His mental health is affecting mine

[kathy679]

Ok so im not sure of the title or whether im in the right catagory as there are an accumilation of problems here.

 

Basically i feel like my head is about to explode with all of this thinking that is going on in my head.

 

First problem is that im moving house, but the only place i can afford is about 45 miles away from my friends and my job

 

I no moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do, but its not really the picking my stuff up and moving thats causing me anxiety, its being away from all of my friends, my support network, and familair sorroundings thats bothering me. I dont want to move that far away from everyone but the houses there are cheaper.

 

My mental health isnt very good at the moment and although ive been getting professional help its not helping.

I dont think this is helping me think straight or make good desions

 

I noticed a few weeks ago my boyfriend started to get ill as well and then he lost his job so he cant move in with me now. So im going to have to find another job as mine was only part time. Thats another change.

Hes told me to trust him and that he will get another job but i dont think its about trust, its about whether he will get offered more work, but hes making it about his pride.

 

Im not sure i want to be with him anymore anyway as we are not getting on and hes adding to my stress.

If he does get another job im worried that if we move in togther its going to be drama still because neither of us feel very well at the moment and we may just not get on. To be honest im not sure how i feel about him anymore ive seen a horrid side to him just lately.

He still loves me but im just not sure.

 

The house is all in my name and money but there is no garantee i will be able to get another job. I like my job too and dont want to quit. Plus all of this change and a change of job too isnt going to help my mental health, which feels in tatters right now

 

I feel like my head is thumping from over thinking and i dont feel well at all. Im not sure what i should do.

[MissCanuck]

What is this horrid side you've seen in him lately?

 

How will you support yourself in your new home if you don't think you can manage taking on another job? Looking at the practical side of things, this doesn't sound like a great set-up, though I understand that circumstances might necessitate a move.

[kathy679]

Hes been getting anxious and has kept contacting me late at night about his anxiety. I told him not to do this when its time for sleep.

He was drinking alcohol which made it worse but hes now stopped as it was the cause of alot of his anxiety. Although it is still there.

He has been frustrated and this has made him shout alot. Not really at me but at the world. He has seeked help which is good but hes told me he feels useless hes lost his job.

 

To support myself i will take on another job if i have to. Its just not good timing for me to change my job at the same time as moving as i like my job but if it means paying the bills i will have no choice.

 

Circumstances have promted this move. Im living at my mums and i need to branch out. Its such a shame the houses around here are out of my price range so moving 45 miles north ive found ive been accepted for a morgage.

[Chai]

Hi Kathy,

 

I am also wondering what it is that is forcing you to move 45 miles away? You are right, it is a lot of changes and as someone who suffers from mental illness myself, I know how much lots of changes (or even one big change) can upset the apple cart if I am not in a stable state of mind.

 

From experience I would say that a support network and also stable employment are some of THE most important elements supporting your capacity to regain mental health stability. 45 miles is quite a distance. It seems to me the sort of move you do to make your life better and from a position of being well.

 

The issues with the guy seem like they may not need your immediate attention. I think that your priority is putting the pieces in place (work, house, support network), so that you can heal and grow stronger. This guy might be just distracting you from building your base.

 

From a weak position in mental health, I know how easy it can be to spiral, and then it can take YEARS to get back to your stable place. Take care and reach out whenever you need to.

 

xx Chai

[Chai]

Hi Kathy,

 

Just read your response to MissCanuck about your move. Moving out of your Mum's house is obviously a positive step, as is buying your own home.

 

If it was me, I would be focusing on everything to build the infrastructure of my life - stable work, home, support network.

 

I would also make sure that I could get adequate psychological care in the place that I was moving to. Can you get some support from a psychologist to help you to make this transition?

 

Cheers,

Chai :-)

[kathy679]

Hi chai.

Moving is something that i have to do because i have a large deposit on a house it will be a lot cheaper than renting. The nearest i could get that i can afford is 45 miles away.

I have looked into local charities for mental health in the area and ive been having cbt which was helping but now my mental health has spiralled

 

I guess moving is the only option.

And im trying to lay down the foundations for myself in preparation for maybe doing it alone. I just feel like im getting ill again with all this uncertainty and leaving my support network behind. Im not really sure what to do?

Im going to try and seek more help but for now im feeling really insecure and alone with it all

 

And i have nt even moved yet so god knows what ill feel like then

[Chai]

Hi Kathy,

 

It is understandable that you feel anxious. Moving is very stressful and as you say, you are moving away from your comfort zone. When I moved to the city from the country in Australia I felt so incredibly unsure. I wanted desperately to undo the decision and to just stay safe and warm in my beautiful house on the coast. I was terrified. Our fear can be quite irrational though, and I know this, because moving to Melbourne was the BEST thing I have ever done. My life has become a million times better than it was when I was in that tiny town. Of course, I spent YEARS building my personal strength to get to the point of being able to move without the wheels falling off, but 45 miles is a lot shorter distance than the 360 miles that I travelled, and buying your own home will obviously give you some stability.

 

I think the important thing is to try and focus on the place that you are going. You mentioned that there might be opportunities for support from mental health professionals in the place you are moving to. I would encourage you to reach out and find out a few contacts before you go, and even set up an appointment for after you move. If your support network will be at a distance does this new locality have the population to support you finding new friends or to engaging with others in common interests? What is the population of town new vs town old?

 

If you are feeling like your mental health is really spiralling out of control, I think that THE most important thing to do is to seek psychological care, even if it is in the area where you are now, to support you and help you to make these decisions.

 

Take care of yourself, Kathy.

[LightWave93]

The "horrid" side to him sounds like his struggles to do with anxiety and maybe depression. If this is the case, whilst I sympathize with how difficult it can be to cope with such behavior, I also suggest you be mindful that he is struggling with something that is not easy to cope with. Also, to flip it around, I dare say he has seen a "horrid" side to you with your mental health issues; would you expect him to be more understanding?

 

Whether or not to remain with him is up to you, but you are both struggling with mental health at the moment and this is quite often a place where it's difficult to make decisions about relationships because it clouds judgement, your real emotions etc. Maybe give it more time.

 

As for the move and everything else; I'm sorry it's been so stressful on top of the mental health issues, but I'm glad to see you're getting help. I used to be quite an anxious person myself, and everything would worry me, but eventually I just learned to let go and "become numb" to most things that, in others, would cause a lot of worry. Not sure how I went about achieving it, but for you I recommend focusing less on what may go wrong with the move etc, and focus more on what may go right!

[MissCanuck]

What sort of mental health issues do you suffer from, OP?

[DancingFool]

I think you need to change your perspective a little bit. 45 miles is just a mere hour away. You aren't leaving anything behind. In fact, your friends, family, support network are well within reach to you. You aren't moving to Timbuktu, only down the road so to speak.

 

So instead of looking at this as a negative experience, maybe try to focus on the positives - you have YOUR own house now. You can decorate how you want, you can do what you want, you can have friends come over and stay with you and enjoy that. You can add new friends to your life who live nearby over time. Maybe some nice new people in the neighborhood even. You can drive over and see your family and friends any time you want - it's just 60 minutes or less. Your existing support is nearby plus new opportunities opening up in front of you.

 

As for the bf, honestly, don't move in together when your relationship is on the rocks like that. You are seeing what he is like under stress and it's not pretty. If he is taking it out on you, shouting, being abusive, etc., then probably best to send him packing.

[kathy679]

What sort of mental health issues do you suffer from, OP?

 

Anxiety and depression the same as my boyfriend.

In some ways we have helped each other in the past but lately weve both not been coping very well.

[kathy679]

I think you need to change your perspective a little bit. 45 miles is just a mere hour away. You aren't leaving anything behind. In fact, your friends, family, support network are well within reach to you. You aren't moving to Timbuktu, only down the road so to speak.

 

So instead of looking at this as a negative experience, maybe try to focus on the positives - you have YOUR own house now. You can decorate how you want, you can do what you want, you can have friends come over and stay with you and enjoy that. You can add new friends to your life who live nearby over time. Maybe some nice new people in the neighborhood even. You can drive over and see your family and friends any time you want - it's just 60 minutes or less. Your existing support is nearby plus new opportunities opening up in front of you.

 

As for the bf, honestly, don't move in together when your relationship is on the rocks like that. You are seeing what he is like under stress and it's not pretty. If he is taking it out on you, shouting, being abusive, etc., then probably best to send him packing.

 

Yes i know its only 45 miles away but when you have anxiety and depression change is a lot harder to deal with.

Its true there are some good points and ive written them all down as a reminder when i feel low. Looking at the list has helped. Ive even used cbt techniques to help me which have been good. Its just the past few weeks that have been hard because of my boyfriend being so angry and the realisation for me that i may need to find another job because i dont think we should move in togther if we are both struggling with our own mental healths

 

Ive already put plans in place to meet new people as ive joined some online groups where people meet up with common interests. I havent been to any yet but im planning to

[DancingFool]

Yes i know its only 45 miles away but when you have anxiety and depression change is a lot harder to deal with.

Its true there are some good points and ive written them all down as a reminder when i feel low. Looking at the list has helped. Ive even used cbt techniques to help me which have been good. Its just the past few weeks that have been hard because of my boyfriend being so angry and the realisation for me that i may need to find another job because i dont think we should move in togther if we are both struggling with our own mental healths

 

Ive already put plans in place to meet new people as ive joined some online groups where people meet up with common interests. I havent been to any yet but im planning to

 

I'm glad. So now instead of telling yourself it's 45 miles, change it to it's just an easy drive. What you tell yourself, how you frame it for yourself has a tremendous effect on your psyche. If you tell yourself that it's just a quick drive, then it will become that, it will become real to you and you'll feel better after awhile. It will stop looking and feeling like Timbuktu. Right now, rationally you know it's not that far, but emotionally, it's a different story. So now, you have to frame it for yourself so your emotions catch up and get on board too. So make a point of never mentioning miles, just a quick drive and that's all.

[kathy679]

The "horrid" side to him sounds like his struggles to do with anxiety and maybe depression. If this is the case, whilst I sympathize with how difficult it can be to cope with such behavior, I also suggest you be mindful that he is struggling with something that is not easy to cope with. Also, to flip it around, I dare say he has seen a "horrid" side to you with your mental health issues; would you expect him to be more understanding?

 

Whether or not to remain with him is up to you, but you are both struggling with mental health at the moment and this is quite often a place where it's difficult to make decisions about relationships because it clouds judgement, your real emotions etc. Maybe give it more time.

 

As for the move and everything else; I'm sorry it's been so stressful on top of the mental health issues, but I'm glad to see you're getting help. I used to be quite an anxious person myself, and everything would worry me, but eventually I just learned to let go and "become numb" to most things that, in others, would cause a lot of worry. Not sure how I went about achieving it, but for you I recommend focusing less on what may go wrong with the move etc, and focus more on what may go right!

 

Im definatly no angel but i have the same mental health issues as him. All i know is that i dont want to live with a toxic relationship so i need to avoid that even if it means walking away from him

[kathy679]

I'm glad. So now instead of telling yourself it's 45 miles, change it to it's just an easy drive. What you tell yourself, how you frame it for yourself has a tremendous effect on your psyche. If you tell yourself that it's just a quick drive, then it will become that, it will become real to you and you'll feel better after awhile. It will stop looking and feeling like Timbuktu. Right now, rationally you know it's not that far, but emotionally, it's a different story. So now, you have to frame it for yourself so your emotions catch up and get on board too. So make a point of never mentioning miles, just a quick drive and that's all.

 

Thank you i have been doing that but recently my thoughts have been getting a bit warped with everything thats been going on

[DancingFool]

Thank you i have been doing that but recently my thoughts have been getting a bit warped with everything thats been going on

 

Sounds like a lot of it has to do with your bf and not the move itself. If you both have the same issues, then unfortunately you are both liable to drag each other down and keep it that way and not intentionally so, just the general dynamic of such combinations.

[abitbroken]

If you have the same mental health issues as him, it may be that you always drag eachother down, instead of having someone that is complimentary to you -- not identical to you. you could always take on a female roommate if that would help with the bills. It may not be what you want ideally, but especially if you do it temporarily -- if you are near a college find someone who is a grad student that just need to rent for a semester or two....etc... I think you did the right thing by not having him move in with you

[kathy679]

If you have the same mental health issues as him, it may be that you always drag eachother down, instead of having someone that is complimentary to you -- not identical to you. you could always take on a female roommate if that would help with the bills. It may not be what you want ideally, but especially if you do it temporarily -- if you are near a college find someone who is a grad student that just need to rent for a semester or two....etc... I think you did the right thing by not having him move in with you

 

That sounds like a good idea, i had thought about it briefly i think id prefer a woman.

Ideally id like a full time job so i can keep the spare room free for my friends to visit

But its still an option because i like my job and the familiarity of my job too but its not enough hours and will be an hour and a half drive when i move

[kathy679]

Sounds like a lot of it has to do with your bf and not the move itself. If you both have the same issues, then unfortunately you are both liable to drag each other down and keep it that way and not intentionally so, just the general dynamic of such combinations.

 

I was fine with the move until he started getting stressed. I think your right

[DancingFool]

That sounds like a good idea, i had thought about it briefly i think id prefer a woman.

Ideally id like a full time job so i can keep the spare room free for my friends to visit

But its still an option because i like my job and the familiarity of my job too but its not enough hours and will be an hour and a half drive when i move

 

Have you talked to them about getting more hours or going full time? If you have a good history with them and they have that ability, they might be willing to work something out with you or maybe combine some remote work depending on what you do?

[abitbroken]

What about finding a cafe or restaurant that is close to your house and pick up a couple of shifts a week just to pick up some extra money? A lot of restaurants allow students with school schedules or people with other jobs who are working on the side to work set days, etc or if you give them 3 days you have available, they would stick to it if you can work the days they are usually short (one great shift, one crappy one that no one wants because its slow,) And you can always let that job go if your other job increases your hours?

[kathy679]

Have you talked to them about getting more hours or going full time? If you have a good history with them and they have that ability, they might be willing to work something out with you or maybe combine some remote work depending on what you do?

 

No i havent but i know there are some roles being created soon and i have a level 3 teaching qualification so as long as the hours are long enough so that its worth my travel it wont hurt to ask

[abitbroken]

Getting back to the boyfriend -- this is something as an adult he needs to learn how to cope with -- to learn how to self soothe if he is anxious or seek assistance. You cannot be his doctor or mother. You say you have the same issues, but yet you are making changes in your life by buying a house to save money per month. You saw a problem -- housing costs were out of control so you fixed it.

[kathy679]

What about finding a cafe or restaurant that is close to your house and pick up a couple of shifts a week just to pick up some extra money? A lot of restaurants allow students with school schedules or people with other jobs who are working on the side to work set days, etc or if you give them 3 days you have available, they would stick to it if you can work the days they are usually short (one great shift, one crappy one that no one wants because its slow,) And you can always let that job go if your other job increases your hours?

 

I tried a nursing home in the area and as i havent moved yet they told me to call back when im settled and they will see if they have work then.

 

I have thought about this option buts not something i can do until im in that area as its too far to travel for short shifts.

 

My only problem is that its not gauranteed ill find anything but im very pro active and im sure it can be done with regular job searches.

 

Im going to sit down today and write down all my options i can think of

[kathy679]

Getting back to the boyfriend -- this is something as an adult he needs to learn how to cope with -- to learn how to self soothe if he is anxious or seek assistance. You cannot be his doctor or mother. You say you have the same issues, but yet you are making changes in your life by buying a house to save money per month. You saw a problem -- housing costs were out of control so you fixed it.

 

Yes i did. Its not the ideal solution but i made the best choice with whatvi was given.

Getting back to the boyfriend ive told him i dont think its best he moves in but hes not really listening at this moment in time. But my priority is myself here and i will avoid a toxic living environment even if it means moving alone