Why is she dating another coworker after rejecting me, she even led me on ?

[OKK]

Last time I made a post here, I was portrayed as the bad guy while the girl who played games with me and led me on was just simply being friendly. Heck NO !.

 

I am not exactly sure what has hit me. It's the first time ever that I am going through something like this and I hope its the last time. Back in February, I met this girl at my University. Though I had seen her before, I never really talked to her but once I finally started talking to her, we clicked. I went out with her and a common friend for drinks one night and I completely had her attention. I could touch her, hold her, hold her hands, everything felt real. Long story short, she added me on Facebook, we started texting each other back and fourth. She asked me to join her to a science conference but the sign up had closed, so i decided to ask her out for drinks over the weekend. She had already plans with her friends, however she asked me to come along. And I did ! She didn't invite any other guy or person from our University. Why ? We have the same group of friends and for 4 days she doesn't even tell anyone about it. We had a great night so to say. She was giving me all the attention and again touching her or holding her hands or even her was so no problem. But when I decided to kiss her on the dance floor, she pulled away… She told me, ''Don't poop where you eat'' implying to the fact that we work at the same place and have the same group of friends and that it would be awkward. I straight up told her to take it as a compliment. I moved on the day after ! I really did ! So what is the problem now ?

 

 

Well after 4 days of no contact, she suddenly texts me work related. When I went to talk to her about her problem, it seemed like she didn't even have any real question to ask me. Then we gradually started to text each other again. I would do the initiating mostly but she never stopped responding. One day I picked up my phone and decided to give her a call. I told her that I never had any intentions to hook up with her. All I wanted was to ask her out on a date so that she could had gotten to know me better as a person and then make her decision. And then I asked her out again for coffee. This time she said, ''I would like to have coffee with you but I would never do anything with a coworker''. I just told her that you don't even know me yet and after you have met me, if you still feel the same way, I would accept that. She agreed for a normal coffee date thereafter. She told me that she would update me on her schedule the day after. She did that, but it was really late around 11 pm and she wanted to meet the next following day around 13:00 pm for coffee. I simply declined her offer, since I was feeling that I might be forcing her into all of this. So I then tell her, that lets reschedule and she was fine with that. She told me that she is pretty free next week. I told her great, so shoot me a text when you can and we will take it from there. She then writes, sounds great. The reason why I did this was because I wanted to see if she was even interested in going out and if she would even text me regarding this.

 

 

After 6 days of no contact from either sides, she finally saw me at Uni. We said our Hi's and I left the building. As soon as I got to my car, I had received a text from her, ''I have been extremely busy with work and had my friends over from France and couldn't find anytime before. But are you still up for the friendly coffee ?''. This time around I realized that she just wanted to be friends and had no real interest as she mentioned the term friendly coffee.. I simply replied her saying, ''I think we shouldn't. I think you misunderstood me on the phone the other day. I am not interested in you just as friends, I never was. I always have been straightforward with you and asked you out the second time we met. I would really like to take you out and if you ever change your mind again, shoot me a text, I'd love to see you again. I hope you respect my decision the way I respect yours. Take care''. She replied (quickly), ''Sure, no problem, see you around :)''. That was it. The end of everything…

 

 

Now we don't even speak with each other anymore. We are in the same department, in the same building and all we say to each other are Hi's and bye's. But to me it feels like that she doesn't even want to say Hi to me and she is just forcing herself. Even when she says Hi, she doesn't look at me, she would look down, tilt her head and won't even wait to hear my reply. No problem, I don't care.

 

 

The real problem is that, there came a new guy in our group. Now he started to talk to her and they would talk to each other all the time. I don't mind that at all. Of course I felt a bit jealous but I know I can do better. Now, she would not even interact with the group, is it because of me ? I don't know. She would not even talk to people in the group or be around me. All she does is talk to that guy. She would sit with him, eat lunch with him, talk to him and I just felt like now she found another person to leech on.

 

 

What really bothered me was that she asked this guy to ask me for my access card which works at the University over the weekend. And she doesn't even have the courage to ask me about this straightforward. I really felt disrespected there, that she would send a third party person to ask me for something like this. She might be dating him, who knows and who cares but I always wanted to move on from this. She would never date coworkers and now she is or might be. I was always clear right from the get go ! I made my intentions clear and now its so awkward between me and her. I feel so angry within and don't even want to talk to her. My friends tell me to just act normal and not to make it awkward in the group. But now that she is doing all of this for some reason, maybe she really likes him, what can I really do about this situation ? I mean what I want to ask is how should I react in a situation like this, when we have the same group of friends and usually hang out over the weekend, how should I react around her and her new possible boyfriend ?

 

 

Its like I lost a battle and both she and him and looking down at me, laughing and mocking me. I feel really bad about this. I really liked this person but now I just lost all respect for all...

[DancingFool]

Dude....you were clear about your intentions and so was she. She was very much straightforward with you that she isn't interested in you romantically. You kept pressuring her anyway. She was actually pretty polite with you under the circumstances. Maybe would have been better if she had simply told you off and told you to get lost. The coffee thing, she agreed to it as a way to get rid of you since you told her that if she goes and still rejects you, you'll finally accept that. You should have accepted things the first time she told you that she only sees you as a friend. A polite rejection is STILL rejection and you should have accepted that.

 

The rest is just in your head. There was no battle. They aren't thinking about you at all. Get a grip because you are talking/thinking crazy. Your friends are 100% correct that you need to get your head screwed on straight and act normal. You liked a girl, she didn't like you back - welcome to life. It will happen a lot until you finally meet that mutual match - it's what makes it so special. It's rare.

[Cope]

Yeah I remember your thread. If I do so correctly, I don't think you were portrayed as the bad guy by most. Anyways, doesn't matter.

You did good. Made your intentions clear. She doesn't seem interested; she probably just liked the attention.

 

She probably is doing to the other guy what she did to you. Still, try not to think about it. Given that you said, in another thread, that you suffer from OCD, I'm sure that's one reason you're reading into things too much and it's for sure occupying more of your time then you'd like it to. I've been diagnosed with OCD a few years ago, some say it can be cured, others say it's just something you just learn to keep under control. One thing is sure, CBT is the answer.

 

There are some forums you can visit which are seldom for OCDers, they provide marvelous information, but I strongly recommend therapy too. Forget what your family doctor said, it's been years, things have changed and it's obviously a problem for you. It can get better, I've seen it first hand. You really learn how to just push the bad thoughts away in a second, until they almost stop coming.

 

This is a great guide; somewhere to start from, whenever a bad thought comes in your head like the two of them mocking you:

 

https://www.ocduk.org/four-steps

[OKK]

Dude....you were clear about your intentions and so was she. She was very much straightforward with you that she isn't interested in you romantically. You kept pressuring her anyway. She was actually pretty polite with you under the circumstances. Maybe would have been better if she had simply told you off and told you to get lost. The coffee thing, she agreed to it as a way to get rid of you since you told her that if she goes and still rejects you, you'll finally accept that. You should have accepted things the first time she told you that she only sees you as a friend. A polite rejection is STILL rejection and you should have accepted that.

 

The rest is just in your head. There was no battle. They aren't thinking about you at all. Get a grip because you are talking/thinking crazy. Your friends are 100% correct that you need to get your head screwed on straight and act normal. You liked a girl, she didn't like you back - welcome to life. It will happen a lot until you finally meet that mutual match - it's what makes it so special. It's rare.

 

Thank you for the reply. Its not that I am going crazy over this. She is not interested in me, I get that and I am not even trying anymore, just simply moving on. The thing I don't get is that why would she play games with me ? Why would she be so open to my advances ? On the phone she even told me that she resisted me the entire night even while she was drunk, just because of the coworkers thing.

 

She never said nor wrote to me that she just wants to be friends with me, nor did she even say that she isn't interested in me. The only time she wrote, are you still up for the friendly coffee ? I got the point there and I let everything go from there.

 

I don't wait around people, I hold my respect quite high and won't settle for less in life. But what I asked is how to interact with these 2 people in our big group now ?

[OKK]

Yeah I remember your thread. If I do so correctly, I don't think you were portrayed as the bad guy by most. Anyways, doesn't matter.

You did good. Made your intentions clear. She doesn't seem interested; she probably just liked the attention.

 

She probably is doing to the other guy what she did to you. Still, try not to think about it. Given that you said, in another thread, that you suffer from OCD, I'm sure that's one reason you're reading into things too much and it's for sure occupying more of your time then you'd like it to. I've been diagnosed with OCD a few years ago, some say it can be cured, others say it's just something you just learn to keep under control. One thing is sure, CBT is the answer.

 

There are some forums you can visit which are seldom for OCDers, they provide marvelous information, but I strongly recommend therapy too. Forget what your family doctor said, it's been years, things have changed and it's obviously a problem for you. It can get better, I've seen it first hand. You really learn how to just push the bad thoughts away in a second, until they almost stop coming.

 

This is a great guide; somewhere to start from, whenever a bad thought comes in your head like the two of them mocking you:

 

https://www.ocduk.org/four-steps

 

Thanks OP, I have already spoken to my doctor regarding a possible meeting. Might just try the meds now. I need it more than ever. Yes, I occupy my time thinking about what had went wrong but for the past two days or so, I have been feeling a lot better. I am so thankful I didn't get involved with her.

 

That was the point of this post in the first place. She probably is doing the same with him, even while he look ups to me. He thinks I am some sort of a player, because I get along so well with woman at Uni. He compliments me but in my head, I just feel like he is being sarcastic while laughing in his head, that he got the girl I wanted the most...

[Cope]

Thanks OP, I have already spoken to my doctor regarding a possible meeting. Might just try the meds now. I need it more than ever. Yes, I occupy my time thinking about what had went wrong but for the past two days or so, I have been feeling a lot better. I am so thankful I didn't get involved with her.

 

That was the point of this post in the first place. She probably is doing the same with him, even while he look ups to me. He thinks I am some sort of a player, because I get along so well with woman at Uni. He compliments me but in my head, I just feel like he is being sarcastic while laughing in his head, that he got the girl I wanted the most...

 

Oh that's great news! It's gonna be a hard and confusing journey, but you'll start feeling better very soon. Always remember, if the doctor doesn't seem like a good match for you, you can always switch.

Focus on yourself and the thoughts will start fading away. Most of them are due to OCD, I promise!

 

I'm happy for you!

[katrina1980]

I think you came off way too intense.

 

She asked you for coffee and instead of going and having a great time and using that as an opportunity to escalate, you launch into this big heavy thing how you don't want to be "friends" with her, never did, that you want to date her and if she ever feels same, to let you know?

 

Good lord. I think you handled that situation all wrong, your intensity may have even scared her! lol

 

The other guy at work, there is no evidence she is dating him.

 

Yes they're talking, having lunch -- they are friends, which may or may not lead to more, they are co-workers and with co-workers, being friends first is usually how things start.

 

But you didn't allow for that, you cut that off, by, again, immediately launching into how you wanted to date her -- no friendship. Not even a friendly coffee, sheesh!

 

Too intense!

 

My advice? Try to lighten up a bit, relax, breathe, take it one day at a time, especially with a co-worker.

[OKK]

I think you came off way too intense.

 

She asked you for coffee and instead of going and having a great time and using that as an opportunity to escalate, you launch into this big heavy thing how you don't want to be "friends" with her, never did, that you want to date her and if she ever feels same, to let you know?

 

Good lord. I think you handled that situation all wrong, your intensity may have even scared her! lol

 

The other guy at work, there is no evidence she is dating him.

 

Yes they're talking, having lunch -- they are friends, which may or may not lead to more, they are co-workers and with co-workers, being friends first is usually how things start.

 

But you didn't allow for that, you cut that off, by, again, immediately launching into how you wanted to date her -- no friendship. Not even a friendly coffee, sheesh!

 

Too intense!

 

My advice? Try to lighten up a bit, relax, breathe, take it one day at a time, especially with a co-worker.

 

Hi Katrina,

 

You might be right and I always asked myself why didn't I go ?. I won't deny that. But for days and days she never initiated contact with me. But would do so only if she wanted something regarding work. I am always relaxed at work and have a great time with my friends.

 

We were friends, we used to speak and we enjoyed each others company but the way she wrote that message stating quite briefly if I was still up for that friendly coffee said it all. I mean if we take it into perspective she basically added the friendly term intentionally, letting me know that this would never go further. Why not just write coffee instead. Yes I might be looking into this way too much. But I am sure that she would had just said the same thing to me while having that coffee. So what's wrong in going after things you want in life ? I mean why waste time, energy and money on someone who isn't even interested in you in the first place. I would want someone in my life who isn't hesitant about going out with me, who would like jump fences for me to be with me not someone thinking about doing it.

 

I might have been intense but I was still direct with her. Even if I said that I wanted to take her out on a coffee date to get to know me, why would she not want to go out then ? If lets say assuming she liked me... If she did like me, she would had said yes on going out. If i had went out with her, It would had ended badly anyways because I was planning on walking out the moment she would had said friends only. You are right something could had happened from there but the way things were going, her not contacting me, being selfish and only contacting regarding work, or my access card said it all.

 

 

This is the regret I am willing to live with forever. But I won't stop being direct in my life anymore before. Because I had already invested a lot of myself into her and my gut feeling always told me that she just isn't into me and was just playing games with me and the moment i took things into matter she backed off.

[reinventmyself]

You were direct. And from what you've shared she made her intentions very clear as well.

 

You continued to return and try to open an already closed door. She seems polite. You are coworkers after all.

But due to your persistence, intensity and your all or nothing offer, things have turned awkward.

 

I don't blame her for having someone else retrieve an access card from you. If she didn't feel comfortable asking you for it, maybe you need to ask yourself why.

 

Just in your words alone anyone can tell you are miffed by the rejection. It's hard to dial back to being someone's friend when you can pick up on the fact they are upset and not handling it well.

 

Rejection happens. I think she handled it respectfully. She's gone on to make other friends at work and you assume they must be dating which further infuriates you. But it's just an assumption on your part because you don't know for sure.

 

Sounds like you are determined to make yourself miserable over this.

 

Don't blame her. She's not the bad guy.

[1tym]

going to have to act as if nothing happened. truth be told nothing happened.