Did my boyfriend cheat with an out of town FWB when he is away?

[Angmat]

Hi. I am new to this forum. I am here because I have a troubling situation to deal with and I need the advice of others on how to handle it. It's causing me constant anxiety and I haven't been able to sleep or live my life with these thoughts crippling me day and night. I'm not sure if anyone out there has ever suspected infidelity of their long time partner but it's a never ending battle you have with yourself and your own thoughts. You try to stop the thoughts and convince yourself it's your imagination or you are obsessing needlessly and try hard to put those thoughts to bed but the thoughts keep coming back. I am having this battle everyday and it has become exhausting on my psyche and my emotional and physical well being. Life just seems to have stopped because I am always worried my boyfriend of 5 years has cheated on me. It was our 5 year anniversary yesterday. Despite his reassurances to the contrary, that he would never and could never do such a thing to me, I can't seem to shake the bad thoughts and the anxiety that plagues me like a bad, incurable disease.

 

Here is what has caused my worry as of late. His mother lives out of the country. It's a 4 hour plane trip. She is in her 80's and she's alone in a retirement community. He's a good son and has always been there to help her out. She's recently been renovating her apartment due to a lottery win and he has been flying down there periodically to make sure everything is running smoothly. He visits her about 3 times a year normally. I managed to meet him down there last month to spend some time with him for 10 days. But I am not able to travel down there as frequently as he does due to work commitments.

 

So, he flew down last week again for 6 days to help his mom out with electrical work. He's skilled in this area and thought he could save her some money by doing the work for her.

 

He arrived on a Saturday. Called to say he made it there safely and all was well. He apparently went out to a show on the Saturday night with his mom and sister. Then he called me on Sunday afternoon but he seemed distant. He talked to me while he was working around the apartment. He told me he had to go and finish up what he was doing. So, we hung up. Later that night at around 9 pm he texted me and we chatted. But again he seemed distant and didn't seem very talkative. I was carrying the conversation and he was taking a long time to reply and when he did reply it was in one or two words. I asked him why he was so quiet. He said he was tired and just wanted to veg out and watch Netflix or read. Well, I felt blown off by him and was feeling upset but I said okay and said good night.

 

The next day he went MIA. He usually sends me a “Good morning sweetie” text and lets me know what he is up to that day or he calls me. That morning was different. I was concerned not hearing from him so I sent him a text at around noon. I asked how his day was. He texted back at 1:30 (1.5 hours later) with a brief “A okay. Out and about with mom.” Then I never heard from him until he called me at 5 pm and we had a telephone conversation. I asked him why he had been out of touch and MIA that day. He said he was just busy with his mom and sister and didn't have time to call. When I asked him where he was when I texted him at noon (it took him an hour and a half to reply) he said he was at his mom's apartment scraping mould off the ceiling. Then later he changed his story and said he was driving his sister to work (he is using her car while he's there) and he took his mom out shopping and to run errands.

 

I saw on the Snapchat map when he opened the app that afternoon that he was on the golf course behind his mom's building. It even showed his avatar swinging a golf club. I have never seen that before. The golf course is located behind a complex of buildings, including his mom's, which form this retirement community. You could literally walk from one building to another from around the golf course. I asked him if he was out golfing that day. He said no, he wasn't. That if he was, he would have told me. So, why then did the map show him on the golf course, swinging a golf club?? He told me the Snap map was wrong. And that apps like that are always wrong because technology is unreliable.

I have always had suspicions of him going round to some woman's apartment who lives in the community. Think about it. More women than men live here. They are widowed or single and probably long for a man's sexual touch. My boyfriend is 55. And the community is 55 plus. Not to mention, there are so many women that work there, on the premises, in the gym, community centre, and at the club house; women he can meet just about anywhere being out and about on his own.

 

I tried to sext him while he was away. I always have. We both enjoyed it. He was always receptive to this in the past. But this time, not so much. On the Sunday, I told him I was very horny and thinking about all the things we would be doing to each other when he gets back. He responded to me to “Think about the Queen” or go and “Mop the floor” to take my mind off it. In the past, he would talk dirty back and we'd even send naughty pics and video back and forth. I thought his lack of response was so strange and unlike past behaviour. He just seemed uninterested. Then add to that the fact he seemed distant that night and didn't feel like to talking to me, then was MIA without contacting me all day the next day and the app showed him on the golf course. I keep asking myself am I making this all up? Is there something wrong with ME? Is it really a bad soap opera script I am making up in my head? Or is my gut talking to me?

 

So, fast forward to his plane landing. He called me on the drive home. He still seemed cool and not sexually interested when I brought up the subject of sex again. He wasn't happy with me because I was questioning him while he was away. I brought up my worries again and he said he was going to hang up because I was irritating him. So he hung up.

 

A few hours later, I heard a knock on my door. It was him. He showed up unexpectedly. He appeared horny as hell and basically just went at me and ravaged me. We had pretty intense, raw sex. Now, I am not sure where that all came from? He appeared totally uninterested in sex while he was gone and never engaged once in sexting or gave me any hint he was horny. He just brushed me off. He then was irritated with me on the drive home. Then he showed up on my door step and was all over me like a prisoner who hadn't touched a woman in years! Is it me or does this behaviour not add up at all??? He told me he didn't want to be horny while he was away because he couldn't do anything about it. He does not like to masturbate. So, he brushed it off because he didn't want to think about sex. Funny how the last time he was down there without me for 2 weeks that he said the same thing. He wanted no part of me sexually nor did he want to sext because being horny is too much for him to bear while he is away from me. I am wondering why the change in behaviour? And, is he telling the truth? He used to sext me before as I said and we always sent naughty pics and video etc. I wonder if it's clearly because he was getting sex from someone else.

 

There's more! After we had sex, I noticed a deep cut above his ankle bone. It was very obvious. It looked like a scrape or scratch but obviously there was a tear in his skin to cause it to bleed. I asked him how it happened. He told me it was itchy in that spot and he scratched himself. Note: His nails were short and the cut/scratch was not there 6 days ago when he left. Whatever it was, it happened while he was away. Also, he had a small bruise on his bicep and a small red circular mark under his knee. Not sure what that was. If it wasn't so tiny, I would say it looked like a bite mark. But it actually looked like ring worm. Not sure what could have caused that? Again, none of these mysterious marks on his body were there before he left. They were definitely sustained while he was away.

 

I was upset by it given his strange actions while he was away. Was it physical proof of my suspicions? “Don't worry. Nothing is wrong. You worry too much,” he told me. He down played it all. He said how could he have gotten such a scratch or cut in that spot if he had sex? I said rough sex outside or in an odd place or reverse cowgirl where she would grab his ankles. Who knows? He dismissed everything I said. He even tried to get me to reenact possible scenarios where it would be possible to get such a scratch. He seemed pretty adamant. He told me to test out sexual positions which could cause it. I said no. I should not have to do anything like that. And even if I did, it was futile. Useless. I would never know what really happened anyway.

 

Add to this, that the first two times we had sex after his first day back, he preferred rougher sex, bondage style. It was pretty emotionless on his part. He tied me up and blindfolded me and covered my mouth while having his way with me. It seemed so odd to go from no interest in sex while he was away to being an animal in the bedroom when he came back. We have tried bondage in the past and we both liked it. When I suggested we do it again, it was him who said to me it just doesn't feel right anymore tying me up. So, we stopped. This is a guy who likes slow and passionate sex more than rough sex. I wondered why he suddenly switched it up after returning from his trip. He said he didn't know. But early the next day he texted me, saying he was thinking about it. And told me maybe it was because we had just watched 50 Shades of Grey. But when watching it, he wanted me to turn off the movie because he found it disturbing to watch. Yet it aroused him enough to want to try it with me? AND he had a full week to try out the bondage thing if was so inclined. Why do it two weeks later? And, after he was away? Something just doesn't seem to fit.

 

So, ever since, our relationship has been strained. I have told him over and over again to please never hurt me, never destroy me because I love him and I am devoted to him. I have told him if he wants shiny new sexual experiences for the thrill because he is bored with me then he will have to leave me, as we are not meant to be. I am very good in bed and we have always had the best sex ever. Our chemistry has always been explosive, even now after all this time. He has never met a woman who has been his sexual equal until he met me. I have not been with any other men as he took my virginity. Go figure, a virgin is his best ever. I am very passionate and uninhibited. I just don't understand why a man who has all he wants/needs in a woman would need to have sex with other women? They cannot keep their penis locked for 6 short days? Why is one woman not good enough? I do my best to please him. And I never stop trying to please him. I have always been loyal to him. And I am considered hot and many men make advances towards me. I reject every single one of them.

 

So, my question is do my concerns point to the fact he could be cheating? And how do I get rid of such thoughts if they are in my own head to continue the relationship? I keep worrying that due to the frequency of his trips to his mom's over the years, he has found a FWB there whom he has sex with when he is in town, and nobody will ever know about it, including me. What happens in Vegas...

 

I just cannot live with this thought tormenting me every minute of every day. :(:(:(

 

PS. He cheated on a woman in a previous relationship before he met me. He admitted this to me at the start. I was apprehensive about this but he assured me he made a mistake, knew he made a mistake and that he would never do it again. That he would never hurt me, that he is as true to me as the sun is bright.

 

Help! I really need some objective advice.

[smackie9]

I'm sorry but you need to get yourself into therapy. He has done nothing to be suspicious of anything, it's all in your head. If you are in therapy, find a new therapist because it's not working. If you keep this up, questioning him, he will leave you because it's wearing him down, and sucking the love and passion out of your relationship. It's no wonder he has been distant...you are driving him crazy.

 

If you feel he is cheating, just end it. Get your proof through a PI.

 

 

And if you suffer so bad from anxiety....why did you invest in a relationship with a serial cheater????? like why???

[Hollyj]

Get yourself into therapy, or break up. If you continue down this road, you will push him away or completely exhaust yourself.

 

Stop all of this. get some help!

 

Do you have any life or friends outside of this man?

[j.man]

I noticed a deep cut above his ankle bone. It was very obvious. It looked like a scrape or scratch but obviously there was a tear in his skin to cause it to bleed. I asked him how it happened. He told me it was itchy in that spot and he scratched himself. Note: His nails were short and the cut/scratch was not there 6 days ago when he left. Whatever it was, it happened while he was away. Also, he had a small bruise on his bicep and a small red circular mark under his knee. Not sure what that was.

Serious question-- have you done a single minute of physical labor in your life? He leaves town to help his mother renovate her home and you're perplexed that he came back with some dings?

 

Honestly, sans the last bit about him cheating on his last girlfriend (something he's admitted and you've known, so should have accepted), he sounds like a pretty decent guy. Loves his mom, helps her out, is handy, seems to have a healthy relationship with his phone, good in bed. I'm not even gay and I'd take him home to meet my family.

[Angmat]

Sorry, Mister, he's taken! LOL

 

Thank you for that good, sound advice. I think everybody here so far seems to think I am the one who needs to chill. Or I will lose him. I don't want to lose him. He means a lot to me. Thanks to all so far for taking the time to help out a messed up stranger. :)

[Hollyj]

I think you should strongly consider therapy.

[MissCanuck]

Goodness me, OP. You are incredibly paranoid, and looking for problems.

 

Why is it that you don't trust him at all? Has he actually cheated on you in the past, or is this truly all in your head?

 

If this is your typical thought process, I would strongly encourage you to seek counseling. This level of suspicion and intense insecurity is going to destroy your relationship if you don't.

[LootieTootie]

You sound really young, insecure and paranoid. Get therapy before this guy finds someone who is mentally and emotionally stable.

[yatsue]

You sound really young

 

God, I hope not. The dude is 55.

 

Angmat, you need to stop this behavior. It is not healthy or reasonable. Every situation, if you feel it is slightly out of the norm for him, comes with constant accusations of infidelity. Why do you come to these knee jerk conclusions so fast? Is it because you know he used to be a cheater and it is amplified by your anxiety that he'll do the same to you?

 

Every senario you present doesn't indicate he's cheating. His social media says he's not where he says he is: don't you believe it could be wrong or inaccurate? I paid a service for a car gps and it is wrong plently of times. I think the most accurate is google maps, although I have caught it wrong a couple of times (miles away), when concerning pinpoint accuracy. His horniness level: don't you think he was more annoyed at you while away because of your accusations and didn't feel like talking about sex due to all of the negativity after being busy with housework? Then when he got back and switched it up: don't you think it may be because he was holding his urges in and didn't care to give you loveydovey sex after you hounded him with those same accusations? Then his wounds...he was renovating his mothers house so it makes more sense it was a result of the labor.

 

Really, why is this all circling straight towards infidelity? These are all mundane senarios not typically associated with cheaters.

[Starlight925]

Can I ask why you've been dating for 5 years with no lifetime commitment? Do you have any plans to get married, or move in? Why or why not, after 5 years?

[nicole2018]

You are being too clingy

[abitbroken]

The poor man.

 

Honestly, I live two doors down from a small school and maps show me at school. If he was up to something shady, he would have turned his location service off so you couldn't see him.

 

what is up with all the "he seemed distant" stuff -- the man was TIRED. he had a long flight. He was doing electrical work for his mother. He was wiped out. He wanted to get things done by the time he went home and he is entitled to spend the day with mom and sis if he wanted to!!

 

I think you need to grow up, and if you don't, you will lose him. But maybe he will have dodged a bullet.

 

Where did the sex come from? He hadn't seen you in quite a few days!!

[Fishbite]

I concur with previous comments re therapy.

 

The guy has got nothing to answer for.

 

I have previously been in a relationship with a person showing all the signs that you are.

 

This kind of paranoid thinking WILL eventually kill the relationship. It is tiring. Very tiring.

 

Please go and talk to someone about this.