Struggling a bit with Boyfriend's Frequent Travel Schedule

[journeynow]

Read biographies of John and Abigail Adams. Just think how easy they'd think we have it now as far as travel goes. (They seemed to have a good relationship.) And consider in the future, if we should colonize Mars or other planets, and they'll look back to the simpler time when people lived on the same continent. To be honest, reading about the lives of others who have overcome difficulties somewhat related to my situation helps me in tough times.

[catfeeder]

Errrr... wait. Him responding reasonably when you ask doesn't mean you keep asking for concessions. The issue (at least in this situation) isn't talking about things openly.

 

I agree. This isn't a communication problem, it's a focus problem. If you had no BF to keep you occupied for the duration of time that he's home, then what would you do with yourself to develop the resilience to live a solo life?

 

Well, do THAT. Then the rest takes care of itself.

[journeynow]

There are a lot of professionals whose time away may be too intense for you and would be best avoided.:

Doctor

Law Enforcement

Military

Pilot

CEO

Musician

Restaurateur...or any business owner

Actor

And many more...

 

Perhaps a M-F, 9-5 guy would be a better fit.

 

Right, it's not all that unusual to travel for work. My father traveled for work and was home every other weekend. My siblings all travel for work, one on a schedule like your boyfriend. Not all have the ability to pay for a significant other to join them. Get good at that "special" week, make it your Me Week and do your favorite things, do new things, make it a goal to make new friends during those periods, make it about your own discovery, exploration, and joy.

[Batya33]

I look at it this way - this is showing you that you lack the secure foundation for object constancy -as they use that term with babies. You don't feel like you have a strong enough foundation such that he can go away on these planned trips and you feel secure enough about the two of you that it's ok and that even if you feel distant/not as close that you feel secure that you can revive that when he comes home. So you'd feel this way even if he decided to take up a hobby that had him away on some retreat or convention 3 days a month - it's really not the length but the fact that he is away and you won't be seeing him and that there's not a strong foundation (yet) so that he can go away without it rocking your world.

 

I felt this way in other relationships and i thought seeing the person in person would make it all right again -for good. It was a bandaid. Sure, cuddling, hanging out in person helped for that night but since the foundation wasn't there the doubts reared their ugly heads sooner or later.

 

That's what I would explore -how is the foundation of your couple-hood. My husband travels regularly. When we were dating he traveled regularly plus we were long distance. I missed him a lot. We both wanted daily phone calls. We didn't text because he had a flip phone and I had no phone. We e-mailed some. But while I loved connecting by phone with him I didn't "need" that for reassurance. I only felt insecure during 6-8 hours one day when we'd been dating several months. I hadn't heard from him all day and was worried that it was because somehow he was unhappy with me. It wasn't true. I never felt that way again. Some fleeting doubts are normal and also it's normal to want an SO who doesn't travel for work. That's ok too. But I don''t think that is what the problem is.

[boltnrun]

You two have broken up and gotten back together, correct? And wasn't the breakup and the time before you decided to reconcile particularly unpleasant?

 

That could definitely create a fear response to him being away. You're afraid it will happen again.

[bluecastle]

I lived a version of this for three years with my ex and it never got better. I travel quite a bit for work, often last minute trips, and also have homes in multiple places. I'd fly her with me when it worked, texted constantly, did what I could to make her feel safe and secure but it just didn't add up. She said it herself, toward the end, that if she didn't have "eyes" on me she kind of went into panic mode. It was like the same thing she liked about me (that I live a big, dynamic life) was also something of a threat. I won't bore you with where all that lead, but it wasn't pretty.

 

What I hear in your original post is a lot of insecurity. It's worth digging deep and asking where that comes from. Do you feel good and solid, on your own, or do you need constant affection from another to feel good and solid? Because at a certain point your "communication" starts turning into "tests" where nothing (more texts, phone calls AND texts) actually alleviates what's going on. He's done quite a bit to make you feel secure, so if that's still lacking it's time to just be honest.

 

Maybe you simply need someone who doesn't travel. As another said, this would be my ideal relationship, as I don't want to be smothered and smothering 24/7. Imagining my gf out in the world on her own, engaging in activities she likes, meeting new people, even lightly flirting with dudes, are all things that bring me a sense of comfort, a reminder that we're two individuals sharing space and complimenting each other and not some inorganic fusion where two people become one. Again, to each her own, but you've got to own what you want and what you can handle.