Being the sandwich generation 😬

[Seraphim]

My husband and I have reached the age where parents are losing independence ( his not mine ) and our child is not fully independent. It is a difficult type wire to walk. Everyone needs you and you are still chained to a career/job because you are not yet a creature of leisure.

 

The life of the middle aged. Kids need you, parents need you and work needs you. How to balance all that and not go bat crap crazy.

[arjumand]

You have to keep an eye on whether everything you are doing really needs to be done -- are the parents as far along as you think they are? You want to try to keep them as independent as possible, but that doesn't mean they have to stay in their old house or drive. My brothers simply would not listen to me about the deterioration of my parents but I finally got them into independent living and got rid of the car and suddenly my brothers are aware of their memory issues and are acting like this is all new. Get help any way you can. I am lucky because my parents can afford to live in a place that provides meals and has medical care and activities, not everyone does, but there are agencies, etc. Get help, ask for help, and if you have siblings, spread it around. Even if you kind of have to be a b*&^% to make it happen.

 

As for the kids, the same thing applies. How much help do they really need or are they actually pretty independent and you are just not ready to see it? Again, you have a husband, make sure he is doing his part and use other resources, including the school and youth groups, to get help getting your kid to where he or she needs to be.

 

And make sure you take time for yourself -- vacations, or just days off with your spouse where you loll about and do nothing, or work out or go hiking. You can't help others if you aren't taking care of yourself.

[Seraphim]

Well, my husband’s parents want no help but their children and we are 3 hours away. His sister is there . They do not want any provided meals they do not want anybody in their house to do cleaning they do not want anybody in their home. But their own children . And they certainly aren’t going to a home . We tried that. Ain’t ever happening. Except now my mother-in-law has cancer and my father-in-law has Parkinson’s and dementia . Believe me there are way beyond the scope of looking after themselves . My father-in-law needs assistance even dressing in proper clothing and has right and left written on his shoes .

 

My son well day to day he’s fine but not yet ready to live on his own .

[arjumand]

So this is the real problem, not just that they cannot really take care of themselves but that they won't make the changes necessary because they don't want to give up their independence. I hope we remember, although we likely won't, when we get old that we should be willing to make changes to maintain more independence as we age (i.e. move to a place with more help so that our children aren't running every moment of our lives). But will we?

 

As for keeping them where they are, obviously, that isn't tenable, but you all will have to decide when you are going to move them against their wills. You can't run back and forth and one person can't do everything for them, that is too much. You can tell them you would like them to move near you because you want to help more, but that may not improve anything. It is an impossible situation and I am sorry you are in it.

[Seraphim]

So this is the real problem, not just that they cannot really take care of themselves but that they won't make the changes necessary because they don't want to give up their independence. I hope we remember, although we likely won't, when we get old that we should be willing to make changes to maintain more independence as we age (i.e. move to a place with more help so that our children aren't running every moment of our lives). But will we?

 

As for keeping them where they are, obviously, that isn't tenable, but you all will have to decide when you are going to move them against their wills. You can't run back and forth and one person can't do everything for them, that is too much. You can tell them you would like them to move near you because you want to help more, but that may not improve anything. It is an impossible situation and I am sorry you are in it.

Them moving closer to me is not possible nor would they. Unfortunately ,being my mother-in-law is of sound mind I can’t force them to do anything we already tried . :( and their daughter who is the executor of their will and the holder of their power of attorney won’t do anything against their will . And unfortunately they are more than happy to have her doing things for them on her own since she was home for 36 years with them caring for her every need . But unfortunately for her she is burnt out . But she won’t make a move against their will and neither will my husband . And I as a daughter in law have no say . They are just two old old school British folks that are going to go down with the ship if they have to .

[abitbroken]

Will they listen if their doctor lays down the law - that they need a nurse to come in so many times a week and that's that to take the onus off their kids? Like writing a prescription so to speak. I know my uncle would listen to 'authority figures" like a doctor, police officer, etc, but not family

[Seraphim]

Will they listen if their doctor lays down the law - that they need a nurse to come in so many times a week and that's that to take the onus off their kids? Like writing a prescription so to speak. I know my uncle would listen to 'authority figures" like a doctor, police officer, etc, but not family

Nope. Drs make less an impression than we do. She ended up in the hospital for 3 weeks last year because she refused to take blood pressure meds for a decade because “ she knows better about how she feels than some dr.” The dr strongly advised her more than 20 years ago to do the double mastectomy. She said no and now at 83 she has breast cancer AGAIN and is having another mastectomy at 83. Drs make no impact on her at all other than an annoyance.

[luminousone]

Well, my husband’s parents want no help but their children and we are 3 hours away. His sister is there . They do not want any provided meals they do not want anybody in their house to do cleaning they do not want anybody in their home. But their own children . And they certainly aren’t going to a home . We tried that. Ain’t ever happening. Except now my mother-in-law has cancer and my father-in-law has Parkinson’s and dementia . Believe me there are way beyond the scope of looking after themselves . My father-in-law needs assistance even dressing in proper clothing and has right and left written on his shoes .

 

My son well day to day he’s fine but not yet ready to live on his own .

 

You already know my story of how my parents refused to move. And how my mom with dementia chased any help out the door (she really scared them and they would not come back). My dad couldn't get himself up the stairs, and my mom was out sweeping the street in front of their house and yelling at the cars "messing" it up. It was a mess, but they were determined.

 

What finally precipitated the decision to move - my dad had to go into the hospital, and he knew my mom couldn't live on her own. My brother took a leave of absence from work, but that ran out. So my dad made the final decision. We had a place lined up - my brother and sister had been researching for months, and fortunately this place had 2 openings.

 

It just had to come to a head. We tried in-home help, my brother used up all of his vacation and leave time, we had no other option left.

 

You may just get to that place. Your MIL is going to need some medical care, and she will not be able to care for her husband during that time, and she likely knows that. Your husband likely has a limited amount of leave available. So, the upcoming options are: in-home help or moving to a care center.

 

Now is the time for your husband to have those difficult conversations with his mom. He should make sure he has power of attorney before she has her surgery.

 

So sorry you are going through this. It is a tough place to be in. I am extremely grateful to the work my siblings have done throughout this process - I couldn't leave my work and kids ( although I fly out there every chance I get).

[luminousone]

Oh, I see that his sister has power of attorney. At least that is in place.

[Seraphim]

Yeah that’s the thing. My father-in-law would chase anybody who is in there to help to get rid of them . And my mother-in-law would be tottering around behind them telling them how to do everything .

 

And my father-in-law’s very definite about having nobody in his house but his children they haven’t had anybody come to their house not even a friend in probably 30 years.

 

Last year when she was in the hospital everybody used up their leave . So my husband is getting compassionate leave this time . In the military you’re only going to get that so many times . And my sister-in-law is a teacher so she’s only going to get so many days off . And as they get older this is just going to get worse . They have to realize they are endangering their children’s employment .

 

I think things will only change and come to a head when my sister-in-law gets good and fed up . When her work tells her her employment is at risk and she’s fought her brother enough to where he’s not talking to her is when something will happen .

[journeynow]

I feel for elderly people hanging onto their independence by a thread with their loved ones judging their choices and resenting them for them. Imagine being at that point, you have some moments better than others and are not ready to throw in the towel. It's hard for everyone. Those close by, those who live afar, worried about the decline of the older generation.

[Seraphim]

I feel for elderly people hanging onto their independence by a thread with their loved ones judging their choices and resenting them for them. Imagine being at that point, you have some moments better than others and are not ready to throw in the towel. It's hard for everyone. Those close by, those who live afar, worried about the decline of the older generation.

We don’t resent them ( well he doesn’t . They have never been nice to me so we all know what I think about that ) we fear one day they are going to be dead DUE to their bad choices.They are barely hanging on their independence by a thread . Barely. And the military only gives out so much compassionate leave before you become an administrative burden and they start punishing you . My husband is one of two people who writes exams in Standards for his unit he is not easily replaced . If he’s not writing exams for courses technicians cannot be trained . It starts becoming a big problem . The military can’t stop rolling out technicians because somebody’s parents want to be stubborn .

[Seraphim]

Last fall I also gave them a stack of resources and numbers and said I would help get them services etc to help them stay home and take the pressure off my SIL They told me NOPE NOPE NOPE and NOPE. I even had a social worker helping me to help them so they COULD be home much easier. I was told a resounding no, and my husband was told the same. They want NO outsiders ONLY family. But the only family they have right there is their daughter who works full time as a teacher.

[Batya33]

My husband and I have reached the age where parents are losing independence ( his not mine ) and our child is not fully independent. It is a difficult type wire to walk. Everyone needs you and you are still chained to a career/job because you are not yet a creature of leisure.

 

The life of the middle aged. Kids need you, parents need you and work needs you. How to balance all that and not go bat crap crazy.

 

Not much help and I can relate. Our parents were in their 70s-80s when we became parents. I could not really relate to what it was like to have grandparents of our child as caretakers- we were their caretakers (not complaining when I write that, at all, it just "is"). I spent a lot of time solo parenting those first 7 years because my inlaws were ill. When my father was ill (severe Alzheimers) I did a lot of the financial work related to his health care and interacted with the attorneys we needed. I was very lucky that during those 7 years I was a full time parent so my work was with my child not outside the home but it was darn hard. One positive thing was we knew going into this that this would be the situation - we knew their ages, their health conditions etc. My mother is the only one who is still alive and thank goodness she is doing fantastically well. I just wanted to share that I get it and it is so hard. And I wish you all the best and hope I can help with specific issues you may choose to post about.

[journeynow]

Last fall I also gave them a stack of resources and numbers and said I would help get them services etc to help them stay home and take the pressure off my SIL They told me NOPE NOPE NOPE and NOPE

I know. I've been through this with both my parents and my in-laws and uncle, and I've seen it happen with my friends. As I see it now, their stubbornness is their way of still feeling like they have some kind of control in their life (wether it is effective or not) and that giving that up is where they start giving up life. After that they are just along for the ride until their death. It's a very hard threshold for people of all kinds to face.

[Seraphim]

Not much help and I can relate. Our parents were in their 70s-80s when we became parents. I could not really relate to what it was like to have grandparents of our child as caretakers- we were their caretakers (not complaining when I write that, at all, it just "is"). I spent a lot of time solo parenting those first 7 years because my inlaws were ill. When my father was ill (severe Alzheimers) I did a lot of the financial work related to his health care and interacted with the attorneys we needed. I was very lucky that during those 7 years I was a full time parent so my work was with my child not outside the home but it was darn hard. One positive thing was we knew going into this that this would be the situation - we knew their ages, their health conditions etc. My mother is the only one who is still alive and thank goodness she is doing fantastically well. I just wanted to share that I get it and it is so hard. And I wish you all the best and hope I can help with specific issues you may choose to post about.

Thanks. It means a lot.

 

My husband is considered an “ outsider” because he married. For that reason he was kept out of executive capacity for his parents. We weren’t even told my FIL had Parkinson’s for YEARS until it was clearly evident and we called bullish.t on their excuses. We weren’t even told about the dementia until we noticed his memory was severely lacking. They had kids specifically to care for them in old age. We will have no such luxury as our child will need our help not the other way around. Not that we had him to care for us. We will have a plan in place in care for our life.

 

Then my mom will be elderly next decade once we ourselves are retired.

[journeynow]

we fear one day they are going to be dead DUE to their bad choices

Right, but it is their choice.

 

Me, I'd rather be dead due to a bad choice of MINE than parked and powerless and living a non-life in a nursing home ($$) because other people worry I might die.

[Seraphim]

I know. I've been through this with both my parents and my in-laws and uncle, and I've seen it happen with my friends. As I see it now, their stubbornness is their way of still feeling like they have some kind of control in their life (wether it is effective or not) and that giving that up is where they start giving up life. After that they are just along for the ride until their death. It's a very hard threshold for people of all kinds to face.

Yes, it is so difficult. I know I would not want to give up either. They have been master of their own ships since they left school at 14.

[journeynow]

They have been master of their own ships since they left school at 14

Wow, 14...almost all their lives. Old habits are pretty embedded.

[Seraphim]

Right, but it is their choice.

 

Me, I'd rather be dead due to a bad choice of MINE than parked and powerless and living a non-life in a nursing home ($$) because other people worry I might die.

Not every nursing home is a non life though. My grandfather had outings and art lessons and a pool and a movie theatre at his. He said it was the best time and he would’ve done it 10 years earlier had he known .

[Seraphim]

Wow, 14...almost all their lives. Old habits are pretty embedded.

 

At that time in the UK your schooling was done and out you go.

[journeynow]

Not every nursing home is a non life though. My grandfather had outings and art lessons and a pool and a movie theatre at his. He said it was the best time and he would’ve done it 10 years earlier had he known .

 

I know. I think they go by different names, Retirement Living, Assisted Living, Skilled Nursing Care, Memory Care.

[Seraphim]

I know. I think they go by different names, Retirement Living, Assisted Living, Skilled Nursing Care, Memory Care.

What my inlaws live now is a non life. For the past 25 years they’ve sat in a chair in front of a television . They retired at 60 sat down and never got up again . But my father-in-law is extremely antisocial . And I kind of understand it he has PTSD from being raised as a child of war . He cannot tolerate people . And his bad tempered and wants everything his way. And he has always been that way . And if he goes to a home it won’t be his way so that’s why he won’t go . And my mother-in-law just follows whatever he says .