1 year later, I'm going to break contact...

[oneyearon]

So here's my story, I'm writing this with a shattered heart and tears streaming down my face, pathetic I know.

 

My ex broke up with me in May 2017 after a 2 year relationship due to "no longer wanting a relationship". We are gay and both 20 years old. We met when we were 17 and he was my first love and first of everything, he came to the uni in my city because of me. He was everything I ever imagined in a boyfriend and in my eyes was perfect. (Still on the pedestal, huh?)

 

We have been in NC since May 2017 by my choice. In this time I have made HUGE strides in trying to get over the absolute heart shattering depression I was left in. I have lost 40lbs at the gym, progressed in my job and studies, gone out with friends more regularly, caught up with old friends, got new hobbies and am in regular weekly therapy. Most importantly, I have been actively dating and meeting new guys. Despite ALL of this, I still feel exactly the same as I did on the day he left me and I honestly feel physically sick just writing this because the truth is, he's been on my mind every single day for the last year. I have him blocked on all social media and have not even seen a picture of him till the beginning of this month. I completely blocked and removed him from my life and have been moving forward this whole time, but guess what... the plan failed miserably.

 

Over the past year I received random missed calls from him and he messaged me at Christmas to which I shut him down and told him to leave me alone when he tried striking a conversation with me.

 

This is where things get a bit dicey. I joined tinder again 2 days ago (I know) and within a couple of hours, there he was... I realised how attracted to him I still was and that moment instantly felt like my heart exploded and a huge wave of depression drowned me. Curiously got the better of me at this point and I just decided to swipe right for the hell of it, it was an instant match. I closed the app down immediately and he hasn't messaged me in these 2 days, i've been basically staring at my phone waiting for his notification all this time. Since then I haven't been able to function normally, he's on my mind all day and I currently have had to go back onto medication just to get some sleep. I pretty much cry now any time I'm alone. An i've been sick numerous times from the pure anxiety.

 

So let's get down to why I'm here...

I've decided after all this time, something must be wrong, there's no way I can feel EXACTLY the same as I do after a year, I've never seen this before. Of course anyone I talk to about this just tells me "you'll get over it eventually", "just move on", "you deserve better than him" which doesn't help me in any way at all and just makes me feel worse because I know I should be completely over it by now.

So today I decided it's time to just message him and see what's really going on with me. Yes I KNOW it's a stupid idea, but I'm doing this for 2 reasons, I would rather continue moving forward knowing I have at least tried, I mean when you feel like someone's right for you, you have to fight, right? Secondly, even if this goes terribly wrong it surely can't get any worse than it is now? Once you hit the bottom, you can only go up... No one truly understands my pain and what I've been going through, honestly I'm just so tired and want it to end so I'm willing to try anything to help me at this point, even if that means doing what I'm scared of the most.

 

Don't get me wrong, I know the advice in doing this is a big no no and many of you will advise against it, in-fact even I don't particularly want to do this, but it honestly from the bottom of my heart feels like my only option and something I have to do to either get closure and move on, or possibly reconcile, however unlikely that may be.

 

I need advice on how to approach this situation...

1. I approach him as if i'm over him and see how we go from there?

2. I confess all of what I've just told you to him

3. I just tell him I'm stuck and I need help moving on

4. Another approach?

 

How would you guys suggest I do this? I'm going to try my best to do this without any expectations but we all know in reality that's going to be nearly impossible. I'm either gunna end up hurt or end up feeling better, that's the reality. I know there's also a 99% chance that he's completely moved on and couldn't really care less about me and I completely understand that... but there's surely also a 1% chance he's just been really stubborn and maybe thought I was already over him so just left me alone?

 

Please go easy on me guys and just understand I've only decided to do this to end all of the suffering I've had to endure for the past 12 months. I can't explain what it feels like to constantly live everyday whilst feeling like a part of you is missing. I cannot tell you how grateful I would be for anyone to help me out here. :(

[abitbroken]

were there other reasons why he broke up == he may have said that he "didn't want a relationship" but was this the "kind" answer and there were other bigger reasons?

DId he break up around the time you both graduated?

 

I don't think you should "act" like you are over him because he will see through it. That you shouldn't tell him 'you are having a hard time",

I would suggest that you see a counselor before doing anything - the fact that you have resorted to sleeping pills tells me that if his response is not what you wish, it could very well shatter you. Its more than just whistfully thinking he was the one that got away. In fact, I suspect this also because when you shut down tinder, you were very hung up on him trying to contact you and have been hanging onto that. you deleted the app so am expecting he would make the grand gesture of jumping through hoops to contact you. BTW, if you lost 40 lbs did he know it was you? i mean if you are 6' you may look exactly like he remembers but just lost weight but if you are 5', 40 lbs is enough to make you look like a different person.

 

If you were emotionally okay and decided to contact him as the one that got away -- it might POSSIBLY be okay to do so but you are just too fragile - are you strong enough to not allow him to try to keep you as a friend or if he rejects you? Or if he doesn't actually respond in a meaningful way?

[oneyearon]

were there other reasons why he broke up == he may have said that he "didn't want a relationship" but was this the "kind" answer and there were other bigger reasons?

DId he break up around the time you both graduated?

 

I don't think you should "act" like you are over him because he will see through it. That you shouldn't tell him 'you are having a hard time",

I would suggest that you see a counselor before doing anything - the fact that you have resorted to sleeping pills tells me that if his response is not what you wish, it could very well shatter you. Its more than just whistfully thinking he was the one that got away. In fact, I suspect this also because when you shut down tinder, you were very hung up on him trying to contact you and have been hanging onto that. you deleted the app so am expecting he would make the grand gesture of jumping through hoops to contact you. BTW, if you lost 40 lbs did he know it was you? i mean if you are 6' you may look exactly like he remembers but just lost weight but if you are 5', 40 lbs is enough to make you look like a different person.

 

If you were emotionally okay and decided to contact him as the one that got away -- it might POSSIBLY be okay to do so but you are just too fragile - are you strong enough to not allow him to try to keep you as a friend or if he rejects you? Or if he doesn't actually respond in a meaningful way?

 

I never got any other reason than "I don't want to be in a relationship at the moment" as far as I'm aware, he hasn't been with anybody since we broke up anyway.

Surprisingly, I don't look that different I went from 154lbs to around 120lbs (more 35lbs, but I just rounded it up) but I was never very "fat" I just lost a lot a weight tummy and waist, I'm now the same size as when I first met him so he knows it's me.

 

I agree that I should probably wait until I see a counsellor, I have an appointment booked with her on Thursday.

However, I struggle to see how this is going to help me, I mean it hasn't helped me for the past 12 months, so why would it help me now?

I'd also agree with you that i'm too fragile and to answer your question, I honestly don't how I'd feel if he rejects me again or just wants to be friends, would it be worse than how I feel now, or will it give me some form of closure? This is my biggest concern about contacting him...

[Doosha]

I completely understand you! Ive been in your shoes. Do it. But do it lightly.

Dont confess how you feel or anything.

Just txt him something funny, maybe use the fact you were a match on Tinder as a joke. Confessing your feelings and going all "i want u back" will put too much pressure on both.

 

So, txt him something light and see gow it goes from there. If he doesnt respond, at least you'll know you tried. And be prepared for some pain if this happens. Just dont expect that he will come running to you.

[SGH]

If there was a situation where I could maybe support breaking NC, it would be this one. A huge worry, however, is that you never really stopped seeing him through rose-tinted glasses. I'm sure he's a great catch, but until you acknowledge some more of his negative qualities, it's hard to say whether it's worth it to try again with this person.

 

Also, just because you matched on Tinder doesn't mean that he's ready to have a serious relationship. It's only been a year and he's very young. You might find that he still has feelings for you, but the situation remains unchanged. It may have felt like nothing improved this past year while you worked on healing, but I seriously doubt that. If you choose to reopen this wound it will hurt like day 1 if it doesn't work out.

 

The symptoms you described sound like you may be struggling with psychological issues that need treatment. I'm glad to hear that you're seeking professional help instead of just getting advice on this forum. If you are going to contact your ex, wait until you are of healthy and sound mind. Right now you sound a bit desperate and he will sense that. Optimally, you should be confident enough that even if he turns down your advances or doesn't want what you want, you will be alright.

[figureitout23]

Please for the love of all that is holy do not do this. You are drowning in denial right now. You aren't looking for closure, you're looking for reconciliation. Number one reason NOT to break NC. The reason you still feel the same is because you haven't let go, beyond NC you didn't do any of the other work. You said you cant be any worse off, mark my words, if this ends badly (and theres a huge chance it will) you will learn what rock bottom is.

 

Please don't do this. If you do please come back and update as a warning to others.

[oneyearon]

Please for the love of all that is holy do not do this. You are drowning in denial right now. You aren't looking for closure, you're looking for reconciliation. Number one reason NOT to break NC. The reason you still feel the same is because you haven't let go, beyond NC you didn't do any of the other work. You said you cant be any worse off, mark my words, if this ends badly (and theres a huge chance it will) you will learn what rock bottom is.

 

Please don't do this. If you do please come back and update as a warning to others.

 

I know deep down it's a bad idea, but I'm not sure if living with the regret of doing nothing would be worse.

You say I haven't let go, how do I do this? I've pleaded for help time and time again asking how I let go, I fully accept the relationship is over and I have done everything correct in the form of moving on, so tell me why I'm stuck in this state?

 

A day later, I still feel like this is something I have to do, I don't know why but I don't know if this feeling will pass unless I act on it.

I will certainly wait until I've seen my counselor tomorrow and see what she has to say and if she can help me.

I'm in such a difficult situation because when I truly look at it, I see him for what he is and all his flaws but it's not the feelings or memories I miss, it really is him as a person I miss.

[Johnny Utah]

There is no time frame to feel normal.

 

In fact, conscious and sub-consciously, one can hang onto those emotions and never feel normal. That's why we have therapy.

 

I think you need to be open to therapy and writing things down. You sound close minded and committed to your actions and following your emotions, so it's no wonder you don't think NC worked or therapy will work.

[abitbroken]

I know deep down it's a bad idea, but I'm not sure if living with the regret of doing nothing would be worse.

You say I haven't let go, how do I do this? I've pleaded for help time and time again asking how I let go, I fully accept the relationship is over and I have done everything correct in the form of moving on, so tell me why I'm stuck in this state?

 

A day later, I still feel like this is something I have to do, I don't know why but I don't know if this feeling will pass unless I act on it.

I will certainly wait until I've seen my counselor tomorrow and see what she has to say and if she can help me.

I'm in such a difficult situation because when I truly look at it, I see him for what he is and all his flaws but it's not the feelings or memories I miss, it really is him as a person I miss.

 

You are too fragile to do something and you are going to be shattered by the rejection or you will allow him to use you as a doormat. Also, i agree that you are close minded -- that you want her to give you the green light. I think that you should be honest that you are depressed and can't move on from the breakup from 2 years ago and you know that he does not want to be with you -- and you cannot move on.

[oneyearon]

Update:

 

So I messaged him last night. I just had to, the anxiety and anticipation of it was just killing me and I couldn't hold if off any longer. I tried to keep it casual and just simply popped up and asked him how he's been. 12 hours later he hasn't replied. I don't really know how I'm feeling about it to be honest... I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still wanting him to reply and maybe I'm in denial that he's actually seen the message yet when deep down I know he has. However, it does feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I don't really feel as emotional/sad as I expected from him not replying. I don't know if it's going to last though, because I don't think I got the closure I was seeking. But as of right now, I'm sitting comfortably with the fact I know I at least tried and maybe that's enough.

 

I'm going to my therapy today so we'll see how that goes. I'm gunna come out clean with everything and not hold anything back, even if I turn in to a mess. Who knows, maybe this is a step in the right direction. I just want to be over this is as quickly as possible now. I'll keep you all updated.

[figureitout23]

Update:

 

So I messaged him last night. I just had to, the anxiety and anticipation of it was just killing me and I couldn't hold if off any longer. I tried to keep it casual and just simply popped up and asked him how he's been. 12 hours later he hasn't replied. I don't really know how I'm feeling about it to be honest... I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still wanting him to reply and maybe I'm in denial that he's actually seen the message yet when deep down I know he has. However, it does feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I don't really feel as emotional/sad as I expected from him not replying. I don't know if it's going to last though, because I don't think I got the closure I was seeking. But as of right now, I'm sitting comfortably with the fact I know I at least tried and maybe that's enough.

 

I'm going to my therapy today so we'll see how that goes. I'm gunna come out clean with everything and not hold anything back, even if I turn in to a mess. Who knows, maybe this is a step in the right direction. I just want to be over this is as quickly as possible now. I'll keep you all updated.

 

Well of course you feel better that's how anxiety works.

 

You got your hit so now you're good your anxiety is low, you emptied the pot.

 

Now for the hard part. that pot is slowly getting refilled. It may not happen today, it may not happen tomorrow but that pot will fill up again and your anxiety is going to spill over again. You essentially reset your healing clock. I have lost count of the amount of posters who broke nc and 'feel better'. You can actually see the deterioration as time passes.

 

I wouldn't have advised against you doing this so much if I hadn't seen it crash and burn dozens of times on this board if it hadn't crashed and burned for myself.

 

Thankfully for you though you're already in therapy so you can talk to you're therapist and he can walk you through the inevitable crash.

 

.

[oneyearon]

He may be thinking. You might hear back, you might not. But you knew that before you did it.

I hope you get peace/closure from this, whatever the outcome. Good luck . Hope you feel better.

It's good you have therapy today. Curious as to what your therapist will advise.

 

My therapist surprisingly didn't advise against what I did, she said sometimes you just have to do what your heart is telling you. However, she thinks the core of the problem is still acceptance, as in i'm telling myself it's over etc. but I don't actually believe it, I've been spending the past year EXPECTING him to come back and so I've essentially just waited and waited everyday. I think this is partly down to how we broke up, he dumped me with the excuse "I don't want to be in a relationship atm" (I'll never know whether that was true or not) and I left and went home. That night he called me up crying saying he wanted me so I went back to his place, we had sex, I stayed the night and then the next morning he still said he doesn't want a relationship... So i've been in limbo ever since then because I still expected him to come back again if that makes sense? I guess it didn't feel like the end and I thought he just needed a little time, it just didn't feel "official". So the issue now is I need to accept he's not coming back and stop waiting for him to come back, how I actually go about doing that I honestly have no idea!

[katrina1980]

 

My therapist surprisingly didn't advise against what I did, she said sometimes you just have to do what your heart is telling you.

 

I agree with your therapist too. IMO, it's never wrong to reach out and let someone know you care no matter how long it's been, whether it's your ex or anyone. It's one sad world if that ever became the case.

 

Just so long as you have no expectations of anything developing from that, which it sounds like you didn't. You did what was in your heart, and were true to yourself.

 

Whether or not he chooses to respond is HIS issue; don't allow it to become yours; you chose to rise above the bull**** and did what was best for you regardless of the outcome.

 

And you should feel good for that!

[figureitout23]

My therapist surprisingly didn't advise against what I did, she said sometimes you just have to do what your heart is telling you. However, she thinks the core of the problem is still acceptance, as in i'm telling myself it's over etc. but I don't actually believe it, I've been spending the past year EXPECTING him to come back and so I've essentially just waited and waited everyday. I think this is partly down to how we broke up, he dumped me with the excuse "I don't want to be in a relationship atm" (I'll never know whether that was true or not) and I left and went home. That night he called me up crying saying he wanted me so I went back to his place, we had sex, I stayed the night and then the next morning he still said he doesn't want a relationship... So i've been in limbo ever since then because I still expected him to come back again if that makes sense? I guess it didn't feel like the end and I thought he just needed a little time, it just didn't feel "official". So the issue now is I need to accept he's not coming back and stop waiting for him to come back, how I actually go about doing that I honestly have no idea!

 

 

I agree with her 100%! The issue is acceptance. Your need to reach out wasnt about doing what was in your heart, you made that quite clear, you were almost compelled to do it because you couldn't let go. You fully believed there was still a chance. I still believe it was a mistake, but your therapist knows you best and if she believes this will help more towards final acceptance, I'm happy that you have a game plan. I hope you continue to post for extra support.

 

I wish you luck over the next couple of weeks taking him down off the pedestal. I realize other will disagree with me and that's fine, but I think romantisizing failed relationships is a terrible idea.

 

Good luck!

[Morello]

Unfortunately, once reality that he's still ignoring you sets in, you'll fee worse. But perhaps that's part of you reaching acceptance. Been there, done that.

 

I think you might be playing in your head multiple scenarios of why he did actually break up. If he was just not ready for a relationship, or if we used that as an excuse to bail. In the end, it doesn't matter because it tells everything about him and nothing about you.

 

People fall in and out of love for other people, it's a natural process. It's not personal, most times. They may even not know the reasons why themselves and I think this is true in a fair amount of cases. But to you, it's not relevant. The relevant point is that he broke up, hasn't reached out in one year and now is ignoring you after all this time. That's all you need to know right there. This right here tells he's not the one for you.

 

Maybe we are too biased from seeing Hollywood movies when a lover gets back after a long time, expressing love and saying that they didn't forget you and didn't stop thinking about your for one bit. This is VERY rare. The reality of getting back together is usually a much selfish, ego-boosted story usually leading to extra hurt for everyone involved.

 

Something else to be accepted is the fact that even if he came back, would things be the same? Would you be able to start a relationship with a clean slate? I don't think so. You'd be in a much less favourable position. You've been dumped and ignored all this time. What would it tell about you if you took someone who did this to you back?

 

Like Sweets said, this kind of 'blurry' break up is very common. Sometimes we think we need to hear something like "I don't love you" or "I'm not attracted to you anymore" to accept a break up more easily, but these things are rarely said. People usually like to avoid conflict where they can, especially if they're breaking up with someone. By all means, "I don't want a relationship at the moment" means "I don't want a relationship at the moment with you".

 

Don't take it personally but accept that it's in the past. Your happiness will come from new people, new relationships, new time spent with friends, hobbies. Your ex is not the answer for easing your anxiety. It's your mind and your rumination that is causing your anxiety not your ex. He's long gone.

[figureitout23]

Wow. Excellent post morello.

[oneyearon]

Thanks so much to every one of you, your advice is helping me so much and is definitely helping me cope in between my therapy sessions.

 

He did reply a little after I posted my last update. Whether that's a good thing or not, I don't know. Funnily enough, he replied literally as I was walking out from my therapy session yesterday.

We spoke for a while last night and now we've been speaking most of the morning. Nothing has been mentioned about feelings, relationship etc and it's been just general life chat. Some of his replies have been pretty rapid and some quite long so it's hard for me to gauge anything at the moment. Although I feel like it will probably end in heart break as many people have warned so I'm trying to lay the ground work now to help me cope if it happens. Of course now, my anxiety is peaking again as I constantly check my phone to see if he's replied and am left feeling disappointed when he hasn't so I think it's a fair chance I'll fall back in love (if i'm not already lol) but who knows.

 

How would you all suggest I move forward? I certainly won't be pushing any conversation about feelings etc. yet but I think depending on how long we talk for at some point i'm probably gunna have to bring it up to know where I stand. I'm definitely trying to keep an open mind when talking and trying to keep expectations to a minimum, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for something to come from this. Just trying to keep myself distracted is doing quite well, but sometimes it isn't enough and I find my mind is like a wildfire of thoughts about my ex, it almost becomes too much to bear at times. Work is definitely a problem still, I find I can't concentrate at all and just sit there daydreaming, I usually have to leave my office for a walk or something throughout the day just to try and ground myself. Does anyone have any advice of how to deal with anxiety and help me get the constant thoughts out of my head so I can at least go by my daily life without it having too much of an impact. Isn't life ridiculous that someone can be madly in love with someone yet the other not seem to care?

[oneyearon]

Why are you assuming he doesn't care? He replied. You're talking. Do you think he's just being cordial? There's your anxiety taking over again. Why don't you redirect your thoughts, as in "expect nothing, hope for the best." You opened that door, now he's contacting, and your fear level is rising. Not good! Even if there's a chance here, your anxiety will ruin it before it has a chance to start.

 

You're definitely right. I'm the one leading all of the conversations though, that's the problem, I don't feel like i'm getting much back. Feels like i'm just an annoyance and he's replying just to be kind. Of course though it's only been about 14 hours since we've been talking and I wouldn't say it was particularly out of character for him to be like this either. I guess I'll just keep trying and see what happens, I'm definitely still in the position that if it doesn't go well, at least I've genuinely tried, that's more than anyone could ask for.

[figureitout23]

Thanks so much to every one of you, your advice is helping me so much and is definitely helping me cope in between my therapy sessions.

 

He did reply a little after I posted my last update. Whether that's a good thing or not, I don't know. Funnily enough, he replied literally as I was walking out from my therapy session yesterday.

We spoke for a while last night and now we've been speaking most of the morning. Nothing has been mentioned about feelings, relationship etc and it's been just general life chat. Some of his replies have been pretty rapid and some quite long so it's hard for me to gauge anything at the moment. Although I feel like it will probably end in heart break as many people have warned so I'm trying to lay the ground work now to help me cope if it happens. Of course now, my anxiety is peaking again as I constantly check my phone to see if he's replied and am left feeling disappointed when he hasn't so I think it's a fair chance I'll fall back in love (if i'm not already lol) but who knows.

 

How would you all suggest I move forward? I certainly won't be pushing any conversation about feelings etc. yet but I think depending on how long we talk for at some point i'm probably gunna have to bring it up to know where I stand. I'm definitely trying to keep an open mind when talking and trying to keep expectations to a minimum, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for something to come from this. Just trying to keep myself distracted is doing quite well, but sometimes it isn't enough and I find my mind is like a wildfire of thoughts about my ex, it almost becomes too much to bear at times. Work is definitely a problem still, I find I can't concentrate at all and just sit there daydreaming, I usually have to leave my office for a walk or something throughout the day just to try and ground myself. Does anyone have any advice of how to deal with anxiety and help me get the constant thoughts out of my head so I can at least go by my daily life without it having too much of an impact. Isn't life ridiculous that someone can be madly in love with someone yet the other not seem to care?

 

What are you looking for healing or reconciliation?

 

Call my overly cautious but I'd tread carefully. I can feel the anxiety coming off your post. Neither one of you has mentioned anything towards reconciliation so if he's messaging you simply as a friend or to be nice are you prepared for that?

 

I'm not saying that reconciliation can't happen im sure it can but are you prepared if it doesn't? It seems you've spent a year idealizing your relationship but the fact is he walked away cause he wasn't feeling it. Those problems aren't solved. Please tread carefully, there have been a lot of posters dealing with breadcrumbing exes, shield your heart( if possible) until you at least have an idea where his head is at. Again not saying it can't happen just be careful!

[oneyearon]

Hmm. Why don't you try something leading, that invokes a reply, and see if he replies with a response that also invokes a reply from you to carry conversation? I'm in contact with my ex, very rarely would I initiate, but he comes back with leading texts that invoke a response from me. I can tell the difference between when he's busy and seeing if I'm still here, and when he's being genuine. When you can be clear on that, you can tell whether it's authentic.

 

I feel for you, you shouldn't have to chase now that you opened that door again. You could just do as I said and then back off if it gives you the vibe that you're just annoying him. Thing is you put yourself back in his thoughts, so if he really wants to, he will initiate as well. If you don't think he is excited to hear from you, best to leave it slide, just for your own emotional well being.

 

What are you looking for healing or reconciliation?

 

Call my overly cautious but I'd tread carefully. I can feel the anxiety coming off your post. Neither one of you has mentioned anything towards reconciliation so if he's messaging you simply as a friend or to be nice are you prepared for that?

 

I'm not saying that reconciliation can't happen im sure it can but are you prepared if it doesn't? It seems you've spent a year idealizing your relationship but the fact is he walked away cause he wasn't feeling it. Those problems aren't solved. Please tread carefully, there have been a lot of posters dealing with breadcrumbing exes, shield your heart( if possible) until you at least have an idea where his head is at. Again not saying it can't happen just be careful!

 

Can I first of all say thanks to you two and anyone else on this thread for your ongoing support, you have no idea how much this helps me. This really is my outlet at the moment and just having people who understand what I'm going through makes me feel less alone in this. Because I had a chat with my mum earlier and told her how I'm feeling after a year and her reply was "still?". Of course she tried to help me but when people ask me why I'm not over it or are surprised that I'm not, it just isn't helpful to me and makes me feel worse about the situation when I feel stupid enough as it is. If I knew why I wasn't over it then surely I'd already be over it and wouldn't be getting help!

 

I'm not sure what I want, I think closure/healing or reconciliation would both be fine with me... Do I still like him? Yes. Do I want to get over him? Yes.

So anything that helps me confirm either of these ideas would be fine.

 

I decided to not reply to his last message for a while so I could go to the gym and work on some bits I needed to do. He did message me again after 2 hours of not replying with a bunch of love hearts. It's **** like that, that really pisses me off because I'm not of sound mind at the moment to deal with the reasons behind messages like that. Those kind of messages are just dangerous in this situation imo and just raise more questions as if there wasn't already enough for me to try and deal with.

 

Most of my mates are busy tonight so it looks like i'm going to be spending the night in. Not looking forward to it because that's when I usually am at my worst. I'll try keeping myself busy and maybe get an early night if it gets too much. I will update this thread as much as I can throughout this process because I think it's important for anyone in the future going through something like this to have something to read and understand they're not alone.

[abitbroken]

Thanks so much to every one of you, your advice is helping me so much and is definitely helping me cope in between my therapy sessions.

 

He did reply a little after I posted my last update. Whether that's a good thing or not, I don't know. Funnily enough, he replied literally as I was walking out from my therapy session yesterday.

We spoke for a while last night and now we've been speaking most of the morning. Nothing has been mentioned about feelings, relationship etc and it's been just general life chat. Some of his replies have been pretty rapid and some quite long so it's hard for me to gauge anything at the moment. Although I feel like it will probably end in heart break as many people have warned so I'm trying to lay the ground work now to help me cope if it happens. Of course now, my anxiety is peaking again as I constantly check my phone to see if he's replied and am left feeling disappointed when he hasn't so I think it's a fair chance I'll fall back in love (if i'm not already lol) but who knows.

 

How would you all suggest I move forward? I certainly won't be pushing any conversation about feelings etc. yet but I think depending on how long we talk for at some point i'm probably gunna have to bring it up to know where I stand. I'm definitely trying to keep an open mind when talking and trying to keep expectations to a minimum, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for something to come from this. Just trying to keep myself distracted is doing quite well, but sometimes it isn't enough and I find my mind is like a wildfire of thoughts about my ex, it almost becomes too much to bear at times. Work is definitely a problem still, I find I can't concentrate at all and just sit there daydreaming, I usually have to leave my office for a walk or something throughout the day just to try and ground myself. Does anyone have any advice of how to deal with anxiety and help me get the constant thoughts out of my head so I can at least go by my daily life without it having too much of an impact. Isn't life ridiculous that someone can be madly in love with someone yet the other not seem to care?

 

you should NOT be madly in love. In fact you are not - you are slightly obsessed about what could have been or the fact that you didn't accept the reason he broke up with you.

 

Right now he is just a chat pal. I don't think you should ask where you stand - because you don't stand anywhere. you texted him out of the blue and either because of familiarity, loneliness or interest or curiosity he is replying. I think that you need to keep yourself in check because his reply wasn't a relief to you, only an additional source of anxiety. Unless he asks you out to coffee (and again, coffee can mean nothing, too), i would not keep him as a chat buddy. I would not text him so much and would say "it was nice catching up." and leave him be.

 

I honestly think that if you are daydreaming at work and it affects your performance, you need to speak to your therapist about that --- you have exchanged one form of anxiety for another now that he replied. you have made this man the person all of your emotions hinge on and that's not healthy.

 

What exactly do you want? Texting him did not bring any acceptance or relieve anything. Its like someone who is trying to quit smoking and saying "one little puff will make me feel better and that's all i will have". because it doesn't.

[figureitout23]

 

 

I'm not sure what I want, I think closure/healing or reconciliation would both be fine with me... Do I still like him? Yes. Do I want to get over him? Yes.

So anything that helps me confirm either of these ideas would be fine.

 

I decided to not reply to his last message for a while so I could go to the gym and work on some bits I needed to do. He did message me again after 2 hours of not replying with a bunch of love hearts. It's **** like that, that really pisses me off because I'm not of sound mind at the moment to deal with the reasons behind messages like that. Those kind of messages are just dangerous in this situation imo and just raise more questions as if there wasn't already enough for me to try and deal with.

.

 

 

 

Dude! YOU opened Pandora's box.

 

You knew your fragile state, you knew the risk and you made the choice to go forward. You have to be responsible for your emotional wellbeing. He is not at the same state of mind as you, so he's probably not thinking about how his actions affect you. You can't blame him for that.

 

The hearts may not necessarily be a bad thing, he could be opening the lines of communication for the subject of reconciliation but the truth as I see it is you're far too afraid to find out. I agree with broken, you didn't cure your anxiety, you simply transferred it.

 

There's so much riding on this... I really don't know how you proceed. When's your next therapy appt.? she knows you best and will probably have the best advice on how to move forward. It's probably going to be best to just rip off the bandaid, ask to meet up and see what he says. There's no point in prolonging things.

[oneyearon]

You mention possible closure/healing, or reconciliation. What you don't mention is friendship. That shows after a year, you are still deeply emotionally attached here.

 

Two hours is not a long time lapse between texts. People are busy. People think too before replying when emotions are involved. Sending hearts, that's both hurtful and exciting. It makes your mind wander, it gives hope, which may be false.

 

Don't rush anything. It's been a year, you just made contact, he's replying. Take this slow, think before acting/speaking, and most importantly find good ways to manage your anxiety. It's always a bit strange and weird and uncertain how to communicate with an ex initially. Don't look for instant answers or gratification just to relieve your feelings. You might get a positive result here. I'm really not thinking this is dead in the water. See how communication develops, and if it seems to be going well, ask for a quick meetup in public during the day to catch up. You know sometimes you can want an ex so badly, but then upon reuniting with them after time has passed, you find that spark in person isn't there anymore.

 

I guess friendship isn't something I've thought about and even so, I'm not sure i'd be able to cope with that. Seeing him date other people etc. I know for a fact I wouldn't be comfortable with and if it ended up being just friendship I would definitely been confident in going back to NC. But ultimately you're right, we've been speaking and over the past day or so my anxiety has almost completely gone and I feel better than I have done for a long time now, life just feels a lot more calmer? I'm still not sure what will happen but atm it's defiantly nice to be speaking again. He certainly seems keen to continue talking so it'll be interesting to see what happens.

 

 

you should NOT be madly in love. In fact you are not - you are slightly obsessed about what could have been or the fact that you didn't accept the reason he broke up with you.

 

Right now he is just a chat pal. I don't think you should ask where you stand - because you don't stand anywhere. you texted him out of the blue and either because of familiarity, loneliness or interest or curiosity he is replying. I think that you need to keep yourself in check because his reply wasn't a relief to you, only an additional source of anxiety. Unless he asks you out to coffee (and again, coffee can mean nothing, too), i would not keep him as a chat buddy. I would not text him so much and would say "it was nice catching up." and leave him be.

 

I honestly think that if you are daydreaming at work and it affects your performance, you need to speak to your therapist about that --- you have exchanged one form of anxiety for another now that he replied. you have made this man the person all of your emotions hinge on and that's not healthy.

 

What exactly do you want? Texting him did not bring any acceptance or relieve anything. Its like someone who is trying to quit smoking and saying "one little puff will make me feel better and that's all i will have". because it doesn't.

 

I'm definitely keeping myself in check and don't get me wrong, I'm under no illusion that him talking to me is in any way a good or positive thing. On the same token, it doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. I think you could be wrong on the last part though, texting him has been a huge relief for me and I'm coping much better day to day than I have been previously. But I do agree this certainly seems like an addiction and almost as if he has control over me and my emotions in a very unhealthy way, but this process has made me realised this and it's something I know I NEED to fix.

 

 

Dude! YOU opened Pandora's box.

 

You knew your fragile state, you knew the risk and you made the choice to go forward. You have to be responsible for your emotional wellbeing. He is not at the same state of mind as you, so he's probably not thinking about how his actions affect you. You can't blame him for that.

 

The hearts may not necessarily be a bad thing, he could be opening the lines of communication for the subject of reconciliation but the truth as I see it is you're far too afraid to find out. I agree with broken, you didn't cure your anxiety, you simply transferred it.

 

There's so much riding on this... I really don't know how you proceed. When's your next therapy appt.? she knows you best and will probably have the best advice on how to move forward. It's probably going to be best to just rip off the bandaid, ask to meet up and see what he says. There's no point in prolonging things.

 

Yeah, I know I have nobody else but myself to blame if this blows back in my face. I'm definitely preparing myself for the worst and as mentioned before, I have no expectations on what could happen, it's nice just speaking again. Even if this goes south and we stop speaking again, I feel certain this was a positive thing for me and it has helped me evaluate my own sanity and emotional wellbeing and as many of you have pointed out there are lots of flaws. I think now I'm in a much better position to move on with guidance from my counsellor should this not work out.

[oneyearon]

Update:

So we've been speaking for a few days now, my anxiety has decreased dramatically and things are feeling a lot better in my head, I'm in a very good place in my life at the moment.

I have been keeping our chats completely casual and out of nowhere he started bringing up feelings, he told me he hasn't messaged me all year because he thought I hated him and I had moved on and forgotten about him, little did he know, eh? He did make some attempts to contact me, but I didn't respond to them because they were only breadcrumbs to me. He told me he was staring out our match on tinder for days and wanted to message me but assumed I didn't want anything to do with him and said if I didn't message him when I did he was going to do it anyway this week.

 

I'm not sure what this means, but I'm certainly feeling a lot more relaxed and tbh, it's like he never left, we're just bouncing off of each other again. It's just nice to have someone like that back in my life I suppose.

[figureitout23]

Update:

So we've been speaking for a few days now, my anxiety has decreased dramatically and things are feeling a lot better in my head, I'm in a very good place in my life at the moment.

I have been keeping our chats completely casual and out of nowhere he started bringing up feelings, he told me he hasn't messaged me all year because he thought I hated him and I had moved on and forgotten about him, little did he know, eh? He did make some attempts to contact me, but I didn't respond to them because they were only breadcrumbs to me. He told me he was staring out our match on tinder for days and wanted to message me but assumed I didn't want anything to do with him and said if I didn't message him when I did he was going to do it anyway this week.

 

I'm not sure what this means, but I'm certainly feeling a lot more relaxed and tbh, it's like he never left, we're just bouncing off of each other again. It's just nice to have someone like that back in my life I suppose.

 

I guess my question is, what was the point of reaching out if now you're just sitting on your hands?

 

Was there a goal to all this or were you just relieving your anxiety? Or were you just trying to get the emotional power back?

 

I am not your therapist, but I still think the longer this goes on the harder the fall will be.

 

Is he giving you breadcrumbs or is he trying to reconcile?

 

For the love of God, hes opening the door, walk through it, wasn't that your goal?