In a pickle. Advice Needed.

[figureitout23]

I don't usually go back on peoples threads but.....

 

I made plans to visit my daughter. My ex and I agreed I could stay stay with her to save money. The day before I left we had a conversation and she mentioned she needed a “booty call” and that it (sex) had been a while. Well long story short it happened, more than once. It was passionate. She said to not “catch feelings”. Well I did. She has stated that she wants to stay single.

All the progress I had made as far as healing has been wiped clean.

 

OP please be careful, you are grieving for this relationship and you are still very raw. Your ex wants to be single. For you to accept this means you need to start making some changes. Don't sleep with her!

 

Oh I do, I'm the queen of quotes. keeps people honest when they want responders to help them delude themselves.

 

OPer you know full well this is a horrible idea. You can't find a single friend to stay with? Hell thats her hometown can't she find someone to stay with and let you stay there? You're both single, breakup sex happened before, you still want to reconcile. This has broken heart ahead written all over it.

 

Unless she wants you to stay there because she wants you to work in your relationship and family you will be playing pretend for a couple of days and if you don't think that will set you back I have a Nigerian Prince who wants to talk to you about a once in a lifetime opportunity.

[boltnrun]

I feel you are not so secretly hoping what happened last time will happen again. You're only remembering the feelings of exhilaration, not the despair you felt afterward.

 

Yes, kids get confused. My parents were divorced, my dad married again but that marriage didn't last. After that divorce my mom and I would go to his house every weekend. Mom would do her laundry and make him a nice dinner. It looked for a while like they might reconcile (which, FYI, I was opposed to). But he ended up marrying someone else. I can't even imagine the torment that must have put my mom through, and it was completely confusing for us kids.

 

So, yeah. Kids notice things.

[IAmFCA]

It’s still so raw and I’m completely clueless on the part where the kids could subsequently be confused. That not my intention at all. I just wanna see them and unfortunately this is my only way to do it :( .

 

I like how you said it’s the “early days” and as I evolve I’ll find a better answer. That’s my plan, to find a better answer.

 

Can you describe your evolution and transition to this new way of life? Did you break it off ?

 

Red88

Thank you for asking. Yes, i do recall a few pointers that helped me, and I included them in my negotiations and my thoughts.

 

First off - i needed to get extremely hard nosed about my priorities. House versus apartment versus location versus job versus school tuition.... i wasn't going to be able tohave all of it. It WILL change. This was hard. Then...

 

1. I offered whatever I could to encourage him to live close by. He refused, and lives an hour away with the OW. I work hard to keep my life close in, so I drew a firm line: he has to pick up and drop off. In the 10 years +/- hence, I have never once seen where he lives. I didn't want to give any tacit approval, validation, anything. I have drawn a very hard line, regardless of convenience in specific instances etc. I just don't go there.

 

2. I paid for control (and dearly). By that I mean that I decided my priorities, and to the degree there were joint decisions, I let him off the hook for the cost in exchange for me having sole responsibility and authority. This was especially relevant as a consideration with respect to the kids' education, medical, etc.

 

3. To transition forward, I focused on two areas: maximize consistency for the kids, and maximize love and acceptance for all. I was in recovery mode for a few years. Later, Moved into the mode of How do we thrive? First, i had to make sure we felt secure financially, emotionally, practically.

 

With respect to anger - I worked hard to eliminate it, within. I knew my kids would pick up on my internal truth, and I committed to being authentic with them. So, i could not have anger. I had to learn to be at peace. I recognized that I would make different choices than the ones he made, and that is his privilege and mine. Also, I chose him: my mistake. I regarded the break up as my cost for making an erroneous decision, and became thankful for it. It was, in a way, how hard a kick i needed in order to learn what I needed to learn.

 

Henceforth, i have tried to be less obtuse. I have no idea if I am succeeding!

[IAmFCA]

So... yes i broke it off. I asked him to communicate only by email, and changed that only years into it, when we slowly began to trust each other again (sort of).

 

I told my kids No Facetime! He would ask them to walk around the house with FT on, so he could see where we live. For what? Evidence of a man? Of unexpected wealth? I have no idea. I shut it down. That was hard. I told my kids it was a security issue and to be safe we just wouldn't FT anyone, not even grandparents.

 

I realized I needed to give my kids skills, because my ex is my ex... if he behaved differently, he wouldn't be my ex! So it made sense that i had to teach them boundaries too. It has turned out to be useful in their teen years.

 

I stick to the agreement. Not rigidly, but nearly so. It pays off in stability and predictability.

 

This is the distance that allows he and I to love each other. When my parent died, he and I talked about it. It is one of the few times I cried. We love each other, but I want very little to do with him. Love is a very broad emotion, and I am glad to understand it that way, now.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you know this is a bad idea. But I think you're hoping that by presenting enough reasons why you should stay there, posters will concede. I can't in good faith recommend that you stay under the same roof as her since this will surely lead to more pain for you. Regardless, whatever you and she arrange:

 

Take the kids out, without her. Let them get in some quality Dad-time. Mom doesn't need to be there.

 

Don't ask questions about where she's going or who she's staying with. You only need to know that she is reachable in the even of an emergency with one of the children.

 

Keep your kids in the forefront of your mind when engaging with her. Seeing Mom and Dad together then apart then together then apart is far too confusing and not healthy for them. They are extremely perceptive little beings, and even if you think you two are being private about any ex-booty-call, you're likely not hiding it as well as you hope. That's not fair to the kids. Remember this is you are tempted to make a move on the ex.

[figureitout23]

What is everyone’s advice on how to carry myself or act? I don’t wanna seem needy or clingy?

 

What type of behavior or body language would give the impression that I’m over it (which I’m not) and moving on. What could I do to possibly give her the impression that I’m fine and over it? The reason I ask is because I don’t wanna seem weak,needy,clingy,etc. I want to give off the impression that I’m strong and “over it” and happy ? How would someone who is totally over the whole situation act ? Even though I’m not, I want to act as if I am, even though I may be turning on the inside.

 

What is my best approach to maintain healing while being in such close quarters?

 

Red88

 

Giving you advice on this would be a huge disservice to you.

 

It's like you're saying

 

" yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you, bad idea... buuuuut what can I do to make myself more appealing?"

 

You shouldn't even be talking to her! Much less worrying about being aloof! Focus on your kids dude.gah this is such a bad idea.

[Red88]

I’ve taken the next two days off work, packing clothes now, about to hit the road.

 

I know this isn’t the ideal situation to see my kids. I know nobody there to stay with. I will push the idea of her staying with friends or relatives.

 

What’s hit home is the confusion of the kids. This was not my intention when planning this trip. And I won’t ever again put them or myself in this position again. I just miss them to the end of the earth.

The next time I plan to visit I’ll have saved money for a hotel room.

 

I WILL NOT do ex sex. Period. Not happening. I’ll sleep on the couch at night. I’ll plan days out with the kids and avoid any 1 on 1 with her as possible. Each time I’ve done this I’ve given in to exsex, all that stuff. Not this time. Strictly business, all about kids.

 

I know everyone had told me this is a bad idea. A part of me agrees, then another part says I have to see my kids. Ugh. Can’t wait to have my own place and start implementing hard boundaries.

 

Mission objectives this weekend are as follows:

 

1- No exsex. Period

2- Avoid and behaviors that would confuse my kids other than just being there.

3- Dont ask questions. What, when, why, who, where, etc.

4- Avoid any 1 on 1 interactions between me and ex unless talking about the kids.

5- Plan days with kids to limit time in her place.

 

Any others ?

 

Red88

[boltnrun]

No one said seeing your kids is a bad idea.

 

What we did say is staying with the ex is a bad idea because you CANNOT resist her. She touches you and you give in.

 

You can make all.the "rules " you want and say you'll stick to them, but by your own admission you give in every time.

 

All I can suggest is for you to be prepared for and realize the despair you will experience when you return home. And try to mitigate it.

[Red88]

You all were right :( Bad idea. Not exactly back to square 1 but hurting . Holding my baby now and taking the kids swimming today. Getting hotel for the next two nights. Should of did that from the start, but Im glad my eyes got opened to the situation that I’m about to describe below. If I hadn’t came here I’d be oblivious to what’s going on. I have to do something.

 

I got upset about the the environment our kids are growing up in. When I last visited, everything was fine but the apartment complex was new and had just recently been built. Hardly anyone there at that time . I’m here now and omg it has changed. Her next door neighbor is a drunk who beats on his ex wife’s door at 1 am trying to get in (this has happens all the time apparently). My ex called the cops on him which is frowned upon here. On top of that there was a shooting (bullets fired into the air, but still), loud rap music playing at all times of night, drugs, ppl call my ex cracker (she swears there racist), on and on. Very multiracial community, the majority African American (not that it matters, because I don’t see color). I’m just trying to describe the situation in detail.

 

When I first got here the neighbor asked for a cigarette, I agreed as long as he stopped “ being a pain in the ass”. I know I shouldn’t have said that but he got up and I thought it was about to go down. I’m a bigger guy so I know he wasn’t gonna do anything. Then a girl asked what was wrong, pretty soon it was a downright circus. She ranted at my ex, called her out, talked about my kids being “badass kids” and on and on.

This was literally an hour after my arrival. After everything was over I realized this wasn’t an issue I nor the police will ever be able to fix. I’m used to resolving conflict so it doesn’t repeat itself. This is entirely out of my control.

 

I feel bad or almost guilty for the way I live back home after seeing all this. It’s black and white. My neighbors are very nice and hard working middle class folks. We have retired police in our neighborhood who look out for everyone.

 

I literally was culture shocked upon my arrival of seeing my kids.

I’ve got to get them out of here. I’ve got to do something for my kids and also my ex. I made this family and I feel it’s my duty to resolve this horrible situation. It’s gone beyond my personal feelings toward my ex. I am going back home Sunday. My view on my personal feelings for my ex are blurry. It’s now about my kids only and there quality of life. I have to move closer to here. I am going to work my azz off to get my kids out of there current living situation and if that includes helping my ex financially with bills and moving on top of kids expenses, I’ll do it.

 

Red88

[Liraele]

Do you have a tent? Camp somewhere nearby. Cheaper than a hotel.

[figureitout23]

Red, I'm going to be brutally honest with you right now please know I'm being objective not judgmental.

 

Ok,so I'm not getting the 'looking out for my children' vibe right now, it seems like a front because you want to position yourself as the white knight. Look she didn't just land in south central LA overnight. Either her living situation was always like this or you're taking that one neighbor and completely blowing it out of proportion because it benefits you.

 

If you can't even afford a hotel room how in the hell are you going to afford to uproot your children? You referenced 'your family' you guys aren't a family unit anymore red. You said I made this family, no, you made your beautiful children and that's your responsibility not her.

 

Also, big reality check, how willing is she going to be to you coming in and moving her out. It's not even fesable. You aren't a unit anymore.

 

Now she may very well be using this as a reconciliation tactic, I don't know, but if that's the case hey good for you two but if not you're overstepping boundaries.

[HeartGoesOn]

You all were right :( Bad idea. Not exactly back to square 1 but hurting . Holding my baby now and taking the kids swimming today. Getting hotel for the next two nights.

 

What has changed since you're now able to afford a hotel for the next two nights?

[abitbroken]

That whole ship has sailed. you have FOUR small children and you are under 30 --- figure out why the heck you didn't make it work with this woman. How is she going to afford better with FOUR children as a single mom, and undoubtably not working full time because daycare for four kids would be crippling. Work your butt off to move near these kids to make an impact on them. and keep your pants zip so you don't have kid number 5