In a pickle. Advice Needed.

[Red88]

It’s been over a month since I’ve seen my children and it’s killing me. I live 8hrs away from them.

 

I’m all about my boundaries and healing from the separation at this point in my life. I’ll be closer to them

and have my own place to take them back to soon.

 

My ex said she’d allow me to stay at her place and see the kids this weekend to avoid spending money on a hotel.

 

What is everyone’s advice on staying with my ex to visit my kids to avoid extra costs?

 

Thanks

Red88

[IAmFCA]

Hotel is worth the price.

[SGH]

Get the cheapest hotel you can. Don't want to confuse yourself or the kids.

[RedDress]

Go see your kids.

 

I haven’t read your history, but generally speaking, staying with your ex should be one of the last options just above sleeping on a park bench or in your car.

 

Can you afford a hotel? Hostel? Airbnb? Do that.

Is there someone else’s couch you can sleep on? Do that.

But if staying with her is absolutely your last option - yes - go see your kids.

 

... but just about any other option is better.

[charity]

I mean....I'm not against this in theory or practice. It definitely depends on a number of factors - how long since the separation, are there significant others in yours and her lives, Do you guys still have feelings, can you afford a hotel etc etc.

 

However I will say, as a single parent myself....Start as you mean to go on. Don't depend on your ex to save you money.

And importantly...staying at your ex's is definitely choosing the more complicated option. Staying at a hotel is simple. Can't go wrong there.

[Wiseman2]

Why are they so far away? When will you be relocating? Are you dating anyone? If so staying with your ex will kill that. Do whatever it takes to see your kids. Stay in a motel. If you expect reconciliation or more than the couch don't stay there.

It’s been over a month since I’ve seen my children.My ex said she’d allow me to stay at her place and see the kids this weekend to avoid spending money on a hotel.

[Red88]

I definitely will go see my kids. Being away from them this long has sucked all the life and energy out of me. When I see them it helps me tremendously in every way you can think of.

 

I really can’t afford a hotel on top of the other expenses. I live in the US so no hostel, air bnb, etc. Also it’s a small town. I don’t know anyone there except my kids so sleeping on a couch isn’t a option.

 

It really is my only option.

 

She’s not seeing anyone (that I know of anyway) and I am certainly not.

 

It’s just a tough decision. I want to see them so bad. I think I’ll just have to be strong and put all my focus and energy on my kids.

 

Can’t wait to have my own place to take them to.

 

Red88

[charity]

I don't usually go back on peoples threads but.....

 

I made plans to visit my daughter. My ex and I agreed I could stay stay with her to save money. The day before I left we had a conversation and she mentioned she needed a “booty call” and that it (sex) had been a while. Well long story short it happened, more than once. It was passionate. She said to not “catch feelings”. Well I did. She has stated that she wants to stay single.

All the progress I had made as far as healing has been wiped clean.

 

OP please be careful, you are grieving for this relationship and you are still very raw. Your ex wants to be single. For you to accept this means you need to start making some changes. Don't sleep with her!

[RedDress]

I live in the US so no hostel, air bnb, etc. Also it’s a small town.

 

Airbnb is an American company. Are you sure there are none around? Or in the next town over? Have you checked? It would shock me to hear that an American company doesn’t operate in the US.

 

Also - pretty sure i’ve stayed in hostels in the US - but you are right. These are normally in larger touristy cities.

[Red88]

I feel as if I have to sacrifice some healing progress to see my kids. Its inevitable, it is guaranteed to happen and I know this.

 

But this point I can’t tell what hurts worse. The hurt seems to have merged together.

 

I know I NEED to see them. Last weekend my mind played a terrible trick on me. I have a baby still in diapers and the rest under the age of 5.

 

It seems I’m Dam*ed if I do and dam*ed if I don’t.

 

I’ll just have to weather the storm. When I return from my visit I’ll start some more intensive healing than what I’ve been doing.

 

After this visit with my kids at her place, next time I visit I should have my own place.

 

No sex? This will be hard .

 

Red88

[charity]

I feel as if I have to sacrifice some healing progress to see my kids. Its inevitable, it is guaranteed to happen and I know this.

 

But this point I can’t tell what hurts worse. The hurt seems to have merged together.

 

I know I NEED to see them. Last weekend my mind played a terrible trick on me. I have a baby still in diapers and the rest under the age of 5.

 

It seems I’m Dam*ed if I do and dam*ed if I don’t.

 

I’ll just have to weather the storm. When I return from my visit I’ll start some more intensive healing than what I’ve been doing.

 

After this visit with my kids at her place, next time I visit I should have my own place.

 

No sex? This will be hard .

 

Red88

 

I have a feeling that even if someone gave you the money for a hotel room....you'd still stay at your ex's?

[Red88]

It’s just easier. All the kids toys are there . More space for them to play. The babies toys and items are there.

 

It’s a small town with literally nothing to do. At my ex”s they have there bikes, scooters etc.,and plenty of area to ride them.

 

It’s just more enjoyable for them. . Everything is more convenient

 

I guess I have answered my own question.

 

I hate things being this way.

 

Ref88

[SGH]

Dude, I'm sure you love your kids, but it sounds like you're using them as an excuse to backtrack on your healing. Sex with your ex will put you at square one again. Also, once the kids are old enough, this type of dynamic WILL mess them up. If you care about your children, stop with the toxic nonsense and start making adult decisions with the head on your shoulders. The other guy doesn't know what he's talking about

[abitbroken]

Why don't you work it out to stay at your ex's, but to arrange for her to be spending the night at her parents house or at a friends? That way you get to spend major quality time with the kids - tuck them in bed one or both nights, etc., but not have to deal with the ex. is she agreeable to that?

[Red88]

abitbroken- that is a great idea. She would probably enjoy the free time as well. I’m going to check on it.

 

This entire situation is not ideal. Ideally I would have my own place and she’d just drop them off. That’s what I’m working toward, things are just not that way right now. I know it’s tip toeing my healing line. It’s playing with fire.

 

I just need to see my kids. I’m not using them as an excuse to see my ex. That is completely false. I’m halfway offended by that. I’m only wanting to see my kids. Like I said, the situation is not ideal.

 

I’m going to have to suck it up and be strong because my kids need to see there daddy. It’s been to long.

 

When I go I’m going to start a thread about events and my emotions.

 

Red88

[abitbroken]

abitbroken- that is a great idea. She would probably enjoy the free time as well. I’m going to check on it.

 

This entire situation is not ideal. Ideally I would have my own place and she’d just drop them off. That’s what I’m working toward, things are just not that way right now. I know it’s tip toeing my healing line. It’s playing with fire.

 

I just need to see my kids. I’m not using them as an excuse to see my ex. That is completely false. I’m halfway offended by that. I’m only wanting to see my kids. Like I said, the situation is not ideal.

 

I’m going to have to suck it up and be strong because my kids need to see there daddy. It’s been to long.

 

When I go I’m going to start a thread about events and my emotions.

 

Red88

 

Yes, please present that arrangement to her. That way you can have actual visitation with them and there is also no confusion with the kids -- they won't think you are getting back together with mom. If not - do your parents live in the area where she can drop them off at grandma and grandpas and you can spend the night with them there?

[SGH]

It wasn't my intention to offend you. You just left out the sleeping with her part in the initial post, and it later seemed to be clearly your intention to do so as the thread grew. I understand the temptation entirely, and was simply hoping to ground you through my comment. The suggested arrangement is a great idea, and I hope it works for you, so you can see your kids without the messy drama. I've gone down the path of ex-sex too many times to ever counsel someone that it's a good idea, but you're a grown man who can make his own decisions (obviously) in that department. Just remember that kids notice more than we think they do. Always got to look out for the little ones. Good luck.

[IAmFCA]

Kids know everything! They know when I smell different, when the air at home seems different. Its crazy.

 

Mine thought we were married, after 4+ years apart and a move out of the marital home, AND he moving in with the mistress and having a baby with her.

 

Because it made sense to them that we were married. Period end of story. I am grateful he and I have little overlap of any sort. We are friendly, congenial, we care about each other, we have no animosity. And we have no overlap, even after years of drop offs etc.

 

The firm boundaries likely contribute to the congeniality and to the secure foundation our kids have. No confusion, they know what their foundation is, nothing changes, nothing to wonder about.

 

Something to think about. Even staying in the same house is a bit familiar. But it is early days, as your situation evolves, you will find a better answer.

[Red88]

Yes, please present that arrangement to her. That way you can have actual visitation with them and there is also no confusion with the kids -- they won't think you are getting back together with mom. If not - do your parents live in the area where she can drop them off at grandma and grandpas and you can spend the night with them there?

 

I have and she said she’d like to stay at her own home. She said it’s possible for her to stay somewhere Saturday because there’s some concert going on. But I can understand it being an inconvenience, she’s 31 and her family unit is kinda dysfunctional. Go figure, I really can’t say much about mine.

 

Like you said, the breakup is still really raw in my mind. My mind wonders where she’s gonna stay on Saturday. But O WELL. I need to man up and forget about all that.

 

Can you relate abitbroken or SGH? Have you been in this particular situation ever? Is this early stage complexity that I’ll get past. I plan on moving soon and getting my own place. Ugh this stuff is never black and white. I just wanna be happy.

 

Red88

[Red88]

Kids know everything! They know when I smell different, when the air at home seems different. Its crazy.

 

Mine thought we were married, after 4+ years apart and a move out of the marital home, AND he moving in with the mistress and having a baby with her.

 

Because it made sense to them that we were married. Period end of story. I am grateful he and I have little overlap of any sort. We are friendly, congenial, we care about each other, we have no animosity. And we have no overlap, even after years of drop offs etc.

 

The firm boundaries likely contribute to the congeniality and to the secure foundation our kids have. No confusion, they know what their foundation is, nothing changes, nothing to wonder about.

 

Something to think about. Even staying in the same house is a bit familiar. But it is early days, as your situation evolves, you will find a better answer.

 

It’s still so raw and I’m completely clueless on the part where the kids could subsequently be confused. That not my intention at all. I just wanna see them and unfortunately this is my only way to do it :( .

 

I like how you said it’s the “early days” and as I evolve I’ll find a better answer. That’s my plan, to find a better answer.

 

Can you describe your evolution and transition to this new way of life? Did you break it off ?

 

Red88

[SGH]

I've never been in a situation where kids were directly involved. It definitely makes everything a hell of a lot more complicated, because I'm sure you want to be in their lives and not create any negative influence. Long-term breakup pain is no foreign concept to me, though. I've gotten better at not chasing after partners or trying to convince people to stay, but it's a hard lesson. Everyone wants to feel they have some control, especially when heartbreak is involved.

 

The only thing that's worked for me to move on is the complete cut-off, which isn't an option for you clearly. I think what you need to work on is realizing that as long as you equate being with your ex with happiness, you're going to feel bad. You can be happy on your own, and you can meet someone else. If nothing else motivates you, think about how terrible you would feel if you slept with her and then she went and slept with someone else the next night? Don't let her use you for comfort.

 

I wish I had an easy answer for you. A lot of healing is time and concentrated effort. You have to decide that you're done giving you power over to someone who decided they didn't value you enough to try. Eventually, it gets better.

[Red88]

It wasn't my intention to offend you. You just left out the sleeping with her part in the initial post, and it later seemed to be clearly your intention to do so as the thread grew. I understand the temptation entirely, and was simply hoping to ground you through my comment. The suggested arrangement is a great idea, and I hope it works for you, so you can see your kids without the messy drama. I've gone down the path of ex-sex too many times to ever counsel someone that it's a good idea, but you're a grown man who can make his own decisions (obviously) in that department. Just remember that kids notice more than we think they do. Always got to look out for the little ones. Good luck.

 

I know you didn’t mean any harm. I just know she may tempt me or vice versa. What does the ex sex evolve into? Do you have kids?

 

Red88

[SGH]

The ex sex never evolved into anything other than putting salt on the wound. The worst breakup I ever went through included a lot of ambiguous fooling around that I convinced myself meant more than it did. We eventually got back together, but it only lasted a few months. The guy was grooming his new partner, a coworker, for months and months behind my back. I ended up feeling used and had to deal with the breakup pain anyway, with the added knowledge that he was on cloud nine and already in love with someone else.

 

You can't booty call your way back into a relationship. Even if the sex is amazing, you'll like get pushed aside when someone new comes along. It's definitely not worth it.

[Red88]

What is everyone’s advice on how to carry myself or act? I don’t wanna seem needy or clingy?

 

What type of behavior or body language would give the impression that I’m over it (which I’m not) and moving on. What could I do to possibly give her the impression that I’m fine and over it? The reason I ask is because I don’t wanna seem weak,needy,clingy,etc. I want to give off the impression that I’m strong and “over it” and happy ? How would someone who is totally over the whole situation act ? Even though I’m not, I want to act as if I am, even though I may be turning on the inside.

 

What is my best approach to maintain healing while being in such close quarters?

 

Red88

[SGH]

Few suggestions for seeming "over" it:

 

1.) Focus only on the kids, even if she tries to make the visit about the two of you.

 

2.) Take the kids out! Do a park or zoo day. Whatever they like, indulge them without her. The kids will appreciate the treat too.

 

3.) No questions about who she's been with, where she's going, what she's doing. Any sort of curiosity on your part will be interpreted as desperation. This is especially important if she goes out with someone when you're in town.

 

Good luck!