Questioning the Benefits of No Contact

[11moreweeks]

I'm currently in a position where I'm seriously having doubts over the value of indefinite no contact. I've had 4-5 months of almost no contact with my ex (She's sent me 3 messages, I've only responded to a happy birthday with a thanks). From her texts, it seems clear that she wants me in her life, but I also know that I don't want to be in her life as her friend.

 

I still carry resentment over her pretty much abandoning me in an awful situation she encouraged me to stay in, and her doing so in order to date someone with an easier life. With that said, I truly loved this girl, and the things that hurt me were also hurting her. I don't feel as if I have gained anything internally from no contact for maybe 2 months (definitely at least a month).

 

I wonder if I feel wrong over ignoring her texts/desire to reach out simply because it was such a long relationship (8 years) and I'd committed so hard, or if it's because I've been convinced to be too "gung-ho" and "screw my ex" with no contact. I don't see how self-love and self-empowerment comes from totally shutting down an ex, being cynical, or holding resentment.

 

I still hold hope for reconciliation, though at this point it would be difficult to go through with and would require a lot of counseling. If her trying to reach out to me has anything to do with that, then I'd consider being in regular contact with her. If she's not, then learning that she's not wouldn't really change the status quo. There's a lot of things she could do/say that would severely hurt, of course, but having lost the relationship hurts anyways.

 

I feel like after such a long-term relationship, with so many external stressors, and just before such big changes, that even if it ended in such a negative way, she at least deserves to be heard out.

[Wiseman2]

It's not about shutting them out. It's about calming the waters then letting the fog lift so you can reflect on what it all is. It's not a panacea for anything.

[ThatwasThen]

It helps you to get to the stage of indifference to them. That's the goal in any breakup. Her being able to contact you has stagnated you from moving on. You still want to reconcile because she gets through to you. If she wanted you back, she would make that request in the contact but she hasn't. She just plays little contact games with you for some reason involving ego.

 

Block her so she can't play with your head.

[MissCanuck]

I wonder if I feel wrong over ignoring her texts/desire to reach out simply because it was such a long relationship (8 years) and I'd committed so hard, or if it's because I've been convinced to be too "gung-ho" and "screw my ex" with no contact. I don't see how self-love and self-empowerment comes from totally shutting down an ex, being cynical, or holding resentment.

 

That isn't what No Contact is about, though.

 

The goal is to get you the time and space you need to heal. If you remain in touch with an ex, that is almost definitely going to take longer. No Contact can help you gain clarity and reach a relative point of indifference, so that if you someday hear that your ex has a new boyfriend, for example, it doesn't feel like such a sucker-punch.

 

My guess is that if you open the lines of communication at this point, you are going to be very hurt if she reveals she doesn't want to reconcile and only wanted to see how you are.

[DanZee]

Well, the NC advice is based on the fact that very, very few couples reconcile, and even if you reconcile, it only lasts for a few months, all the old problems reoccur, and then you feel worse after that breakup than the original breakup. Also, if you and your ex keep contacting each other, it's like tearing a scab off a wound. The wound opens up and it has to start healing again, making the whole thing take longer than if you stayed with NC. And even if you wind up talking, there might be some ex-sex, but usually both parties feel bad afterwards and there's a lot of crying and drama. Also in these situations, there's always one party hoping for a reconciliation and the other one not wanting one.

 

There is also the fear that you will be friendzoned. You know? You're the guy who gets called at 3 in the morning to remove a spider from the bathroom but not to go on a date.

 

So that's the logic to it. If you ignore the advice, proceed with caution and try not to get too hurt.

[Hollyj]

It's about moving on. If you are this conflicted - especially after such a long relationship - then there should be NC, and you should block.

 

If she was not there in a difficult time, then she does not sound like much of a friend.

[Doosha]

So, under what circumstances would you get back with her? What do you expect her to do to even think about it? If that is what you want..

 

Is she still with that other person?

[Hollyj]

I read part of your initial thread. I'm sorry, but this girl is no longer in love with you. The relationship sounds like it was quite dysfunctional.

 

Have you sought therapy for your issues?

[CubbyBear]

Yeah, I hate to say it but NC is the way to go. Everything you wrote specifically screams NC, NC, NC!!!! If she really wanted you in her life, she would have made a bigger effort. Even then, it's cruel and selfish since she's using you for a self-esteem boost. She left you and found someone else. It sucks, I know but there is nothing left to say or do. Reaching out won't win her back or get you the answers you need. She won't automatically just see things your way and apologize for everything. Breaking NC will just create more hurt and pain in your life. And I for one, do not want to see that.

 

You're questioning NC because your have an internal struggle going on right now between your emotions and your logic. You've read and probably somewhat believe NC is the right thing to do. Then again, you're hurt, sad, abandoned...you want to make sense of it all. I'm telling you, brother....it's all part of the grieving process and why NC is completely 100% the right thing to do for yourself. You need to hit the acceptance stage and get to a point where you can apply logic to your decisions vs. the emotions that are clouding them. It's only then that you can make the right call about reaching out. But I promise you when you get to that point and your'e 100% happy with your new self, you won't even want to contact her. Because you'll love yourself too much to go back to that.

 

Plain and simple, cut her out of your life completely. Don't even respond to texts. It's over. Heal and move on.

 

Much love! Hang in there!

[cristal]

To date, No Contact has proven to be the best and quickest method of getting over someone. Albeit slow at times, there is no other technique that has proven to be more reliable than No Contact. There is nothing else that can get you over an ex faster. It has been tried and proven. It's head versus heart. It's pride coupled with integrity. It's never let 'em see you sweat.

 

You have to exercise patience and believe in the process. I could certainly understand your frustration that you just cannot press a button and presto, you are over it! But slowly it will happen.

[Doosha]

Just fyi, as someone who has used NC in the past... It took me 3 freaking years to get over one guy, even though we had NO Contact whatsoever. So the speed of getting over someone has nothing to do with NC itself, but rather what you do during that time. Im not saying one should stay in touch, noooo. However, if you use NC just as a tool to get her/him back your healing will take as long as if you didnt do NC. So, use this time wisely. Say goodbye, forgive and start working on learning how to love yourself again!

[HeartGoesOn]

You're obviously in the bargaining stage...Hang tight, it will pass, and you'll still land on your feet.

[Annia]

It depends on the situation but before initiating NC I usually tell the person that I'll go into NC at least for a while to heal and ask them to respect my wishes and don't reach out. If they really respect that I need to heal and move on and want the best for me, they'll make an effort too of not contact me and it'll make NC easier for both. Besides, by telling them I don't have to feel bad for ignoring or blocking if necessary.

[Annia]

That isn't what No Contact is about, though.

 

The goal is to get you the time and space you need to heal. If you remain in touch with an ex, that is almost definitely going to take longer. No Contact can help you gain clarity and reach a relative point of indifference, so that if you someday hear that your ex has a new boyfriend, for example, it doesn't feel like such a sucker-punch.

 

My guess is that if you open the lines of communication at this point, you are going to be very hurt if she reveals she doesn't want to reconcile and only wanted to see how you are.

 

Exactly... NC isn't about playing games, being resentful, revenge or showing them how bitter you are. It's about distancing yourself in order to heal and move on and reach a point where you can think rationally about the break up without pain. Some people use NC as a game to get the person back or as a way to "show them"... but it's not what it is about. NC is not about them, it's about you. It's about your healing. Sometimes there's reconciliation, sometimes there isn't. The goal is simply healing.

 

If someone doesn't respect your NC wishes and keeps contacting you, just tell them you need NC to heal and move on and if they keep contacting you block them.

 

And if you want reconciliation in the future, show (or say if necessary) that you want NC to heal and move on and for them not contact you unless they want to give the relationship another change and to express it clearly. Otherwise you're moving on. Don't fall for the little contact games or the little messages "checking you in" or trying to get into conversation that leads no where... or the messages out of habit or loneliness. Allowing this will only delay your healing and also gives the wrong message to the other person and puts you in a position where you're not respecting yourself and doing what's best for you.

 

It's hard I know, but remaining in contact with the other person only delays your healing progress. Sometimes it's necessary to jump into the discomfort of not having the person around giving us breadcrumbs of hope and sit on it. The breadcrumbs will only delay your progress and get you more frustrated time and time again.

If she wants to reconcile, she'll explicitly say so. Less than that it's not good for you.

 

And even if she wants to reconcile, by having exercised NC and reached a point where you're feeling better, you can look at the situation in a more rational way and actually decide if you want to come back to her or not. It's your decision... don't give the power to others to decide your future.

 

Besides, while you're being her friend she's healing and moving on with YOUR support while you're stuck not being able to heal and move on... and one day, there's the danger of her getting someone new, and you'll be there to witness it all and be even more hurt, because you accepted to hold her hand during your own break up and help her heal and move on while you're still hurting. While with NC you wouldn't have to go through all that.

 

What makes it so hard with NC is the habit of having the other person around and the hope and denial that we have that the relationship is over. But sometimes it's a necessary discomfort that we have to go through to protect ourselves and heal.

[11moreweeks]

Thank you to everyone for the replies. Honestly, I'm still pretty conflicted over whether or not to ignore her messages (it feels likely that she'll reach out again, so I feel like I need to prepare. I just like being prepared for things.)

 

It's not about shutting them out. It's about calming the waters then letting the fog lift so you can reflect on what it all is. It's not a panacea for anything.

 

I initiated no contact for myself, and I feel as if the fog built up by the relationship, by the breakup, and by the initial contact we had has largely been lifted. It feels, however, that a different fog has taken it's place. It seems hard to avoid building a narrative when in no-contact that puts one's ex in a negative light, and it feels as if no contact is attempted to be maintained by "shutting them out" when they do try to contact you (if they break barriers. I didn't block her, but as she's only messaged me a few times, it didn't seem like it would change much). That might have had an effect, but it doesn't really feel like it and I haven't noticed any changes internally in a while.

 

It helps you to get to the stage of indifference to them. That's the goal in any breakup. Her being able to contact you has stagnated you from moving on. You still want to reconcile because she gets through to you. If she wanted you back, she would make that request in the contact but she hasn't. She just plays little contact games with you for some reason involving ego.

 

Block her so she can't play with your head.

 

I just can't really believe without evidence that her attempts to reach out are ego games, be they conscious or unconscious. It seems like something you have to actually talk to someone about. Likewise, some people are very passive (such as my ex) who are unlikely to directly say what they want.

I don't know about reaching a stage of total indifference. This breakup has felt more like (and I have treated it more like) a death, and I think the core reason for some hope for reconciliation is because it was a fulfilling relationship that was deeply strained by factors that no longer have to exist (such that it would be a totally different relationship through removal of the majority of negatives). It feels like I'm just shutting her out and cynical if I go with this approach to no contact.

 

That isn't what No Contact is about, though.

 

The goal is to get you the time and space you need to heal. If you remain in touch with an ex, that is almost definitely going to take longer. No Contact can help you gain clarity and reach a relative point of indifference, so that if you someday hear that your ex has a new boyfriend, for example, it doesn't feel like such a sucker-punch.

 

My guess is that if you open the lines of communication at this point, you are going to be very hurt if she reveals she doesn't want to reconcile and only wanted to see how you are.

 

Oh, the new boyfriend thing happened pretty quickly. I was strung along (as in, she was intentionally leading me to believe that we would reconcile, which she claimed was for my mindset to help me get through my studies) with heavy contact before she told me because I pressed her on her odd behavior -- I'm pretty sure it's the same guy she kept talking to me about before we broke up, and who she said she was going out on dates with less than 2 weeks after breaking up with me. That definitely felt like a massive blow, although I pieced it together as it was coming.

 

I definitely agree that it's very likely that I get pretty hurt by speaking to her, although I highly doubt it'll hurt as much as the breakup or the new boyfriend did. It doesn't really feel as if I have much I could lose at this point, except maybe some respect for her, since the assumed status quo is that she's dating someone else and doesn't want to reconcile.

 

Well, the NC advice is based on the fact that very, very few couples reconcile, and even if you reconcile, it only lasts for a few months, all the old problems reoccur, and then you feel worse after that breakup than the original breakup. Also, if you and your ex keep contacting each other, it's like tearing a scab off a wound. The wound opens up and it has to start healing again, making the whole thing take longer than if you stayed with NC. And even if you wind up talking, there might be some ex-sex, but usually both parties feel bad afterwards and there's a lot of crying and drama. Also in these situations, there's always one party hoping for a reconciliation and the other one not wanting one.

 

There is also the fear that you will be friendzoned. You know? You're the guy who gets called at 3 in the morning to remove a spider from the bathroom but not to go on a date.

 

So that's the logic to it. If you ignore the advice, proceed with caution and try not to get too hurt.

 

I guess all I can really do if I keep these doubts in my head is proceed with caution and try not to get too hurt. I think it's nearly-impossible for the majority of the old problems to reoccur, so it feels more like a struggle over the accuracy of conventional wisdom.

 

It's about moving on. If you are this conflicted - especially after such a long relationship - then there should be NC, and you should block.

 

If she was not there in a difficult time, then she does not sound like much of a friend.

 

(second post)

 

I read part of your initial thread. I'm sorry, but this girl is no longer in love with you. The relationship sounds like it was quite dysfunctional.

 

Have you sought therapy for your issues?

 

She was definitely an abysmal friend while we remained in contact -- the worst "friend" I've ever had, so there's no chance of any friendship from me. If nothing else, responding to her if she reaches out again could get me to directly state that she and I will not be friends and she should never contact me. The friendship is one of the benefits of a long-term relationship, and if working through periods of falling out-of-love to rekindle a relationship is something she's unwilling to do, then I don't want to spend any time on her at all.

 

The relationship was pretty dysfunctional, yes. I suspect that the external issues straining the relationship were the fundamental cause, but I can't really know (which contributes to my doubts).

 

I was seeing a psychologist every 2-3 weeks through my university from November through March. It didn't do much for me, unfortunately (or fortunately, perhaps) -- all the psychologist could say was that I was dealt a really bad hand in life and did a pretty good job of managing it all (including my psychological and mental health) through it all. I had been working on most of my issues throughout 2016/2017, but had an unhealthy mindset that repressed progress which I got rid of with the breakup.

 

 

So, under what circumstances would you get back with her? What do you expect her to do to even think about it? If that is what you want..

 

Is she still with that other person?

 

(2nd comment)

 

Just fyi, as someone who has used NC in the past... It took me 3 freaking years to get over one guy, even though we had NO Contact whatsoever. So the speed of getting over someone has nothing to do with NC itself, but rather what you do during that time. Im not saying one should stay in touch, noooo. However, if you use NC just as a tool to get her/him back your healing will take as long as if you didnt do NC. So, use this time wisely. Say goodbye, forgive and start working on learning how to love yourself again!

 

The only things I would definitely want are professional counseling and improved communication, as I feel much of the rest of what might happen is hard to determine. Everything else depends on questions I don't have answers to, or questions I don't realized I'd ask. It's really just something that would have to be heavily discussed. I'm pretty in-the-dark over her life as I tried to totally separate myself from it, so I have no clue if she's still dating the other person.

 

3 years doesn't sound unrealistic -- I had a hunch that I would take 2-3 years for this relationship, so I'm not even 1/3 of the way there and don't really stress over my rate-of-healing, or even think about it really. I've definitely used No Contact as a personal tool for personal reasons, as nothing I could do would make a big difference in her actions.

 

 

Yeah, I hate to say it but NC is the way to go. Everything you wrote specifically screams NC, NC, NC!!!! If she really wanted you in her life, she would have made a bigger effort. Even then, it's cruel and selfish since she's using you for a self-esteem boost. She left you and found someone else. It sucks, I know but there is nothing left to say or do. Reaching out won't win her back or get you the answers you need. She won't automatically just see things your way and apologize for everything. Breaking NC will just create more hurt and pain in your life. And I for one, do not want to see that.

 

You're questioning NC because your have an internal struggle going on right now between your emotions and your logic. You've read and probably somewhat believe NC is the right thing to do. Then again, you're hurt, sad, abandoned...you want to make sense of it all. I'm telling you, brother....it's all part of the grieving process and why NC is completely 100% the right thing to do for yourself. You need to hit the acceptance stage and get to a point where you can apply logic to your decisions vs. the emotions that are clouding them. It's only then that you can make the right call about reaching out. But I promise you when you get to that point and your'e 100% happy with your new self, you won't even want to contact her. Because you'll love yourself too much to go back to that.

 

Plain and simple, cut her out of your life completely. Don't even respond to texts. It's over. Heal and move on.

 

Much love! Hang in there!

 

Perhaps, yeah. There's almost no chance I reach out to her myself, so it's more just if I even start responding cordially when she reaches out to me. Either way, the next few months are a time when I'm going to start working on connections for graduate school (and perhaps emigration), so I'll keep moving forward in life and working to build myself up regardless.

 

To date, No Contact has proven to be the best and quickest method of getting over someone. Albeit slow at times, there is no other technique that has proven to be more reliable than No Contact. There is nothing else that can get you over an ex faster. It has been tried and proven. It's head versus heart. It's pride coupled with integrity. It's never let 'em see you sweat.

 

You have to exercise patience and believe in the process. I could certainly understand your frustration that you just cannot press a button and presto, you are over it! But slowly it will happen.

 

I can feel it to have been mostly working, though as noted, I've felt some stagnation in the no contact process the last month or two. This could be due to life influence, could be a simple aspect of my feeling process, or could come from a deeper issue. If nothing else, perhaps responding to her if she messaged again would give me some fuel to shut down the doubts I am having.

 

You're obviously in the bargaining stage...Hang tight, it will pass, and you'll still land on your feet.

 

Hopefully, yes. While I am having these doubts / perhaps bargaining, I am still jumping forward and trying to stick my landings. She is not worth holding me back in life regardless.

 

It depends on the situation but before initiating NC I usually tell the person that I'll go into NC at least for a while to heal and ask them to respect my wishes and don't reach out. If they really respect that I need to heal and move on and want the best for me, they'll make an effort too of not contact me and it'll make NC easier for both. Besides, by telling them I don't have to feel bad for ignoring or blocking if necessary.

 

(2nd comment)

 

Exactly... NC isn't about playing games, being resentful, revenge or showing them how bitter you are. It's about distancing yourself in order to heal and move on and reach a point where you can think rationally about the break up without pain. Some people use NC as a game to get the person back or as a way to "show them"... but it's not what it is about. NC is not about them, it's about you. It's about your healing. Sometimes there's reconciliation, sometimes there isn't. The goal is simply healing.

 

If someone doesn't respect your NC wishes and keeps contacting you, just tell them you need NC to heal and move on and if they keep contacting you block them.

 

And if you want reconciliation in the future, show (or say if necessary) that you want NC to heal and move on and for them not contact you unless they want to give the relationship another change and to express it clearly. Otherwise you're moving on. Don't fall for the little contact games or the little messages "checking you in" or trying to get into conversation that leads no where... or the messages out of habit or loneliness. Allowing this will only delay your healing and also gives the wrong message to the other person and puts you in a position where you're not respecting yourself and doing what's best for you.

 

It's hard I know, but remaining in contact with the other person only delays your healing progress. Sometimes it's necessary to jump into the discomfort of not having the person around giving us breadcrumbs of hope and sit on it. The breadcrumbs will only delay your progress and get you more frustrated time and time again.

If she wants to reconcile, she'll explicitly say so. Less than that it's not good for you.

 

And even if she wants to reconcile, by having exercised NC and reached a point where you're feeling better, you can look at the situation in a more rational way and actually decide if you want to come back to her or not. It's your decision... don't give the power to others to decide your future.

 

Besides, while you're being her friend she's healing and moving on with YOUR support while you're stuck not being able to heal and move on... and one day, there's the danger of her getting someone new, and you'll be there to witness it all and be even more hurt, because you accepted to hold her hand during your own break up and help her heal and move on while you're still hurting. While with NC you wouldn't have to go through all that.

 

What makes it so hard with NC is the habit of having the other person around and the hope and denial that we have that the relationship is over. But sometimes it's a necessary discomfort that we have to go through to protect ourselves and heal.

 

If nothing else, responding if she messages me again would give me a chance to re-iterate why we aren't talking. She'd been having an issue of forgetting things the last couple years, so maybe she'd just need to be reminded that, no, friendship and casual contact are not going to happen between us and she has to respect the terminal nature of the breakup. There's just no benefit for me to having her as a friend or a casual contact, and doing so would only risk one or both of us being hurt in some way.

 

I have some doubts over the expected forthrightness of exes (especially of my ex) with regards to reconciliation, so it feels like if that's something shes' thinking of, then I'd need to give her an audience beforehand.

 

As for using me as source of comfort while she started dating someone else...that already happened. It's someone she lined up before breaking up with me, and appears at this point to have been the main reason for the breakup.

 

I feel pretty in control of my own path/future. I think very lowly of infidelity, but I'm a pretty forgiving person. An audience might be all she gets from me.

[CubbyBear]

Your'e putting way to much energy into this. You don't have anything to prove to her. It's over. She found someone else. You have to focus getting over this. Why use all this energy on something that is going to bring more pain into your life? What value is this adding to bettering yourself? You were clear on NC so practice it until you see the benefits. Obsessing like this is not complete NC therefore that's why you're not seeing its true value. Pretend she's dead...have a funeral for her in your mind.

 

And be kinder to yourself and the grieving process. Not everyone gets over breakups quickly. You may be stagnant for another couple months or even a year. But eventually, you will get over it. It's tried and true. There is not an 'exception' to NC. People who think that are still stuck in the denial phase bargaining phases. My last relationship was a year and it took me 2 years to get over it. There were a good 8 months where I felt stagnant. Just the way it goes.

 

You setup your boundary now have enough self-respect and self-love to follow through. If she continues to reach out, take steps like blocking her / changing your #. You don't have to continually remind someone of your boundaries. We're adults. If they choose not to respect you then why waste any time talking to them. Especially if this person already had someone lined up.

 

You have an empty space in your heart and tons of excess time/energy. Figure out how to use it productively so you can better yourself and eventually attract the right things in your life. Once you're completely healed and truly over her, then you think about breaking NC. But I promise you by that time, you'll love yourself so much you won't invite that type of negative energy back into your life. Right now it's just a waste of time because it's your temporary emotions that are clouding your judgement.

[figureitout23]

Oh yeah you are smack dab in the middle of the bargaining phase. You're everywhere man.

 

One minute you're convinced she wants to reconcile and the only thing stopping that is NC.

 

The next you're convinced you want nothing to do with her and the only way to let that be known is to break NC.

 

Every road leads to breaking NC. Stay grounded. You can easily convince yourself of a lot during a break up.

 

First off idealizing your relationship saying it has to have been real because now you feel like you're recovering from a death. It seems logical right? But it's not this break up feels like a death because it was codependent and she was your anchor, your distraction from the chaos going on in your home. She was your out and losing that would most deffinetely feel like a death. Doesn't mean the relationship wasn't dysfunctional, it was.

 

Second you have to tell her you don't want to talk to her. Anytime an ex or someone who doesn't like me feels the need to tell me what they don't like about me it goes in one ear and out the other. It's useless information. The saying goes : your opinion of me is none of my business.

 

She left you for another man. The fact that you two have nothing else to talk about is so evident Stevie Wonder could see it. You reiterate that by blocking her on all mediums, not by reaching out. That's a cry for attention, might as well send a 'goodbye' letter. Which BTW screams 'pay attention to me' just don't do it, at the very least sit on things.

[CubbyBear]

"so evident, Stevie Wonder could see it" LOLOLOL. I'll have to remember that one.

[DeepPurple88]

What they said ^^

 

I had someone who bailed when I needed them the most. Said they were busy with life and didn't have time for me.

 

OUCH!

 

Although I loved her to death and thought she would be there for me anytime, her actions said more than her words ever could.

 

I know - it feels like she is the only one who can help you feel better. But that's just not realistic. You HAVE to move on.

 

Block her, move on, identify those people who truly care about you and concentrate on them instead.

 

And don't forget to learn from this. Figure out how to get the attention you need without seeming so needy - that will chase women away like nothing else!

[oscarisking]

NC is for you to learn how live your life without a particular person taking up real estate in it. It works in romantic relationships, familial relationships, friendships etc. As others have said it's going to take time. If she was kinder she would respect that you need space and stop trying to reach out to you. While it seems cruel some of the kindest breakups I've had where when my dumper ex just cut me off and I have enough willpower not to reach out. Why? Because it made the pain less heavy. You're essentially forced to learn to find solace in other things and people so I spent more time with friends and family, started working out, started reading more. And while there is some small bouts of sadness - for the most part the bite is gone. Since she's probably missing you too in some ways - though I don't think romantically, I think she just wants her cake and eat it too(meaning she gets you there as her baby blanket person and her new squeeze but she is no longer interested in dating you) - you're going to have to be the bigger/stronger person and cut her off. This includes limiting the amount of time you think about her, check up on her social media, read through old texts and notes(etc). You need to learn to also stop living and leaning on the fantasy that you built up in your head of her and the relationship and the shoulda, woulda, couldas. Again - all of this is hard, it hurts, you'll be lonely and it takes time. But we've all been there. You can do it! And once you're on the other end of it you'll be happier and stronger - trust me. You'll learn what is important to you in a relationship and what you're truly looking for.