1 year later, I'm going to break contact...

[oneyearon]

I guess my question is, what was the point of reaching out if now you're just sitting on your hands?

 

Was there a goal to all this or were you just relieving your anxiety? Or were you just trying to get the emotional power back?

 

I am not your therapist, but I still think the longer this goes on the harder the fall will be.

 

Is he giving you breadcrumbs or is he trying to reconcile?

 

For the love of God, hes opening the door, walk through it, wasn't that your goal?

 

I think mainly it's me not wanting to rush anything. I don't think throwing myself straight into the deep-end would be wise, surely?

I don't know, I feel like it's better to just take our time and if it happens it happens? What do you think?

 

This week will be a big one for my therapist because even if we got back together, it's clear my emotions aren't stable and I rely on other people too much to make me happy. So I think it needs to be a mixture of working on myself as an individual and if we happen to get back together, then we work on us as a couple.

[figureitout23]

I think mainly it's me not wanting to rush anything. I don't think throwing myself straight into the deep-end would be wise, surely?

I don't know, I feel like it's better to just take our time and if it happens it happens? What do you think?

 

This week will be a big one for my therapist because even if we got back together, it's clear my emotions aren't stable and I rely on other people too much to make me happy. So I think it needs to be a mixture of working on myself as an individual and if we happen to get back together, then we work on us as a couple.

 

Excellent insight and great point. I guess at the end of the day I was unclear what your end goal was. At first it seemed reconciliation was the absolute goal, so it confused me, but now I'm under the impression that your main goal is yourself and you have a realistic view of everything now that the anxiety has dissipated, which is awesome!

 

Me personally, I think you should use the emotional power you just gained to push you forward in healing.

 

I'm kinda under the impression that now that the triggers he hit when he left have calmed you're probably not even going to want to be with him. Hes stepping off the pedestal. Which again is awesome.

 

I'm very happy for you and I'm curious what your therapist thinks.

 

One day at a time, tread lightly, do not allow yourself to lose your emotional footing.

[abitbroken]

Update:

So we've been speaking for a few days now, my anxiety has decreased dramatically and things are feeling a lot better in my head, I'm in a very good place in my life at the moment.

I have been keeping our chats completely casual and out of nowhere he started bringing up feelings, he told me he hasn't messaged me all year because he thought I hated him and I had moved on and forgotten about him, little did he know, eh? He did make some attempts to contact me, but I didn't respond to them because they were only breadcrumbs to me. He told me he was staring out our match on tinder for days and wanted to message me but assumed I didn't want anything to do with him and said if I didn't message him when I did he was going to do it anyway this week.

 

I'm not sure what this means, but I'm certainly feeling a lot more relaxed and tbh, it's like he never left, we're just bouncing off of each other again. It's just nice to have someone like that back in my life I suppose.

 

It does feel like you are treating him like a drug ---when he was out of your life - you couldn't move on, you were depressed and anxious all the time and couldn't see what was in front of you in your life -- newfound health, other guys, your job, when you go your "hit" - you jeopardized your job by daydreaming at it and not focusing. Now that he has been in consistent contact, you feel comfortable --- the drug is in your system.

 

I'm in a very good place in my life at the moment.

 

You absolutely aren't in a good place because a few days ago, you were unable to move on, depressed, etc.

If he doesn't contact you for days or it turns out he is just reminiscing, etc., and is not clearly wanting to date you or not clearly wanting to block contact you and you are in the murky middle -- you will be back where you started ---

 

I hightly suggest that you curtail this one sided love fest and just say "it was nice catching up" and don't chat with him so much ---- if he doesn't ask you out - he is not interested in trying again and is just walking down memory lane.

[figureitout23]

It does feel like you are treating him like a drug ---when he was out of your life - you couldn't move on, you were depressed and anxious all the time and couldn't see what was in front of you in your life -- newfound health, other guys, your job, when you go your "hit" - you jeopardized your job by daydreaming at it and not focusing. Now that he has been in consistent contact, you feel comfortable --- the drug is in your system.

 

I'm in a very good place in my life at the moment.

 

You absolutely aren't in a good place because a few days ago, you were unable to move on, depressed, etc.

If he doesn't contact you for days or it turns out he is just reminiscing, etc., and is not clearly wanting to date you or not clearly wanting to block contact you and you are in the murky middle -- you will be back where you started ---

 

I hightly suggest that you curtail this one sided love fest and just say "it was nice catching up" and don't chat with him so much ---- if he doesn't ask you out - he is not interested in trying again and is just walking down memory lane.

 

I agree with this which is why I think using the emotional capital or 'hit' to gain traction is going to be his best bet right now. I think he's seeing clearly right now which can help jump start his healing.

 

I'm interested what the therapist suggests.

[oneyearon]

Thought I'd come back and give you all a bit of an update incase anyone is curious as it's been a while.

 

Things were great between us, he began calling and texting me everyday, he began initiating all of the contact and leading most conversations, he invited me to meet him numerous times and he apologised for everything that happened between us. Even if it was just as friends it was great to have him back in my life but deep down it definitely confirmed my love for him and that he is the one I want to spend my life with. He told me how he wanted to talk to me during the whole year of NC and the numerous attempts he made to contact me. He told me how he hadn't even kissed anyone else in the past year, which at least helped put to bed the thoughts that he had dumped me to be with someone else. We continued talking pretty much daily for months until 2 days ago. I woke up and realised he had completely blocked me from everything, even my number was completely blocked which is something he never does to anyone. There was no message, no goodbye, no explanation even, just one minute we were friends, the next, he was completely gone. It's basically the exact thing he did when he broke up with me.

 

Of course this is completely unfair, but I have no one to blame but myself. I opened the door, I have to deal with the consequences, I know this and I've said that from the beginning.

But am I angry and hurt? Absolutely.

 

I still look back on this as a good thing, I mean, it answered a lot of my questions but it certainly showed I'm not over him and I DO want him back. In fact, I STILL want him back even after this. I have no regrets about contacting him because if I didn't it would be a lingering "what if". I now get to live knowing that at least I tried once more and I made an effort which is way more than he ever did. It's funny, as soon as I realised he had gone again I wasn't even that sad, my emotions just catapulted back to exactly where they were before I broke contact, it feels so familiar it's scary. It's a shame it had to end in such a ty way though, I'd much rather he be honest and tell me he didn't want me in his life anymore and then deleted me. I'm now left with a new set of questions than before, trying to understand what could trigger someone to remove someone so suddenly and completely from their lives where they're left with no chance in hell of ever getting in contact again. Especially when things were great only the day before? It almost feels like someone has said/done something behind my back? It's left me curious... but I'll just have to continue where I left off and hope one day I'll finally be able to move on with someone who deserves my love, time and energy.

 

Thanks for all of your ongoing support.

Means the world x

[bluecastle]

Sorry to hear about this, but it sounds like you've learned (or are learning) an important lesson here: that people change at their own pace, that our feelings for them can't change them, no matter how deep they are. You took a risk you needed to take, which is all love ever is. Knowing you can survive the consequences is how you remain open.

 

That said, a word of caution. You might want to take some time to reflect on what it means to continue wanting someone like this, to "still" want someone back who has proven himself incapable of giving you what you need and treating you with the honesty and respect you seek. Because I don't think it's really "him" you want at this point so much as your idealized version of him. I'm sure he has a lot of great qualities, but going full ghost when he can't process life's slings and arrows is not particularly noble.

 

The guy you think he could be? That's a real person, but it's not him. And in order to meet him you have to accept that, fully. I know it's hard. Wishing you the best.