem there is, she wants to solve them together. Sometimes I feel she suffocates me a bit with her love, too many messages. She tends to get offended on small things mostly by other people, then she cries, and can be negative for a couple of hours, or days. She is more realistic, I am dreamy, and that is a conflict sometimes too that I feel she doesn’t appreciate my new ideas and doesn’t share my enthusiasm. For both of us this is the first real, intense relationship we had.

[Chris12189]

It is difficult to present my situation, my mixed feelings. I should just sum up our relationship briefly. My attraction for my gf has been up and down and has dropped terribly recently. Gradually, in these 2 years that we’ve been together (with a break in between), mostly related to her body. She has a very pretty face but I wish she had less weight issues, although I give her honest reaffirmation as often as possible, but it is very difficult for me because I know how devastating it would be for her to learn this. I am quite slim and a bit athletic, I get compliments for that quite often, she has a normal thin body but she is prone to a bit extra weight, that she struggles with. Her Mom has diabetes and is overweight. She is organized, caring, she pays attention to small details I tell her, she sacrifices her free time for me without me asking. She tells me that our relationship gives so much strength to her. We could see each other every 2-3 months in the last year. She has a great relationship with my Mom, but I have a polite, formal one with her parents and I wish I had a better one but they are too stuck in old-fashioned views for me. Since our relationship started, I talk less often with my friends – although it is not her fault. I appreciate that I can share almost all details with her about my life. On the other hand, she doesn't have any hobbies like I do, she does fitness once a week only to regulate her hormone issues. She likes to read about health, she likes to drive her car in her free time. I don't even have a licence. She also has problems with her knee and some dermatological issues put her through a lot of negative emotions and shame daily, related to self image. I play music, I go running, biking, I am learning a new language, have plans to go on a master's programme in Economics or Finance. None of these hobbies can I really do together with her, although we tried and although she is a translator she says I am better at languages (I speak 4, she speaks 3). We are from the same country, but I moved abroad a year ago. My brother has borderline disorder and although this is hard to process for everyone, and I might have to adjust my life to it in the future eve more, she is open-minded to learn about his condition to understand it better but sometimes she has superficial reactions like let's put him in the asylum, so he learns from his mistakes bc he makes everyone's life a disaster. We can spend intimate time together by talking, going for a walk, but the sex isn't that great anymore. I have intrusive thoughts of wanting to date other women to regain my confidence and try to find a better fit, but I would never cheat on her. I know she is special, she has similar frustrations related to her family as I have. I had no real father figure within the family. She had huge conflicts, blaming and she feels also that her family is broken to pieces. She tells me about how caring I am, but I feel more and more that I am out of resources for her and I cannot go on like this. She taught me how to be more organized, keep track of my finances, she taught me to appreciate problematic people more, she taught me a lot in sex, she gave me confidence that I am a valuable man, she taught me I can care for someone and feel true love. I showed her: ways to eat healthier, that she can have multiple careers, a lot of music, recipes in cooking, ways to travel. I still wish she was more open to projects like arts and crafts, writing music or stories, drawing stuff together, I wish she was better at maths, or abstract ideas. But it’s also nice that she is astonished by my math or music skills although she doesn’t always entirely understand those areas. I had a well-off architect gf for a short time before and a too creative or rich girl can intimidate me, my creativity comes in waves and isn’t available always. She wishes I was more organized, controlling my ADD better. I love that she is sweet, charming, practical, organized, ambitious in working hard in the only field she feels herself good enough at, she cares for her family, she is the farthest thing from being a snob, she appreciates the small and simple beauties (sometimes bit too much), she doesn't care about brands, money, fancy cars, clothes, fake and superficial people, not a party person, she has a moral ground in life and she keeps herself to that. We are both bit naïve. My love for her is getting closer to a warm friendship. Sometimes I wish she cared a bit more about her looks and prestige. I feel guilt and I am afraid but also a bit curious of what my life would be without her - I am 28. I have insecurities related to my humour, my ability to build a stable, lasting career (because of my other interest areas), I focus too much on what other people think about me still (she points that out to me often). It's hard to be goofy around her sometimes, I am a bit tense in front of her recently, maybe we lack the chemistry in that. Buying gifts is more characteristic of her language of love, not mine. I feel she puts up too much with how I fail to express my appreciation and love to her, although she would deserve it much more often. differences between our levels of expressions of love. She and her mother put up with the mood swings of her father regularly, for example he tells her in anger that she won't find a bf ever.

 

She still lives at home bc she wants to save money for when her parents become old and sick – she has no siblings. In the beginning I wanted her to move here with me, but she has a career at home, I might again expect too much. Someone said I don't regard her as an equal companion and I have too many expectations. But regardless of all I don’t feel this will work out in the long run. Even if I wish it could somehow, bc she is such an amazing person. I am an ENFP and she is an ESFJ. I am afraid that apart from not treating her as she deserves to be, I might be narcissistic over what I deserve and how she is uncapable of giving me those. I feel like an a***ole for finding problems like that, while for her our relationship is perfect and whatever problem there is, she wants to solve them together. Sometimes I feel she suffocates me a bit with her love, too many messages. She tends to get offended on small things mostly by other people, then she cries, and can be negative for a couple of hours, or days. She is more realistic, I am dreamy, and that is a conflict sometimes too that I feel she doesn’t appreciate my new ideas and doesn’t share my enthusiasm. For both of us this is the first real, intense relationship we had.

 

you may want to wait for a female's opinion on this, but if you are unhappy with her weight, why don't you suggest diets you can do together, fitness regimes you can do together. This way your spending time together while helping her work out. I don't think straight up telling her "I dont feel attracted to you anymore" is the way to go about it, but at the same time I completely understand where you are coming from, as its usually physical attraction that sparks the interests between two lovers and then love is built from getting to know each other via personality etc

[MissCanuck]

I think you are seeing that while differences in couples can complement each others, yours are actually highlighting over incompatibility. A person can be a good soul, but not necessarily the right one for you.

 

Do you see a real future with her? It doesn't sound like it.

[DanZee]

Are you guys in Asia? It seems like you're both overachievers. And it would also help if you filled out the Location line in your profile for us to give you advice.

 

But I could tell from your post that your ADD must be acting up. Here in the West, we date girls because we like them. Because they make us happy. Because we find them cute. Because we love them. Because they love us. We're not comparing personalities on the Myers-Briggs test or worrying about all these details of her life. If you're not feeling anything for this girl, you should just let her go and move on.

 

You also said you only see her every 2-3 months during the past year. This is not really a relationship then, which is probably why you want to date other girls where you are. It happens a lot with long-distance relationships. You want a girlfriend who's with you, not just a chat robot on the Internet.

 

There's no shame in breaking up with her. You will give her a chance to find someone to be with and who will appreciate her love. And you'll have the opportunity to find someone who meets more of your demanding standards.

[ThatwasThen]

I don’t feel this will work out in the long run

Then why are you wasting your time with her? Are you here looking for permission (per se) to leave her?

[Bubbl12]

Thank you very much for the empathy, it's nice to hear I am not someone terrible for having such feelings. It's not important which countries, but she lives in Eastern Europe and I live in Western Europe now. I am here to find some people who understand my situation, because it frustrates me a lot everyday. She should be the one who I can share all my worries with and my friends. My friends understand me, but of course no one has been in the very same situation. I know that personality tests are not important. It can happen that I am too analytical over details, when it is only an issue of my heart. I just constantly feel guilty for not finding the capability inside me for long term commitment, although I find the feeling of warmth and love for her, I appreciate her a lot, and I care about her, so thinking of breaking up forever is a very difficult thought. Letting her go when also she was one of the people who I cared for me the most from anyone I've ever met is very difficult, when It is so great feeling to care about her. But still I feel there are areas where we don't match.

[ThatwasThen]

Thank you very much for the empathy, it's nice to hear I am not someone terrible for having such feelings. It's not important which countries, but she lives in Eastern Europe and I live in Western Europe now. I am here to find some people who understand my situation, because it frustrates me a lot everyday. She should be the one who I can share all my worries with and my friends. My friends understand me, but of course no one has been in the very same situation. I know that personality tests are not important. It can happen that I am too analytical over details, when it is only an issue of my heart. I just constantly feel guilty for not finding the capability inside me for long term commitment, although I find the feeling of warmth and love for her, I appreciate her a lot, and I care about her, so thinking of breaking up forever is a very difficult thought. Letting her go when also she was one of the people who I cared for me the most from anyone I've ever met is very difficult, when It is so great feeling to care about her. But still I feel there are areas where we don't match.

So, what will you do?

[Bubbl12]

I have tried telling her to work out together and I can try to encourage that again. But it's hard if she doesn't work out the way she would need to in order to be more slim by herself. I also gave hints to her about that. The issue is that I have a job that is mainly afternoon shifts with different days every week and she has a normal 9-5 job, so it is really difficult to schedule to work out together in a long distance relationship like this. But I could try that again.

[Bubbl12]

I need to talk to her about my feelings. But I should come to terms with myself on whether we could fix this relationship or whether I really see no future. That is difficult to come to terms with. Sometimes I feel it is mostly fear that holds me back and not love unfortunately.

[Tinydance]

Well how overweight is your girlfriend? Is she really big or more just chubby? I think unfortunately people's genetics do play a part in body size. If she's very large/obese, yes it's good to get onto a healthy lifestyle and lose weight for health reasons. But if she's just chubby I don't see why you need to pressure her about diets and so on. Also a person is more than just their body size so just keep in mind it's not good to be shallow because throughout life people do put on weight and get older. It's the personality of the person and love and connection that keep a relationship going because looks can fade. Although if you're just not attracted to your girlfriend anymore then you can't really help that and you should just end the relationship.

 

Also I know you wish she had such and such hobbies and did such and such things but the thing is we can't change people. If you want to be in a relationship with someone you need to accept and love them as they are. I mean you have your flaws too as does everyone and we can all be annoying sometimes and have bad habits etc. People ultimately don't change and can't change their actual personality. Also why does she have to have certain hobbies just because you want her to? What if she told you to get a hobby but you're not interested in it?

 

I think when dating you need to choose someone with similar values and goals as you and yes it does help to have at least some things in common. If the person doesn't match what you want then don't waste your time or theirs and just don't be in a relationship.

[reinventmyself]

You mentioned she is slim but has a propensity to out on extra weight?

What kind of weight are we talking about here?

I just get the sense you are viewing her through a microscope.

You'll find something wrong with everyone if you try hard enough.

Having said that if you're trying to build a case to leave her, you have enough reasons.

[Bubbl12]

I talked to her about my guilt about wanting to move to different places or travel, about my doubts about the LDR. She told me she wishes she felt more valued by me recently, If I respected her more with listening to her when she is speaking, that I didn't keep my promises of increasing my effort in certain directions since we got back together, and we both resent not letting our relationship step to the next level by seeing when and how we could reunite. These make it seem like I am the obstacle, my lack of faith in our future. I am afraid I'm too narcissistic. I arrived to a point in my career and my life where I could choose from several almost equally reasonable directions and this puts quite a lot of stress on me. I am in the paradox of choice, where I could follow a career in graphic design, financial analysis, marketing, teaching or music and very often I change my mind about which activity is my top priority. She sometimes envies me for being good at so many things, although I miss the persistence and the willingness to focus on one thing for long enough to achieve better results. Which she has a hard time understanding because she still doesn't really know what she is good at apart from organizing, administration which is a universally valuable skill, that I am actually not that good at - being the scattered person I am. Sometimes I feel our differences are limiting me, like I would like to be able to talk about art or technical business stuff with her on equal terms and not just me lecturing her and have her to relate to them by experience. These feelings are also contributing to me not being able to advance in my life, because I spend too much time thinking about what's wrong, even if 60% I try not to be negative and I can enjoy her company as I also believe she has a lot to teach me in certain areas and we help each other tremendously to understand ourselves better, like some sort of career coaches. I feel like I need to have a serious change in my life, like a new school or a new job, to have a more inspiring environment around me and we both have fears if our relationship will and should survive these changes. In fact, I know that above all else my own feelings of inferiority are those that need to be overcome, and letting myself be just happy with the way I am, not wanting to prove all the time that I am worth something more. These external motivations are potentially destroying my relationships with everyone, through constant self-doubt - which has been a characteristic of mine for at least 10 years now. Many people have a difficult personality, but I constantly feel that I am pointing fingers at her in my mind, though it is me who's not cooperating enough. She said if she doesn't feel effort from my side she won't break herself either to overdo her efforts. I miss being more carefree, but I definitely have to learn to take more responsibility for my decisions and follow up on them - as a way of reliability to myself and others. This way I might not project my own lack of clear ambitions out of inferioirity onto others.

What do you think? Am I interpreting the situation the right way? Is this common?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you seem have lost attraction, feelings and respect for her and all she represents to you is dead weight that you resent having around. The kindest thing to do is end it diplomatically and set both of yourselves free.